AKIHIRO ATLAS
I had lowered my eyes to the table, but I wasn't actually seeing anything. My gaze was fixed on the metal surface in front of me; however, my mind had already been disconnected from that room, lost in the words that Shu had said a few minutes ago. He said I couldn't control my emotions. At the time, I may have tried to deny it, but now, sitting in silence, I had to accept the truth. He was right. And he was right enough to hurt me. Because I wasn't acting like a general right now. Hundreds of soldiers in the battlefield cistern city blocks that manages a single order with a guy that can move it's not like... stuck in the corner, feeling like I was a scared kid who doesn't know what to do. Since the moment I heard Kuren and Kazami's names, my thoughts were in turmoil. My logic and my emotions seemed to be clashing with each other, creating an chaotic battle within my mind. The more I tried to talk, the worse everything got; the more I tried to pull myself together, the more I fell apart. But the most distressing thing among all these was the thought that what my master saw when he looked at me might be disappointment. This feeling was much heavier than I had imagined. Because I felt as if the identity of "General Akihiro Atlas," which I had carried on my shoulders for years, was beginning to crack for the first time. And the person who emerged from those cracks was not a powerful general, but merely a child who didn't know what to do.
But it didn't matter what was going on inside me in that room. The meeting did not stop. No one was interested in my disintegration. Because in Cistern, people were cared for not when they lost their emotions, but when they lost their functions. Weakness was only noticeable when it created inefficiency. Apart from that, everyone had to bear their own heartbreak in silence. When Grand General Yayati tapped the metal tip of his cane lightly on the floor, the hall fell into absolute silence once more. His old eyes wandered slowly round the table. Everyone was waiting for the next sentence to come out of his mouth. When he finally started speaking, his voice was heavier than usual."The leaked information wasn't just about escape plans."
I looked up involuntarily. A bad feeling had already begun to form inside me at that moment. Yayati's voice had changed. He no longer spoke like an old man reading a report. It was as if he were displaying an unseen threat to everyone in the room.
"During the detention process, some of the conversations between Kuren Y and Kazami Korane were recorded. Dec."
My chest tightened slightly. Because I felt it at that moment. Something worse was coming.
"The content of the conversations," Yayati said in a heavy tone, "contained ideas that directly targeted Cistern's current management system.""
When I looked at my master Shu's face after this, I noticed a small smile. His eyes were narrowed. He had one of the most insidious facial expressions I've ever seen. I'd seen him like this before, but those were usually part of training. This time it was serious.
The atmosphere of the hall has changed noticeably. A tiny, suppressed expression of satisfaction formed on Sao's lips. Austra clasped his arms; the hardness on his face had become even more pronounced. Ryugu didn't say anything, but his gaze was attentive. As for me, I was just listening. Or at least I was trying to listen. Because my mind was becoming heavier with each passing second.
"The duo," Yayati said, "were making detailed plans, especially about Nirvana and the Gehenna Engine."
Even the passing of these two names in the same sentence was enough to change the mood of the hall. Because Nirvana was sacred. It was a system that people saw not only as a source of energy, but also as the raison d'etre of civilization. The Gehenna Engine, on the other hand, was scary. The ancient mechanism that is said to be located under Cistern's central energy network, accessible only to the highest-level managers... even I did not know exactly what it was. I've only heard rumors for years. Some people used to say that it was not an engine, but a living organism. Some believed it was a quasi-divine weapon left by the founders. Some would whisper that the Gehenna Engine was actually the chain, not the heart, of the Cistern. But none of these were officially confirmed. And now… Kuren and Kazami's names were being mentioned alongside his.
After opening a few documents in front of him, Yayati began speaking again."In one of the records," he said, "Kuren Y uses the following expression."
The hall became completely silent. It was so quiet that I could even hear people breathing. Then Yayati started reading.
"Nirvana is not just a core that keeps Cistern afloat. It is also the people's chain. The Spirit Power arising from people's lives has been transferred to the Second Founder for years. And everyone calls this order."
A strange pressure formed in my chest. Because I had heard this thought before. From Shu. Maybe it wasn't the exact same words, but it was the same perspective. The same disturbing questioning. Yayati continued reading.
