***
While I was getting dressed I heard the four scariest words that can ever be spoken.
"We need to talk." Sophia said. She was already changed, sitting on the bed.
No.
No, no, no.
I panic. That's Sophia's sensible voice. The one she uses in class, I'm fucked. She's going to leave me.
The powder! If I'm too pretty it will short circuit her brain. She won't be able to realize that she shouldn't stay. That I'm poison.
She can't leave, I won't let her.
I reach for the pouch of elven glamour. Trying my best to keep my hands from shaking. But my arm stops moving, my hand freezes in mid air.
[Reckless.]
'Gestalt let me go!'
[You made us promise.]
'This is when you stop me? I held a mugger at gunpoint yesterday!'
[You were in control then.]
'Please Gestalt. Please let me go. I need this, I can't let her leave me.'
[Do you trust us.]
'...' I do. More than anything, I do.
[We believe your fears to be unfounded. We do not believe that the topic of conversation will be her leaving. If you trust us, sit and listen.]
I trust, I listen, I sit down on the floor. Waiting for my doom.
"Are you okay?" Sophia asked, "you froze and then sat on the floor, was it Gestalt?"
"Err, yeah. They were helping me. With… stuff." I finish lamely. Fuck what is wrong with me? Yesterday I faced down an, admittedly polite mugger with a knife to my belly - like it was nothing. Today four little words almost sent me into a panic attack.
'Am I bipolar?'
[No. That is not the way your brain is broken.]
'Wait, how is my brain broken?'
[Focus, we will talk after.]
Ah yes. Back to the conversation I want to avoid.
"What did you want to talk about?" I can't help but tense up.
"Yesterday." Sophia starts, "You planned for that ruffian, didn't you? You wanted those bracers, but you didn't have enough Fracs so you lured them to us, didn't you?"
I would say she's very observant and clever to put that all together, and she is both of those things! But I did also tell her I was going to double or nothing before dragging her down a shady alley - so it wasn't like I was really hiding the plan.
"Ehhh, yeah I guess." I could try and lie, but one; it would be obvious, and two; I'm an awful liar. I can barely keep my facts straight about what did happen, let alone what didn't.
"I needed Fracs and we were on a time limit. I assessed the risk, I knew we were being watched by the Academy. Because we are rift walkers and it would be insane for them not to. It was primarily a tourist and business Marketplace, a rich one too. So the gangs operating in the area would have to fit the decorum or they wouldn't survive. Loud crimes in rich areas attract attention - so I felt confident that I would be able to negotiate with any muggers. I didn't sense any mana follow, other than the trace amounts that you have cycling for your inactive barrier enchantment. So I knew they didn't have a mage nearby. So once you activated your barrier we were completely safe."
"Also gun beats knife." I finished.
Holy shit, did I really think about all that at the time? I did, I think. That dream training has been more effective than I thought.
[Thank you.]
'Love you buddies, and also, thank you for stopping me.'
[Focus.]
Sophia gave me the 'what the fuck?' look. But politely, because she's a nun. 'What the heck?' maybe?
"That is a lot." she said.
"Yeah sorry. I guess I get a little goal orientated sometimes." I rub the back of my head.
"Thank you for being honest." She said, "but it is not the way of the Lord of Light to encourage confrontation, it is to be avoided where possible. To submit to his good graces that he might protect us in our hours of need."
"Submit to becoming his broodmares more like."
Fuck.
I shouldn't have said that.
Shit, fuck, can I take it back?
"I'm sorry." I said. "I didn't mean that."
Sophia just looked at me, hurt bleeding from her eyes. "Yes. You did."
I did. I know I did. I still do.
"I'm sorry." I whisper, "I'm gonna go hang with Lillian."
I walk to the door. "I shouldn't have said that. I really am sorry."
***
I enter Lillian's room. Shiv is here, currently making some sort of weapon with stolen materials.
I collapse face first into Lillian's bed.
"You fuck up?" Lillian asked.
"I fucked up." I replied.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Fuck no, Shiv's here - let's go blow shit up."
"We can't throw bombs around the Academy." Lillian countered.
"Ugh, there are fucking rules for everything!"
"Talk, miss emotionally stunted." Lillian pressed.
Why can't I just hide from all my problems? "Sophia disagreed with how I handled things yesterday."
"And?"
"I said her god wants her to be his broodmare."
Lillian did that thing, where you suck in air through your teeth. "Damn, you really did fuck up." But then she picked me up and gave me a hug. "But don't worry. Sophia is smart, she already knew that you felt that way. That's how the Realms are. We all have different ideas about what is correct, different beliefs, different ways of doing things. We all just have to accept that."
"Take goblins for example. Goblins are extremely fucked up."
"True." Shiv added.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You know ducks?" Lillian said.
"Yeah?"
"Goblins are like ducks."
What the fuck does that mean? Wait, oh, ooooooh. The Fuck?!
"So what, do you just have to run away from all the male goblins all the time? Wait, is that how your litters happened?" I asked Shiv.
"There are no male goblins. We are all born female. And yeah that's how my litters happened. But not where all my kids come from." She just chuckles evilly. "Sometimes you get, sometimes you get got."
