Chapter 170: Monkey D. Uchiha Itachi Luffy
"Luffy. Are you serious right now?"
"Hey, Luffy, you..."
"Straw Hat-ya... aren't you worried Itachi-ya might actually kill you?"
"Itachi-ya? Are you... are you okay over there?"
The scene before them defied rational description.
Luffy had activated his Gum-Gum Fruit powers in a way that no one—not even the most creative Devil Fruit theorist—could have anticipated. He had stretched his rubber body into a long, rope-like form. He had wrapped himself around Itachi's torso. Multiple times. His arms. His legs. His rubber torso coiled around the shinobi like a human straitjacket. Only his head remained free, and that head was now resting cheerfully on Itachi's right shoulder.
From a purely visual standpoint, Itachi's upper body had been completely cocooned by Luffy. Two heads now occupied the space above his shoulders—Itachi's own, which was radiating an aura of barely contained homicidal intent, and Luffy's, which was beaming with the unbridled joy of a man who had solved a very difficult problem.
"YOSH! From this moment forward, we are MONKEY D. ITACHI!"
Luffy deepened his voice, attempting to mimic Itachi's characteristic deadpan. "Very well. Law and I shall now depart for the hinterlands of Big Mom's territory. Does this arrangement satisfy everyone?"
"Gahahahaha!" Chopper and Usopp collapsed against each other, tears of laughter streaming down their faces.
The rest of the crew stared at Itachi, whose facial expression had transcended mere anger and entered some new territory of existential resignation. Black lines covered his face so completely that he resembled a woodblock print of impending violence.
Law noticed Itachi's chest rising and falling. Very slowly. Very deliberately.
"Alternatively," Luffy continued in his Itachi voice, "you may address us as UCHIHA LUFFY."
The imitation was terrible. The situation was absurd. Itachi's right eye had begun to twitch.
"Oh, but wait. It's not actually Itachi and Law going together anymore. It's ALL THREE of us. So the name should stay... Monkey D. Itachi."
"Luffy."
Itachi turned his head. Very slowly. Very deliberately. The black lines on his face had converged into a single, overwhelming aura of promised suffering.
"GET OFF."
Itachi seized Luffy's neck and stretched it. And stretched it. And stretched it. Luffy's head departed from his shoulder and kept going, his rubber throat elongating to truly improbable proportions, until his face was somewhere in the vicinity of the hollow's ceiling.
"GAHAHAHA!" Zoro—Zoro—doubled over, laughing so hard he had to brace himself against a wall. "ITACHI! YOUR FACE!"
"It hurts! Itachi! STOP!"
"I AM MONKEY D. ITACHI! YOU CAN'T HURT MONKEY D. ITACHI! THAT WOULD BE SELF-HARM!"
No amount of pulling would dislodge him. Desperate, Itachi activated his Wood Release. Thorns sprouted from his upper body. Sharp. Pointed. Unmistakably hostile.
"GYAAAH!"
Luffy launched himself off Itachi's torso, clutching his posterior—which, moments before, had been wrapped around the shinobi's waist and had borne the brunt of the wooden assault.
"It HURTS! Itachi's so MEAN! He can STAB people! With his BODY!"
Chopper and Usopp were on the floor now, physically incapable of standing.
It took several minutes for the laughter to subside. When it finally did, Luffy stood before Itachi and Law with his arms crossed. The joking was over. His expression was serious.
"Anyway. Itachi. Tra-guy."
"I'm the captain. It's my job to save my nakama. I'm going to bring Sanji back, and I'm going to do it MYSELF!"
"Straw Hat—"
"Even if you try to leave without me, I'll just row there by myself! I'll swim if I have to! I'm GOING!"
Silence.
Itachi and Law exchanged a long, weighted glance. Law shook his head, a rueful smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"Itachi-ya. Just as you predicted."
The conversation had happened hours ago. Itachi and Law, standing apart from the rest of the crew, had mapped out the possibilities. Two scenarios. The first: Luffy accepted their reasoning without resistance. He stayed on Zou. He waited. They handled Sanji's retrieval alone. But even during that discussion, Itachi had rated this scenario's probability as vanishingly small. He had never seen Luffy abandon a crewmate's rescue to someone else. Not once. Not in all the memories the crooked old man had shown him.
