It was pretty much the first time in a damn long while that he didn't really want to leave his apartment. Sure, he was more than ready to go to work, but there was this small conflict inside him that he hadn't been able to resolve since Friday night.
Isaac.
Of course he could just go to work. He didn't have to go to Café Noir to get his favorite coffee. Even though, by now, he needed it like air to breathe. Which was ridiculous. Caffeine was caffeine. He was a grown man, not a junkie.
Unfortunately, Isaac simply made the coffee more than perfectly. With exactly the right amount of caffeine to keep his head awake for hours, and a taste unlike anything else—one that didn't immediately give him a stomachache. He'd never, anywhere, had such damn heavenly coffee.
Still, he would have to deal with Isaac—and with what Isaac had said to him.
The thought alone made him jittery. He didn't know what to make of it. Benedict had tried to dismiss it as drunken babbling. But there was still Isaac's look. He hadn't just looked at him—he'd damn well studied him. He'd probably memorized every single facet of his face.
And he would never forget how Isaac's fingers had felt on him…
Every time he looked in the mirror, he wondered if he really had such a beautiful eye color as Isaac had claimed. He had grieved for a long time and neglected his body; only in the last few weeks had he started taking better care of himself again—of himself and his appearance.
Isaac seemed to like what he had seen and felt.
Benedict felt a desperation inside him that was tearing him apart. He couldn't and didn't want to cheat on Dan. Dan hadn't even been dead for a year, and he was already throwing himself at the next opportunity that came along? He was a terrible person.
And yet he couldn't deny how hard his heart pounded whenever he thought of Isaac.
Even less could he deny how present the thought of Isaac's body had been—along with all the fantasies swirling around in his head. They hadn't disappeared until he'd satisfied himself. Twice. Still that same night.
He hated himself for it.
He hated himself for imagining what Isaac would feel like. What his lips might taste like. How he would react if things turned intimate—whether he'd be gentle or demanding, whether he'd take the lead or let himself be led. What position would he prefer, and were men even okay for him?
No sooner did the thought flare up than the traitor in his pants stirred again.
"If only you'd stayed as cold as you always are…," Benedict muttered to himself as he grabbed his bag. "Why did you have to show me that side of you?"
All at once he could see Isaac's mouth again. Those full lips. And the idea that next time Benedict would inevitably end up staring at them like a damn idiot made his throat go dry.
And that absolutely could not happen!
He left his apartment. Today he wouldn't get coffee from Isaac, and he'd order something to eat around noon. They had more than enough coffee at the precinct, and caffeine was all he really needed from that drink.
___
After arriving at the precinct, he turned on his PC. He placed his tablet on the desk and the file of the Phantom Thief case beside it. Then he simply stared at everything. Over the past week they had come up with quite a lot to catch the thieves.
They had not only developed several security mechanisms independent of the museums' own systems, but also traps. Even if the traps had to be as humane as possible—otherwise Benedict would have long insisted on designing one that simply put the thief to sleep.
Jasper had immediately rejected the idea—at least officially—because it would lead to legal consequences. His look, however, had betrayed how much he would still like to do it.
So they worked with what they were actually allowed to use.
Their ideas had escalated completely at times, but that had only produced even more approaches they probably would never have considered otherwise.
For now, however, all their work meant they could no longer do anything further on the current case. There were no clues left to follow and no outstanding interviews. The technical team had analyzed the disturbance, and forensics had finished as well.
All they could do was wait for a new announcement, so in the meantime they were left with comparing all the cases with each other.
And for that he urgently needed a coffee. So he stood up, turned on the coffee machine, and waited for the filter coffee to finally run through.
"Morning," Jasper muttered tiredly as he entered the small kitchen. He stopped and raised an eyebrow when he recognized Benedict. "Since when do you drink our inferior coffee again? Did they replace the barista?"
"Morning. And no, they didn't," Benedict said. He turned back to the coffee machine, hoping Jasper would simply change the subject.
"Back to being sunshine today? Did something happen this weekend?"
