Amory pov
I tapped my fingers on the rough bark of the tree I was under its shade, I have been involuntarily overtaken by nerves as I sat down, not quite in the mood to sit down but it was needed in order to tame the queasiness I was feeling inside of me so I just sat down and focused on the inordinate lines that designed the bark of the tree.
When I dropped the note on his desk without even looking at him, I genuinely wanted it to be after class but minutes into dropping the piece of paper I was overtaken by the not-so subtle need to now talk to him and that is the reason I was no longer able to wait till after class, so I excused myself and left, then found myself under the cherry tree.
It was when I got under the tree that I realized that I hadn't asked Kale to come with me, I just kind of stormed out of the class, I groaned internally at my actions.
Now I just have to wait patiently under the tree for classes to end, it's not like Kale is going to miss a class and come after me or anything.
Okay he would.
I felt something in me stop as I watched him walk out the building and approach the tree I was sitting under.
And did that make me feel good.
I was hyper aware of the person walking towards me and now standing in front of me.
He was earthly; she was aerial, He was made of clay and iron; she was made of fire and dreaming.
" Hi Em"
It was simple and short, totally meaningful and I should probably reply like a normal human being and say something simple and short just like him but I... Didn't.
I didn't start rambling or anything, I just didn't say anything, I just stopped and stared at the young man before me who didn't need any description.
Kale is a walking temptation to me and every living being on the planet but especially to me, I am losing my train of thought yet again.
" Hi kale, I was going to actually apologize for storming out of you the other day, it wasn't a very ideal thing to do on a date and I know you didn't mean bad so ... Yeah, I'm sorry"
Yeah, I found my tongue.
He had a look on his face I couldn't understand but didn't question it, I was waiting for his answer.
It could be negative for all I know, he still didn't say anything but the way he was staring at me made me think of nothing else.
That was when I realized that I actually derived pleasure from having kale look at me, it sounds so twisted but when he looks at me, he gives me his undivided attention, it's like I'm all he sees at that moment, his eyes piercing through my soul and my spirit but never wavering from the task.
The stare doesn't make me self aware because I look up into the deep green orbs with silver lining that was his eyes and like the bermunda triangle I get sucked in, leading into the abyss that I have no way of coming out of, but then again I don't want a way out of it.
I watch different emotions flicker through those eyes, his cold and nonchalant eyes that always seemed not to show anything were now swimming in different colours and might I say chaos.
And it was beautiful.
" Em ..."
I took in his voice that was hoarse with a soft undertone as he muttered my name which he has successfully shortened by himself and I couldn't like it more, I was already used to hearing him call me Em instead of Amory.
" Hmmm" I hummed still looking at him
He is now closer to me his hands moved to tuck my hair behind my ears
" Amory, do you know what you do to me when you look at me like that??"
I didn't reply, being quite frank I couldn't
" You cause a mayhem within me and sometimes it's difficult to react perfectly and give the right answer"
I am speechless again.
Both of his hands were on my cheeks now as he held my face delicately, it's as if his hands were ghosting it
" Amory I don't need you to apologize to me about yesterday, I wanted to Apologize and ask if I still have another chance"
" Ooh" I said
" Amory I'm sorry about the other day, it wasn't my intention to ruin our date, I just wanted you to enjoy what you truly appreciated without fear or the need to hide, I want you to be happy Amory "
I nodded and then replied
" I understand but don't do anything like this again without telling me before hand or if you want to know something about me just ask me directly, don't go asking other girls stuffs about me"
He chuckled at my last statement and shifted back to put his hands on his pocket
" Does that mean you're giving me another chance?" He asked
And I nodded
" Yeah, I guess " and he smiling way too broadly and I couldn't help but smile too, and the he was close to me again looking at me with a tender affection in his eyes
" Amory I have never done this before, I ... I don't know how it actually works but I want to try, I want to be part of your life, a significant part of your life, I want to be able to make you happy, I want to find out about this... New seed that sprouted inside of me, I want to explore it, I want to explore you"
Maybe I'm overreacting or I'm probably going out of my mind because that is the only plausible reason for the way I'm feeling right now.
I felt giddy and it's as if every wire in my body has been lighted up and I can only feel the sparks like an open circuit and everything seems to slow down.
Is this it, the thrill of being interested in something or someone, is this the spark of being a youth with a hot blood ready to explore.
I wanted it too, I wanted to explore kale too, I wanted to see what's beyond this calm and collected ice prince, I wanted to be the reason for his mayhem, the chaos in his eyes, the thrill in his veins, the fire that melted the ice. I wanted all of it.
*************************
I agreed on another date and it's happening. I really don't know what to feel about this date, but it sure felt good.
We were at the beach at sundown having a light meal, a scene I would never have imagined myself to be in two weeks ago, but here I am with the most odd young man anyone should find Amory Calderon with at any time.
The fact that I agreed and came back to this place is odd in itself, this place, this view, the scenario right in front of me has haunted my dreams for years, it has always chased and tormented me my whole life, it was everything I wanted to stay away from permanently, it held the very memory that would break me if I confronted it, so I successfully hid from it and kept the can of worms closed and sealed.
But then kale came along and opened without even breaking a sweat and everything was laid bare for me in just a few seconds and like that an ice water was poured over me. The ironic truth of the issue is that it wasn't really a surprise to me as to the place we were heading that day after the date.
