The loud, fast beeping of medical alarms pulls Aidyn from his sleep.
Healers and Specialist Robyn crowd around the bed next to him where Noelle thrashes and sobs, her breathing rapid and shallow.
She's having another anxiety attack.
Even if Aidyn could sense her emotions clearly, he wouldn't need an Emotion Bond to recognize it. His team's extensive training with healers from St. Holly's, Embermoore's largest mental health hospital, makes identifying Noelle's symptoms easy.
This is Noelle's fifth anxiety attack in as many days, although Aidyn was too medicated to wake up for the first few. He hates seeing her struggle so much, especially knowing he's a part of the reason. Surely there's something he can do to help.
Aidyn examines their bond. Right now, he senses emotions gushing in from Noelle's end of their emotional landscape. They've kept their emotions completely separate for the last two weeks, to minimize the amount of data her magic has to filter. Aidyn isn't a Memorizer, though. He isn't at risk for Overload if he pulls some of what he assumes is her anxiety into his side. Just for a little bit. Just to help her regulate her breathing.
Aidyn tries to move towards her side of their bond, but stops when all that does is start pushing his emotions towards her end too. That's the opposite of what he wants to happen. He tries again, this time pulling his emotions backwards, away from the center point where their separate landscapes meet. As he pulls back his own emotions, a space opens up on his side, allowing Noelle's emotions to immediately start filling it.
He feels pressure build on his side as her emotions add to his own. Aidyn grits his teeth at the added tension of what he can now tell is a murky mixture of fear and grief. Thankfully, Aidyn doesn't need to take on much before Noelle's breathing starts to slow. As she calms, the emotions pouring into her end of the bond slow as well.
Suddenly, Noelle inhales sharply and her eyes widen with recognition. She glares at Aidyn between the healers separating them. "Give my feelings back!"
He meets her stare but keeps his expression and voice light. "No."
Noelle gives a frustrated huff and blushes the way she does whenever she's flustered.
"I'll return your emotions to your side after you've fully regulated your breathing."
When she looks away, Aidyn notices tears start streaming down the side of her face again.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks gently.
Noelle shakes her head and locks her eyes onto the ceiling.
"Are you sure? We have to talk at some point, you know."
The muscles in Noelle's jaw clench.
Aidyn holds in a sigh. They really do need to talk. There's a lot to discuss, but they've been avoiding any deeper conversations. Having a Love Bond with her feels awkward and uncomfortable to him, and Noelle seems afraid of it for reasons he doesn't really understand—because they haven't talked.
How can he make this easier? Talking used to come naturally between them… maybe it would help if they shift back into a dynamic they're both more comfortable with.
"Noelle, we don't have to talk as Love Bonded people. We can talk team leader to teammate if that would help."
Some of the tension in Noelle's body loosens at this suggestion. She wipes tears from her eyes and looks around the crowded room. "There are too many people."
Aidyn sits up in his bed, wincing at the increased throbbing in his head, and addresses their healers and guards. "Noelle and I need to have a private conversation. Everyone, please step out of the room for a bit. Jonnsonn, please leave the door ajar so you can hear if I call out."
Noelle wipes away more tears as everyone files out.
When it's just the two of them, Aidyn slowly turns towards Noelle, careful not to jostle his pounding head too much. "Alright Allendale, this is just a normal conversation between a team lead and his teammate. Nothing more, nothing less. I've seen you cry before, and you've seen me with the back of my pants ripped straight down the middle from that Blazing curse of a sparring session gone wrong. You don't have to hold back. Tell me what's going on in that magical brain of yours."
Noelle gives a reluctant laugh at his mention of the pant-splitting incident before breaking down into tears again.
He lets her cry without pressing for words. Meeting people where they're at is a part of being a good leader. She'll talk when she's ready.
When Noelle does eventually start talking, it comes out in a flood of words and tears that matches the state of her emotional landscape.
"Obviously I'm happy and relieved you are alive, and didn't die, and that we were able to figure out how to save you in time, but I never wanted to have a Love Bond again. It doesn't mix well with my magic. Last time—"
A sob cuts her off and it takes a moment for her to regain enough composure to continue.
