IN THE HALL on Mount Jiao, a single candle burned. Nangong Liu was curled up beside the seat on the dais, snoring away. A few half-eaten tangerines lay by his hand.
A slender figure appeared in the corner of the hall, his shadow passing over Nangong Liu as he walked toward the dais. His steps were slow and deliberate, and he tapped the ground before him with a cane. Above the delicate bridge of his nose, a strip of snow-white silk concealed his eyes completely.
"Mngh…" The rap of the cane against the stones woke Nangong Liu, who rubbed his eyes in befuddlement. "Ah, it's dear friend-gege… What happened to your eyes?"
The newcomer was the blinded Shi Mei, rarely seen since his injury.
"Didn't you go to Tianyin Pavilion?" Nangong Liu asked, still sleepy.
Shi Mei shook his head. "It's a long story. I'll spare you the details." He paused. "A-Liu, I believe I left a battle scroll for the Zhenlong Chess Formation on the table. Can you find it for me?"
"Of course." Nangong Liu immediately began rummaging through the items on the table and quickly drew out a silk scroll. "Here you go."
"Thank you very much."
Shi Mei's slender fingers moved slowly over the silk's surface. He could no longer see what was written, but as a safeguard, such scrolls were also designed to be read using spiritual energy. He stood in the silent hall, slowly poring over the scroll's contents.
This scroll contained Hua Binan's plans for the pawns he'd deployed to attack Sisheng Peak and force Mo Ran to shatter his own core. Among them were forty-six thousand inhabitants of Rainbell Isle in the past lifetime, thirteen thousand commoners from Wubei Temple, so on and so forth—and every single one of Sisheng Peak's disciples from that other world.
Shi Mei gripped the smooth fabric, feeling strangely numb. One thought flickered through his mind: When his other self spoke of necessary sacrifices, had he been referring to carnage on such a vast scale? All of Sisheng Peak's disciples, with the sole exception of Xue Meng, had been made into Zhenlong chess pieces to do Emperor Taxian-jun's bidding.
Hua Binan had once gently explained it to him thus: "You must know that I, too, have grown accustomed to witnessing death. The mortal realm is full of suffering—of course I wish we didn't have to commit evil. I hope the path we've chosen will bring about as few deaths as possible. It would eat at my conscience otherwise."
These were the words Hua Binan had said to him shortly after he first came into this world through a rift in space and time.
The mortal realm is full of suffering. I wish we didn't have to commit evil, but sometimes we have no other option. I only hope for the least bloodshed.
Such words were consonant with Shi Mei's own worldview. He was ruthless and unforgiving, but not necessarily because he wished to be; rather, he'd never been given a choice.
It would eat at my conscience… Hua Binan had said this to him in all earnestness, when in truth he'd already slaughtered so many in his own world. It wasn't until now that Shi Mei understood the magnitude of this lie.
"Dear friend-gege, are—are you okay?" Through the buzzing in his ears, Shi Mei vaguely heard Nangong Liu. "You look very pale… Why are you shaking? Are…are you getting sick? Are you cold?"
As Nangong Liu babbled, Shi Mei abruptly felt himself engulfed in warmth. Nangong Liu had taken off his outer robe and hastily draped it over Shi Mei's shoulders. "Here—I'm not cold. You can have my robe."
This once-sly schemer had become so innocent after losing his mind. Perhaps everyone possessed genuine sympathy for others as a child. But the passage of time wore deep furrows into their hearts to match those on their faces, until they no longer resembled themselves.
Shi Mei drew Nangong Liu's robe around himself. He did feel cold, to the very marrow of his bones. His head spun, and tears of blood seeped from beneath the white fabric. Shi Mei crumpled onto the seat, curling into a ball. "He's not me…" Shi Mei muttered. "He's not me…"
Nangong Liu was perplexed. "What?"
