Raven woke up like a smoldering black wick drowned in half-melted wax. There was a voice, somewhere far away, hauling her name through the ages.
"Raven. Raven— Raven."
The world was ice, and that wasn't a metaphor. Real, cold, blue walls surrounded her, those desecrated walls dripping or stained with blood giving way to the smooth single color, but for patches of glinting white. The edges of her sight swam, like there was something behind what she was seeing. The corners melted and re-formed. The walls, floor and ceiling all melding into one endless glacier. Her breath felt the cold too, still, just a little.
Her eyelids were heavy in a way that didn't feel like sleep, but like she'd taken a boot to the temple, although the pain was blessedly mild, and then faded away. It felt like she and gravity weren't on the same page.
"Why," she managed with only mild impatience, and the word scraped out of her throat like something dragged across stone, "are you yelling?"
She smiled without meaning to. The smile happened first, and her face caught up after, like it was late to its own expression. She felt very warm, and held. It was nice. She almost felt like she'd forgotten what it was like for some reason.
The voice choked.
A hand moved against her. It was shaking, cradled the side of her face as if it had been holding her together by force of will alone.
"Raven," Zuko said again, and it came out wrecked, not sharp. "Spirits, Raven. I thought you—"
His voice broke so hard it made the world tilt. Raven blinked, instantly getting a tiny boost of urgency from his tone alone, but still slow and dreamy, and the blue walls blurred away. The ice wasn't ice anymore. It was… light. Just colors. It was something her brain insisted was more real than whatever she was actually touching, so that touch was just a nice, happy dream she could enjoy. It felt a bit like a vacation, and she was happy to be there.
Zuko's face swam in front of her like a lantern seen through fog. Positively silly. 'What was he all pouty about?' she wondered. It was so cozy in bed, yet there were tears on his cheeks, and he wasn't even pretending they weren't there. There was nothing to cry about there. He hardly ever cried, though, didn't he? She took a deep breath, still blinking away that icy sheen, and figured she should probably make sure he felt better. They both didn't. They were tough together.
"I'm sorry," he said, so fast her heart jerked just a bit. But it just seemed silly again when he rattled off a lightning fast, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't want you to die in there! I just— I just needed you to calm down so we could talk. I didn't think—"
Raven tried to laugh, but it came out as a tiny, broken sound.
"You care about me so much," she croaked, completely genuine, even if a bit imperious still. She got to gloat, in her opinion. "You're so sweet. I'm okay..." she drifted off, honestly feeling fine.
She lifted her hand like the air was thick honey, and flopped it against his cheek in a vague attempt at a caress. She was really tired, apparently...
His skin was hot. Not fever-hot. Firebender-hot. The warmth sank into her palm like it had been waiting there specifically for her. It felt amazing. It was always hard to let go of him. Zuko froze like she'd slapped him. Weirdo. Raven giggled. He looked back like he'd seen a ghost.
"You're being silly," she whispered.
His mouth opened. Closed. Opened again. "You're… you're not mad?" he asked, gentle like a cough could blow her away.
Raven blinked again. The endless haze like an open sky holding over her vision was clearer now, moving fast, the color stronger and the glint brighter and brighter. She just looked to where his voice was coming from, his dumb cute face was somewhere in there, she could tell, and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to blink away whatever primordial uber-sleep had accosted her, apparently.
Zuko's breath hitched. He stared at her like he couldn't decide if he was allowed to touch her again. "Are you… back?" he whispered.
She raised an eyebrow.
"To how you were?"
Raven smiled at him like he'd asked if she wanted dessert. Everything he said made her feel so wanted, he was crazy about her, and she couldn't ever get enough of it. She pushed him gently on the chest with one finger, a ridiculous little poke she blatantly stole from some girl in a silk robe at a party. It wasn't meant for a half-frozen prisoner in the belly of a warship, but that didn't cross her mind at all.
"You're the best," she said, in a tone so girly it was obviously put on, but she still meant it.