"Let's just say, last time it didn't go well for a variety of reasons. This last year I've been so excited to get to really dive in and explore my magic without a Love Bond getting in the way. That's what you hired me for, after all! You wanted me in your team for my magic. Sharing magic is the whole point of a Team Bond, and it was going so well, and I was helping so much, but now I can't! I can't maintain all the systems I spent the last year constructing for us and maintain a Love Bond. So you're all stuck with me and my now-limited magic until my contract runs out and automatically Releases me in two years. And you are also stuck with me as Love Bond partner, possibly forever.
"I don't want to get kicked off of the team, and I don't want to go to prison for forming an unsanctioned bond, and I don't want you to feel like I'm prying into your private feelings either, but because of my magic, I can't help seeing all of it! So I'm trying to figure out how to redesign my old Love Bond Systems—also so storing personal data about you isn't a security risk, because I know that's going to come up in this investigation, because it came up in the other investigation I was a part of. So I've been working on gathering up data and reports to prepare, and I accidentally saw the data from The Library, from the conversation you had with the team after you woke up. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, but I saw it, and I'm so so sorry that in forming a Love Bond with you, I stole a future from you that you really wanted! I never wanted that for you. I don't want you to suffer because of me, so I'm just really sorry!"
With that, Noelle flips onto her stomach and cries bitterly into her pillow.
Aidyn blinks, giving himself a moment to take in Noelle's barrage of information. Thankfully, he's used to her expansive communication style by now. He quickly goes over a mental list of all the concerns she brought up. It's a long list. No wonder Noelle is having so many anxiety attacks!
He takes a deep breath. What should he address first?
"Noelle?"
Noelle continues to cry into her pillow without responding.
He tries again. "Noelle?"
She takes a shuddering breath and flops over onto her side, pulling a pillow with her. She wraps her arms around the pillow and hides her face behind it, forming a fluffy, tear-soaked shield between the two of them.
"Allendale, please look at me?"
The pillow shifts just enough to expose her puffy eyes.
"First of all," he tilts his head slightly to see her better, "the truth is, you didn't steal my future. You gave the future back to me. If we wouldn't have bonded, I would have died and had zero futures. Instead, because of you, there are now many futures I can pursue. Thank you. Thank you for saving my life by bonding with me. I mean it."
He pauses, giving his first response time to sink in. When she nods, he continues. "I'm sorry you saw that memory from The Library. I can tell it hurt to hear what I said, and I'm sorry about that too. I was processing a lot, and it got real messy, real fast. That isn't a memory I ever intended you to see, although I understand how it happened. I don't blame you, and I'm not mad. Okay?"
Noelle nods again from behind her pillow shield.
"As for your place on the team, two years is a long time for us to adjust to our new situation. We've always prioritized balancing the needs of the group with the needs of each individual. That isn't going to change. You are not in this alone. You've proven that you've got my back. Give me a chance to prove I've got yours."
He raises his eyebrows at her, asking for acknowledgment. When she nods again, he continues.
"That said, even if for some reason it doesn't work out for you to renew your Team Bond with us at the end of your contract, we'll still have our Love Bond. I'm not going anywhere. You're the one who's stuck with me, even if you manage to escape my team."
More nods, along with a small laugh, come from behind the pillow.
"That leaves the investigation. Absolutely no one on our team is going to prison long-term. I will not allow it. As much as I complain to all of you about certain aspects of my royal obligations and duties, and how much I hate most of the power dynamics, I will use that power to protect all of you. You should have seen the hoops I had the King's Army jumping through those first few days after we bonded."
Aidyn looks Noelle straight in the eyes. "I always protect my team. I always protect my bonds. And I'm generally very good at both—two unexplained bond breaks in a single day aside, of course."
His lips quirk into a lopsided smile when Noelle laughs again.
"Thank you." She sighs and rolls over onto her back, letting her shield become a pillow again. "I feel a bit better getting all that out."
"Are you ready to take your emotions back?" he asks.
"Yeah… Thanks for holding them for a little while. It helped."
Aidyn slowly releases his emotions back towards the center of their bond, returning Noelle's emotions to her side. It's noticeably calmer over there now than it was before they talked.
Noelle turns her head to face him. "Is there anything you need to talk about? You let me word vomit all over you. It's only fair you get a chance to do the same."
