Adam: [Though, in retrospect, it's possible that I was a bit overdramatic back there.]
???: [What?]
Adam: [Like that stuff about "drowning in tears" and "using the pain to forget," you know? Was it really that serious for me to be saying all that shit? Ugh, I cringe just thinking about it these days.]
???: [I'm lost, are you even still talking to me anymore?]
Finally, I turned my head to the person sitting on the stool next to me. Sighing, I took another swig of the beer in front of me.
Adam: [Sorry, I'm at it again. Treating what's in front of me like it's fiction while only taking the regrets of my past as reality.]
Still lost, the man besides me grunted in affirmation.
???: [I'll drink to that.]
A soft smile crossed my lips when he said that. But then the conversation died and the bar was silent.
The only sources of illumination in the dingy bar were the sharp beams of sunlight that pierced through the shutters on the windows and reflected off the dust hanging in the air. All the tables around the bar had chairs atop them since there were barely any customers around at this hour.
Only the most pathetic of men would stop by to drink at 11 AM.
Drunk man: [You know… What really is love? Isn't love kinda weird? Like, who invented that shit?]
Each of us with our own problems had been talking past on another with each word we spoke, just rambling on without caring how much the other actually understood of the words we were saying.
But this time, the drunk man's words had somehow struck a chord within me.
Adam: [Yeah, love is a fucked up thing,] I sighed.
Drunk man: [We acknowledge this and yet we are slaves to it nonetheless... Oh, what I'd give to have never met that woman. What I'd give to be someone immune to her lips and the words that come from them.]
Since when has this guy been so eloquent?
Adam: [Me and my girl have been running around together for so long that I can't seem to remember when we started all this… At this point is it even love, or is it codependence? Like parasites we strangle and cling to one another as we fall deeper and deeper into the darkness. Only in death may we part, but I fear that death may be coming for us sooner than we'd hoped when we first set out together,] I say as I pause for dramatic effect. [Maybe letting go is the only way for us to survive. Maybe holding on can't shield her from the darkness much longer... Or something.]
Luckily, this country has no laws against underage drinking. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to talk like this.
Drunk guy: [But when you put it that way, it sounds kinda romantic, you know? Like, I want something like that! I'm just here now… sad and alone…. I thought she loved me but she just stole my money and left.]
After taking a healthy swig, I moved closer to my newfound friend to better console him.
Adam: [Wait, holdon a sec… what if it was, like, a scenario where she loved you but needed the money to save her family… or something. And what if it was a suuuper hard decision for her. Like an "I love you… but we can't be together anymore!" sort of thing. I mean you never know…]
Drunk guy: [heh, you've been reading too many romance novels, my guy. She left a note telling me to go fuck myself.]
Adam: […damn,] I pause, unsure of how to continue. [Well that girl is a bitch! Fucked up! That's what that is!]
I patted my friend on the back to cheer him up.
Drunk guy: [Thanks bro… but I still love her even now… Couldn't tell you why. Love is kinda just weird like that sometimes.]
I nodded and we both sat in silence as we drank.
Blam!
Someone kicked open the door and ran inside.
Raya: [Pax! I thought you might be here but damn is it disappointing! Hurry up and--]
Adam: [RAYA!]
From across the room I flew into her arms. It had been over 6 hours since I'd last seen her so my withdrawal symptoms had been getting bad.
She caught my face with the palm of her hand and whispered to me in an aggressive tone:
Raya: [Not now Adam, Kael is only a town away at the moment. We need to leave immediately. And again, don't call me by my real name in public, we don't know who's listening!]
Raya's words instantly sobered me up a little bit.
I waved goodbye to my drinking buddy and we left the bar.
After stopping by the inn we stayed at and picking up all of our belongings, we immediately left the small town.
By now we were used to this. Every few weeks we would switch towns or live somewhere in the forest, living off the local wildlife.
Adam: [So our next stop is Fulova?]
Raya: [That's right.]
Adam: [Anything interesting there?]
Raya: [Apparently it smells bad there recently.]
Adam: [Hah. Know the reason why?]
Raya: [No.]
Adam: [What kind of smell is it? Shit? Piss? Wet dog? Rotting Corpse? Maybe something fishy?]
Raya: [Yes to all of those.]
Adam: [I could probably figure out a way to turn off your sense of smell or make certain smells not as strong. Wanna try it?]
Raya: [No.]
What's up with these one word answers? Usually she would respond to my shitty jokes with another joke.
Maybe I should try changing the subject?
Adam: [How's the war doing these days?]
Raya: [Terrible. People are dying.]