So damn much happened, he thought wearily.
"Ben?"
"All good. I just slept like crap," he finally said. He didn't want to talk about Isaac and have to explain his complicated emotional state. Especially not here at the precinct. He poured coffee into one of the mugs and turned to Jasper. "Want one too?"
Jasper exhaled slowly. "I know you're hiding something. Besides, you were more than quiet all weekend. I actually expected you to occupy my couch again. So?"
Benedict blew across his coffee to stall for time.
"Ben," Jasper finally said, conciliatory. "I've been sharing custody of you with Sebastian for far too long. I notice when something's wrong with you."
Benedict raised an eyebrow. "Custody? Seriously?"
Jasper just shrugged. "Why not? We practically take care of you on a daily basis, and the guilt is practically stapled to your forehead."
Benedict didn't respond. He stared into his coffee mug as if he could read a plausible excuse in the filter coffee. The surface trembled almost imperceptibly as his hand gripped a little too tightly.
Jasper sighed, grabbed a second mug, and poured himself some. "Come on. We're going to my office." He nodded toward the hallway. "The shift hasn't really started yet, and the others aren't here."
"Can't we just drop it?" Benedict muttered.
"Nope." Jasper said it in a tone that allowed no refusal. "Not after you've started taking better care of yourself again these past few weeks. You're making progress, Ben. And right now you're starting to crawl back into your shell. We're not letting that happen."
He left the kitchen, and Benedict followed him, even though he absolutely didn't want to talk about all of this first thing in the morning.
They entered Jasper's office. Benedict closed the door behind him and sat down in front of the desk while Jasper settled into his office chair. It felt like sitting in the dock, though that definitely wasn't the case.
"Jas, really, nothing happened," he assured him, hoping he sounded convincing.
Jasper leaned back, crossed his arms, and kept his eyes on him. "Is it the apartment?"
Benedict's stomach tightened.
Jasper continued without softening it. "I know you bought that place together with Dan. And I know you don't want to let it go. But maybe you should sell it and finally find something new, Ben. At some point you have to move on."
You have to move on. The sentence was always easy to say. As easy as if grief were a project you eventually ticked off once enough time had passed.
Benedict swallowed. His stomach turned, and for a moment he was glad he was holding the coffee—something to keep him occupied. He wanted to talk about the situation at home even less than about anything else.
"It… isn't because of the apartment," Benedict finally managed. He ran a hand over his face as if he could simply wipe the pressure away.
Jasper raised an eyebrow. "Then what is it?"
Before Benedict could answer, there was a knock at the door.
Jasper glanced at the clock, then at the door. "Perfect timing." He raised his voice. "Come in!"
The door opened and Sebastian stepped inside, jacket half open as if he'd only properly put it on while walking. "You said there's an emergency?" His gaze fell on Benedict, and his expression changed immediately — from annoyed fatigue to focused attention. "What happened?"
"Nothing…," Benedict began, too quickly.
"Something happened over the weekend," Jasper said dryly, cutting him off. "And he's trying to swallow it again. Help me."
Sebastian didn't stop to think. He stepped closer, looked Benedict up and down, and pulled a face. "You look terrible."
"Thanks," Benedict replied automatically. "I just didn't sleep enough. That's all."
Sebastian sat down as well, studying him closely.
"The guilt is written all over your face," he remarked, just as Jasper had earlier.
Benedict rolled his eyes. "Did you coordinate this? Mom and Dad?"
"Not this time. I just got the message to get to the office quickly," Sebastian replied.
Benedict felt his neck tense. He didn't want this. He didn't want a vague, embarrassing, complicated feeling to turn into a conversation that suddenly gave it a name. Once you said something out loud, you couldn't shove it back into the drawer.
"Tell us what happened," Jasper prompted again. "I'm definitely not going to watch you bottle everything up again."
Benedict rested his elbows on his knees, the cup between his hands like a shield. "You know you're unbelievably annoying?"
Jasper shrugged with a grin. "Takes one to know one. Stop stalling and start talking."