That's both fucked up and cryptic. "Could you explain how it works?" I asked.
Shiv just rolled her eyes, "You know last time we talked about this, I told you to read a book. Whatever. When a goblin does enough cool shit, and gets a big enough ego about it, they go into a rut. And for the duration of the rut we gain some secondary sexual characteristics."
"You grow a dick?"
"Eww gross no!" Shiv said.
"It's worse" Lillian jumped in. "They use their tongues as dicks." She laughs.
"Wait." I said. "So the reason that Lillian was mad at you - back when you showed me your tongue…"
"Yeah, she flopped her dick out at the breakfast table." Lillian finished.
Shiv just grinned. I threw a pillow at her.
"Goblins are fucked up." I said.
Shiv just nodded. "Yeah, to you humans. But it's just the norm for us. It's the same for Sophia, all Lord of Light broodmare stuff is normal for her. To her it's the right thing to do. But to a goblin like me it's insane. Imagine looking after kids after they are done with your teats, all you humans are a bunch of child botherers. Really kinda weird if you think about it. You should leave the kids to blow themselves up on their own. Instead of being all weird and controlling over them. Humans are perverts."
That is certainly an interesting take. "So you are both telling me I fucked up?"
"Yeah pretty much." Said Shiv. "You gotta stop thinking of what Sophia believes in as wrong. You can't fix something that is working correctly for her. Even if you don't like it."
I just buried my face in Lillian's bed. I can't accept it. I don't want to accept it. But I also can't let her go.
***
We have dueling practice first. Gideon has us running through some basic techniques. I don't feel like Gideon's heart is really in it.
It's almost like dueling is something we have to do because it's a magic school. A bit like learning maths and English back home.
***
I get called into Maria's office at lunch time. I get ready for another bollocking.
Maria's office is insane, massive arch windows, stained glass. Huge stone open fireplace. A fur rug made out of a creature that I don't recognize but looks terrifying.
Shame about the endless stacks of books and paper everywhere.
Maria is at her desk buried under a mountain of paperwork. "Astrid told me about your time in the market." She said, who the hell is Astrid and why's that bitch snitching on me?
Maria looked at my confused face. "Astrid is your assets handling teacher." She said, yeah that makes sense, probably should have assumed that.
She grabs a coin from her desk, and flips it to me. I caught it, one handed, like a badass. "You did good, it's exactly that sort of lateral thinking that we are looking for at the academy. I was going to wait a bit before giving you this coin. But you have proven you are ready for a little bit more slack on your leash."
I hold it in my hands. "What is it?" I asked.
"It's an emergency rift door. It takes you to a secure safe house, you and everything in a four foot circle around you. It also works as an alarm system. Hold it in your domain, use it if you ever feel threatened. Do not hold back, I would rather you use it for a wrong reason rather than hold and not use it for a right reason. With this you are cleared to be out in the city on your own. But stay in the city, please do not go to another realm without me or another Rift Officer."
I just nod my head. Honestly this is not what I was expecting. I thought Maria would bollock me for causing trouble.
As if she read my mind. Which honestly might be possible for her. She said, "We are not training soldiers or scholars here. A Rift Officer is an army unto themselves. We cooperate, but we do not give each other orders. You made an excellent risk evaluation and exploited the situation to expand your asset portfolio. You are going to make a fine Rift Officer."
Well, fuck yeah. Gotta say I feel better about everything now. It feels weird that Sophia is wrong, but this is not a peaceful job.
***
Creature handling had more bunnicorns, fuck yeah! I have no idea what happened in that lecture, too busy petting the bunnicorn!
***
I did my last gym session of the week, before returning to my room. I might have done a double session.
I had classes with Sophia, so I had seen her. But we didn't talk, or sit next to each other, or hold hands.
All day!
It was torture. I hated it. But I was also half to blame. But now I can't avoid her anymore, we still have to sleep together.
I square my shoulders, raise my head up high, put my hand on the door knob.
Then chicken shit out of it.
No, stop, you can do this. You are a big girl, you have your big girl pants on, they go all the way to your knees. You can do this!
I put my hand back on the knob, heh, and push the door open.
Sophia is sitting on the bed.
"Look…" was all I managed to say before she slammed into my arms. She is sobbing, which of course means I'm sobbing.
We just hold each other and cry for a bit.
When we eventually calmed down, I tried again. "I talked to Lillian and Shiv. They explained some things to me. You're right I don't like it, but it is yours and I respect that. But I also don't follow it. It is not my way, it's not the type of rift officer I am going to be. I hope you can understand that?"
Sophia just nods in my arms. "I understand, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have put my faith on you."
She helped me peel off my sweaty workout clothes and wiped me down - even though I could have done it myself. Which, holy shit, that is as hot as hell.
We crawl into bed, and hold each other.
I want to kiss her so badly.
[Need us to hold you back?]
'Maybe.'
***
***
We have a Tangerine Stone discord!
https://discord.gg/5xdCCgj5R7
A couple of commenters are already there! Come hang out!
But you still have to post comments in the comment section! I will be cross if you don't!