Jordan came back to school that week and I watched it happen from a distance. Everyone suddenly wanting to be his friend. Teachers stopping him in the hallway. The whole school pretending they've always been his friend.
Jordan moved through all of it the way he moves through most things. Like it was nothing.
* * *
I had decided during the two weeks I was in the hospital that when I got back to music I wanted it to be freestyles first. No pressure. No production. Just get back to the thing before I started building around it again. That was the plan.
School was the other thing I had to get through and it was exactly as bad as I expected.
Everyone was acting like my friend. People I had never spoken to. People who had people who didn't know me. All of them with that weird energy where they want to be close to me get attention without actually having to do anything to deserve it. I smiled at the right times and kept moving.
Every teacher asked me if I was okay. I said yes every time. By the fifth one I was saying it before they finished the question.
Then I saw Cassie.
She was dressed exactly like Maddy. I mean exactly. The fit, the colors, the way she had done her hair. I looked at her for a second and then I grabbed her arm lightly and pulled her to the side of the hallway.
"Why do you look like this?" I said.
She looked at me and then looked away. She did not want to answer. Then she said, "Why do you care?"
I looked at her for a second. There was a whole conversation available there that I did not have time for in the middle of a school hallway. I said, "Forget it. I want to take you out soon."
She looked back at me. Something shifted in her face. Then she smiled.
"Okay," she said.
That was easy. Easier than I expected. I let go of her arm and kept walking.
Lexi was putting on a play. I found out from a flyer on the bulletin board outside the gym. I looked at it for a second and kept going.
I hate school.
* * *
I was back home on the phone with Savannah when I told her what Gia said.
She listened to the whole thing. Then she said, "Gia is right."
"Really?" I said.
"Really. I already told you the same thing in different words."
"Yeah but Maddy has more sex appeal," I said.
Savannah was quiet for a second. Then: "Is sex appeal worth the drama?"
"They are both drama," I said.
She laughed. "That is fair. But you know what I mean."
I heard the front door. I told Savannah to hold on and came out of my room.
Rue was in the hallway pulling her shoes off.
"What up, sis. You going to that play?"
She laughed a little. "Yeah."
I looked at her. The way she was moving. The way her eyes were sitting in her face. Something was a little off. Not wrong exactly. Just different from her baseline.
"Are you high?" I said.
"No," she said. Too quick.
"Hey. I am the one who is good at lying. You are going to have to do better than that."
She looked at me. Then she said, "It is just weed."
I looked at her for another second. The way she was moving, it was either weed or she had taken a very small amount of something else. I could not tell which. I did not want to push it into a whole thing right now.
"I'll believe you this time," I said. "But if I find out you are lying to me about what you took—"
"I'm not," she said. And she went into her room.
I stood in the hallway for a second. Then I called down the hall.
"Gia."
Gia came out of her room.
"If you notice anything weird with Rue tonight, let me know immediately. Other than that do not bother me, I am making music."
"Okay," she said. Then she looked at me. "But you are on a timer. If you do not take Cassie on a date soon I am calling her over here myself."
I just looked at her and walked into my room.
I closed the door and sat down at the boards and let the day go quiet.
Freestyles first. That was the plan. Just get back to the thing.