Sebastian gave him an encouraging smile as well. Involuntarily, Benedict smirked. The two of them were always there, whether he wanted them or not.
He exhaled. Then again, deeper. "I… maybe I met someone," he finally admitted.
"Really?" Sebastian immediately leaned forward, and for a moment there was genuine brightness in his eyes, as if Benedict had just announced he could breathe again.
Jasper immediately turned to his PC. "What's his name?"
Benedict blinked. "You're not seriously going to run a background check right away."
"These days you never know," Jasper replied dryly while his fingers were already flying over the keyboard. "Besides, I can't let my boy play with complete strangers."
Benedict groaned. "You're such an idiot. We're the same age, so stop pretending you're older than you are."
"His name, Ben," Jasper said impatiently.
"His name is Isaac Walker and there's nothing about him in the database."
"You checked him yourself?" Sebastian asked.
"Of course."
Jasper leaned back in his chair again and crossed his arms.
"Jokes aside, who is he and how did you meet him?"
"I met him because of Sebastian."
Sebastian looked at him in surprise. "Because of me? When did I manage that?"
"When you brought me that coffee cup a few weeks ago," Benedict replied.
His gaze shifted to Jasper. "And you're just as responsible because you suspended me for a week the same day."
Sebastian leaned forward with more interest. "Right. You said you sat in that café for days." He frowned as if digging through memories. "Is it that sunny, cheerful guy?"
Benedict pulled a face. "No. It's the one who looks like those rabbits," he muttered.
Jasper blinked. Sebastian, on the other hand, needed a second — then understanding spread across his face. "The white-haired one?" He nodded slowly. "Right, his name was Isaac."
"White hair?" Jasper immediately sounded mocking again. "Did you fall in love with an old man or how am I supposed to understand that?"
"He's not an old man and I'm not in love," Benedict protested. "He's an albino."
"That really does sound like a rabbit. What does he look like?" Jasper asked. "Do you have a photo of him?"
"No. If you want a photo, check the database."
"Give me a moment," Jasper said.
Sebastian, meanwhile, studied him again. "How did you even start talking? He seems pretty cool and distant, and you're usually an open guy, but right now you're not exactly open to meeting new people," he asked. "His coffee, though, is unmatched. The others are nice, but they just don't reach his level."
"I agree," Benedict said. "Whatever you think, it definitely wasn't planned."
He considered how much he should tell them. There was really nothing he couldn't reveal — except the reason he'd originally been interested in him. That wasn't really important.
So he shrugged. "I found him interesting. Besides, it's hard to focus your attention on anything else when he's around."
Sebastian nodded as if that confirmed his memory. "True. He's got something."
"Wow, I've never seen someone with albinism before," Jasper marveled. "Are the eye colors real?"
"They are," Benedict confirmed. He took a sip of coffee and immediately grimaced. He set the mug down on the desk. This stuff would not only burn a hole in his stomach, compared to Isaac's coffee it tasted like cheap dishwater anyway.
He forced himself to keep talking before he backed out again. "We went out for a drink Friday evening."
"Is that why you disappeared so quickly?" Jasper asked. Benedict nodded. Jasper stared at the screen again. "You sure Isaac's a guy? He looks so… I don't know, is that called androgynous? Ah, whatever."
Sebastian snorted. "More like an android."
Benedict rubbed his face. "He's definitely a man," he said quietly.
Sebastian looked surprised. "How far did you go?"
"Not as far as you think," Benedict muttered. He felt himself suddenly grow warm — not because of the question, but because of the images it triggered.
"Damn, we're drifting off topic," Jasper apologized. He turned away from the screen and focused on Benedict again. "Anyway, he really seems clean, which is good. So? You went out last Friday?"
Benedict nodded and told them everything that had happened that Friday. About their time in the bar, how Isaac had grown increasingly drunk and opened up more and more. How much he'd enjoyed talking with him and that Isaac's closeness hadn't bothered him, even though he'd been forced to drag him home.