"If the flow of Nirvana is captured, Cistern can truly awaken for the first time'"
The air of the room became heavy. But what was truly frightening were the words that followed.
"People have been obeying fear for years. They gave their freedom for protection. They stopped thinking. They turned into holy slaves who only obey orders.
My heart raced. Because this… this was truly Kuren's way of speaking. I could clearly visualize him in my mind. His silent face. His gaze, which grows heavy when lost in thought. That calm tone that does not despise people, but deplores their blindness. And at that moment, the confusion inside me got even bigger. Because these words didn't seem like a direct betrayal to me. They did seem dangerous, yes. They did seem frightening. But at the same time, it felt painfully logical. That's what really scared me.
"If the Gehenna Engine is controlled," Yayati continued, "the flow of Nirvana can be reversed." The power that the Second Founder has gathered can be undone. Then people can really own their own lives for the first time."
The faces of several generals at the table hardened. There was obvious anger in Austra's gaze. Sao, on the other hand, leaned back in his chair with a disdainful expression. Ryugu was surprisingly silent; it was as if he was truly thinking for the first time. But I... I was having difficulty breathing. Because my mind was splitting into two. One part of me was saying this was madness. Touching Nirvana meant attacking the very heart of the Cistern. This was not merely a rebellion; it was an act that could shatter the entire order. But the other part of me... the other part of me was trying to understand why Kuren thought that way. And even this thought was frightening me. Because what I had heard, seen, and especially what Shu had said in the last few hours had left doubts in my mind.
Really... Was Cistern doing the right thing?Or had we been living in something else for years under the guise of "order"?
My head was getting heavy. My thoughts were getting entangled, it felt like the sounds inside the hall were coming from a distance. And at that very moment, my eyes involuntarily shifted to Shu. I thought maybe he'd object. Maybe he would have said that all this was nonsense. Maybe this was the first time he truly got angry. Because Shu had always been one of the strongest defenders of order. At least that's what I thought.
But when I saw the expression on my master's face, my body tensed slightly.
Because Master Shu… was still smiling.
That was a very small smile. Maybe it was too light to be noticed from the outside. But I saw him. And even that tiny expression left an indescribable fear inside me. Because it wasn't the smile of a surprised person. It was the smile of someone hearing something they already knew again. As if Kuren's words didn't bother them. As if all this wasn't new to him. And at that moment, a completely different fear arose within me.
Because right now... I was starting to lose touch with what my master was thinking.
I was sitting leaning towards the table, but I couldn't really feel the weight of my body anymore. It was as if my thoughts had transformed into something physical and settled on my shoulders. What I just heard was not merely an accusation; it was an attack aimed at the very foundation of the system in which I had grown up all my life. It was hard enough to even hear the names of Kuren and Kazami in the same sentence as the word "betrayal", but now it stopped being just about escape, murders or detention. Nirvana's name was mentioned. Gehenna Engine's name was mentioned. And the worst part... Kuren's words were mentioned. His thoughts. His anger. His view of the world. At that moment I realized that what truly frightened me wasn't the possibility that they were guilty. What frightened me was that some of the things they said began to resonate within me. Because the human mind could sometimes find justification even in what it hated. And the moment I realized this, I began to fear myself.
The atmosphere inside the hall had become heavy. The pale white light emitted by the tall crystal lamps on the round table made the lines on everyone's faces appear sharper. It was as if that room had no longer been just a meeting hall, but had transformed into an interrogation space where people's thoughts were stripped away and laid out on the table. Grand General Yayati's small body stood almost motionless at the far end of the table, but even his silence exerted pressure. The metal part of the cane in his hand occasionally touched the floor, and the Decaying sound spread throughout the entire hall. No one was moving. Because everyone could sense how heavy the next sentence would be.
As Yayati opened a few more files in front of him, his old eyes behind his glasses briefly rolled down. Then he continued to speak slowly. "Not all of the records are available to the public," he said with a heavy tone. "Because their content is not merely a rebellion plan, but also contains ideas that directly target the core structure of Cistern." His voice seemed calm, but beneath every word lay suppressed anger. "Kuren Y and Kazami Korane's plan wasn't just about escaping. Their goal was to seize Nirvana, reach the core of the Gehenna Engine, and forcefully alter the flow of Spirit Power.
