By the time the court began watching us differently, we were no longer children.
I say that plainly, because they never did.
It's remarkable how often adults convince themselves that time only matters when it's inconvenient. Limbs lengthened. Voices deepened. Lessons stopped being about etiquette and lineage and started being about implication and expectation… and still, they insisted on pretending nothing had changed.
The years had turned quietly. That was the most dangerous part.
Where once they observed us for signs of instability, now they watched for signs of alignment. As if a person were a mechanism that could be calibrated, adjusted, approved.
I noticed it first in the way rooms began to shift around me.
Not awe.
Not fear.
Calculation.
Seats were chosen more carefully. Conversations paused half a breath longer than necessary. People began speaking at me instead of to me, as though proximity alone carried risk.
Edric noticed it too.
He just didn't understand what it meant.
He had grown into himself the way Ironreach intended — broad-shouldered, well-trained, effortlessly presentable. When he arrived at the capital now, it was no longer with the clumsy uncertainty of a boy playing at diplomacy. He moved like someone accustomed to being received.
He did not linger.
When we spoke, it was polite. Measured. Safe.
He watched me more carefully now… and spoke to me less.
This, too, I understood.
Rosaline's visits increased during that same season.
She and Edric took turns hosting one another between Vermyre and Ironreach, their meetings framed as tradition, their companionship praised as harmony. They were pleasant together. Admirable. Beautiful in the way cultivated things often are.
He liked how she made him feel.
That is not the same as liking her.
Rosaline laughed at the right moments. Admired without demanding. She made him look decisive, charming, admired. The kind of union that reassured courts and unsettled servants.
I noticed how her staff flinched before she spoke.
I noticed how kindness became conditional when no one important was watching.
The court called their bond ideal.
I called it ornamental.
Edric returned from Vermyre content.
That was the word he used, at least. Content implied satisfaction without excess… balance, even. Rosaline made things feel balanced. Predictable. With her, there were no sharp edges, no moments where he felt caught off guard by himself.
It was easy to breathe around her.
Which was why it unsettled him that something still lingered.
He told himself it was travel. Fatigue. Habit. Anything that did not require further examination.
The dream came anyway.
He knew it was Seraphae the moment he became aware he was dreaming.
There was no surprise in it — only the quiet certainty that always accompanied her presence. She stood before him as she did in waking life, composed, unhurried, as though time itself waited for her to decide what to do with it.
She did not ask him to follow.
She assumed he would.
That was the part his mind stumbled over even as his body did not.
In the dream, he did not lead. He did not choose. He responded — to her hands guiding his, to her nearness, to the unspoken authority in every movement. There was no force, no struggle, no sense of being taken.
Only the unbearable clarity of yielding without being commanded.
He woke abruptly, breath shallow, heart racing, the sheets damp beneath his hands.
For a long moment, he lay there staring into the dark, jaw clenched, willing the image of her to recede — the way she had looked at him, the way she had known him without effort.
It did not fade quickly.
Shame followed close behind.
Not because of the desire.
But because it had been her.
Because in the dream, it had not mattered who he was or what he was meant to become. He had not been admired. He had not been elevated.
He had been directed.
He rose before dawn and filled the bathing chamber with cold water, stepping into it without hesitation. The shock stole his breath, burned his skin, anchored him back into control inch by inch.
He stayed there until the memory dulled, until the sense of being seen loosened its grip.
Even then, it took longer than he was willing to admit.
You see how quickly shame rushes in, don't you?
As if desire were the crime… instead of the fear that followed it.
He believed the dream meant something had been taken from him. That yielding — even in sleep — was a kind of failure. He wrapped the feeling in cold water and discipline and called it control.
I would have told him, if he had asked.
I never would have taken what wasn't freely offered.
What frightened him wasn't me.
It was the fact that for once, he hadn't been performing.
For once, he hadn't been admired.
For once, he hadn't been deciding.
He mistook recognition for loss of self.
That happens often to men raised to believe leadership is loud.
If he had stayed… if he had learned to sit with the feeling instead of punishing himself for it… things might have been different.
But clarity, like sovereignty, is not something you can arrive at by accident.
You have to choose it.
Zarek observed the moment without intrusion.
He felt the dream's residue before Edric fully woke — the way the mortal's energy recoiled, tightened, scrambled to reassert a hierarchy that had never truly been his.
Predictable.
He did not judge the desire.
Desire was simple. Honest. A body recognizing gravity.
What followed was the telling part.
Cold water. Discipline. Erasure.
An attempt to cleanse himself of what had unsettled him — not because it was improper, but because it had revealed a truth he did not wish to carry.
Zarek's expression did not change.
You were shown the shape of devotion, he thought.
And you mistook it for humiliation.
Edric would choose safety now. Applause. Ornamentation. A partner who reflected him instead of standing unmoved before him.
That, too, was predictable.
Zarek turned his attention away.
Not in anger.
In dismissal.
You do not fear her power, he concluded.
You fear what you would become if you followed it.
And that was enough to decide everything.
Desire reveals more than affection ever could.
And fear… fear decides everything else.