"So?" I leaned back in my office chair.
"Hm… I don't know. I might need to test a couple more." John Constantine burped loudly after finishing his fifth health potion. "You know what they call it, yeah? A surety check."
"Right. For the seventh time?" I scoffed. "I'm not letting you even try the alcoholic ones if you don't make good on your promise."
John straightened as if someone had dumped cold water on him. "Now… now… let's not get hasty." He leaned across the desk with a crooked grin. "Perchance you let me have a little wee taste first…"
"Or… I could just do this." I clapped my hands.
Gary and Stu appeared out of thin air beside me, both immediately growling even without an explicit command.
Hmmm. Did magical creatures come with a built-in John Constantine hate button?
After getting to know the man for the last hour, I could honestly understand why. He was like someone had taken a car salesman, a scam artist, and your drunk uncle, blended them, then carefully removed any redeeming traits before pouring the result into one very shitty human being.
Then someone sprinkled a bit of unknown magical nonsense on top.
That, apparently, produced John Constantine.
"Fine, fine. I swear you young'uns got no respect." John grumbled as if I were fleecing him, which was impressive considering he'd spent the last half hour shamelessly trying to milk me for free potions. "Where's the bloody pen?"
Man… I had met some shameless bastards over the years, but this guy was something else.
"Here you go, you bastard." A sheet of paper slapped down onto my desk. "Now pay up."
I rolled my eyes as I grabbed the page and skimmed through it. Several names were written across the list: Jason Blood, Madame Xanadu, Giovanni Zatara, and Alan Scott. Beneath each one were a few rough notes about them and vague suggestions on how I might manage to track them down.
There was nothing as convenient as an actual phone number.
Still, it was better than nothing.
I snapped my fingers and dismissed Gary and Stu back into my pocket space before opening the drawer that held my personal stash. After a moment of digging around, I tossed a bottle across the desk.
John caught it easily and gave a low whistle. The glass bottle held a rich amber liquid. "What's this do?"
"Nothing." I raised a hand when he frowned. "I devoted all the effects to improving the alcohol itself. Better aroma, deeper flavor, and I tweaked it so you literally can't get a hangover from it, no matter how much you drink."
The man moved faster than I'd ever seen him. The seal popped instantly, and John didn't even bother asking for a glass before taking a long swig straight from the bottle.
Dude… ugh, that bottle was definitely his now. There was no way in hell I was drinking that after him.
John exhaled happily as he sank back into the chair. "That's some top-notch brewski." He lifted the bottle slightly. "You know… if you're looking for a teacher, I might just—"
"Hard pass." I shot him a deeply disgusted look.
The fact that I had even briefly considered asking this man to teach me magic was enough to make me cringe.
"Hey! I'll have you know I've been learning magic since I was a wee lad." He took another generous swig. "I'd be a kickass teacher."
"Right…" I leaned back slightly, trying to figure out how to get this man out of my office without physically throwing him out.
"Hic! You know I've been around this game a long time, so I'm pretty perceptive." John waved the hand holding the bottle, sloshing a bit of scotch onto the chair.
Scratch that. Maybe I really should just throw this fucker out.
"So I'm reaaall curious who gave you your powers." John tilted his head back against the chair as he spoke.
I paused, my eyes widening before I could stop myself.
Shit.
I quickly tried to smooth my expression into something blank, but I was a step too late.
"Haha! I was right then." John leaned forward, and suddenly his eyes looked far sharper than they had a moment ago.
Was this bastard only pretending to be drunk?
"Did you sell your nan's soul for some luck and magical goodies?"
I forced myself to relax and leaned back. "Hell no. I'd never even met a demon before tonight."
Although that bastard I put a bullet into had definitely been evil enough to count.
"Some faerie didn't offer you a deal or whisper into your dreams about power and wonders?" John kept staring at me with an unnervingly focused gaze.
I had been about to make a joke, but something about the way he was looking at me made that feel like a bad idea.
"No." I met his eyes directly. "I didn't make any deals, and I didn't sell my soul."
John held my gaze for several long seconds.
Was this bastard about to do something?
I kept my metaphorical finger on the trigger, ready to summon my familiars at a moment's notice.
The air in the room grew tense.
"Welp! Not my problem then." John leaned back and took another swig as if the entire conversation had never happened.
Just like that?
This fucking guy… I was going to have a stroke if he stayed any longer.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Alright, thanks for stopping by, but it's late. Time to go, grandpa."
"Whaaat? I was just getting started." John slurred the words in an exaggerated tone that made it impossible to tell if he was faking it or not. "You spray good old John like a dog, then you throw him out like one too…"
Fuck. I thought I was shameless, but this motherfucker…
I let out a long breath.
"I'll give you another bottle if you get out of here."
"Deal!" John shot to his feet and immediately headed for the door.
Well, there went my drinking supply. Still worth the price.
I stood and followed him out of the office and into the mansion's hallway. With a quiet sigh of regret, I tossed him the only other bottle I had left in my stash.
I snapped my fingers and summoned Gary again.
"He'll walk you out." I patted Gary's head while the creature growled at Constantine.
"Whaaat? Don't think I can find my own way out—"
"Gary, if he tries anything, toast him."
Gary opened his mouth and let a low rumble of flames roll out from his maw.
"Welp… time to go, then," John muttered.
I sighed as John Constantine finally disappeared down the hall. That had been… something.
God, I was exhausted. No more dealing with weirdos tonight. I was finishing my work and going to sleep.
I turned and walked back into my office.
Then I froze.
A faceless man wearing a fedora and a purple trench coat was sitting in my chair.
"Good evening, Son of Crime. I have some questions."
I stared at the man for a long second.
Then I turned around and walked back out.
Nope.
***
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I have advanced chapters on my Pa tre on/daisyberry if you wanna read ahead.