— Modern AU Parody —
I thought I was playing a dating sim with multiple routes, but it turned out to only have one ending.
—Excerpt from Xue Meng's Mission Failure Report
XUE MENG had reached the second-to-last piece of coconut red bean pudding on the plate. It was delicate work; he slid the plastic spoon along the edge with measured precision, his hand steady. He'd wanted to keep the pudding as pristine as possible, but it'd already been unfortunately tainted by the mango mousse sharing the plate.
He hated mango the same way he hated his job at the Cultivation World Protection Bureau. But what choice did he have? This was the twenty-first century; even stupid sons from cultivator families had to earn a living.
"Mission report, Mr. Xue." A tinny mechanical voice came in through his headphones.
Xue Meng rolled his eyes. Ever since the Space-Time Maintenance Bureau had sent that new guy—Jiang-something—to be their chief, mission reports had become one of his mandatory daily tasks.
He cleared his throat. "This morning I arrived at eight-twenty sharp. Breakfast was takeout from Li-shifu's, pan-fried steamed buns. They were pretty good; you should try them sometime if you get the chance. More importantly, the old guy running the stall is nice and gives great compliments. He calls those sixty-year-old aunties 'li'l lass' without blinking. Anyway, after I finished breakfast I started rubber-stamping—"
This was why Xue Meng despised his job. Yes. Rubber-stamping.
It was a long story, but, in brief, the blame fell on his old man. Xue Meng's dad Xue Zhengyong was the Director of the Office of International Cultivation Affairs, and as the director's precious only son, Xue Meng had been spoiled rotten since before he could walk. Everything he used or ate was specially supplied by the Office of Cultivation. Even his diapers were made from textiles woven by the deep-sea mermaid tribe—guaranteed to be silky, breathable, and rash-free. Cloth diapers like Pampers or Merries? Perish the thought; his parents would never subject their baby boy's bum to such pedestrian brands.
A nepo baby like this obviously had no trouble finding a job. He took a position at the Cultivation World Protection Bureau as soon as he graduated, and the chief had personally come down to welcome him on his first day. At the time, the chief was a man named Nangong Liu. He was a rotund middle-aged man, the kind that'd start sweating if he had to climb even two flights of stairs.
Nangong Liu had solicitously taken little Intern Xue's hand, jowls quivering as he introduced himself. "Aiya, is this Xue Meng? You look just like your dad! I knew you were his flesh and blood the second I clapped eyes on you. So handsome!"
"Thank you, Uncle."
Nangong Liu chuckled. "Your dad and I are old friends; let's not waste time on pleasantries. Come on, Uncle will explain what you'll be doing here."
As a new grad, Xue Meng had been full of grand ambitions; he'd made up his mind to do his own small part in building a better world. "I'm ready to hear it," he said cheerfully. "I'll definitely do my best!"
Would you look at that! What a good, sweet boy—no sign of a trust fund disciple's ego at all.
Chief Nangong gave him a meaningful glance, then his smile disappeared. "Xiao-Xue, the bureau knows you're from a noble cultivation family and excel at everything you try your hand at. Even though you're Director Xue's darling son, we've decided to give you the hardest and most miserable work."
The prospect set Xue Meng alight. "Ever since I was a kid, I've loved a challenge, but nobody ever let me do anything because of my dad." His eyes were sparkling. "Bring it on."
Chief Nangong patted him on the shoulder and gave him a thumbs-up. "An ambitious lad."
"What will I be doing, then?"
Nangong Liu cleared his throat. "Frankly, it's a position no one else in the bureau can handle. It requires patience, sharp judgment, and the ability to think on your feet—thousands of lives rest upon every one of your decisions. Your work will bring hope to countless living things, but your choices may bring doom to others."
His manner was very grave, his eyes shining as if a divine halo was going to begin blazing about his head. "This is hard work that'll put you on the front lines. When you first said you wanted to join the Space-Time Bureau, your dad asked me over and over again to find you a comfortable, easy job—but after one look at your resume, I could see you were a good kid with plenty of ambition. How could I let that youthful passion go to waste? I thought long and hard before assigning you this role."
He prodded Xue Meng on the chest. "Make sure you do right by those thousands of lives."
