The silence inside the car weighed heavily on Mok's mind. He hardly noticed that he was biting his nails until his fingertips turned red.
Kao did not know how to start a conversation either.
Like two birds that had forgotten how to chirp, they sat in absolute quiet, making a half-hour drive feel like days.
The car pulled slowly into the parking area, where the guards stopped them. It took a few minutes extra since it was their first time here.
"Thank you, khap..."
Through the open window, a guard stood holding a stack of papers. He raised his hand and blew his whistle, waving them toward an empty spot.
The engine stopped.
Awkwardly, Mok attempted to speak, parting his lips. "Phi..." His deep, low voice was too quiet for Kao to catch.
Reaching for the small black bag on the back seat, Kao groaned slightly and stretched his back.
Their eyes met for a quiet moment.
Kao gently cradled Mok's face, asking again if anything was wrong.
Mok tilted his head and anxiously bit his lower lip, making Kao's fingers brush over the reddening lip. "Are you scared? Isn't that why I'm here?" Kao murmured, his hand gently smoothing down Mok's wind-messed hair.
"I... I want to..." Mok played anxiously with Kao's shirt button, hiding his face. "I'll tell you later..." He avoided Kao's eyes entirely, hurriedly opening the door to leave the car.
Kao stayed behind, wrapping his own fingers around the very button Mok had just been twisting.
'Something was wrong. Why was Mok avoiding me?'
Every time he mentioned the hospital, Mok acted like this.
Stepping out, Kao tried to clear his thoughts.
...
The main entrance doors slid open automatically to reveal the crowded ground floor. All three counters had long lines, but the third one wasn't moving at all. A young woman stood there asking the same things over and over, her voice starting to break.
"Sir, you need to go back to the ward."
"I don't want to! Give me my discharge papers now!" The old man's shout rang straight into her face, startling her.
"Sir... Why are you talking like this? Your surgery is already scheduled."
"I don't want surgery. I want to go home."
"Aren't you his wife? Please talk to him."
The old woman pulled at him, trying to make him stop as the crowd behind them lost their temper.
"We're all busy!"
"My son has a fever!"
"Go solve your family problems at home..."
The complaints piled up as a group of security guards approached the family.
Several doctors and nurses rushed down from the escalator, their expressions filled with concern.
"Mok... Stay here." Kao grabbed his fingers, blocking him from moving forward into the chaos. But Mok's eyes lit up, and a small smile formed on his face.
From the crowd, someone in a white medical uniform hurried toward them. Her carefully tied hair bounced with each step, and her fingers were covered in ink stains.
"Mok... Why are you here?" She greeted Kao, but her eyes immediately dropped to their joined hands.
Kao released Mok's hand, feeling intimidated. Mok, however, didn't seem to notice.
"I have an appointment with Uncle."
"Pa..." She paused for a second before humming as if she understood the situation. Clearing her throat, her focus shifted toward Kao.
Flustered, Mok tried to cover his embarrassment by introducing them.
"This is P'Kao, my senior."
"Phi, this is Pine. She's my cousin."
"Sawasdee khap." Kao bowed politely.
Pine smiled back before leaning closer to Mok's blushing ear. "Just a senior..." She smirked and playfully nudged Mok's arm.
"Ow!" Mok rubbed the sore spot.
"Mok, are you okay?" Kao stared at Pine with a protective expression, as if asking, 'Did you just hurt him?' But she simply waved her hand as if it were nothing.
[Code Red. Neurology patient No. 175 is having a stroke. Code Red. Emergency response to Room 55.]
"Mok, I'm going!" With another quick pat, Pine bolted away. Her slippers slapped against the floor as she sprinted, her hair quickly becoming damp with sweat.
A few nurses and doctors ran right after her.
Another loudspeaker message cut through the noise, distracting the crowd.
[Reception counter No. 2 is now closing. Please proceed to another counter.]
"Wow... She's really unbelievable," Kao muttered, massaging the exact spot on Mok's arm. "Does it still hurt?"
"I'm okay, Kao. She always does that." Mok glanced toward the counter. "They're on their lunch break. Let me call Uncle and ask if we need to get something from here."
Mok searched his pocket and dialed, but Kao's hand gently stopped him from making the call. "Mok, he must be busy. How about you go sit over there? I'll stay in the queue for you." Kao gave him a thumbs-up, acting like it was no big deal.
Mok almost laughed, but then his phone rang. It was his uncle, telling them to come straight up to his office on the fourth floor.
...
Kao was alone now.
Sitting in a black iron chair, he let his gaze wander around the floor. A small nurse's counter stood in the middle, with recovery wards lining the opposite side. Watching Mok speaking with a nurse in the distance, Kao rested the back of his head against the wall.
He closed his eyes. 'I hate this smell.'
Opening his eyes again, he stared down the hallway, which was strangely quiet compared to downstairs. It brought him back to a place that wasn't this exact hallway, but felt almost identical. A small figure sat with legs locked tight, hiding his head against his knees, while those eyes never stopped shedding tears.
A cold sensation snapped him back to reality.
"Kao... Phi..."
There was no response from him at first.
Mok sat beside him. Kao turned his face toward him, looking quiet, almost lonely.
"Why are you making that expression? It hurts me to see..." Mok murmured, brushing his fingers gently over Kao's eyelids.
Kao hummed and took a deep breath. He stood up so fast that Mok rose right with him. "Mok... How about I wait over there?" Kao pointed toward the counter. "I can't go inside the office with you, right?"
Mok clenched the medical papers tightly in his hands. "Kao..." His voice faltered.
"Actually, I'm okay. Uncle already gave me counseling. Not only me, but Toffee too."
Kao rubbed Mok's shoulder, his eyes lowering. "Then why are we here?"
