"Ah."
The soil was muddy from yesterday's rain.
I had left an impression in the dirt wall as I absentmindedly buried my fist into it.
The trench supports were thoroughly covered in mud. Blood coated the rotten and broken pieces of wood.
It's been about three months since I came to the battlefield.
About half of the people who enlisted at the same time as me are already gone. In their place, a few juniors have joined.
A cheeky-looking brat was shot in the head and died on the first day of enlistment.
I was gradually being looked after less and less. Up until now, I just had to follow behind my platoon leader.
But recently, he's been sending me to dangerous places.
"There's a hill ahead. I can't see the enemy camp from across the trench. You, crawl forward about ten meters and check if the enemy is coming."
Following my platoon leader's orders, I crawled out of the trench and surveyed the enemy lines.
Flies were buzzing around the battlefield. They clung to my eyes and nose, rubbing their forelegs together.
When I looked to the side, there was a guy who, just like me, had crawled out of the trench and was moving forward on his stomach.
"Platoon Leader. It doesn't look like the enemy is coming."
"Okay. Keep watch there for a while and let me know if the enemy comes."
Amid the unpleasant buzzing of insects, I continued to stare at the enemy camp, standing next to the egg-infested bodies of my comrades.
***
"Gray, you're excellent."
That night, a senior soldier said that to me and praised me after I finished a reconnaissance mission.
"You're just the right amount of scared, brave, and stupid. You've got all the qualities needed to survive on the battlefield."
"Is that so…"
"You'll let your guard down and die if you're not scared. If you're not brave, you'll freeze up and die. And if you're not stupid, you'll try to run away from a place like this."
The senior said that, then laughed cheerfully.
"After that, it's all about how much you enjoy the battlefield. Isn't it better to enjoy yourself than have a rough time before you die?"
"…What exactly am I supposed to enjoy in a place like this?"
"Well, for starters, try enjoying killing the enemy."
Bang! The senior made a gesture of shooting the enemy.
At that moment, he truly looked like he was enjoying himself.
"You can end the life of those damn Sabbatian soldiers if you land a clean shot. Doesn't that get you excited?"
"You're telling me to get excited about killing?"
"Of course! To fight and win is one of the most primal joys of being a living creature. What could be more exciting than that?"
Yeah, there are probably many soldiers who feel pleasure in killing the enemy.
But something about it just didn't sit right with me.
"I can't even explain the thrill of the moment you blow out someone's brains. It's like, 'Got him! Hell yeah!'"
"I'm still pretty bad at shooting. I can't hit them."
"Then make sure to train hard. Killing the enemy also means protecting your comrades."
What the senior said wasn't wrong.
Still, I felt a kind of aversion toward actually shooting someone and killing them.
I had fought on the front lines during the three months I've been deployed. I've even fired my gun many times.
But I had never once had the experience of hitting a person.
"Is killing people really that fun?"
"Yeah, there's no better thrill than that."
Well, that was probably just because I was bad at it.
Having been assigned as a soldier, I had no hesitation about killing the enemy.
I just wasn't sure if I could ever find pleasure in it.
***
Well, that concern turned out to be unfounded.
It happened during an assault when I was following behind the Platoon Leader, rushing forward to secure the enemy trench.
"Watch out! There's one there, Gray!"
I noticed one enemy soldier hiding behind sandbags at the far end of the trench I had just slid into.
I reflexively fired a bullet toward the sandbag.
At almost the exact same moment, the Sabbatian soldier hiding there peeked out just briefly to look this way.
It was a clean hit. The Sabbatian soldier who had just poked his head out fell backward limply with the shot.
And then, a fountain of blood spurted from his forehead like a stream of piss.
"…"
"Oh! You did it, Gray!"
That's how I killed an enemy.
For better or worse, I had taken a human life. I thought I'd feel more guilty, or maybe I'd even panic.
"Yeah! I did it!"
However, what completely filled my heart was the sense of accomplishment from shooting and killing the enemy.
It was a feeling of superiority; that I had ended that guy's life.
That's when I understood what my senior had been talking about.
It really did feel good.
***
"We're having a feast tonight! Drinks are on me, Gray!"
"Ah, thank you!"
"You're now a full-fledged soldier!"
This is what being a soldier is.
It was a euphoric high. A clear sense of accomplishment, like after a successful hunt.
It was by no means the sort of emotion someone should feel after killing someone.