This sentence was like a knife left in the middle of the room.
My chest tightened again.
Because the name of Nirvana was not mentioned only as a sacred structure. People would lower their voices when talking about him. Even when we were children, when they told us about Nirvana, they acted as if they were talking about a living god, not a city. That invisible core at the center of the Cistern... was the heart of the entire system. The Sacred Domain layers of the twelve teams, energy circulation, barrier systems, and the spirit network—all were interconnected through Nirvana. And the most frightening aspect of this system was that people had become accustomed to it. No one really knew how it worked. No one questioned why it was this way. Because we had been taught from childhood that this was the "way things were done." There was Nirvana, that's why Cistern was standing. There was a second Founder, so people were protected. And people had stopped thinking about these sentences after repeating them for years.But now…
Kuren called this system "slavery."And this thought remained lodged in my mind.
Yayati lifted one of the pages in front of him. "I'm going to read some of the conversations that are on the record," he said. "From this point on, it will be clearly understood that the incident was not just a personal escape attempt."
The entire hall fell silent.
Then the old general began to read.
"People have not been protected for years," says Kuren Y. 'They're just being directed. The existence of Nirvana is not a liberation, but the chain itself. The Spirit Power arising from people's fears is being channeled upward and added to the Second Founder's presence. This city is exhausting its own people, yet it calls this holiness.
My heart beat rapidly.
Because this wasn't just an angry-filled sentence.This…
It was a well-thought-out thing.
It was a thought conceived by someone who had suffered.
Yayati continued. "People who are ruled by fear forget to think one day. People who forget to think also get used to taking orders. The Cistern is no longer a living society. It is merely a standing system.
A vague uneasiness spread through the hall. Austra's face had hardened considerably. Despite being unarmored, his entire body still looked like a war machine, and the veins in his large hands resting on the table were visible. Sao, on the other hand, leaned back with a disdainful expression, but there was now attention even in his eyes. Because these words were not merely accusations; they were a direct attack on Cistern's ideology.
But the person who caught my attention was...
Shu.
Because my master was still smiling.
That smile was small. It was very small. An outside observer might not even have noticed it. But I've known him for years. I knew which of Shu's smiles meant calmness, which one meant curiosity, which one meant danger. And what was on his face right now... was frightening.Because it wasn't a "surprised" smile.This...
It was the person's smile that confirmed something. As if… I don't know… My master was certain and satisfied about something.
My eyes involuntarily locked on him. I was trying to suppress the restlessness that was growing inside me, but I couldn't. Because at that moment, for the first time, I felt that I could not understand my master's thoughts. Shu has always been smart. He was always thinking a few steps ahead of people. But I could still feel which side he was on. And now... it's like the person sitting in front of me wasn't the same person. The calmness on his face was not normal. It was as if he had thought through all this long ago, weighed the options, and reached a conclusion within himself.
And this thought frightened me.
Because for a moment, I didn't even want to think about what was going through my mind.
Ya Shu…
If they agree with what Kuren said? Or if there is much more to it than that?
As soon as these thoughts entered my mind, my breathing became irregular. I tried to pull myself together immediately, but I didn't succeed. Because my master was not just a general. He was the most reliable person in this world for me. A large part of my outlook on life was shaped by his teachings. If Shu truly hates Cistern's system... then how much of what I thought was true was actually true?
And that's when I realized.This meeting was no longer just a meeting where Kuren and Kazami were being judged.
This meeting...
was the disintegration of my beliefs.
The air inside the hall was no longer merely heavy; it was suffocating. It was as if an invisible force had descended upon everyone's shoulders, slowing down even people's breathing. The mention of Nirvana's name, the mention of the Gehenna Engine, the reading aloud of Kuren's thoughts... each of these alone could be considered one of the greatest crises in Cistern history. ""But what really shook me was that the people in the room were listening to these conversations not only as "betrayal", but also as "attack on the sacred". As soon as this realization entered my mind, I looked at the generals around the table again, and for the first time I felt that the difference in opinion between us was much greater than I had thought. Dec. Because I have always seen this system as an order. A harsh, imperfect, sometimes cruel order... but still an order established by humans. However, for some of the people sitting here, Cistern was not just an administration. It was faith. And when one begins to believe in something, one also begins to view everyone who questions it as an enemy.