"You... I..." Mok ran a hand through his hair, sounding stressed.
"Didn't we have an appointment? Didn't you tell me we had one? You didn't..."
"I lied to you."
Kao froze in surprise. "You lied to me?"
Mok gripped Kao's shirt, anxiously trying to hold him back before he could confess what he was actually doing. In the struggle, the papers slipped from his fingers and landed right beside Kao's feet.
Kao's attention was drawn to the pages.
Pushing Mok back lightly, he picked them up and found his own medical details there.
"Conditions of lack of sleep... increased delusions..." His voice became quieter, dropping to a whisper. "A scar identical to one caused by self-harm..." His voice cracked completely.
Kao read the next page, his grip tightening until the papers crinkled in his hands. "Let's go back," he said without facing him.
Mok reached up and clutched Kao's forearm. Hiding his face against his crossed hands, he struggled to breathe.
Silence fell between them as several nurses passed by on their way to the wards.
"Phi... Just once... My uncle is—"
"I don't care." Kao's voice shook violently. "I don't care if your uncle is famous or not. I don't want to... Are you coming?" He began to walk away, slowly erasing the lingering feeling of Mok's touch. "Then stay here."
Mok's heart stopped for a moment.
Before leaving, Kao thrust the papers into Mok's hands. He wasn't yelling, he simply had no words for what he felt.
Both their eyes were red, each fighting to hold back emotions that were tearing them apart.
"Mok... Did you do everything for me because of this? Because of these words written here?"
Mok shook his head desperately, reaching out for Kao's hand.
"Did you pity me?" Even his own question felt empty, like he already knew the answer.
No response came.
Mok stood in shock, unable to even shake his head. Kao pulled his hand away as Mok tried to grasp him again.
"Let go of me."
Terrified, Mok wrapped his hands tightly around Kao's waist from behind. He held on with everything he had, desperate to keep Kao by his side.
"I... I care about you. It's not pity. I..."
"Care..." Kao bit his lip, still refusing to look back. The old voices from his past began to ring loudly in his ears:
'I cared about you...'
'I loved you...'
'How could you do this to your mother?'
'Young master... I'm the only one who cares about you, so eat this. At least you have this to eat. But don't get ahead of yourself. They don't even care.'
Overwhelmed, Kao hurried away, forcefully pushing Mok aside to break the embrace.
"Kao...Phi..." Mok cried out.
Kao stumbled a few steps away, bracing his sweaty hands against the wall to steady himself.
Mok sank heavily onto the chair. His blurred eyes caught the nurse's final note: 'Chances of suicide are high. Admission is advised.' Squeezing his chest, he replayed his mistake, terrified of how he had hurt Kao. He hid his face behind the documents so no one could see him crying.
Mok never noticed those words on the page earlier. The moment he handed the completed form back to the counter, he looked around for Kao, only to find him staring the other way. Worried, he rushed right back.
'I ruined everything...' Mok sobbed. His tears fell onto the documents, smudging the blue ink.
...
Thud!
"Hey, watch where you're going!"
"Is he crazy? This is getting on my nerves."
"Baby, don't make a scene. Let's go."
Kao heard none of it, he didn't even know where he was, losing track of the people he bumped into and the angry words thrown his way.
His lips were dry, desperate for water. Finally, he sat down simply because his legs gave out beneath him.
It was an open balcony, though he had no idea which floor he was on. A small garden lined the space, with stone benches built right into the tile floor. Up this high, the stone felt cold, but the afternoon air was warm—a tiny pocket of peace inside a crowded hospital.
Just a short distance away, a mother and her young son were eating a packed lunch. The boy had a feeding tube in his nose.
"Mae, it's so tasty, but don't make this again."
"Why? You don't like it? Is it too salty?" The mother tasted the food herself, her thin fingers holding the container as she checked what was wrong.
"Mae... Why are you doing this? Don't... Don't do it."
The mother looked confused.
"Isn't it too expensive?"
"No. Who said that? Mae can cook anything you want." She gently caressed her son's cheek. "Mae is happy just seeing that you can eat this."
They continued chatting happily until a nurse approached them and pulled the boy's wheelchair back toward the ward.
"Promise you'll eat your meals on time. I'll come back next week," the mother called out, waving as the nurse smiled and wheeled him away. Left alone, the woman closed her tin lunch box. She started gathering her bags, but the container slipped from her fingers and clattered to the floor.
Kao's empty eyes followed the container. Even though she clearly needed help, he couldn't move an inch—his body was completely frozen. Nearby visitors stepped in to gather the scattered food. The woman rushed toward the counter and then sprinted down the stairs, missing the elevator that had just closed.
"Poor thing. Her husband died last year, and now her son is like this."
Hearing that conversation, Kao gathered the fabric of his pants tightly in his hands. A sharp rustle snapped him out of it. With a spark of hope that Mok had finally tracked him down, he looked over instantly.
But the warmth beside him belonged to someone he didn't know at all. The same elderly man who had made a scene down at the reception counter earlier was now sitting right next to Kao. His hands trembled heavily, but he didn't seem to notice Kao's presence at all.
After some time, his elderly wife came out to the balcony too.
"Dear... Dear..."
Kao tried to stand up to give them space, but the old woman nearly tripped over the threshold. Reaching out, his cold fingers caught her just in time, steadying her until she was safely seated.
"Thank you... Son..." She repeated it several times, her voice breathless.
Her shaky fingers clung to his hand. Smiling softly, she told him that he reminded her of her son. She took a piece of candy from her old bag and held it out to him.
Kao didn't accept it, but she waited patiently with her hand extended until her husband scolded her. Startled by the sound, her fingers loosened, letting the candy slip straight to the floor.
Kao stared down at it.