But, if I'd hesitated, if the enemy had shot first, I would have ended up like that instead.
There's no need to feel guilty. After all, we're in the same position.
He had a gun too, and he was aiming to take my life.
That guy was just weaker. Because my opponent was weak, I survived and he died.
"Ahahaha!! I feel so great!"
Was this what it meant to enjoy the battlefield?
"Ahahahahaha!!!"
It definitely made things easier. I could accept the fact that, if I died, it couldn't be helped.
I had taken such joy in killing the enemy. If I were to be killed by the enemy, then that would simply be karma.
If I enjoyed killing, even the fear of death would fade.
Just the right amount of cowardly, brave, and stupid
Maybe that's what a soldier really needs.
I felt like I had finally become a true soldier.
***
It happened the very next day.
"Gah…!"
"Senior!"
My senior was shot through the chest by a Sabbatian soldier and died.
It was an incredible assault, a sheer overwhelming show of numbers. They launched a fierce attack with several times the strength of our defensive forces.
The Platoon Leader fought valiantly, but we had no choice but to retreat with the surrounding bases falling.
There were no last words.
He was simply shot in the chest, collapsed, and died before being trampled underfoot by the Sabbatian soldier.
I followed the Platoon Leader and ran toward the rear lines, never once looking back at the fallen senior.
"■■■!!!■■♪"
Just as I glanced back into the trench…
I noticed the Sabbatian soldier who had killed him looked extremely happy.
***
"Hey, Gray, you okay?"
"I'm fine…"
I'd been like an empty shell since my senior died.
Could someone so experienced really die that easily?
"Cheer up man. Weren't you all fired up yesterday?"
"…Sorry. I just don't feel that way right now."
"Alright, come with me then."
Yesterday, I was genuinely thrilled at having shot and killed an enemy.
But today, I was down from having a senior of mine killed the same way.
That soldier I killed might have had juniors who looked up to him.
He might've had a beloved family or children.
At the moment I shot him, I didn't think of any of that.
Just how hypocritical and weak-hearted am I?
"You're better off not thinking about it"
"Eh?"
"That guy was someone who loved killing. He happily killed so many Sabbatian soldiers. That's why I'm sure he went out satisfied. He probably accepted it as karma."
Seeing me depressed, a senior soldier came to comfort me this time.
He took my hand and tried to lead me somewhere.
"Do you think you can keep enjoying killing like he did?"
"…No. Yesterday, I thought maybe I could for a moment."
"You're not suited for it. You act casual, but deep down you're the serious type. You should look for other ways to enjoy yourself."
"Other ways to enjoy myself…?"
The senior soldier was Scout Allen.
With a sleazy grin, he said:
"We're buying women, Gray!!"
He took me to a ridiculous place.
"Sure, killing the enemy might be a primal joy as a living being. But, this is the ultimate pleasure of being alive!"
And so, I bought a woman on Senior Allen's dime.
***
"You've got a great look on your face, Gray! Hahahaha!
My head was hazy, and a pathetic voice slipped out of me.
Ah, what a wonderful time that was.
"How was it, Gray? Which excited you more: killing enemies or sleeping with women?"
"…Women."
"Figures. I felt like you were just like me."
What kind of person throws a grieving soldier into a brothel?
A part of me was exasperated. But at the same time, I felt deeply grateful.
"Yeah, this definitely suits me better."
The pleasure of flirting with a woman suited me more than the thrill of killing someone.
If I had to choose between the right to kill enemies every day or the right to sleep with a woman every day, I'd pick the latter without hesitation.
"Let's get along from now on, Gray. I think we'll make a good pair."
"Thanks. Not in a weird way, right?"
"Obviously not. I treated you since I like women."
…That other senior told me to enjoy the battlefield.
It doesn't have to be just about the pleasure of killing. As long as you find something to enjoy, that's enough.
That's why I'll enjoy myself on the battlefield in erotic ways and keep on living.
"Oh, one piece of advice. If by some miracle a female soldier gets assigned to our unit, don't go recklessly hitting on her."
"Huh? Why not?"
"Seniors get first dibs. If you wanna make a move, get my permission first."
"Hah… You're terrible."
Even with that talk, the idea of a female soldier being deployed to the front lines was basically unthinkable.
"But really, there aren't any cute girls on the front lines. It's all muscle-bound gorillas…"
"What's wrong with that? Personally, I'm into muscular women."
Still, if that day ever did come…
Gray imagined it would surely lead to a good time.