He had even anticipated that Luffy might try to follow them covertly—stowing away on Law's submarine, tracking them through the New World, appearing at the worst possible moment to throw their carefully laid infiltration plans into chaos.
He had not anticipated this.
The second scenario had always been the more likely one: Luffy would insist on coming. The key, Itachi and Law had decided, was to use their initial refusal as leverage. Let Luffy feel the resistance. Let him understand the stakes. Then, when he inevitably insisted... he would already have absorbed the lecture about restraint.
Itachi exhaled slowly. "The three of us go together. But Luffy—you must remember. This is an infiltration mission. We are retrieving Sanji. We are NOT declaring war on an Emperor."
"The Four Emperors are enemies we must eventually defeat on the path to becoming Pirate King. But this mission—"
"Don't worry! Leave it to me!" Luffy bounced in front of Itachi, eyes blazing with sincerity. "I'm not stupid! I totally get it! This mission is about bringing Sanji back! Quietly! SECRETLY!"
Law stared at Luffy's bouncing form and felt a cold sweat break out across his forehead. "Straw Hat-ya... you've never done anything quietly in your entire life."
"It's fine! It's FINE! I'll be so quiet you won't even know I'm there!"
"The only reason this arrangement is acceptable," Law muttered, "is because Itachi-ya will be there to enforce it."
"YOSH!" Luffy slammed his fists together. "THEN IT'S DECIDED! Me, Itachi, and Tra-guy are going to bring Sanji back!"
Nami shrugged with the resignation of someone who had seen this exact outcome coming from the moment Luffy opened his mouth. "Well. I figured it would end up like this."
"Is that your condition for the alliance?" Raizo asked. "To wait for Sanji-kun's return? That's quite acceptable."
"Yeah! When Sanji comes back, he's worth a thousand men!" Luffy grinned.
Zoro crossed his arms. "Then I'm worth two thousand."
"Yes, yes, our Zoro is very impressive." Nami patted his head like a cat.
Inuarashi's brow furrowed. "The place you're going... that's Big Mom's territory. Will you truly be alright?"
"Of course! We're not planning to fight! It'll be fine!" Luffy's grin didn't waver.
"Wait."
Nami stepped forward. Her expression had shifted. The navigator's playful exasperation had given way to something heavier.
"I'm going too."
"NANI?!" Chopper and Usopp—the other two-thirds of the Coward Trio—recoiled in perfect synchronization. "NAMI!!"
"Sanji left because of me. Because I was taken hostage. Because he was trying to protect me." Nami's voice was steady. "I have to go."
"Nami..." Itachi opened his mouth, but she cut him off.
"I have the same feelings as Luffy, Itachi. You don't need to convince me otherwise."
"AHHH! NAMI!" Chopper and Brook burst into tears. "SO BRAVE! SO BEAUTIFUL!"
"Then we're coming too!" Chopper and Brook shouted in unison. "Our emotions have been stirred! We WILL be part of this rescue!"
"FIND YOUR OWN SHIP!" Law roared.
"And also..."
Nami's gaze grew distant. Calculating. A familiar gleam entered her eyes.
"Has everyone forgotten what happened on Fishman Island?"
Usopp blinked. "Fishman Island? You mean... when Luffy declared war on Big Mom?"
"No. Not that." Nami shook her head. "The treasure. The treasure of Fishman Island that those idiots handed over to Big Mom!"
Her cheeks flushed. Her fists clenched. "There was an entire chest of treasure. UNOPENED treasure. I don't even know if it's still there. But if it is..."
She looked at Itachi. A smile spread across her face.
"This time, Itachi's coming. Which means we have firepower. Real firepower. And where there's Big Mom... there's treasure. LOTS of treasure. We're DEFINITELY doing some treasure hunting while we're there."
Usopp turned to stone. A solid, grey, completely petrified statue.
Brook drew his sword. Chopper struck a combat pose beside him. "Our spirits have been moved! The mission to bring back Sanji-san... WE will be part of it too! Yohohoho!"
"YEAH! Count us in!" Chopper's antlers quivered with determination.
Law turned to Itachi. His expression was that of a man who had long since passed the point of surprise and entered a state of profound, almost zen-like acceptance.
"Itachi-ya. Did you predict this too?"
(End of Chapter)
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