Phyra was the first to speak out of this silence.
The Team 9 General hadn't talked much during the meeting so far. He was silent. In fact, it was eerily quiet. But his silence was not a peaceful one; it was the silence of repressed violence. His long white hair cascaded down his shoulders, and the earrings—one blue, one red—glistened softly under the crystal lights. Although he appeared slender, it was felt that he was one of the most dangerous people in the room. I remembered the stories told about him. They used to say that he transformed into a completely different person on the battlefield, and that his calm demeanor was replaced almost entirely by savage destruction. Even during the few brief moments when I tried to talk to him, I felt like he was looking down on me. He seemed to feel a natural superiority over people. And when he started speaking now, even the calmness in his voice was disturbingly cold.
"How interesting," he said, tilting his head slightly to the side. "It's really interesting that a group of children thought they could change a system that had stood the test of time for centuries."
No one intervened.
Phyra tapped his fingers lightly on the table and then continued. "But the more interesting thing," he said, "is that some of you think this is just a political issue."
His eyes slowly moved around the table.Then…
He looked directly at me.
"This is not just a riot," he said. "This is an act equivalent to denying the existence of God."
My chest tightened slightly.
Phyra continued. "Attacking Nirvana, trying to take over the Gehenna Engine, aiming to break the authority of the Second Founder..." a condescending smile formed on his lips. "Do you really understand what this means?" His eyes got heavy. "Cistern is not just a Sacred Domain. This order was founded on a balance that even the King and Queen Consort hesitated to interfere with. If Nirvana falls, not only will the Cistern collapse. The entire balance of power will be shattered. The prosperity we enjoy will come to an end. And then..." He leaned back slightly. "The hostility of the Bashkirs begins."
While these words echoed throughout the hall, everyone was silent.But my mind was elsewhere.
God.
Founder.
Faith.
Why was everyone talking about these things as if they were the same thing?I started talking without realizing it.
"The founder is not a god."
The moment my voice came out, the air in the room changed.
Suddenly, everyone's gaze turned on me.
Sao's eyes narrowed.Austra's face hardened.Even Yayati lifted his head slightly.
And this is the first time...
I realized it felt like I had said something really wrong.But I had stopped now.
Because something inside me was against it.
"Founder," I said, speaking slower but more clearly, "is merely someone with great power. Just because people believe in him does not make him a god.""
This sentence was like a stone falling into the hall.No one spoke.
But the expressions on people's faces had changed.It was as if I had unknowingly insulted something sacred.
And at this very moment...
Phyra laughed.
It wasn't a quiet laugh.
He was genuinely amused.
He tilted his head slightly forward and continued laughing for a few seconds. There was disdain in that laughter. There was pity. And what was worse... there was amusement in the thought of how naive I was.
"How childish," he said at last. "General Akihiro Atlas..." There was a slight sneer in his voice even when he said the name. "The three years you spent in the world have changed you more than I thought they would."
I clenched my teeth.
But Phyra continued.
"People are not afraid only of power." He clasped his fingers together. "They also believe in things they cannot make sense of. The founders were not considered sacred just because they were powerful. People built their fears, hopes, and survival instincts on them." His eyes were cold. "And now you're standing up and saying that this is just a 'strong person'."
Just when I was about to answer…
Shu spoke.And the hall fell silent again.Because when Shu spoke, people would listen involuntarily.
My master was leaning back in his chair. That small, inscrutable smile on his face still hadn't disappeared. But his eyes... his eyes were completely calm. They were so calm that this calmness made one uneasy.
"Interestingly," he said slowly, "most of the gods in human history... have already been born out of people's fears."
No one spoke.
Shu continued.
"People need something to protect themselves. Because thinking is tiring. Freedom is frightening." Uncertainty drives people crazy." He tapped his fingers lightly on the table. "That's why people create order. Then they sanctify that order. Then he begins to serve him."
Phyra's gaze hardened slightly.
But Shu was still speaking calmly."And sometimes," he said, "declaring something sacred… is the most elegant way of possessing it."