Adam: [How long do you think it'll take until were strong enough to beat Kael?]
Raya: [Not sure… however long it takes for him to die on his own of old age.]
Okay, something is definitely wrong with Raya. Normally she'd be a little more optimistic than that. It's like she's tired and has given up on something.
Still, I didn't ask her what was wrong.
Seven years of spending time with Raya had told me that it was usually better not to pry. Even though I'd told her about my reincarnation, there was still so much we didn't tell one another.
In the first place, I'd only told her that much because it would be morally wrong of me not to.
But I still haven't told her all the things that led me to suicide.
I still haven't told her about the world I used to live in.
And she still doesn't talk about her childhood, or why she hates her grandfather so much.
So can you really call this love? Even when there's so many things we don't tell one another?
I put one foot in front of the other, quickening my pace until I was standing besides her.
It's stupid to ask questions you already know the answer to.
Adam: [I love you.]
Then she turned to me and smiled softly.
Raya: [I love you too.]
- - - - - - -
But the next day she still seemed upset. The day after that we barely even said a word to one another.
I tried running through every possible reason she could be acting this way:
Sickness? No, she's physically fine in every possible way. She'd also tell me if she weren't.
Period? Um... I'm no expert in this sort of thing but I'm pretty sure that the symptoms would be different.
Something I fucked up? Well, other than my recent drinking habits, I can't think of anything I've done wrong recently. But ever since we left that last town, I haven't been able to drink anything so it's probably not that.
So what's left? Depression? A general sadness that's been brewing over the years? Something that happened to her while I wasn't watching? Some sort of guilt weighing over her?
Wait, what if it's Pregnancy?! FUCK!
No... No, that can't be right. There's no way. We've been super careful.
Sigh
In any case, letting her stay this way would be bad.
Looks like I have to step up as a boyfriend.
I stopped walking and stared directly at Raya. Noticing this change, Raya turned to look at me.
Adam: [What's wrong?]
Raya: [Nothing.]
Adam: [What's on your mind?]
Raya: […Nothing]
Adam: [Impossible. Tell me what's on your mind. Even if it's stupid or useless I'd like to hear it.]
You need to understand that you are not alone, Raya.
She sighed and looked down in thought for a moment. She hesitated for a while before speaking:
Raya: [Don't…Don't you feel tired of all this?]
Adam: […I'm not sure what you mean.]
Raya: [We've spent years moving from place to place. For what? We're just barely living like this…]
Adam: [By being constantly on the move like this, we're stopping Kael Drogo from joining the frontlines. And we're slowly gaining strength so that one day we may complete our revenge… Right?]
Raya: [Yes,] she said, but her face clearly betrayed that she was lying.
Raya: [No,] she corrected shortly after.
She looked up at me with shame and sadness in her eyes, but I had nothing but a smile on my face.
Adam: [Well that's fine too. Honestly, it's been so long since my family died that my desire for revenge has dulled. And the promise I made with my mother became null as soon as she died--]
Raya: [You don't get it. I LIED TO YOU. When we left Celestia, I told you that this running had a point to it. I told you that one day we would get revenge. I told you I had a plan for everything and you trusted me to go through with it. But any plan I had died as soon as we left Celestia. What we're doing now is akin to a child's rebellious phase in the eyes of my parents and grandfather. This will accomplish nothing except get you killed.]
Adam: [Oh... Well, that's fine too... I'm guessing you lied to me to protect my feelings or something. But that's not something you need to worry about since I would've followed you either way.]
Sadly, my words didn't seem to make her feel any better.
Raya: [We'll be alone and homeless until we die. The trap is already closing in on us. We have no allies we could contact or join up with. There is no escaping and no happy end for us.]
Adam: [I won't feel alone if I'm with you. It won't be an unhappy end if I get to spend it with you.]
Raya seemed exasperated with my stubbornness but continued arguing her point:
Raya: [This doesn't have to be your ending at all though… You could leave me and start a new life. You could even take this stupid sword with you since I'm the one they're tracking right now.]
Adam: [Impossible. I would rather die than leave your side. I'm nothing without you.]
Raya: [That's not true.]
Adam: [To me it is.]
We stared at each other for a while without either of us speaking.
Adam: [let's get moving or we won't get to the next town before sundown.]
I began walking along the empty road. After a few seconds Raya followed behind me.
I felt a hand slide into mine. Naturally, I clung onto it as hard as I dared.
We walked in silence as the sun slowly set in the distance.
And when it became dark we continued walking forwards.
With her hand in mine I could feel her warmth. Her presence alone gave me strength and serenity.
No matter what happens, I'll be fine if I'm with you.