Shi Mei hid his face in the crook of his arm. The tremors that had started at his fingertips spread to his entire body. He refused to touch the silk scroll again, letting it roll off the chair. "I wanted to save people. I knew we'd have to make sacrifices along the way; I knew we'd make hard choices, that we'd betray those who treated us with sincerity. I've already accepted that there's no turning back from what I've done. When we discussed the possibility of losing my eyes, I never hesitated. But I…"
"Dear friend-gege…" Nangong Liu placed a tentative hand on Shi Mei's head, offering him a child's clumsy comfort.
Shi Mei's voice broke on a sob. "But I never knew he killed so many people."
The silk scroll had fallen to the ground. Written upon it were the fates of thousands of cultivators and commoners from that other universe—all reduced to bones.
Time dripped by. Nangong Liu crouched next to Shi Mei, at a loss for what to do. Eventually, Shi Mei braced a hand against the table and slowly pushed himself to his feet.
"Where are you going?" Nangong Liu exclaimed.
Shi Mei stood in silence, seeming to hesitate. Only after Nangong Liu repeated his question for a third time did he snap back to reality. He bit his lip, then answered, "The secret chamber."
He couldn't continue blundering along this path. He needed to rescue his shizun.
Having made his decision, Shi Mei quickly arrived at the chamber's door. He placed a hand on the stone only to discover that Hua Binan had left an unbelievably complex ward. Shi Mei stilled in surprise, and the corners of his mouth lifted in a rueful smile.
From the battle scroll to this ward on the door—it seemed he'd been taken for a fool. No one else could be the target of such a spell. It was a type of ward Shi Mei would have no obvious reason to know. Hua Binan didn't trust him.
"Sorry to disappoint you," Shi Mei said softly. A pale blue light flared in his palm and flew toward the center of the array. "Perhaps you hadn't yet learned this technique at my age. But I have—you simply didn't know it."
The door to the chamber sprang open with a thunderous crash.
Given the chance to live one's life once more from the beginning, would anyone take the exact same path? Even if they were the same person, perhaps with a single small change—if they'd sought shelter from a rainstorm in the spring, for example, or enjoyed a nap beneath a tree in the summer—everything might unfold differently.
Shi Mei hovered on the threshold for a long time. At last, he stepped lightly into the room.
An everbright lantern spangled with dragon motifs flooded the space with radiance. Unfortunately the light was of no use to either of the room's occupants. One was unconscious, and the other was blind.
Shi Mei sat down by Chu Wanning's bedside and reached out, his slender fingers brushing over Chu Wanning's face. "Shizun…" he murmured.
Chu Wanning did not stir. His cheek was still feverish. His fractured souls were melding together, and in the process, he was receiving bits and pieces of Mo Ran's memories, submerging him in tormented dreams.
A glow appeared at Shi Mei's fingertip. He tapped Chu Wanning's brow, sending a stream of spiritual energy, soft as water, into his body. "Are you feeling any better?"
There was no answer.
Shi Mei lowered his face. He'd known Chu Wanning couldn't be woken, or he wouldn't have had the courage to come into this chamber and sit beside this bed. He sat unmoving, as though thinking many thoughts. Or perhaps he was thinking nothing at all.
For as long as Shi Mei could remember—since before he became Chu Wanning's disciple—he'd held one dearest wish in his heart. For the sake of realizing this wish, no sacrifice would be too great. He knew that to do so would be his destiny, so he'd never thought he'd done anything wrong—until the day a rift opened in time, and his other self wearily stepped out.
Shi Mei saw himself, nearly two decades older.
Forget shock or fear—when he first saw Hua Binan, the youthful Shi Mei had felt, more than anything, a certain queasiness. He had no idea what his other self had endured to become what he was—callous, cunning, volatile, and utterly monomaniacal. Nevertheless, for the sake of their shared goals, he agreed to everything Hua Binan asked of him. He had arrived at where he stood today one step at a time.
Over the years, the two Shi Meis had each played their own parts. The younger Shi Mei remained always at Mo Ran's side, while the mastermind behind the scenes was Shi Mingjing from another lifetime.