Aidyn thinks about it for a moment before replying. Noelle opened herself up to him about her fears and anxieties. He doesn't mind sharing some of his with her. Despite his mother's worries, Noelle has had access to his feelings for over two weeks now and hasn't once tried to take advantage of it. Aidyn isn't surprised. He has always trusted Noelle.
"I miss my brother," he admits. "It hurts to feel so far away from Erron and know it could be a whole year before our receptors heal enough to form a new Mental Bond with each other."
Noelle shifts on her bed to more comfortably see him while he talks.
"We've had a Mental Bond since before the networks existed. I was thirteen and he was fifteen. It was a big deal. Except for Love Bonds, the royal family doesn't historically use their bonds for personal relationships. Our magic is usually reserved for the Good of the Realm."
Aidyn doesn't even try to keep the bitterness out of his voice at that last bit. He's in too much pain to care if he sounds like a Good Prince or not.
"Anyway, my parents wanted to change that. They wanted their kids to have at least one bond from the start that was personal, not just political. So, when our bond receptors fully matured, our parents let my sister and I form Mental Bonds with our older siblings: Erron and me, and Bellana and Dyane."
Noelle's forehead scrunches together like it does whenever she's considering something she finds particularly intriguing. She looks like she wants to ask something but changes her mind. Instead she gives him a small but kind smile.
"I'm sorry you lost something so important to you," she whispers. "I also know how much it hurts to feel all that empty space in your head, from where your Mental Bond used to connect with your brother. I'm sorry you are experiencing that."
That's right. A Mental Bond was one of the three that broke when Collan died.
"Does it go away?" he asks.
"The emptiness or the pain?"
Blazing Networks of Hellfire. How can someone who usually struggles to summarize information also manage to be so direct?
"Either? Both?" he answers.
Noelle shrugs apologetically. "Not really for me, but since you aren't a Memorizer, you'll eventually forget how much it hurts. And if you're planning on reforming your Mental Bond with the same person, it might reconnect in the same place as before."
"What do you mean?"
"My Mental Bond with Mil-Net feels different than the one I had with my… Captain Jaycobs. It's like the new connection formed in a different place in the Magical Realm. When I reach out for this Mental Bond, I still catch myself reaching for it in the spot my old one used to be." She laughs, although the sound carries a certain sadness to it.
Aidyn doubts her magic actually lets her forget where her new bond connects, but it's nice of her to try to comfort him. Instead, he finds himself thinking about Collan. Even after years of interacting with him at school, Aidyn never really liked the guy. He learned to set aside his feelings about that though. Noelle's magic picks up on more than Aidyn can, so if she saw enough good in him to fall in love, then who is Aidyn to question her?
In this moment, he simply wonders why Noelle always refers to Collan by his formal title. Is it just the way her magic and personality mixes together, or is she using his title to distance herself from the pain of losing him? Or is it something else entirely? Aidyn is tempted to ask if she still loves him, but doesn't think they're close enough yet to warrant that kind of vulnerability. This is their first heart-to-heart as a Love Bonded pair, after all. Instead he says something that's hopefully less invasive.
"I'm sorry you lost Collan."
Noelle closes her eyes and rolls onto her back again. "I'm not ready to talk about him with you, if you don't mind."
Wincing, Aidyn apologizes.
"We can talk about him eventually," she adds quickly. "I just don't want to talk about him yet. Adding a Love Bond to our friendship is messy enough."
They both chuckle at the truth of that statement, and Aidyn perks up at her mention of friendship.
"So, we're still friends then?" he asks, revealing an insecurity he's been wallowing in since they bonded.
Noelle turns back towards him. Her forehead wrinkles in concern when she sees the worry he can't hide from his face. "Why would you think we aren't friends?"
"When you don't avoid saying my name completely, you've started calling me by my titles again."
Noelle blinks at him, her brow furrowing even deeper. "A lot of my data is going to be used as evidence in the investigation. They started requesting reports while I was still down in the holding cell."
"What does that have to do with what you call me?"
"I'm using your titles again, even in my thoughts, to avoid getting into more trouble! I started as soon as I realized a Love Bond was your only option for survival."
Aidyn barks out a laugh, his first full, real laugh since his bonds broke. "You've been calling me 'Prince' and 'Your Highness' because you're worried about breaking rules?"