Zuko stared in disbelief. His tears kept falling even though she'd cleared up his silly notion. Weirdo. Then, carefully, like he was approaching a wild animal with a broken leg, he asked, "Then… what were you so angry about?" like he was trying very hard not to sound accusatory.
Raven's smile stayed in place, but her eyes drifted to the shifting colors, now volatile and flickering like a sky right up against her face, rushing past. It finally felt like she was really there, like the room and Zuko were real thing now. She tilted her head, genuinely confused.
"Was I angry... at you?" she asked, finally sounding awake.
Zuko swallowed. His throat bobbed hard. He glanced away, then back. His voice dropped into something rougher. "You kept… you kept saying her name."
Raven's blissful smile slowly faded, but she just stared at him.
"Asha," Zuko said, like the words were razor sharp on the way out and he had to be careful. "You kept making a... uh... reeeal big deal about her," and she gave a weird sort of shit-eating smile.
The warmth behind Raven's eyes evaporated. Expression like a curtain fell, closing herself off. The strange
Reality crowded in around her, suffocating and stealing her breath with all the certainty of a very tiny, very cold prison cell.
For half a heartbeat, she had no idea where she was. For the second half, she remembered a cell, cold metal floors, her wrists still hurt. She felt like her life was over, like she'd rather just die than feel that way. Then... Arzaya... why in the world did she show her that. How... did she get in Zuko's bed...? Her heart pounded, anxiety was like a knife in her lungs with her first deep breath. She'd forgotten something absurdly important.
And then, like the knife was ripping it's way back out of her, she heard it. A young, innocent voice so dear to her again, choking on emotion. The near faded away icy-blue sky briefly flashed bright, a burst like fireworks to snap her out of her brief insanity, and was gone. "Please, no! Please stop!" she heard. Her sister, shrieking in terror and panic. So desperate.
Her whole body locked, panic turning her muscles into binding ropes.
Asha.
Asha screaming.
Asha's last words, it hit her, and she breathed out in raspy, low moaning noise as she deflated, her head lolled like she was sick, and her fingers clenched the sheets. A real big deal, huh. She felt like she could melt right through the floor, into the ocean, and boil it away. She had to just sit there and breathe, or she'd just scream and never be able to stop. She twisted to pull away from him, but he was already gone.
Unblinking, she slowly raised her gaze, where she saw his naked back, just a sheet wrapped around his waist where he stood around like he was allowed to just keep existing and doing things how he pleased. Raven's gaze flicked down. His bed. His sheets. What the fuck was going on. He'd thrown her in prison... she was still on the ship, she could feel it rising and falling on the black midnight sea. She also felt another presence, a pulsing forge just beside her.
Arzayanagi.
Of course it was here. Of course it was. The smug son of a bitch had actually just left it there, propped up against the wall like a prize he'd won at a carnival and couldn't decide where to put it. Raven's fingers twitched.
"Uncle, this isn't the best—" Zuko started, too stricken with emotion to raise his voice to anger.
"Nonsense!" Iroh's voice came like a false apology, and she heard the rattling of porcelain. "Fresh hot tea should warm her right up!"
Zuko flinched like he'd sat on a hot coal.
"It's fine, she's awake," he hissed, scrambling, grabbing at the sheet around his waist and yanking it higher, not quite glancing back before barging forward to shove Iroh back in vicarious embarrassment. And he whispered, "she's not mad!"
A delighted and curious Iroh feared no prince, however, and he leaned at a slant to show off a solid two-thirds of a look of disbelief before Zuko forced him into the hall and around the corner.
"She's naked, you crazy old fool!" Zuko snapped, voice cracking on the word. "Get out!"
"Ahhh..." Iroh began as if to apologize, but instead said, "I am not sure if you two should be alone in there!"
Zuko's ears went red enough to qualify as a firebending.
"We didn't—uhh..." he started. He knew he couldn't make that sound believable, and narrowed his eyes like he was a clever boy. "We're not. Doing that." And he flung his hands up, only halfway, before they shot back to grab his sheet of many betrayals. "Who cares?! We're betrothed! You're not my dad!"
