Jim had been Commissioner of Gotham for a long time. He had seen more strange and terrible things than most people could imagine, from the ordinary horrors of human cruelty to the endless insanities of monsters like the Joker.
Even so, police officers crying like babies because of the Y.M.C.A. song ranked near the top.
"Freeze. Stop… stop dancing, or I'll shoot!"
God. Why did this have to happen on his day off?
Jean Valjean stopped dancing, though neither officer stopped crying or… pissing themselves.
Keeping his pistol trained on the cell, Jim quickly bent down toward the two officers. "Jesus Christ. What did he do to you two? Get a hold of yourselves."
He tried to help Officer Tom to his feet, but the younger man refused to stand and instead pressed his forehead to the floor.
"I did it! I did it! So get me away from that monster, Commissioner! I confess, it was me! I tried to kill him, so please, please, please—"
He broke down into sobs again.
"…What?" Jim turned to the senior officer, Reagan, but he was not much better. The older man was sucking his thumb and weeping like an actual baby.
Left with no better option, Jim turned to the only non-babbling person in the room.
"Explain what happened here."
Jean Valjean shrugged. "They tried to assassinate me."
"And the reason they're crying and screaming like babies?"
"…Skill issue."
Jim took a slow breath in, then let it out just as slowly. "Skill issue of what…?"
"They simply could not handle the emotional weight of Y.M.C.A. and my dance moves."
"Right." Jim massaged his temple. "I'm finding that very hard to believe."
"Well, the idiots stole from your armory and literally talked about it out loud, so if you check your cameras, I'm betting you'll have proof."
The headache in human form leaned back on the jail cell bench without a care in the world.
Jim's eyes snapped toward the shotguns lying on the floor. He hadn't thought much of it at first, but neither Tom nor Reagan should have had the key to the armory. They also had no reason to pull out riot gear in the first place.
Oh, he really did not like the look of this.
"Wait here. I swear to God, if you pull something, I'm gonna give you hell."
"I'm a law-abiding citizen, of course." Jean Valjean smiled at him.
Jim quickly hurried back to his office and pulled up the camera feeds from the last ten minutes. Unlike what he had hoped, everything the crime boss said was true. The idiots really had taken weapons from the armory in plain sight.
There went his dreams of a cold beer and a quiet afternoon in front of the TV.
Damn it all.
There had also been a gas alarm triggered, which explained why the precinct had been emptied out. Worse, it meant some officers must have helped set this whole thing up.
Ugh. He had thought he'd rooted out all the plants.
Now he was going to have to do another sweep.
Could Gotham not be the worst city in the world for one goddamn day?
Already knowing his day off was dead, Jim rubbed a hand over his face and grabbed a radio. "This is Commissioner Gordon. False alarm, code X46ATB—"
After that, he slowly made his way back to the jail area. Thankfully, there were no more crying officers waiting for him. He quickly cuffed the two idiots, both of whom were still acting more like terrified toddlers than grown men.
With nothing much left to do until the rest of the precinct returned, Jim dragged over a stool and sat down across from Jean Valjean's cell.
"You were set up," Jim said with a tired sigh.
At this point, it was obvious. With everything that had happened, Jim would have bet his life on it.
It had been a long while since someone had been this heavy-handed with the GCPD.
"Yeppp."
"Even if it obviously failed, that doesn't change the fact that they were my men. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"Ha…" Jean paused, then smiled. "You actually mean it."
"Of course I do." Jim frowned.
"Apology accepted, then." The crime boss grinned. "I know a thing or two about troublesome subordinates myself, so no blame cast. Although if you want to make it a real apology, letting me out of this cell would be nice."
"The warrant is probably hogwash. I'll have my men investigate it as they should have in the first place. If it went through the usual channels, you'll be out of here before the day's done."
"Even if I offered you a little gift?" Jean asked with a smile.
"Are you attempting to bribe the Commissioner of Police?" Jim asked dryly.
"…Maybe."
"I'll have to respectfully decline," Jim said. "While I'm sorry for what happened, young man, I can't say I particularly like you."
"Really?" The kid laughed. "Because I think you're pretty cool despite our professional disagreements. Seriously, you don't want anything? No strings attached."
"Some goddamn peace and quiet in my own goddamn precinct would be nice."
Not that he was going to get any of that anytime soon. The audits and the sweep to figure out who had done this were going to be a nightmare.
"I see…" Jean Valjean chuckled. "I hope you get some pretty soon."
"As if." Jim snorted.
Then a soft chorus drifted into his ears.
God, he was tired.
Maybe just a little shut-eye…
—
"Commissioner… Commissioner!"
"Ugh…" Jim twitched. "I'm up. I'm up."
"Oh, thank God." Renee leaned back with a hand over her chest.
What the hell was going on?
Jim looked around and found himself surrounded by a dozen officers, all of them staring at him with expressions that ranged from weirded out to outright impressed.
"Man…" Harvey said, giving him a respectful nod. "Hell, Gordon, I didn't know you had that in you."
"What are you—"
Jim turned and froze.
Twenty officers were sprawled across the floor, every last one of them weeping and shivering like babies.
He pushed himself to his feet, but that only made the twenty nearby cops flinch even harder. A second later, they all started babbling over each other, confessing at once to being corrupt, mob plants, or selling information to villains.
Harvey patted him on the shoulder. "You really outdid yourself this time, old friend. Scared them straight and got them to cough up the evidence, too?"
Around him, Jim could feel it happen almost in real time. The looks his officers were giving him were starting to get a little too respectful for his liking.
Jim, meanwhile, was only getting more confused.
Then his head snapped toward the jail cell.
It was empty.
The only thing left behind was a small carving in the wall.
Peace and Quiet.
Jim stared at it for a long second.
Oh, that motherfucker…
***
Comments and Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Likes are like a drug to me and boost my creative juices.
I have advanced chapters on my Pa tre on/daisyberry if you wanna read ahead.