Chapter 34
The interior of the car felt smaller than it had ten minutes ago. The hum of the engine was the only thing filling the void left by Raiven's question - a question that threatened to pull a thread on the carefully woven tapestry of Haru's new life.
"No, not really," Haru said, his voice a fraction too tight. He kept his eyes locked on the asphalt of the road ahead, his hands gripping the steering wheel at a perfect ten-and-two. "The memory is… spotty."
Raiven shifted in the passenger seat, the leather creaking under the movement. His voice held a sharp, alarmed edge that Haru hadn't heard before.
"Why? How can you not remember meeting someone?"
Haru swallowed hard, his mind racing through a Rolodex of plausible excuses. He couldn't tell the truth- that the "Haru" who had met Raiven years ago was currently a dormant ghost, replaced by a veteran actor from the 1990s.
"I got into an altercation," Haru lied, the words tasting like copper in his mouth. "I got hit on the head. Some details from are … fuzzy. Medical term is retrograde amnesia, I guess. Or just bad luck."
"When?" Raiven pressed. He was leaning toward the center console now, his gaze burning into the side of Haru's face with an unfamiliar, heavy sense of concern.
"About three months ago," Haru replied, trying to sound casual, as if he were discussing a weather report rather than a traumatic brain injury.
"But you're fine now? Truly?" Raiven's tone was no longer distant; it was the voice of someone who was genuinely afraid of the answer.
"I can do a lot of stuff by myself, Raiven," Haru answered, a flash of Sunghoon's old defensive pride surfacing.
Raiven fell silent, turning his gaze back to the windshield. He seemed to weigh the response, sensing the tension in Haru's hands. He decided not to pry further, assuming that if Haru hadn't volunteered the details of a violent altercation, it must be a memory too painful to exhume. Haru felt a wave of relief wash over him, though it was tempered by the guilt of the deception.
"Wait here," Haru said abruptly, pulling the car over to the curb outside a bright, 24-hour convenience store.
He left Raiven in the car and vanished inside for several minutes. When he returned, he was carrying a plastic bag. He didn't explain the purchase, simply tossing it into the back seat before navigating the car back toward Raiven's luxury high-rise.
When they finally arrived and parked in the sterile, underground garage, the elevator ride up was quiet. Haru watched their reflections in the mirrored walls.
"I'll stay the night," Haru announced, his voice steady even as he avoided eye contact.
Raiven blinked, taken aback by the sudden declaration. He had spent so long pushing people away that someone voluntarily choosing to stay in his orbit felt like a glitch in the system. "Okay," he replied simply.
Inside, he felt a strange, fluttering warmth. The anticipation of having Haru in his space was a sensation he didn't quite know how to categorize.
"Let's order food," Haru said as they entered the penthouse. He leaned against the marble kitchen counter and downed a glass of water as if he'd been trekking through a desert. It was still early afternoon, the sun slanting through the floor-to-ceiling windows.
"Didn't you just eat enough street food to feed a small army?" Raiven asked, perplexed by the man's bottomless appetite.
Haru let out a short, bark-like laugh, disposing of the glass in the sink. "Not for now, genius. For dinner. I like to plan ahead." He wandered into the living room and collapsed onto the massive, minimalist couch.
Raiven followed a few minutes later, having changed into a pair of soft silk lounge pants and a white tee. He sat at the other end of the sectional, watching as Haru flipped through the endless streaming menus on the giant television, searching for something to anchor the afternoon.
"What's your favorite movie?" Haru asked, turning his head to look at Raiven.
Raiven hesitated. "I don't really have one," he admitted, his voice quiet.
Haru's expression softened, a tinge of sadness crossing his features. He bit his lip, regretting the reminder of Raiven's isolated existence.
"Spider-Man, I guess," Raiven interjected quickly, trying to bridge the gap. "I haven't seen the new ones, but Hae-rin talks about them constantly, so they must be okay."
"Spider-Man! a classic. Okay, let's watch that," Haru said, sliding his legs up onto the couch and tucking them under him.
Haru , had bought popcorn at the store, which he had thrown into the microwave. He had placed several cans of soda, and the array of snacks he'd curated on the table . He reached over and hit a button on the wall, closing the heavy black-out blinds and plunging the room into a cozy, artificial twilight.
They settled in. As the movie progressed, they reached the iconic scene where the hero hangs upside down in the rain to kiss the heroine.
"So that's where that's from," Haru mumbled around a mouthful of popcorn.
"What?" Raiven asked, his posture relaxing into the cushions.
The position," Haru said casually. "Se-hee showed me some fan art of her 'ships' drawn in that exact pose. I didn't realize it was a movie reference."
Raiven turned his head, his attention shifting from the CGI action to Haru's profile.