Xue Meng's eyes welled with tears of respect, so moved was he by this speech. "Chief, thank you for placing your faith in me! Don't listen to what my dad said; I'll give it my all! I'll exceed your expectations!"
Chief Nangong Liu eyed him approvingly. "Do your best!" he said, and away he swept, puffed up with pride.
That day, new grad Xue Meng went home in a state of unrestrained joy. He sneakily went on Taobao CMall and ordered a whole load of things, specifically:
Broken DPS Crispy Fried Chicken [Hanlin Pharmaceuticals Inc.]: Grants a 10× buff to spiritual energy for two hours. Cannot be used during combat.
Back2(ha)Life [Yuheng Inc.]: Ineffective if used when already dead.
Glow [Wubei Temple & Co.]: Lights up your head to illuminate the darkness for your teammates.
Wacktaid [Taxian-jun Pharmaceuticals]: Ends berserker state.
Organic Free-Range Copium [Tanlang Medical]: Only to be used on enemies.
And just like that, new grad Xue Meng was ready for anything his new job could throw at him. That night, he dreamed he'd transmigrated into Cultivation World War II—his heroic sacrifice stopped the black magic on the European front, and as he collapsed to a bolt of mysterious green light, he heard someone screaming Avada Kedavra…
However, the next morning, when Xue Meng marched into the office ready for war, he froze.
"This is my job?!"
The executive assistant, a long-legged and buxom young lady, poured him a cup of tea. "That's right," she said sweetly. "Mr. Xue, this is your job."
Xue Meng stared in disbelief at his desk, taking in the mountains of project proposals on his desk. His jaw slowly dropped.
He picked up the topmost sheet and skimmed its contents. A line of bright red text jumped out at him. The name of the project was extremely long and convoluted—no normal person would understand it at first glance.
Memo on the Accountability and Post-Incident Handling of the Illegal Use of Guyueye Faepig Feed by Mortals from Shandong and Linyi.
Memo on what?
Xue Meng's head was spinning, but he braced himself and read on.
The Drug Control Administration (DCA) has recently received reports of cultivators selling expired Guyueye faepig feed to civilian businessmen through illegal channels. More than eight thousand bags of expired pig feed have entered the market. Pigs from at least thirty farms have consumed this fodder; as of writing this, the number of impacted pigs has reached four hundred and counting. Addressing this is a top priority.
Xue Meng blinked. He flipped to the next page.
Department of Cultivation World (DCW) Livestock Control (LC) moves to purchase all impacted pork and dispose of it.
DCW Mortal Liaison (ML) seconds the motion to purchase all impacted pork and dispose of it, and moves to include the amendment: to arrest all cultivators involved in illegal trade and take them in for questioning.
DCW Public Relations (PR) seconds both motions and proposes to instruct the Cultivation Broadcasting Network to disseminate information on the ongoing handling of the case.
Chair, Panel for Executive Administration of the Case Outline Committee (PEACOC), Cultivation World Protection Bureau (CWPB):
Xue Meng looked up in confusion, jabbing the white space on the paper. "Why's this blank?"
"It's waiting for your stamp of approval," she explained with a practiced smile.
"But I'm not the…" He read from the paper. "Peaco… Chair of the Panel for Executive Administration of the Case Outline Committee for the Cultivation World Protection Bureau."
But when he looked up and met the assistant's kindly eyes, he couldn't help doubting himself. "…Am I?"
The lady produced a nametag for him, seemingly out of thin air. In crisp block letters, it said: CHAIR, PANEL FOR EXECUTIVE ADMINISTRATION OF THE CASE OUTLINE COMMITTEE, CWPB: XUE MENG, right next to Xue Meng's least favorite ID photo. She pinned it on for him, beaming. "Now you are! Congratulations, Panel Chair!"
She handed him two stamps, one with an O and one with an X.
"Use the O if you agree and the X if you don't." She smiled again. "Please begin."
Xue Meng gawped at her like a fish. There was much he wanted to say and many bad words he wanted to use, but he swallowed them all and said in a shaky voice, "Do I have to be the one to make the decision?"
The lady grinned at him. "Of course not. You can just use both."
Xue Meng needed a fainting couch. "And what happens if I do that?"