This sentence hung in the air in the room for a few seconds.Because everyone sensed the meaning beneath it.
But Shu had said it in such a way that no one could directly accuse him.
It was as if he was only talking philosophically.
As if. As if. Master... As if.
Then his eyes slowly turned to Yayati.
And his voice became a little clearer for the first time.
"But beyond all this," he said, "there is one fundamental truth that you are still ignoring. Dec." He clasped his fingers together. "Kuren Y and Kazami Korane might have planned all this. They might have thought about it. They might have discussed it. Their eyes grew heavy." "But they did not realize these things."
Yayati remained silent.
Shu continued.
"Therefore," he said in a calm but repressive tone, "sufficient reason has still not been formed for this incident to be taken up to the execution order."
Execution.
The moment that word was heard...
My mind stopped.
It really stopped.
Because until that moment...
I had never thought about this.
My heart suddenly pounded hard.
My eyes widened.
And without realizing it, I felt like I was standing up.
"Execution…?"
My voice came out involuntarily.
Dry.
Surprised.
Almost breathless.
Because I understood at that moment.
This meeting wasn't just an investigation.
This...
It was a meeting where it was decided whether Kuren and Kazami would live or die.
And I...
I realized it too late.
"Execution...?"
As soon as this word came out of my lips, I realized how foreign my voice sounded. As if I wasn't the one talking. Because my mind was still stuck on a few seconds ago. Kuren. Kazami. Execution. These three words should not have existed in the same sentence. A person's mind naturally rejects certain things; just like the denial a child experiences when trying to understand death for the first time. My mind was doing the same thing right now. Because when I thought of Kuren's face, death wasn't the first thing that came to my mind. When I think of Kazami, what comes to mind is not an execution square. What comes to mind is training grounds. Team rooms. Discussions. Quiet nights. Task reports. The human mind had difficulty accepting that someone could disappear after having known them in their "living" state. And I was now stuck right in the middle of that wall.
But the Cistern was different.
Here, people would suddenly cease being "criminals" and become "role models."
And the end of these role models was usually death.
The silence at the table lasted only a few seconds. But even those few seconds were suffocating. Because everyone understood what I had noticed. The real purpose of this meeting was not an investigation. This meeting was a decision-making meeting. And I... I was the last one to understand this.
Just then, Sao slowly leaned back in his chair.
There was arrogance even in his actions.
The expression on Team 3 General's face, that usual air of superiority, remained unchanged. After glancing at me briefly with sharp, almost disdainful eyes, he turned back to Yayati. A few strands of his long black hair were falling over his shoulder, but he didn't even bother to fix it. Because Sao Imoria believed that he already had control wherever he was. Being the Great General's former student had not only enhanced his power but also his ego. And when he started speaking now, even the calmness in his voice seemed to belittle people.
"From this point on," he said in a heavy and controlled tone, "it would be a conscious blindness to see the event only as an 'unrealized plan'."
He tapped his fingers lightly on the table.
"The Cistern laws are very clear. Especially regarding crimes against the Founding Order." His eyes wandered slowly around the table. "We're not just talking about an escape plan here. We are talking here about a structure that directly targets Nirvana, aims to take over the Gehenna Engine and plans to break the authority of the Second Founder."
His voice was getting increasingly harsh.
"Besides," he said, "this is not just an intellectual deviation either."
He held up several documents in front of him.
"It is clearly stated in the records that the system should be destroyed. The liquidation of the ruling class is being discussed. There is talk of forcibly seizing the flow of Nirvana. " He narrowed his eyes. "All of these fall directly under the category of high treason in Cistern law."
My chest tightened again.
But Sao didn't stop.
"And more importantly…" he said, leaning forward slightly. "Some of you still think this is just a political issue."
Their gaze briefly shifted to me.
Then continued.
"The rebellion against the Founder is not only to oppose the administration." A condescending little smile formed on his lips. "The founding order is the basis of Cistern's existence. The legitimacy of this system comes from Nirvana. Nirvana's authority is from the Founders." His voice hardened. "Therefore, an attack against the Founder is an attack on Cistern's existence directly."
Some generals at the table nodded silently.
When Sao saw this, he continued.
