I was dreaming.
Though more than a dream… it was a memory.
The memory of my mother's words.
I was getting ready for my first day of high school. The uniform was slightly too big for me, and even though I tried to look confident in the mirror, my hands wouldn't stop sweating.
I was scared.
But I also had a goal.
Get good grades. Don't fail.
Just before crossing the door, my mother called me.
"Itsuki, come here for a moment."
I turned around.
She was looking at me with an expression I've never been able to forget.
She hugged me tightly.
"Itsuki… in life, you'll have to work twice as hard as everyone else if you want to become someone you can feel proud of. You'll make friends, yes… but you'll also meet people who will try to hurt you or lead you off your path."
She pulled back slightly and placed her hands on my shoulders.
"But there's something I want you to engrave in your heart."
Her voice trembled, just a little.
"Never hurt a woman. Never play with her feelings. If one day someone gives you her heart, take care of it even if you can't keep it. Always respect her. Love with honesty. And if you can't love… at least don't destroy."
A knot formed in my throat.
"And become someone better than your father," she continued. "Don't repeat his mistakes. Don't abandon. Don't promise what you can't fulfill. Don't make someone cry who looks at you with hope."
I lowered my gaze.
"Mom… you don't have to say that," I replied, uncomfortable. "I know Dad left with another family and wasn't the best example… but I don't want to think about that right now."
She smiled sadly.
"Someday you'll understand why I'm telling you this. Just promise me you'll try to become a man no one will regret loving."
I didn't respond.
But I nodded.
The alarm rang.
I opened my eyes abruptly.
"That's right… today's Friday," I murmured, still sleepy.
I got up, made my bed, brushed my teeth, and followed my usual routine.
When I stepped outside, I was surprised.
Ayae was waiting for me.
Normally we meet halfway, but today she was there, as if she had decided to make sure I actually left.
I didn't say anything.
We walked toward school together.
I noticed she had put more effort into her appearance than usual.
Her hair was neatly arranged, her uniform spotless.
She looked… beautiful.
But something in her expression didn't match her appearance.
She seemed distant.
Maybe she just wanted to feel pretty. After all, she has a natural beauty anyone would notice. Maybe she's finally aware of it and wants to embrace it.
But as we walked in silence, another question started tormenting me.
Am I following my mother's advice?
We arrived at school without exchanging a word.
During the day, everything was normal.
Too normal.
But…
Ayae didn't speak to me.
Not even when we were grouped together in the chemistry lab.
She avoided looking at me.
Did she find out about the meeting and that we didn't invite her?
Or worse… about the kiss with Asia?
I kept thinking.
But… why does it bother me so much?
Ayae and I are just friends.
Just friends.
Though…
Deep down, I know that if I keep walking beside her like this, one day I might start feeling something more.
And that scares me.
I'm confused.
Maybe she is too.
Recess began.
I was sitting at my desk when I stood up to leave, but before I could take a step, someone approached me.
"Itsuki, come buy something with me, please," Natsuki said in an almost childish tone.
She grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the classroom.
I didn't even have time to react.
When we reached the stand, I noticed she looked nervous.
"Natsuki… didn't you bring money?"
She stayed silent for a few seconds.
"I forgot," she murmured, discouraged.
I sighed.
"Why do I feel like I'm going to regret this…?"
I bought something and handed it to her.
Her eyes sparkled.
"Thank you so much, Itsuki… you're such a sweet person."
That phrase made me hesitate.
Not long ago, she had threatened me so I wouldn't get close to Monika.
And now she was acting as if nothing had happened.
Though… we've been classmates since elementary school. Maybe neither of us wants to ruin this final year with resentment.
At least, that's what I want to believe.
As we walked back, she was eating happily.
I thought that would be the end of it.
But suddenly she grabbed my arm.
"Itsuki… would you spend today with me?"
I stayed silent.
What does she mean by that?
But if I want to understand her… I have to accept.
"Alright. Where do you want to go?"
"To the game fair… the one that opens on Fridays," she said shyly. "I've always wanted to go… but I don't have anyone to go with."
"Why me?"
She lowered her gaze.
"My cousin is busy with Monika. I could go with my friends… but I'd feel more at ease with you."
I didn't know what to say.
"So… eight o'clock?" she asked.
"Okay…" I replied.
She smiled.
A sincere smile.
And left.
I returned to the classroom.
Classes continued normally.
With five minutes left, I looked at Ayae from a distance.
She looked dim.
As if she were carrying something she doesn't want to say.
The bell rang.
I packed my things.
When I turned around…
Ayae was gone.
She left without me.
I had to walk home alone.
