I hugged Eian.. but I did not mean to.
I did not plan to - one minute I was saying goodbye to him and the next moment I felt this huge urge to just pull him into my arms and although I tried to fight it...
I lost.
Eian is probably never going to talk to me again.He must be traumatised at the moment wondering what is wrong with me.He didn't even look at me and just quickly got into his car as soon as I let go of him.
Why in the devil's possessed mind did I hug him !?!, these feelings are becoming too much too fast. It is a great idea to know the real Eian and let my heart know that Eian is not Eden but because of this scrounger inside of me I keep doing stupid things whenever I'm close to him.I become someone I'm not.
I hate this feeling.
After berating myself of what should have and should not have happened, I get in my car and drive back home. During my short drive I can't help but think about how I am going to live my next life without seeing Eian.
Throughout our workshops we were told that there are chances of mental and or emotional struggles during the withdrawals but I didn't think things would be this bad. I've never had a wrong calculation, it was never supposed to be this bad.
Should I give myself more time? But does more time mean I will just have to accept being in love with him and hope by some heavenly miracle and therapy I will eventually get back to reality? I don't want that.
I want these feelings gone as soon as possible!.
I never understood what could cause such a reaction to something that is soo unreal, never understood how people could worship and commit to idols and gods they don't see, celebrities they would never touch ..but now I am the one who looks mentally unstable being unable to move on from something that shouldn't exist from someone who has only ever lived in a world of ink . His existence is soo real yet intangible, simply floating in a vase of a man who would never love me the same way.
*
The moment I get home I find my mother in the kitchen waiting for me with a cup of tea just like she always did whenever I was late for my shooting. I look at her and for some reason tears start streaming down my face.
"Mum" I barely choke out before the stupid tears blind my eyes.
My mother immediately stands from her chair and moves closer to me. "oh my God, Jackson what happened!?" she asks in a panic looking all over me to see if I was hurt anywhere. When she realises that I have no physical injuries she pulls me into her embrace and I can't help but just cry.
Why do I have to feel like I'm going through a bad break up? Why does my heart have to burn and ache for a love that isn't even mine?
My mother has always been my safe zone, actually my family has always been my safe space but how do I tell my mother that I can't get over a man who's middle name I don't even know? how do I tell them that I tried the best I can but I just can't?
I can't stop thinking about him , I can't stop wanting to touch him, I can't stop wanting to hear his voice,I can't stop wanting to be close to him. I feel like the moment I go to sleep my soul might sneak out of my body and go see him. There is just so much that I am feeling and I can't do anything about it because all of this is just fake. All of it is fake! none of these exist- all these feelings are made up.
They are from a paper world that could burn and I wouldn't care because I would not even get a scratch from it, they are not real but I am!. I want my body back. I want to feel like me again. How would Eian even look at me when I'm like this crying about fake things and being unable to forget a world that was made up by a woman who was bored during her breakup?.
That night I cried my heart out in my mother's arms. I cried until I felt all the exhaustion of the past few days almost lull me to sleep. My mother did not know how to help me. She couldn't know. She probably has an idea, but my mother is not the type to talk unless I talked to her first and what am I going to say? How do I start ?.
If I had known back then that things could be this bad, that my heart would hurt this deep I maybe wouldn't have chosen to be Zack, No actually, if I had just never looked into those eyes I would have never accepted him as Eden. I should have chose someone with forgettable looks and a terrible personality.
What horrifies me is what if maybe I eventually don't hate feeling like this, would my mother be okay with it?... would Eian be okay with it?, would the rest of my family and friends or his family be okay with our relationship if I decided to just keep these hand crafted feelings?.
What if I made my guest a resident?
With these thoughts running through my mind I cry even harder and bury my face into my mothers shoulder as if hoping her small bones that seem to have shrunk with time could hide me from the sinister eyes of my inhibitor and they would just leave me alone and take their feelings with them.I can't loose my friends and family over a life that isn't mine.
One way or another I have to get rid of this toxic parasite that is trying to destroy everything I have.
But will I ever?...