His friends watched him with undisguised curiosity when he reached the part where he'd taken Isaac to his apartment. How they'd ended up in his bed and how Isaac had sat on him. How he'd told him how beautiful he was and how it had felt when Isaac touched him.
When he finished with how guilty he felt, Jasper's office fell silent. Only the quiet hum of his PC could be heard.
Benedict held his breath and only after a moment realized he had been doing so.
"Damn it, say something," Benedict asked after a while of silence.
"I honestly don't really know what to say," Sebastian admitted. "Personally, I'm glad you're reaching out again."
"Same here," Jasper agreed. "You hid in your grief for so long I started worrying about you and your mental state. To be honest, I even considered having you admitted somewhere so you could get some rest."
"But wouldn't that be betraying Dan?" Benedict asked quietly. "We were going to get married and…"
"And what?" Sebastian asked sharply. "Do you think Dan would hate you for trying to find happiness?"
Benedict opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Only that pull in his chest, as if someone had tightened a knot.
"You knew him best out of all of us, Ben. Dan would be glad you're getting your life back on track and actually living it instead of destroying yourself further. He loved you. How could he ever hate you?"
"Besides, I think you should just try," Sebastian added. "If you realize you're absolutely not ready, you can stop anytime, and you don't have to start anything serious with him."
"But what if he wants more — or nothing at all?" Benedict asked uncertainly.
"Then that's how it is and you'll have to decide how far you want to go with it. If he wants nothing, you don't need to rack your brain over it," Sebastian replied with a shrug. "You've got nothing to lose, Ben. I understand the guilt. But Dan's been dead almost a year and you've punished yourself enough for his murder. You should start thinking about yourself again. Damn it, Ben, you're far too young to be bitter."
Benedict's eyes burned at Sebastian's words. Maybe he really should think more about himself.
"And it's not like you'd erase Dan from your life. He'll always be a part of you."
A tear rolled down Benedict's cheek, which he quickly wiped away. Sebastian was right, even if accepting his words was difficult.
"Well, I'd like to see what kind of picture he'd paint of your disfigured face," Jasper grinned.
A small laugh escaped Benedict. "And that from someone who isn't exactly the prettiest either."
"Unlike you," Sebastian added with a grin, "Ben at least received highly poetic confirmation that he looks good. Don't be jealous, Jasper. You'll find someone too."
"Assholes," Jasper muttered, though he was smiling. "I'm just saving myself for the right person."
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Sure, keep telling yourself that," he grinned.
Benedict leaned back and took a breath. His chest didn't feel quite as tight anymore.
"Thanks, guys," he finally said. It sounded rougher than intended.
Jasper waved it off, but his expression remained soft. Sebastian only nodded, as if it were obvious. He really did have damn good friends at his side. He still felt unsure, but he would probably only move forward if he talked to Isaac — got to know him better and reached out.
They were right. He couldn't hide forever, and the opportunity with Isaac was there right now. He could stop at any time; no one was forcing him into anything.
"I'm just glad you found someone you had a nice evening with," Sebastian said. "Besides, you'd be there for me if I were in the same situation."
"Absolutely."
Jasper took a sip of his coffee, grimaced, and set the mug back on the desk.
"With all this talk about good coffee, now I want a caramel macchiato," he sighed. "Hey Ben, how about picking up coffee for us after the meeting? Then you could see him again. Win-win."
"Don't start treating me like your coffee errand boy," Benedict warned.
Jasper pouted. "Please, Ben. I'll be a nicer boss. Come on."
Sebastian stood up as if on cue. "Speaking of the meeting — I have to go." He patted Benedict on the shoulder, far too satisfied. "Bring me one too? Thanks. You're the best, Ben."
"Hey!" Benedict called after him. "Not you as well!"
Sebastian turned in the doorway and grinned broadly. "Consider it payment for the emotional stress you put us through!"
Then he was gone.
Jasper stood as well and picked up his cup. "Come on. We should get going too."
Benedict snorted. "You really are idiots."
Nevertheless, a smile played on his lips. They were his idiots — and the best he had.