I had a hunch, I already felt a nostalgia claws gnawing itself in my guts the moment I was served a Japanese meal but I was too thrilled to uncover a part of me that has been closed for a long time because when I sealed that can of worms, a part of my myself went into it.
And from there I felt the dread grip my gut but in that dread was something else I couldn't describe, so I went with it, telling myself it's not what was in my head, that I was probably overthinking it or maybe it was because the person doing all of this kale, I have become what I can't describe because of that guy.
Going along with everything he is coming up with like I was hypnotized till it dawned on me that this young man has uncanned this bottle of worms right in front of me and I let him do it, leaving myself at the brink of insanity and after I survived the whole drama I thought I wouldn't, I'm back here again and I feel disturbingly calm about this whole thing.
Kale makes me that way.
He doesn't drive me insane or make me crazy, I'm already crazy and insane all at the same time, rather he brings with him a peace and calm that is way too suspicious for someone living in a world like ours.
And for some reason that peace started to rub off on me and he is like a quiet chapel, a calm serene river that successfully shut off the voices in my head and just leaves in awe.
I felt my lips curve up a little as I watched him match towards me with two cups of iced coffee with cream almost overflowing its top, his eyes were on me as he approached.
His eyes are always on me.
" Hey, you alright" he asked immediately he got to the table and dropped the coffee.
I nodded
" I think it's a bit messy but she insisted that is how it's supposed to fill the top" he paused a little and added
" Tell me if you don't like it, I can change it quickly " I couldn't help rolling my eyes at him.
" I asked you to order this for me, you think I don't know how it is?? and besides, I want to drink in a messy way anyway "
He seemed a bit confused at what I was saying till I removed the straw from the cup and dove straight into the cream on top with my mouth successfully leaving remnants of white foam around my lips. I licked around my lips but I know I haven't been able to get rid of all of them.
Kale was giving me a weird look that almost look like amusement, like I continue to amaze him every single time with my actions, he's eyes was trained on my lips before he finally muttered
" Ugh.. is this how you like drinking coffee? " I could hear the genuine confusion in his voice and I chuckled at his overall expression
" Yeah, I did so in the past with Atticus, my brother".
His expression changed at my mention of Atticus and hummed " ooh" under his breathe and I continued
" We would order iced coffee with overflowing cream and then knowingly remove the straw and drink the coffee directly from the cup, smudging the whole white cream on our lips" I said recalling the memory and a light chuckle left me but it did also leave a small sting in my chest.
Kale was looking at me then at his coffee sitting in front of him, he looked as if he was contemplating on whether to do something or not.
And moments later he did something I was not expecting, he related the same action I did earlier with my coffee leaving his lips with smudged white cream and for some reason that made me chuckle until I was giggling to myself.
" Like this??" he asked with a smile on this face
" Yeah, like that ". I confirmed by nodding still smiling.
" Amory, it's a beautiful memory with your brother, though he's late now, I don't think you should throw it all away, not if you still enjoy it". He finished and proceeded to clean his lips with a tissue putting the straw back to the coffee.
" A lot of people don't know or understand what Atticus meant to me, he wasn't just my brother, he was my whole world, everything I ever loved and or appreciated, he introduced me to and made it the best time of my life, and then he left with it, without so much as a warning "
Kale leaned forward to me, extending his hands to wipe the remainder of the cream on my lips .
" I'm sorry about your brother Amory, but I want to ask you a question" he said he's eyes boring into mine
" Those memories you created with your brother when he was alive, they were good memories that should comfort you now, why do you run from them??"
" Because they're reminders, they're terrible reminders that I will never have something like that again, he's not coming back again" I said, letting the heaviness of the word I said sink in.
" Yeah you're right Amory, he's not coming back, but these memories remain with you don't they?"
I nodded and he continued
" They're there, you can't seem to run away from them no matter how much you hide, it means they belong to you beloved, they're a part of you, you don't have to tear or rip it off, you will only hurt yourself, these memories contains things you genuinely enjoy, activities that gives you thrill and makes you alive, don't run away from it any longer "
I did not realize I was crying till his fingers wiped away a stray tear on my face and I sniffed.
" What you can't keep buried in the past belongs to you, Atticus is not more here, but I am here, Carmen is too and I bet you they're other people who want to give you that same experience if not better"
" Look at me Amory"
I did, he was looking at me and then at the ocean
" Look at the ocean, this... Everything here should comfort you, give you peace not torment you, look at it from another perspective, what would Atticus want you to do, wouldn't he be so sad that all his memories are able to make you even more unhappy".
I was lost at the view in front of me as a male voice resounded in my head. I was standing now, facing the ocean and listening to the waves crash against its banks.
And then I felt his touch on my shoulder as he stood behind me, subtly rubbing my shoulders
" How do you do it" I asked
" Do what" he whispered
" Get your peace, your serene attitude, how do you do it" I heard a chuckle behind before he moved to stand before me and then got on his knees in front of me
"Beloved... It's not me that do it, it's God, he told me to believe in him and he will give me a peace that transcends all human understanding and I did and he didn't fail me "
I wanted to scoff at the mention of his God that he so much believed in and won't waste a chance to speak about it
But then kale was in front of me on one knee holding my hand and looking into my eyes, I couldn't help but bend down too and he whispered to me like it was our little secret
" Beloved, Why don't you give him a chance and you will get your peace."
I don't think I fully grasped what he was saying.
But nothing beats what I was experiencing right now, nothing beats the name that is now continually ringing in my head.
Beloved ... Beloved , look at me beloved.