Iroh's eyes twinkled like he was the least bit hurt, but he still gave a soft chuckle. "You two are not married yet," Iroh added, the yet placed carefully like bait on a hook. "Not the best time for a scandal, I should remind you."
Zuko made a sound that wasn't a word as his entire body positively blinked red.
"Gah! Stop making it weird!" he bellowed.
The rattle of porcelain came in steady clatters back down the hall, and Zuko just hunched over and breathed, glanced around again, and pulled his sheet tight once more.
Ducking backwards into his cabin and slowly closing the sturdy metal door, he peeked once more to make sure Iroh wasn't lurking as he grumbled, "why'd he think I could give tea her while she's asleep anyway... that's just wrong."
Zuko twisted the door lock closed like he'd get in trouble if anyone heard—not really clear on why, and just breathed out, "okay..." as he turned around to face Raven again with his most surrendering gesture of fingers spread low at his sides.
It took a moment to process what he saw. Raven smiling. Not sweet this time. She was standing there with a posture of 'fuck you and the ship you sailed in on', also swaddled in nothing but a white sheet wrapped carelessly, and even more reckless with... Arzayanagi leveled over her head, as if to throw it like a javelin.
She didn't even remember deciding to. The instant no eyes were on her, she slipped out of bed, smoothing taking the sheet with her, and snagged the thing the overconfident asshole actually just left where she could get to it. He raised his hands ever so slowly, not even tense and cautious but just wide-eyed shock, like he was genuinely surprised she didn't just let it all go after a fuck and a nap in his freezer.
The complex geometry of the golden spearhead glittered in the firelight like it held diamonds between every twist and turn of its metal. They both knew she had him dead to rights. She knew she should have just hit him in the back, but she wanted him to know for sure she's the one that finally put him out of her entire family's misery.
His hands rose, slow. Point-blank as he was, it wouldn't matter what way he dodged. She wasn't even sure she'd be getting out of it unharmed at that close range, but she wasn't going to pass up a chance like that.
"A really big deal," she sneered, teeth bared.
He just blinked, apparently lost somehow. It just made her boil more.
Raven's voice came out low, ragged, full of acid. "In case it wasn't FUCKING clear. This is for killing my sister, you FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!"
Zuko clenched his teeth, reeling back, but his face twisted in confusion as Raven thrust so hard she stumbled forward a step. It was clean. Perfect. She knew the weapon, she'd used it, felt its fire surging just within, and how to get it to obey her. It was finally OVER.
...
It wasn't over.
They both stood there. Both glanced at the spear. He gave her a look like 'if this is a joke you're going back in the freezer', for just an instant, before it melted away to a pained sort of realization.
She gripped it harder, squeezing. She was doing it right, she was sure, but... Arzaya... didn't want him dead? He was just standing there. He wasn't taking advantage of her sudden complication. He should be dashing at her, wrenching it from her grasp, but he just... looked like he was going to cry again.
"Asha's… dead?" his voice cracked.
Raven froze so hard it felt like she might crack too. That was such real emotion in his voice. Zuko wouldn't... he couldn't... he never lied. That wasn't what he was supposed to say. That had to not be Zuko, but it was. That fit absolutely nowhere in the universe.
His fingers trembled as he cautiously lowered his guard, took a step forward, and when he blinked he didn't even hide the tear running down his cheek as he held one hand out to her. Raved stood there, mind obviously racing, and Zuko noticed her glancing at the spear again and again like it was bothering her somehow. Her eyes were wide, than scrutinizing, then wide again. Her mouth slowly opened and she stared at him like he wasn't supposed to be there at all, even in his own room. Like she hadn't seen him in years.
How long... had she been reading confusion as dismissal. Frustration... as cruelty. Raven's grip loosened. The sheet slid off her shoulder, forgotten. The cold air didn't even register. She lowered the spear in slow motion like it was a bomb, but jerking like it was too much to handle. Her eyes blurred, not with sleep now, but with something wet and hot that made her furious on instinct because she did not cry. She couldn't... not until she... but he... he...