"There are examples of this in the history of the cistern," he said. "Groups that spread derogatory propaganda about the founders, organizations that question the sanctity of Nirvana..." His eyes were icy cold. "They were all executed."
At that moment…
Something inside me tightened again.
Because the tone of these conversations was starting to bother me.
Founder.
Sanctity.
Faith.
Execution.
All these things were coming together under the same roof.
And this felt wrong to me.
Without realizing it, I started talking.
"That's all I have to say to the Founder…" I tried to catch my breath. "Isn't it getting ridiculous how you act like you adore him so much?"
The atmosphere in the room changed the moment my sentence ended.
It really did change.
It was as if I had crossed an invisible boundary.
Austra's gaze hardened.
Phyra smiled slightly.
The disdainful expression on Sao's face became even more evident.
But the person who really stopped me...
Hiroshi Matsumoto was the first to speak.
And the moment his voice was heard, a strange chill ran through me.
Because I knew him.
Or…
I used to know him.
Hiroshi used to be Magnus's lieutenant. He was cheerful, relaxed, someone who could easily communicate with people. I've seen him a few times with Jared. He was the kind of guy who was always joking, lightening the atmosphere, tapping people on the shoulder and laughing. Before I went on the Earth mission, the first thing I thought about him was that he was "not very serious."
But the man sitting in front of me right now...
was completely different.
The expression on his face was dull.
His gaze was cold.
And when he spoke, there wasn't a hint of warmth in his voice.
"The absurd thing," he said in a flat tone, "is that you try to romanticize betrayal."
Suddenly all attention turned to him.
I looked at him involuntarily.
And I couldn't really recognize him.
Because there was no longer that comfort I used to see in his eyes.
There was only rigidity.
Hiroshi continued slowly. "Systems can be flawed." Made his shoulders tense slightly. "Governments may be corrupted. People make mistakes." His eyes locked directly on me. "But ignoring people who are trying to destroy an order... is stupid."
I clenched my teeth.
Hiroshi didn't stop.
"If we forgive them today," he said, "tomorrow someone else will try the same thing." He tapped his fingers on the table. "Then another." His voice was getting harder and harder. "And eventually Cistern starts to rot from the inside."
After…
The name of Team 11 has been mentioned.
"We've already seen examples of this," he said coldly. "Team 11. "
Something tightened hard in my chest.
Because Nyoko's face suddenly appeared in my mind.
Urizen's smile.
That shack.
Their state of being left alone.
And Hiroshi continued.
"We know what happens when the conspiracy is ignored." There was a contemptuous hardness in his eyes. "People are becoming corrupt. The teams are starting to form their own ideologies." His voice grew heavy. "And then one day, they turn around and stab you in the back."
I felt like I was breathing in anger.
Because this was wrong.
It was wrong.
Nyoko wasn't a traitor.
Urizen was not a traitor.
They were merely people thrown into the system.
But…
I couldn't speak.
Because at that moment I understood what would happen if I said this.
All eyes would turn on me.
"The team is defending 11."
"Defending the rebels."
"Defending Kuren."
"Defending Kazami."
And suddenly...
I too would become suspicious.
The moment this thought settled in my mind, I remained silent.
And this silence...
It made me hate myself.
Because I wanted to talk.
I wanted to shout.
I wanted to say that they didn't know any of them.
But I couldn't.
Because what Hiroshi said was frighteningly systematic.
Sao's arguments were frighteningly logical.
And me...
I couldn't respond.
My mind began to empty.
Every time I tried to form a sentence, my throat would get tight. Because no matter what I said, I was starting to feel like I couldn't change the people's perspective in this room. They seemed to have already made up their minds. This was no longer a "search for truth" meeting; it was the legitimization of a decision that had already been made.
And the worst part...
I was just watching this.
As a general.
As a friend.
As a human being.
I was being crushed without being able to do anything.
The voices at the table were still continuing. Some were talking, some were objecting, some were explaining the laws, some were justifying the punishments. The words were getting mixed up: "betrayal", "order", "Founder", "execution", "authority", "balance", "necessity"... Each one echoed around the same table, but none of them truly reached inside my mind anymore. Because even though from the outside I still looked like a general sitting in that chair at that moment, inside I had already fallen into a different place. Sometimes one begins to feel ashamed of one's own existence within a single moment. And that's exactly what I was experiencing right now. Because for the first time, I was seeing how much I really lacked under all these titles, all these wars, all these trainings and the word "general" that I had carried on my back for years.
