I had planned everything to the best of my ability. I had tried so much to not think about anything but him. He wouldn't hurt me, wouldn't let any harm come to me, he was Riley, the person I love. The one person who had stood by me without thinking much, without making me do much, without me explaining anything to him. He was always by my side taking things as slow as he could even when I didn't think I needed it though now I realize I needed it and more.
And here I was again, thinking about something that didn't involve him in any way. Here I was wanting him to heal me from something he hadn't caused. I'd like to call it anything else but my past was kind of not the best. The moment that bathrobe fell off me and I was bare for anyone to see I recalled things. Recalled clothes tearing, recalled a mask snapping an nipping at my cheek. Things that I had thought those psychologists had helped bury away came right up at me without warning.
"I am right here with you... Riley is here."
I know that. I know Riley was the one infront of me but that near experience from years ago just wouldn't let it stay there. It wouldn't let me have this moment with him that I want to have. I think I'm now bare infront of him more than I'd ever been before and I want to embrace it so that I don't run off.
"Do you know what this place is? This is the last place I wanted you to come."
"He brought me I didn't come alone. I also didn't want to come here."
And I had called for him the moment I felt that something was wrong. He'd been late, shouldn't I be the one raising a tantrum over it and not him.
"You really don't get it do you?"
His tone was getting on my nerves. He was speaking like I had brought this upon myself, maybe I had but was this how he was supposed to talk to me, he was being paid to make sure I was okay.
"Send me home, I don't want to stay here."
Bruno didn't seem to like the idea, or maybe the fact that for the first time I had wanted him to leave me alone.
Before, it had always been me trying to get close to him. He was my first crush afterall, the one person I'd think of and make my day way better. He was my moon, always having my back and always there for me but at the moment I just wanted to wash up and forget the night had even happened.
I wanted to forget the masks, the acrid smell of sweat and blood. Forget the awkward voices coming from several rooms and the screams. But maybe the scene had gotten him out of sorts, or maybe he'd needed an excuse and I had given him one without knowing of it.
It was the first time I'd pressed the button on my anklet...and the very last. I'd pressed it so much I had lost all hope while trying to write away from him, away from that room and his grabby hands.
I'd tried so hard to fight him off only to have myself picked and dropped onto a filthy bed that he'd had the occupants leave just a few minutes before. Watching them had been his way of showing me something, him doing this was a way of him telling me something.
The clothes getting torn off, me screaming for help and crying, trying to get him to stop and maybe recall who he was dealing with. But then he'd reminded me of how much worth I was to my own parents. The physical slap to my face and the way he'd said it hurt more than anything that I resigned myself to fate.
I'd lost all hope when the door was pushed open and I heard my dad's voice together with other people. He was yanked from me and a sheet was thrown over my body. At that moment I had felt like he was my savior until we got home and I had to get through series of cleansing, prayers and a total lockdown. One I left sometime later after they'd thought it was enough.
The person holding me was silent, somehow he had gotten me into bed without my knowledge and a playlist was on. One I think he'd decided was a go to when I wasn't okay, it was soothing and I also liked it. I love him, a lot. I just have to learn to let go of my demons.
"Did he do anything to you."
"No!"
My voice wasn't mine. Does he dislike me now that I am dirty? Am I dirty in his eyes now?
"It wasn't your fault, he was the pervert. I'd also have liked to kill him if I'd known him before."
What does he mean by that?
I'd been told he'd left the country though I've always thought maybe he was rotting in jail somewhere. Maybe they just didn't want me thinking there was somewhere we'd meet at. I have always had a thought that that was their way of 'protecting' me. That was the one time I'd thought that gave a damn about me so I held onto that hope.
"I need to get you an ice pack, your head is getting warmer by the second."
"I don't want you to leave."
"I am not leaving, I will be back, I just need to get your temperature to the right amount else you might wake up sick."
"Don't leave!"
"I won't, it's just two doors away, I'll leave this one open then you'll hear me from here."
**********
When they'd said it to me, it had felt like he had sold himself out to that guy and many more. They'd painted a disgusting picture for me to look at. They'd said a lot of things but the main issue was he was put forward to be a villain of his own story. The pain on my knuckles and wrist kept me from trying to call and confront them...maybe give them as much pain. Blane was their son, Blane was in the other room, trying to keep himself together and not think of me leaving him.
-Get me everything on Bruno Archibold.
I got an ice pack from the fridge and walked back together with soup that I had been warming. He thought the guy was out of the country, they'd said he was dead. I just want to know what truth was there, the one they had told me or the one we both didn't know.
I found him seated on the bed watching the door. Is he this scared I'd leave? Should I have carried him to the kitchen with me then back, but then, he wouldn't have liked the sight of that punch to the wall.
"I love you a lot you know that right?"
"I love you more and I know you love me Blane. Don't beat yourself over things you can't change. Let's work our way and trample it okay?"
"Okay!"
"Now we get to feed you soup, a sip of water then get you dressed before the pack."
He frowned but took it all in. Drank all the soup I fed him which meant he'd been somewhat hungry, drank the water then allowed me to help him get dressed before he whined at me for not being in bed with him.
Guess no one's going to R tomorrow then. Good thing I had told Quint not to book the plane tickets until I told him to.
"Do you hate me?"
"No way!"
"I am dirty."
"Not at all. I'd say between us, i am the dirty one, I slept with someone at fourteen."
"You?"
"Yeah me. I thought she was pretty, one thing led to another and we were spending the evening, i didn't like it one bit so I took off and never contacted her again."
"Was she the only one you slept with?"
"Mhm! First and last time I ever did it. After that, I promised myself I'd sleep with someone I wanted to grow old with."
"Then it's great that I also want to see you graying."