Dear cellulose friend,
Again, sorry for the absence. I am now officially an art graduate, yay.
The last four months have been so hectic.
Somehow, I made it. I wasn't expecting it, honestly. I managed to write a full dissertation on something that's not exactly art but it's connected to it. I'm proud of it because until the last minute I was sure to use my supervisor's favourite art form (sculpture), but instead I did what I like - for once - and the effort was paid back, even though I didn't get the highest mark.
I can now say that I hold a degree. Crazy. I never thought I'd get here.. but now that I'm here, what's next?
I realised only now that I was too focused on hating what I was doing, so now I don't have a plan. I don't know what job I want to do for life, nor do I feel qualified for any. I don't have previous official work experience, just organising uni's exhibitions and a few collective exhibitions with my peers. I didn't even get paid, just got a free meal at the uni cafe. Can that even be called work experience?
Maybe only if you want to become an artist or curator.. but that's absolutely not happening. I don't have a plan, but I'm sure about not working in the art field.
I already started hating art now for a number of reasons, I can't be hating my reason for life forever.. indeed, I will start making art again when times are ready.
So, what about now? How do I choose a job if I have no experience whatsoever?
And more importantly, how do people do the same job for their entire life without getting tired of it? I don't know if I will be able to.
Moreover, I can't say that I need a job because I am broke.. I come from a very privileged background; I technically won't need to work. But how boring to do nothing the whole day.
Okay so, doing the same job over and over every single day from now until I'm old looks too boring to me, but also not working at all looks extremely boring. So what now?
Where should I start?
I really haven't the slightest clue.
If I look at my parents... well, there won't be any actual help from them, but maybe I could analyse their choices. They knew they wanted to be lawyers since childhood. They looked up to my grandparents and found the legal system "rewarding."
Don't get me wrong, the architecture of the criminal justice system is intellectually stimulating. I just despise the reality of it.
Until proven otherwise, everyone is innocent.
I have been suffocated by this truism since I was a child. Yes, logically, you cannot deny it. But practically? It's a theatre of the absurd.
I grew up watching my parents take the law—a rigid set of rules—and mould it like cheap clay to fit whatever narrative they were being paid to defend. It offends me. In so many cases, it is blatantly obvious that a person is a parasite who committed the act. All the evidence of their ugly behaviour is right there. But instead of an immediate, logical consequence, society demands patience. You have to wait for the "circus" to run its course.
Then, the verdict finally arrives. Either they are found guilty—making the whole lengthy trial a total waste of time—or, thanks to lawyers who are very good at blurring the lines, the criminal gets leniency through some technical loophole.
It feels so fundamentally wrong. I suppose this proves I still have some sort of moral compass, even if I am not exactly a fan of humanity. My morality just doesn't stem from bleeding-heart compassion; it stems from a demand for order. I hate hypocrisy. I hate that a clever argument can excuse vulgar actions.
If laws were truly exhaustive and objective, there would be no need for lawyers to interpret them. A better world, perhaps? Utopia?
Who knows. I suppose learning to read by skimming my parents' massive law manuals was useful in one regard: it made me absolutely certain I will never pursue a career in law.
I remain entirely in the dark about what I will do.
See you when I have a clearer idea of my future, or when I simply have more useless things to complain about.
By paper Frankenstein,
Vera