"Ships?"
Yeah. You know—Boy Love, Girl Love... the fandom stuff. Have you heard about that?"
"I've heard it's popular in Thailand," the idol replied, his voice dropping into a thoughtful register. "They have a whole industry for it."
"That's exactly what Se-hee said!" Haru turned toward him, eyes wide with shock.
"Have you ever actually watched one?"
"A BL?" Raiven asked. The casualness with which Haru discussed these topics always puzzled him. In the idol world, such things were discussed in hushed, whispers regarding "queerbaiting" or "scandals." But Haru spoke as if he were discussing the weather. "No, I don't have time."
"Why don't we try one after this?" Haru suggested, reaching for his phone. "Se-hee sent me a list. She says they're good for 'character study' if I ever want to expand my range." He began scrolling through his messages.
Raiven watched him for a long beat before asking the question that had been hovering in the air since the party. "Are you into guys, Haru?"
Haru's thumb stalled on the screen. He lowered the phone, the flickering light of the TV casting blue shadows over his face. The background noise of the movie suddenly felt very far away.
"I don't think so," Haru said, leaning his head back against the headrest in a thoughtful, almost clinical manner.
"What about when you kissed Juno?" Raiven's voice was low, testing the waters.
"I didn't really feel anything," Haru said, then paused. "Besides, there is someone I still like. "Someone from before.
Raiven felt a sharp, sudden sting in his chest- a physical pang of jealousy that he tried to smother before it showed on his face. Normally, he prided himself on his indifference, but with Haru, he wanted to know every chapter of his book.
"Who?" Raiven asked, the word escaping before he could censor it.
"You wouldn't know her," Haru said, his gaze drifting back to the screen.
The "her" in his mind was a ghost from the 90s, a woman who had been his world before his first life ended. To Raiven, it sounded like a high school sweetheart.
"What about you?" Haru asked, turning the tables.
"I don't like anyone right now," Raiven said, his voice cold as he looked away.
"Have you ever even been in a relationship?"
Raiven's body went rigid. He stared at the dark curtains. "Yes. Once. A long time ago." His voice was heavy with a sadness that made the room feel cold. Haru noticed the hardening of Raiven's expression and decided to steer the ship back to safer waters.
"I've had five," Haru said casually, pulling a snack toward him.
"Five?" Raiven's eyebrows shot up.
"Yeah." Haru shrugged. In his head, he was counting his serious relationships as Sunghoon. He didn't believe in casual flings, so each one had been a significant investment of time and heart.
"So why the interest in BL if you're straight?" Raiven asked, his curiosity piqued.
"It's art, isn't it? As an actor, I want to understand every perspective. Plus, I might want to take a queer role one day. I don't want to be one of those actors who does it poorly because they're 'uncomfortable.'"
Raiven nodded slowly. "And you? How is with guys?" Haru asked.
"It's not that different," Raiven said, his voice dropping into a dangerous, smoky register. "Just the positions during sex are different."
Haru's face went from pale to a deep, agonizing red in three seconds flat. He choked on a piece of popcorn.
"How are you an actor if the mere mention of sex makes you blush like a tomato?" Raiven laughed, the sound genuine and rich as he cracked open a can of soda.
"I am not red," Haru defended, whipping his head away.
"Have you ever even had sex, Haru?" Raiven asked, his tone teasing but with an underlying edge of genuine inquiry.
"I told you, I've had relationships!" Haru puffed out his chest.
"Relationships are different from sex." Raiven scoffed.
"I've had s…sex!" Haru snapped. He grabbed Raiven's soda and took a massive, desperate gulp to hide his flustered expression.
Raiven watched him, a slow, predatory smirk spreading across his face. "I look forward to the day you take a 'sex-forward' role. I wonder if you'll just pass out on set."
"I can do it perfectly well," Haru argued, finally meeting Raiven's eyes with a flash of professional pride. "As an actor, it's my job to separate my personal hang-ups from the character's needs. If the script calls for it, I can be whoever I need to be."
Raiven leaned forward, the space between them evaporating. The air in the room suddenly felt thick, charged with the same electricity that had sparked in the VIP lounge.
"Should we find out?" Raiven asked.
Before Haru's brain could process the shift in the atmosphere, Raiven moved. With the agility of a trained dancer, he lunged forward, pinning Haru against the back of the couch. He hovered mere inches away, his hands reaching out to gently take the soda can from Haru's frozen grip and set it on the floor without breaking eye contact.
"Jae-wook!" Haru whispered, his breath hitching.
Raiven's expression was a mix of mischief and something much deeper, much more intense.
He stared up at the idol, his heart drumming a frantic rhythm against his ribs. The movie continued to play in the background, but for Haru, the only world that existed was the heat of the man hovering over him.