Just as Taxian-jun and Mo-zongshi were different people, he and the other Shi Mingjing weren't necessarily the same. On account of their differing experiences, the other Shi Mingjing was more truly the calculating Hanlin the Sage. In contrast, as time wore on, the younger Shi Mei had become merely another shadowy piece on the sage's chessboard.
Shi Mei had once been a merciless, cutthroat youth before Hua Binan had appeared through the Space-Time Gate. But once he and Hua Binan started working together, Hua Binan had repeatedly admonished him to hide his claws and learn to dissemble. When he was younger, Shi Mei once had a huge argument with Hua Binan about this.
"I've had enough," he'd snapped. "How much longer do you want me to put on this act? I'm sick and tired of swallowing my pride and playing nice. Who could keep track of all the lies I've told for your schemes?"
He, Mo Ran, Xue Meng, and Chu Wanning had just returned from Jincheng Lake. Hua Binan hadn't been satisfied with his performance before the Heart-Pluck Willow and had made his displeasure known. He hadn't expected such a vehement reaction from Shi Mei. Hua Binan had paused, taken aback. "I'm just reminding you to be careful. You mustn't reveal anything."
"Easy for you to say." Shi Mei bit his lip. "Have I ever refused you when you told me to check Mo Ran's feelings? Do you know how repulsive it feels to flirt with someone you don't like at all?"
Hua Binan seemed momentarily at a loss for words. At last, he said, "I've experienced everything you have. How can you think I wouldn't know?"
"But I haven't experienced everything you have!"
Met with Hua Binan's silence, Shi Mei pressed on. "Ever since you came to this world, you've lectured me about what's wrong and what's right. Fine—you've seen more than I have. For the sake of our work, I'll listen to you, and I'll give it my all. But, Hua Binan—" Shi Mei's voice was rough with emotion, the rims of his eyes reddening. "You're in no position to criticize me."
It was the first major disagreement Hua Binan had had with his younger self since he'd arrived in this world. His face turned ashen, and he pressed his lips together without a word.
"You failed in your world, so you used the rift Chu Wanning opened to come here," said Shi Mei. "You want to start over. But I'm not your pawn." When Hua Binan said nothing, Shi Mei added, "I'm working with you because we share the same goal."
Hua Binan closed his eyes. "You're being ridiculous. I don't think of you as my pawn."
Shi Mei was still agitated. "Is that so? Ever since you realized Mo Ran was reborn, haven't I done everything according to your instructions? I'm the one who's been keeping an eye on the dormant Flower of Eightfold Sorrows inside him! It's been me all along!"
Hua Binan was silent.
"When he first showed up in Wuchang Town, you rushed me over to pretend to run into him. Then you had me constantly bringing him little snacks, trying to ascertain his feelings. And let's not forget all the ways you told me to drive a wedge between him and Chu Wanning." Shi Mei's unblinking peach-blossom eyes were fixed on Hua Binan's face, which was growing uglier by the minute. "This whole game of pretend makes me sick to my stomach!"
"If I weren't here, you'd be doing these things anyway," Hua Binan said through gritted teeth. "Don't act like I'm forcing your hand. In the past life, I did all the things you're doing right now. Mo Ran is the host of the Flower of Eightfold Sorrows. Only by monitoring his emotions can we track the development of the flower inside him. Did you believe that your grievances were unique?"
Seeing that Shi Mei didn't deny it, Hua Binan continued, "In the past life, I behaved just as you are. I kept on pretending until the Heavenly Rift opened, and I used my death to incite his hatred. Only then did I begin my new life as Hua Binan."
Shi Mei was quiet.
"I had to grin and bear it for so long, yet you're at your limit after just a few months?"
Shi Mei's head shot up. "Do you really not get it? You were fighting for yourself. But what about me?"
Hua Binan hesitated. "There's no difference."
"There is. I'd rather not be told what to do." Shi Mei glared at him for a beat before adding in clipped tones, "Not even by myself from another world."
But it was nigh impossible to do only as his heart desired. After that argument, Shi Mei still had to bow his head to fate, no matter how reluctantly. He was young and inexperienced, but he had no illusions about what it was he ultimately sought. In the end, he continued to compromise with his other self.
