Dear Diary,
So much has happened lately.
I'm sick of all of it.
I'm tired of thinking all the time.
Every day my body becomes slightly less human and I feel slightly more numb. Is there a limit to how many times I can heal my bones and tissues?
How about I start from the beginning?
After I healed my hand and slept for a while, Count Telantra gave us a magic tool called a cognition shroud. It's a necklace-looking thing that stops people from recognizing who we were before we put it on. So now we are pretending to be apprentices at Count Telantra's castle.
We should be safe unless Raya fully unleashes Ryuzu's Fang. Apparently Kael Drogo would know if that ever happened and would be able to locate us.
Raya immediately got to work. She's been working, studying, and talking to various important people. Naturally, I'm being forced to put in just as much effort.
I've been studying and training almost constantly for over a year now.
Raya says that the two of us need to get strong enough to kill Kael Drogo.
I was all like "alright that's doable"
But apparently he is literally the strongest person in all of Artenia. Stronger than Charlotte, who defeated me last time with me completely unable to do a thing.
The world is playing a cruel joke on me.
But worst of all…
I think Raya is in love with me.
Honestly, I've known for a while that Raya has some feelings for me. I would say that it's strange for a 13-year-old to have feelings for a 10-year-old, but I'm not one to talk.
Okay, I'm technically 25, but the oldest I've been is 15. I should just wait until she's 18, right? Wait wouldn't that be grooming then? What's grooming again? Am I a pedophile? Is she a pedophile? What's the rules on this? Will I be going to jail if this gets out? Will society persecute me? Actually, society will never know so it should be fine right?
Who even designed this situation?
That guy must be the one who's fucked in the head.
All the morally gray stuff aside, I think I hate myself too much to get into a romantic relationship like that. I don't deserve something like happiness.
She doesn't even know the truth about me. The person she is falling in love with is a lie.
Probably.
Everything I've just said could just be sophistry. I don't know my own feelings. I'm just so confused all the time.
I don't want to be lonely anymore.
But I'm scared that if I open up to anyone they would be as disgusted at myself as I am.
Not that I could ever put my thoughts into spoken words with any coherence.
All I see is a truck coming full speed towards me. It's honking to tell me to get off the road, but I'm just a stupid deer frozen in the headlights.
I feel myself getting more attracted to her every day. I've already latched onto her emotionally as the last thing between myself and suicide, but…
I want to be more than just [Lust]
In that case you should just not have sex with her. It would be fine then, right?
Get your head out of the gutter. A romantic relationship is fine, just don't cross the line.
I don't trust myself though. My body… reacts to her.
Holy shit that was a disgusting sentence. Kill yourself, seriously.
Why does she even like me anyways?
That delusional bitch doesn't even know what she's getting into.
How stupid can you be to like someone like me?
Hold on…
Maybe I'm the delusional one… Does she even like me?
This is important, so let's go over the evidence.
Exhibit A. Sunday January 3rd, at 7 pm:
Raya approaches the defendant as he was relaxing in the courtyard and staring into space. She hands him some cookies to which he respond with a polite "Thank you, what's the occasion?" She blushes for a moment and then says that she happened to pass by a shop on her way back home, so she bought some and she happened to have extra, and she thought that they were good, so she gave them to me to try, but that I shouldn't get any strange ideas, and that she was wondering what I thought about them. Raya said all that hurriedly and blushed a little bit at the end, but really she might have just been tired or something, it's unknown. The defendant nods and eats one, thinking that the cookie was pretty good. He tells her that and she seems happy, but then says, "I'm glad, but don't get any strange ideas or anything!" then awkwardly runs away.
…
Could mean anything really. Not enough evidence here to say anything for sure. She literally did say to not get any strange ideas from that two times during the conversation.
Moving on…
Exhibit B. Friday December 22nd, 4 pm:
Raya asks the defendant to help her get a present for Count Telantra for the new year. The defendant didn't really like the guy but thought that since he was protecting them it wouldn't hurt for the guy to develop some fatherly instincts for Raya. The defendant agreed to Raya's request and then they set out. The first thing the defendant noticed was that Raya was more dressed up than usual. Her hair was combed and sleek, contrary to the simple ponytail she normally wore. The defendant compliments her hair to test her reaction, and noted that she blushed and said thank you. Throughout the night he also noticed that she seemed to laugh at all his jokes and was initiating physical contact with him. Even after getting the gift for the annoying Count, she still took him to other stores and forced him to give opinions on certain dresses she tried on.
…
Could mean anything really. I mean she was just excited–
Okay dumbass, I think that's enough.
What!?
How much more obvious can it be? She's literally throwing herself at you. I'm begging you to accept what you're looking at. I mean you literally started this entire conversation off with "Honestly I've known for a while that Raya has some feelings for me". At this point, you're just procrastinating by running in circles.
But… No, you're right. I'm not the oblivious protagonist of some shonen slop. The real question is what I should do.
Ask her out and there is a 100% chance she says yes.
Then why am I still scared? Why is this so hard for me? Why does being happy feel so wrong? Why can't I move on from my past self?
…Dawg I have no idea. I'm literally you. Just do it. Figure that stuff out after you're together.
Okay.
Wait, can someone kindly kill me so that I don't have to go through this?
Stop joking around.
Fine, here goes nothing…