'Un-yum-yum.'
This was my life now…
Watching a self-proclaimed 'lord' get spoon-fed like a baby.
And somehow, this wasn't even going to be the worst part of my weekend.
Kasumi and Eri sat together like mother and child.
'Here you go, Eri.' Kasumi picked up a piece of egg roll.
'Ahhh.'
Eri opened her mouth like a baby bird.
*Chew. Chew.*
She swallowed, then gave a small nod.
'Acceptable. Your feeding skills pass, my knight. And you…' She glanced at me. 'Your cooking is adequate. You may live.'
Thanks, I guess.
'Di-ran, do you have any plans for the weekend?' Kasumi asked, preparing another offering.
'No. I'll probably just stay at—'
'Cough—!'
Eri started choking.
'Ahhh!' Kasumi panicked.
I was already moving, a step behind her, arms in place.
'Cough—!'
A piece of egg roll shot out of her mouth like it had somewhere better to be.
'…'
Kasumi let out a breath once Eri recovered.
Patting her back, she said, 'Chew next time. The food isn't going to run away.'
'O… okay.' Eri nodded softly.
Kasumi handed her a bottle of water.
Eri twisted the cap off and immediately chugged it.
'Eri,' Kasumi's voice sharpened. 'What did I just say?'
Eri froze mid-chug.
'… Sorry.'
I sat back down. 'Why is Eri so calm around you, Kasumi?'
'Isn't she always like this?' Kasumi tilted her head.
I just stared at her.
'Have you ever seen her in the same room as Saki?'
'Hmm…' Kasumi rubbed her chin. 'I think I can see the vision.'
Eri set the bottle down.
'My knight. Resume your duties.' She patted her stomach.
Character development, gone.
Kasumi continued feeding her while eating her own meal in between bites.
'What was I going to say before?' Kasumi asked.
'Don't know.' I shrugged. 'Something about the weekend.'
'Ah, that's right.' Kasumi fed Eri some vegetables. 'I'm free on Sunday, so… do you want to go out?'
Her eyes had that hopeful sparkle.
Blinding.
Not subtle, either.
I had a feeling this would involve more people than I was comfortable with.
I hesitated.
'Sure. I'm down.'
'Great.' She lit up. 'I'm going to invite Saki as well. I miss her.'
Yeah… peace was never an option for me.
'You need me to ask her for you?'
'No.' She shook her head. 'I can message her.'
'Huh. When did you get her phone number?'
'A while ago.' She fed Eri some rice.
With a mouthful of rice, Eri waved her arms, trying to speak.
'Swallow first, Eri.' Kasumi said.
Eri obeyed, then immediately pulled out her phone.
'A knight must always be ready for their lord.' She gave Kasumi her phone. 'Input your contact information.'
Kasumi complied.
*Ding.*
Checking her own phone, she friended Eri.
'Your turn, my servant.'
'I can't believe I forgot,' I said as I added her as a friend.
I gave Eri back her phone and she held it with a smile before tucking it away like a treasure.
'Any ideas where you want to go, Kasumi?'
'Hmm…' Kasumi tapped her chin. 'I kind of want to go to an amusement park.'
'Then let's go to one.' I nodded.
'…'
'Really?'
'Yeah.' I shrugged. 'If you want to go, we go.'
Kasumi smiled softly.
'Th… thanks.'
'It's not a big deal.'
The Freedom Fighters run one. I might even get a discount.
'This lord shall join your expedition.' Eri raised her hand.
'Okay.' Kasumi smiled.
And just like that, my Sunday was doomed.
Let's just hope nothing too crazy will happen.
——————————————————-
[Sunday]
We met outside my house.
'Good morning, Kasumi.' I waved.
'Good morning, Di-ran, and you too, Eri.' She waved back.
'Kneel before this young master.' Eri stood, utterly domineering.
'Don't ask.' I told Kasumi. 'Saki happened.'
'Today…' She unfolded her fan. 'You shall address me as Young Master Eri.'
Right on cue, Saki arrived alongside Hina.
'Hello, Di-ran.' Hina waved.
'Hello.'
Behind her…
'Today, you will address me as Young Master Saki.'
Hina walked to my side.
'Sorry, I tried to stop her, but I couldn't.'
'Don't need to apologise. We have one on our side.' I pointed to Eri.
Eri and Saki approached, fans snapping open.
'Finally, someone worthy of me!' Saki said.
'Worthy is quite the strong word. But you'll do.'
They bowed.
'I am Young Master Saki.'
'I am Young Master Eri.'
They just unlocked co-op mode.
*Beep. Beep.*
An eight-seater car pulled up.
'Good morning, boss.' Mamoru leaned out.
'Good morning, Mamoru.'
'And good morning to you all too.' He nodded to the girls.
Kasumi and Hina greeted him normally.
'It is Young Master to you.'
Both fans pointed at him like loaded weapons.
Mamoru glanced at me.
I nodded.
'Good morning, Young Masters.'
They both smiled and nodded.
We hopped in the car. I sat in the front while Kasumi sat next to Eri, and Saki sat next to Hina.
'All buckled up?' Mamoru asked.
'Yeah,' we all responded.
'Then off we go.'
The ride was loud. It always is when those two share oxygen.
'Imagine walking towards your destination.' Saki scoffed.
'Saki… you walk to school,' Hina said.
'Hey, beauty,' Eri said.
'Yeah?' She slightly tilted her head.