Why is she acting like this?
Did I do something?
I remembered that she loves video games. She even has her own gaming PC. Sometimes she would come to my house and we'd play for hours.
Maybe… while I was focused on the screen, I made some kind of physical contact that made her uncomfortable.
After all, she's a girl.
She has the right to feel uncomfortable.
And then I remembered something else.
Ayae partnered up with Natsuki for the report.
When I tried to ask her if she wanted to do it with me, Natsuki looked at me with hatred.
And now…
I have to go out with her tonight.
And the worst part isn't the fair.
The worst part is that I don't know if I'm slowly breaking the promise I made to my mother.
I came back to reality when I closed the door behind me.
The silence of the house greeted me like always, but this time… it felt different.
Heavier.
I went up to my room and, as I placed the report on my desk, I remembered I still had to print it. My printer had been broken for months. Now that I think about it, that machine is nothing more than a useless ornament collecting dust. We never took the time to get it fixed.
I grabbed my phone and called Kunze.
I asked if I could print the report at his place. He said yes, told me to come over right away, and that we could hang out while the pages printed.
I went out again.
The afternoon air was cold.
I walked to his house, and when I arrived, Kunze opened the door with unusual energy. He had that smile that only appears when someone is hiding good news.
While setting up the printer, he couldn't stop moving around excitedly. The pages began sliding out slowly, one after another, and we used the time to talk.
Until I mentioned Asia.
His face changed completely.
"Asia is such a charming girl," he said with a joy that almost seemed childish. "I gave her a bouquet of roses and a teddy bear. I told her I'll try my hardest to earn a place in her heart. Now we're planning to go out every Saturday… and during recess we talk about everything that happens to us."
I just nodded.
"And today…" he continued, "she asked if I was okay because I fell asleep for a moment. Math class was so boring. I think she got worried because I didn't go up to her when the bell rang. She looked so cute…"
I let out a soft laugh.
"Asia cares about you," I replied. "I'm sure soon you'll be the only one in her heart."
Kunze looked at me with gratitude.
"Thank you, Itsuki. If it weren't for you, I would've never met someone like her."
A small knot formed in my throat, but I hid it.
"We're friends," I said. "It's the least I could do."
The printer finished.
Kunze organized the pages and handed them to me.
I tried to pay him, but he firmly refused.
I left his house with the folder under my arm.
And then I saw her.
Ayae was walking in the opposite direction.
She passed by me as if I didn't exist.
"Ayae…"
No response.
"Ayae."
Nothing.
The third time, she finally stopped.
But when she turned around, her expression wasn't the usual one.
And I… went blank.
I couldn't ask her right there, in the middle of the street. I couldn't corner her about something I didn't even understand myself.
So I improvised.
"Hey… since we've been kind of distant lately… do you want to play some video games at my place when I get home?"
For a moment, I was afraid she'd say no.
But she smiled.
"Yes!"
Too easily.
That gave me hope… a hope I didn't know I still had.
Back at my house, we turned on the console. We played her favorite game. Ayae seemed lively, even laughing like before.
But I know her.
And behind that smile, there was something.
Something that made her look away every time our hands brushed at the same time.
When the match ended, I turned off the screen.
Silence fell between us.
I swallowed.
"Ayae… why have you started avoiding me?"
She lowered her gaze.
"It's just that I…"
Her fingers intertwined nervously.
"I have a boyfriend," she finally said. "And I want to avoid misunderstandings. I don't want you to get into trouble because of me."
It felt like something broke inside me.
I don't know exactly what.
It's not like I had any claim over her.
It's not like I had confessed anything.
It's not like… I had promised her something.
And yet it hurt.
I forced myself to smile.
"I'm happy for you, Ayae."
The words came out clean. Perfect.
But inside, I felt a strange emptiness.
"Then you…" she murmured, almost inaudible.
"So… who's the lucky guy?" I asked, pretending curiosity.
"I'd rather keep it a secret for now…"
"I understand."
Understand.
Such a simple word for something I didn't understand at all.
"Itsuki… you look weird."
"It's nothing. Let's keep playing."
But we couldn't go back to how we were five minutes ago.
Ayae stayed silent for a moment.
Then she stood up.
"Itsuki… I think I should go."
I didn't stop her.
I had no right to.
I watched her fix her hair in front of the mirror, grab her things, and walk toward the door.
And for the first time… she didn't turn around to say goodbye like she always did.
The door closed.
The sound echoed louder than usual.
I stayed alone in the living room.
The controller was still in my hand.
I looked at the black screen.
Why did it hurt?
Ayae is my friend.
Just my friend.
She always has been.