All these years he'd dutifully obeyed every order his counterpart gave him, behaving more like a puppet than any Zhenlong chess piece. It would be a lie to say he wasn't fed up with it. But whenever his frustration became too much to bear, he had always told himself, These hardships are nothing in the grand scheme of things.
"When can we end this farce? When will the rift happen?" He pestered Hua Binan constantly with such questions.
And Hua Binan's answer had always come like a carrot dangled in front of a donkey: "Soon. Sooner than in the past life."
Thus Shi Mei waited, day after day, infinitely patient.
Finally, the rift to the ghost realm had opened. He had fully expected to fake his death and gain his freedom, just as he'd done in the past life. It had never occurred to him that Chu Wanning might die in that battle instead.
That night, he and Hua Binan clashed like never before. Behind the sealed door of his room in the disciples' quarters, Shi Mei smashed all the porcelain cups and bowls before him, chest heaving violently.
"Tell me, how am I supposed to stay calm and keep on pretending? Shizun is dead. Was this part of your grand plan?"
Hua Binan's expression was likewise deeply ugly. "How can you blame me for this? If anything, you should blame Mo Ran—he's the one who acted without thinking." His hands clenched into fists on the table, nails sinking into his palms. "He killed Chu Wanning," he snarled, suddenly vicious.
"That's right, it was him." The rims of Shi Mei's eyes were scarlet, but he refused to let his tears fall. Since he was little, his mother had always told him that he must never cry, under any circumstances. Hua Binan was no different. "He's the one who killed Shizun, so don't try and stop me—I'm going to find him and kill him tonight!" Shi Mei said.
Hua Binan's head jerked up. "Are you insane?!"
"Oh?" Breathing harshly, Shi Mei shot Hua Binan a spiteful glare. "You're familiar with the concept of insanity?"
"We must protect Mo Ran at all costs. We must temper him and control him," Hua Binan said through gritted teeth. "This is the crux of everything we do. Put everything else out of your mind."
"See, this is how it always is." Shi Mei laughed derisively, bringing a hand to his forehead. His eyes flashed. "You're Hanlin the Sage—you can make your offerings to Chu-zongshi with the rest of Guyueye; you can disparage Mo Ran as you please. But what about me? Do you hear what you're asking me to do?"
Shi Mei threw himself down into a chair, his eyes filled with undisguised scorn. "The first thing out of your mouth when we met today was an instruction for me to check if the Flower of Eightfold Sorrows in Mo Ran had been completely ruined, or if it could still be salvaged." He looked up slowly, gaze fixing upon Hua Binan's ashen face. "You wanted me to confess to Mo Ran. Under these circumstances?" Shi Mei scoffed softly. "You said I had to prevent Chu Wanning from taking my place in his heart."
His words were sharp as needles, stabbing into both Hua Binan and himself. He let out a humorless laugh. "Between the two of us, who's the insane one?"
Hua Binan shut his eyes, his pupils shifting uneasily under delicate lids. "There was nothing I could do. Because of the sacrifices Chu Wanning made in the past life, Mo Ran's flower is fragile. If it's destroyed completely, it'll be impossible to control Mo Ran when the time comes."
"So you're forcing me to do all your despicable dirty work, is that right?" Shi Mei had run out of patience. He slapped the table and jumped back to his feet. "Shizun is dead… Have you even considered my feelings?"
Hua Binan didn't answer.
"You love him—so shouldn't you know I love him too?" Shi Mei's voice was shaking.
The room was quiet.
At last he sat back down. Shi Mei pressed a palm to his forehead, long lashes trembling beneath his hand. Neither of them spoke for a long while. Outside the window, rain came down in torrents. Lightning and thunder seemed to cleave the world apart, like the primordial chaos breaking open across the sky.
Finally, Hua Binan said softly, "A-Nan, I truly am sorry."
But Shi Mei's response was flat. "Don't call me A-Nan."
Silence.
"You and I are not the same. Call me Shi Mei, or Shi Mingjing."