'You have… wait, I forgot.' Eri quickly pulled out her phone and scrolled through it.
'Ah yes.' She put it away. 'Your skin is like snow. Acceptable. You may remain.'
'Umm… thanks?'
'Hey! That was my compliment! Return it immediately!' Saki shouted from the back seat.
'Heh. Too slow. I guess Young Master Saki isn't that impressive.'
'Fine.'
Saki pulled out her phone and began scrolling.
'Hey, my cold beauty.'
'… Yes?' She looked tired.
'Your legs… your presence… quite refined. If you were to…' She scrolled down. 'wear stockings, it would elevate your entire aura.'
I sighed.
'Those two are quite something, boss.'
'Tell me about it. I have no clue why they decided to roleplay some Chinese young masters.'
'In my opinion, they should've gone with cultivators. They're pretty popular these days.'
I froze.
That was the moment things started to go wrong.
'Don't give them any ideas, Mamoru.'
Too late.
They heard it.
'Why didn't I think of that?!' Saki gasped.
'Heh. I actually thought of that.' Eri adjusted her glasses.
Great. Now they're evolving.
———————————————
A long, long time ago, two cultivators stood at the peak of the world.
Saki, the righteous sect leader.
Eri, the demonic sect leader.
'Today will mark your end, you demon!'
'Heh. You've said that many times already.'
They fought for days.
Then weeks.
Then… scheduling conflicts.
So they stopped.
Neither could win.
So they trained. Day and night. Staring at the same horizon, refusing to blink first.
Until one day…
They both reached the threshold of immortality.
'Once I ascend, I'll descend just to kill you!'
'Bold of you to assume you'll get there first.'
The heavens answered.
Lightning struck.
Thunder roared.
They both failed their tribulations.
And died.
…
But fate wasn't done with them.
They were reincarnated into a world with low qi density.
A cruel realm known as…
'Earth,' Eri said gravely.
'A land where spiritual energy is almost nonexistent…' Saki narrowed her eyes. 'And rent is high.'
'Can they reclaim their former glory?' Eri nudged her glasses.
'Can they ascend once more?' Saki raised her fan.
They both looked at us.
'Find out next time on Path to Immortality on Earth.'
'…'
'So, what did you all think of our origin story?'
'I liked it.' Kasumi nodded with a smile.
Hina shook her head. 'You wasted all your creativity on this…'
'So was it good, Hina?' Saki hugged her legs, looking up with puppy eyes.
'Yes… it was okay.'
'Yay!'
Saki bounced up and down like she'd just won the tournament arc.
Mamoru had dropped us off, and that was when their delusions fully manifested.
It didn't help that both Kasumi and Hina encouraged it.
'So are we going to the amusement park, or making our own?' I asked.
'How dare you address this honourable one so casually!' Saki snapped.
'It seems a mortal like you doesn't know his place,' Eri added.
I just stared at them as they started casting… something.
Saki stepped forward, one hand behind her back, the other raised to the heavens.
'Heaven and earth… bear witness!'
Eri adjusted her glasses as the wind blew through her hair.
'I will show you the might of the superior path.'
'No! I'll prove the righteous path is clearly superior by taking down this villain!'
A plastic bag rolled past us.
'Take this!' Saki slashed the air. 'Flying sword attack!'
Nothing happened.
'Heh. Of course.' Eri stepped in. 'Take this superior attack, Demonic Claw!'
Also nothing.
I felt a light breeze.
'GHK—!' Saki staggered back, clutching her chest. 'Such… terrifying power!'
'You forced my hand.' Eri narrowed her eyes. 'I only used 1% of my strength.'
Saki coughed into her sleeves. 'I only use 0.5% of my power.'
'Oops, I think I said 1%, it was supposed to be 0.1%.'
'0.001%!' Saki declared.
They both paused and looked at me.
'Can you handle more of our power, mortal?' Saki asked.
'No.' Eri answered for me. 'I'll keep my strength at 0.000001%.'
How considerate.
'Die!'
'Perish!'
'…'
I stood there.
'GAAAH!' Saki screamed.
'Tch… stronger than I anticipated…' Eri gritted her teeth.
A couple walked past us.
We made eye contact.
I lost.
'Time to claim my victory!' Saki shouted.
'Pathetic. To think you can beat me.'
'Then let's both attack and settle it!'
'Very well. Try to keep up.'
They launched into what they apparently considered an attack.
They both leaned in, committed, and immediately regretted it.
*Thud.*
'It seems you get to live another day, mortal…' Saki wiped imaginary blood from her mouth.
'Heh… don't misunderstand… I simply allowed it.' Eri lifted her glasses.
They stayed there for a few seconds.
Then stood up as if nothing had happened.
'Can we go now?' I asked.
'Hmph. A mortal dares command us.' They scoffed. 'Not even fate can.'
They walked towards the amusement park.
I looked at Hina and Kasumi. 'Don't tell me you two liked that.'
'I thought it was funny.' Kasumi giggled.
'I mean… Saki has a unique way of storytelling,' Hina said.
I might be the only normal one left here.
Wait…
Then that makes me not normal.
'Loosen up old man,' Hina said. 'Or did your facial muscles retire?'
'Pfff—' Kasumi covered her mouth.
I watched them walk ahead.
I sighed.
Two disasters.
Two enablers.
And me.
Outnumbered.
And somehow, I knew this was only the beginning.