So… why does that word, "boyfriend," feel like someone ripped something away from me that I didn't even know was mine?
Maybe I misunderstood what I was feeling all this time.
Maybe I got too used to her presence.
Maybe… I was selfish without realizing it.
I'm not the only guy who talks to her.
I'm not special.
I never was.
I let myself fall onto the couch.
The ceiling seemed higher than usual.
The silence colder.
I didn't know what I was feeling.
I only knew it hurt.
I closed my eyes.
And without realizing it, I fell asleep with that bitter sensation settling in my chest.
I woke up suddenly.
The living room was dim. My neck hurt from sleeping on the couch.
I grabbed my phone.
7:35 p.m.
I blinked several times until I remembered.
"That's right… I promised Natsuki I'd go to the fair with her…"
I got up quickly and went straight to the bathroom. The cold water helped clear my head, but not the heavy feeling in my chest.
While getting dressed, I noticed something.
The house was still empty.
I checked my phone again. A message from my mother.
"Wait for me at home. I got the night shift."
Even so, I grabbed my keys.
On the screen, there were several messages from Natsuki.
"I'm already here."
"Are you coming?"
"Itsuki…"
I sighed.
And left.
When I arrived, I saw her standing under the fair lights.
She was dressed up.
Her clothes matched perfectly, her hair was carefully styled, and her expression… was different.
Any other guy would've felt something immediately.
Surprise.
Attraction.
Admiration.
But… I didn't.
Inside me, the image of Ayae was still there.
The words she told me kept echoing in my head.
Even so, I smiled.
"Sorry I'm late."
"I thought you stood me up!" she said.
I shook my head.
And the night began.
The fair was full of lights and noise.
Natsuki ran from one game to another with almost childish excitement. She threw balls, won a small prize, complained when she lost, tried again.
I watched her laugh.
And something inside me loosened.
It was nice to see her like that.
Without threats.
Without hateful stares.
Without tension.
For moments, I forgot what had been weighing on me hours earlier.
But every time silence fell between games, my mind returned to the same place.
When we finished, we sat on a bench at the end of the fair. The lights flickered in front of us.
Natsuki was closer than usual.
"Itsuki… I had a really good time with you," she said softly. "I'd like to go out like this more often."
"I'm glad you had a good time… but you can also go out with other people. You wouldn't have a problem with that. Maybe… it would even be less awkward than going out with me."
I don't know why I said that.
Maybe because I felt like I didn't have the right to be here.
She moved closer.
Looked me straight in the eyes.
"But I want to go out with you. No one else."
Her eyes weren't playing around.
They were determined.
Any other guy would've felt his heart pounding.
I only felt pressure.
Like someone was waiting for a reaction I couldn't give.
"Thank you, Natsuki," I replied gently.
I hesitated a little before speaking.
"I promise I'll go out and have fun with you whenever you want."
I meant it.
I wanted to keep that promise.
But I didn't know if I could feel it.
My phone vibrated.
My mother telling me she was on her way back.
I checked the time.
1:15 a.m.
Time had slipped away.
I asked Natsuki if she wanted me to walk her home.
She accepted without hesitation.
We walked in silence.
When we reached her door, I said goodbye.
I turned to leave.
Then her hand grabbed mine.
Firm.
She stepped closer.
"Before you go… I want to do this."
I didn't have time to respond.
Her lips touched mine.
And the world went silent.
It was different from what I expected.
It wasn't uncomfortable.
It was… warm.
For a moment, my mind stopped thinking.
I felt very calm.
My phone was vibrating.
I ignored it.
I stayed there.
When we finally pulled apart, Natsuki was smiling slightly, her cheeks flushed.
It took me a second longer to react.
We said goodbye.
I took a few steps.
And then it came back.
That feeling.
Stronger than before.
It wasn't guilt.
It wasn't fear.
It was something deeper.
I stopped in the middle of the street.
Why do I feel like this?
Why don't I feel happy?
I touched my lips with my fingers.
I could still feel the warmth.
And yet…
The face that appeared in my mind wasn't Natsuki's.
It was Ayae's.
And that's when I understood.
It didn't hurt that Ayae had a boyfriend.
It hurt realizing that all this time, I wanted to be that person.
But because I was busy thinking about Monika, I never noticed.
And kissing Natsuki…
Didn't erase that feeling.
It only confused it more.
It wasn't peace I felt.
It was escape.
A moment where I didn't have to face what was really happening inside me.
I kept walking.
My phone vibrated again. It was my mother saying she'd arrive later because the car she was in had a flat tire.
Not even that disturbed me.
So then…
What is it that's really unsettling me?