"It'll be handed off to the chief's executive assistant."
Xue Meng needed an even bigger fainting couch. "Then what use am I?"
"That's why I personally suggest you only use one stamp at a time," the lady said gently.
Xue Meng could think of nothing to say.
As the days passed, Xue Meng realized how clever Nangong Liu had been with his words. This dumbshit job had him stamping X's and O's on different reports all day like a freaking pile driver, so it did indeed require outstanding patience. But the real reason he needed patience wasn't to make peace with this dull and tedious task—it was to keep himself from charging into Nangong Liu's fucking office and snapping off the chief's shriveled dick!
Technically, Chief Nangong hadn't lied to him. He really was deciding the fates of thousands. One could tell just from the report titles:
Request for the Construction of a Broken DPS Crispy Fried Chicken Farm
Special Exemption Application for Pinocchio to Cultivate Human Form
Special Exemption Application for the Little Mermaid to Cultivate Legs
Retired Guyueye Sect Leader (Esteemed Member of the Old Guard) Files for Lifetime Extension: "I truly want to live for another five hundred years."
Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feast Research Committee: Proposal to Call for Volunteers with Butterfly-Boned Ancestry to Donate Sperm in Support of Human–Demon Genetic Engineering Efforts
This was work that decided thousands of fates in a matter of minutes.
Xue Meng picked up his X stamp with a scowl of fury and smacked it down on the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feast proposal. Righteousness filled him; he felt he'd saved countless little lives. Coldly, he appended his remarks. Nobody wants to be jizzed in a cup and put in the fridge. Denied.
He could admit he was simply venting his own frustration—but he hoped this kind of nonsense would annoy the chief enough to get him sent to the front lines. Maybe he'd even be assigned an exorcism mission in the mortal world.
Unfortunately, the chief was not to be swayed. He had no intention of criticizing dear little Committee Chair Xue. Much later, at a party, Xue Meng overheard how his silliness had resulted in the chief's executive assistant, one Miss Ye Wangxi, working until three in the morning for weeks. He could hear the chief's son Nangong Si stomping his feet and slamming the desk from several rooms away. "If you make your daughter-in-law work overtime again, I'll quit tomorrow!"
Xue Meng shrank back in guilt. Once he recovered from his shock, he decided he had to take these reports seriously.
A couple months passed this way. Just as he had finally gotten faster at stamping things and almost forgotten his earlier ambitions, Nangong Liu was ousted for taking fae bribes, losing his cushy role.
A new chief was swiftly instated.
Chief Jiang Xi was cool-headed and efficient, capable of dealing with any task in moments. Even so, it took him over an hour to understand what Xue Meng's job actually was. Chief Jiang really couldn't be blamed for this. Nangong Liu had packaged Xue Meng so prettily that it took Chief Jiang half an age to unwrap all the bows and ruffles, peeling off every piece of frippery only to realize they held nothing but hot air.
In short, Xue Meng's job existed only on paper. Even Xiao-Lizi, who slacked off washing dishes in the cafeteria, had a more meaningful role than he did.
Chief Jiang wasn't the type to let a fake job like this continue. He made up his mind to dissolve this "PEACOC Chair" position and give Xue Meng some useful work to do. For about a week, he studied Xue Meng and brainstormed. Finally, he made his decision.
Which brings this story back to the beginning:
"Mission report, Mr. Xue."
"This morning I arrived at eight-twenty sharp. Breakfast was takeout from Li-shifu's, pan-fried steamed buns. They were pretty good; you should try them sometime if you get the chance. More importantly, the old guy running the stall is nice and gives great compliments. He calls those sixty-year-old aunties 'li'l lass' without blinking. Anyway, after I finished breakfast I started rubber-stamping—"
A crackle came through his headphones as Jiang Xi's audio feed cut in. The mechanical AI voice was replaced by Chief Jiang's even more soulless tones.
"Starting today, you no longer need to do rubber-stamping. Take the rest of the day off and see me in my office first thing tomorrow. I have an important mission for you." Jiang Xi paused, then added flatly, "Bring me an order of Li-shifu's pan-fried steamed buns. Extra vinegar."
Xue Meng sputtered.