She blushes deeper, flustered by his continued laughter. "What?! I broke a HUGE rule by bonding with you without permission. I don't want to make it worse by coming across as disrespectful!"
"So you don't hate me?" he asks, feeling relieved.
"No! I literally just formed a Love Bond with you. How could you think that?"
"I don't know, you know I hate it when people I'm close to use my titles. I thought maybe being forced into a Love Bond with me ruined the friendship we've built up again over the last year, and you were using my titles to tell me that."
Now it's Noelle's turn to laugh. "And Emmett says I'm the one who overthinks things."
"See? This is why talking is good."
Noelle laughs louder.
Aidyn likes hearing her laugh. He likes hearing himself laugh again too.
"So we're still friends then?"
"YES, we're still friends."
"Are you sure?" he asks one more time.
Noelle launches a pillow across the space between their bed, smacking him in the shoulder with it. "See? That proves it. I'd never hit a prince with a pillow."
"Ew. This pillow is covered in snot."
Noelle catapults her second pillow into his head.
"Rude!" He rubs his head, wincing, but sniffs at her like a particular stuffy officer in their quarterly Command meetings.
She cackles. "Give me those pillows back. These beds are uncomfortable without them."
Aidyn tosses Noelle her pillows, feeling better than he has since this whole ordeal started.
Noelle rearranges her pillows and attempts to find a comfortable position on her bed. Her smile shrinks after a few seconds. "I know you wanted more than friendship from a Love Bond, and I've already mentioned I didn't want another Love Bond period, but I'll take friendship any day over… a lot of things…"
The way she says it makes it feel like a question, like she's checking to see if he'll accept her as his Love Bond partner even if romance isn't a part of it.
"Me too," he says with a soft smile. A big part of him still aches for romance within a Love Bond, but friendship as a basis is much better than duty. "I'm honored to be your friend and bond partner."
Noelle releases a shaky breath and smiles warmly. "I feel the same for you. And thanks for encouraging me to talk. You can let people come back in now." She glances to the door. "You look like you could use some more pain meds. Sorry I hit your head with my pillow. My aim isn't great."
He shrugs. "I need to start weaning off of the meds soon anyway. I can't take medication forever."
"Sure, but it's barely been two and a half weeks. I say, take the medication while they're still offering it. Once you're discharged, that stuff is harder to come by."
"Not for a prince," he jokes.
"Don't make me throw my pillows at you again! I just got comfortable."
They lapse into companionable silence as guards take up familiar positions, and healers start administering doses of medication.
"Hey," Noelle whispers.
"Hey what?"
"If you don't want me to use your titles anymore, I need you to formally issue a statement."
"For the Love of His Majesty's Pantaloons, Allendale!" He smacks her with one of his own pillows, narrowly avoiding hitting a healer.
"That's a good one," she says, snickering at his ridiculous swear. "But seriously, I'm not kidding. I need it on the record. I'm already in sooo much trouble."
He throws up his hands. "You poor, anxious little mage. Fine."
Aidyn clears his throat and in an overly dramatic voice declares: "I, Prince Aidyn Bryann of Embermoore, sixth in line for the throne, Grand Commander of Mages in the King's Army, winner of the Army's Best Absurd Swear for six years running, and Favorite Royal Uncle in the realm, hereby give permission to Mage Noelle Allendale, Team Bond member and Love Bond partner of said Prince of Embermoore, to refer to His Royal Highness by any name she so desires—be it Aidyn or Split Pants or anything else—as long as she doesn't include formal titles, ever, from now until the end of time. So be it!"
Noelle, who'd been struggling not to laugh as his declaration became more and more outlandish, absolutely loses it at the Split Pants nickname Brehanna gave him.
"Don't laugh, Noelle," Aidyn says, not breaking from his dramatic voice, "or the Grand Magistrate won't accept this memory as admissible in court!"
Noelle snorts, making them both collapse into giggles.
Aidyn smiles, both at Noelle and at the fact that for the first time something other than pain floods into his emotional landscape. Maybe there are futures ahead of him that still contain an abundance of love, even if its a different type than he originally hoped for.
"We're getting loopy. How much medication are they giving us?" Noelle laughs, clutching a cramp in her side.
Aidyn chuckles and rubs his still throbbing head. "Not nearly enough."