Her whole body was shaking, but her lip quivered the most as she let out a breath. Zuko took another half-step forward, face like he was proud of her for lowering the weapon, and she suddenly felt like a fucking idiot. A fucking stupid idiot asshole who had no idea what she was doing at all.
Raven's jaw moved, but the only sound was a completely wrecked, "...fuck..." ending in a croaking barely audible, strangled sigh, and her fingers opened.
Like all the weight upon her went with it, Arzayanagi hit the floor with a hard, ugly clatter that made the whole cabin feel suddenly very watched to her. Raven sank down like her bones had been yanked out. She didn't bother gathering the sheet again, down on the floor with it. She didn't deserve it. Instead, unable to look him in the eye, she scooted backward, blind with moist eyes and pressing them against her pale knees in a curtain of brown hair, and she kept going until her shoulders hit the corner of the room.
There she curled in on herself completely, knees drawn up, face pressed down, hiding like a child. Not from Zuko, really. More like hiding herself away, not to be a bother...
Zuko approached anyway. Slowly. Carefully. Every soft barefoot step closer another pin thrust through her heart, but she was the one holding the damned things. It wasn't that he just wasn't afraid. She could see it in his slow moves even if she couldn't bare to meet his gaze. He didn't know yet, not for sure, that he didn't need to be... not anymore. But how could she even tell him, when she could hardly breathe? She made a choking noise as he crouched beside her.
His hand hovered, then landed on her shoulder.
Warm. Steady. Real. Caring.
"I don't know what's going on," he whispered. His voice broke again, humiliatingly honest. "But I… I just want to make it better."
Raven's breath hitched, another crack in the dam. She looked up at him more, she had the audacity to let herself see his chin, at least. Then up more, inch by inch. Zuko's face was a mess. Tears. Fear. Relief. Confusion. All of it tangled together with the kind of devotion that made Raven want to bite her own tongue off. What the fuck had she done to him... how could he ever...?
He started to speak, and she could see it in him, the way he was about to forgive her automatically, like forgiveness was a reflex. Raven snarled, but the sound came far too thin to be convincing. She couldn't fake it either.
"Don't," she croaked. "Don't you dare just forgive me."
Zuko swallowed hard, blinking. More tears spilled. He didn't wipe them. He barely breathed before he whispered, "but I do." It was so final. So instant. So easy. What was WRONG with him. Why? Why would he? Her entire face twisted as she tried desperately to force it back where it belonged. But the bastard wouldn't give her a speck of scorn, and he said, "I… I just want it to stop, Raven. I forgive you. Please— please just be normal again. Please let this be... real."
Normal.
Real.
He might as well have punched her, choked her, and thrown her overboard... Raven's throat spasmed. There was nothing she could do.
Seeing her pain, his hand softly caressed down her back, and his brown clenched in hopeless hope as he softly asked, "is... is Asha really...?" But the words tasted like blood and bile, and sank back down his throat.
"...she's gone," Raven peeped, eyes glistening, and she finally looked him in the eyes dead on again. "She's... she's really gone."
The dam broke. She didn't sob delicately. You couldn't come back after that long without a mess. She made awful, animal sounds, like her body had been holding this inside for years and was now throwing it up like poison. A hoarse, horrible dying noise wailed out of her as she tilted her head back, stared at nothing and let steaming hot tears rush down her face, but then broke again, a whole second tragedy stabbing from the other side.
"I'm sorry," she choked, and then it turned into a slurry of apologies and self-hate. "I'm so sorry, Zuko. I thought—" and she paused, she didn't need to explain. "I'm a fucking IDIOT!" she shouted.
Zuko didn't flinch, nor recoil, nor tighten the corner of his mouth. He just reached forward, she shook her head like he should not better than to trust her, and he put his arms around her. She wasn't sure what he was doing with his hands wrapping around and under her body, but it's not like she was going to say no to him ever again for the rest of her fucking life. She yelped when suddenly she was airborne. She felt like such a stupid little kid as he lifted her up easily, and she scrunched up like she wasn't allowed to touch him back. Wide-eyed and frozen in place, he took her pale body back to the bed, set her down, and pulled their abandoned sheets back around them both, together in the double layer, as she just whimpered and moaned like a helpless fool. She WAS a fool, at least, that was for sure...