I couldn't defend Kuren.
I couldn't defend Kazami.
I couldn't defend Team 11.
I couldn't even keep the defense set up by my own master standing.
And there was a terrible difference between a person feeling inadequate Decently and being ashamed of himself. The inadequacy was upsetting to people. But shame... it would make one unable to even look at one's own face. Right now, I couldn't look at myself inside my own mind. Because I was starting to get crushed under what I had believed for years. I said, "I will protect". I made a promise to myself the day I went on Earth mission. I was going to protect people. I wasn't going to lose. I would stand in front of them before their loved ones were taken away from them. But when I look back now, all I see is failure. Jared's tears. Nyoko's trembling voice. The fear Urizen hides behind. The fatigue on Mizu's shoulders. The silence that fell in the room when Kuren's name was mentioned. Kazami was no longer being talked about as a human being but as if he were a "crime file"... And I was just sitting there in the middle of all this.
Not like a general.
Like a lost child.
Sometimes one feels defeated not on the battlefield, but around a table. Because in war, one faces an enemy. But there was no enemy here. There was only the system. There were rules. There was silence. There was a world where people remained silent out of fear, where silence led to decay, and where decay was mistaken for "order." And I grew up right in the middle of that world. Perhaps that was the scariest part. Because for the first time in years, I began to see so clearly what the place I called "home" truly was. The cistern was not merely a structure that protected people. At the same time, it was a cage that shaped people. And inside that cage, everyone was slowly beginning to resemble each other. People who hide their emotions. People who bury their fears under the name of duty. People who become silent in order not to lose their loved ones. And then one day, people who turn around and say, "This is the way it is."
Was I one of them?
The moment this question entered my mind, breathing became difficult.
Because I was afraid to answer.
I didn't know what happened to Kuren.
I didn't know why Kazami took such a path.
But I had a terrible feeling inside me. If they were really desperate... if they really asked for help and were left alone... if this system gradually cornered them... then who was to blame? Were they the ones? Or was it the world that brought them to that point? And why had I started thinking about this? Because everything was simpler until a few hours ago. There were guilty and not guilty. There was a hero and a traitor. But now everything was getting mixed up. Even the concept of "bad" was falling apart as I listened to people's stories. Because most people weren't directly evil. They were just suffering for a very long time.
And me...
I couldn't even bear people's pain.
The words I said while crying in Jared's room returned to my mind. "I'm sorry, it's because of me."At that moment, I said this only because I couldn't break a child's heart." But now I realized that that sentence had come out of a much deeper place. Because I was really starting to get tired of myself. Even though I was someone who wanted to save people, I felt like I was hurting everyone. I came into Magnus's life, the world changed. I came into Jared's life, the boy was torn apart. I returned to my team, everyone had fear in their eyes. Even while hugging me, Mizu was afraid of losing me again. Nyoko was trying not to cry while talking. When Shu looked at me, I couldn't even tell whether he felt proud or disappointed.
And perhaps that was the scariest part.
At some point, one began to feel one's own existence like a burden.
I was no longer afraid only of wars.
I was afraid of myself.
Because whenever I called a place "home," it fell apart.
Every time I said I would "protect" someone, that person was in pain.
Every time I approached someone, fear of losing them eventually appeared in their eyes.
Maybe the problem really was me.
Maybe because people saw me as a hero, I was starting to think of myself that way, too. But heroes would save people. And I was just a late Decoy among the wrecks. I was always running late. It's always a few seconds, a few days, a few years too late... And when one keeps being late, at some point one starts getting angry not at time, but at oneself.
While the discussions at the table were ongoing, I looked at my hands.
I had fought with these hands.
I had saved people with these hands.
With these hands I had caressed the children's heads.
With these hands I had hugged my brother.
But those same hands now seemed empty.
Because no matter how strong I became, I couldn't protect people's hearts.
And at that moment, for the first time, a terrible thought arose within me.
If I fail even as a general...
Why am I here?
END OF CHAPTER