He did all the work, like always, and it just made her feel like even more of a jerk, but she wouldn't have it any other way, and he wrapped them together like a knot on the edge of the bed, like he meant to soothe her with as much contact as possible. Why... did he just. Keep. Forgiving. Her. She didn't think he knew ever. Either way, she'd never find the words he deserved to hear for it. They didn't exist.
Raven cried until her throat burned, and he just held her like he wouldn't dare let a hair on her head slip through the cracks now that he'd found her again. Zuko cried too, of course, just quieter, his tears soaking into her hair until it felt cool, but even that he noticed, wiping them away with the sheet and pulling over her head like a shroud to dry them further and keep her warm. Why was he like this... why was SHE like this... her chest just kept heaving, until it hurt to much to more than breathe.
The ship creaked around them, smoothly gliding as he let her just do what she had to, having all the time for the world for her there in his cabin. A slight wave slapped the hull, slightly rocking her into him, so she took advantage and buried her face against his chest. She didn't want to ever leave, and he pulled her up, closer, onto his lap as she just fell into him, giving up completely, and the raw edge dulled to only her heavier than healthy breaths.
Zuko's voice came again, rough with his own tight breathing. "Raven," he whispered. "What… what happened? To Asha? Why me…?"
Raven nodded into his chest, small and trembling. She felt him quiver, about to say something dumb, she just let him.
"Well it wasn't me!" he blurted, in the most Zuko way possible.
It was so unnecessary, so awkward, so him, that Raven let out a tiny, broken laugh through her tears. Why did her mind ever let her do anything but trust him?
She just breathed, shaky, and whispered, "I know."
Zuko's brow furrowed.
"How," he demanded, then softened immediately like he'd stepped on her foot. "I mean... how did... this happen?"
Raven liked it down there in the dim dark against his chest in the blanket cave he'd formed by pulling the red bedspread over them too, like more layers meant she had to stay longer before she went crazy again. She didn't need to look to feel Arzayanagi still there on the floor. The echo of more than just a feeling from Arzaya, in no uncertain terms giving her a, "it wasn't him, you stupid child." She couldn't even be mad. That one... she had coming.
She'd seen it. That strange blue light turning into fire. Asha screaming. In fact, it was twice now.
Her jaw clenched. A bitter, shaking anger rose up in her chest, not at Zuko. One that felt so much safer to hold, so much less painful than the anger at her father, at Arzaya, at her whole family's crazy religion or all the problems it caused, but all the things it brought her.
"Everyone thinks you did it," Raven flatly stated, not menace, but she felt him clench at the sudden new tone. "Your father's been telling people that's why you were banished."
Zuko jolted instantly.
"That's not why I was banished!" he snapped, instant outrage, but he just held her tighter like he might have scared her away.
Raven just stared into his chest, then rose to look him in the eyes. That was enough anyway, she wasn't going back to crybaby, that was for sure. Her lip twitched. "I know," she stated.
Zuko stared at her, then glanced around, like he needed a place to put his anger immediately, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be her.
Then he asked, voice forced to be careful, "Do you… do you know who did it?"
Raven's hands curled into the sheet. She was still devastated, but it felt so good to have someone she trusted be so mad about it. Of course he was. Why would she ever think he wouldn't be? That would be fucking stupid. She rolled her eyes, thankfully he wasn't looking. The answer sat on her tongue like poison she'd have to swallow, but she'd do that for him. She'd do anything for him... now. She took one deep breath.
"Azula," Raven uttered. Her blood curdled as she lowly spat, "and she pinned it on you," like that was the action of a dead princess walking.
Zuko went completely still. For a moment, he looked like the world had fallen out from under him, but his flat gaze told her he didn't struggle to believe that, not even a little. He didn't question it. He made no denials, searched for no alibis.
It was just the horrible, dawning click of finally finding the right key, only to unlock that your life is a lie.