I shouldn't overthink this, but this place has a comfort of its own. The fresh air, high walls, few people around, and the dolls. Sometimes it feels like every architect shares the same brain. Most of the structures look very different from the outside but still have the same way of arranging the insides.
"Hey, look, this one is beautiful."
"Yeah, it is."
Nowadays, Sam and I are already good friends. Hanging out every day feels like a daily routine in our lives. Talking on the phone all day, going out together to get some fresh air, grocery shopping, and splurging on fancy items for ourselves. She feels like a childhood friend I've never been separated from. Even though it's only been a few weeks, it's become a regular thing for both of us. Not only that, but these days my days with Nathan also seem to be changing, or so what he said to me. I don't know how much of it is accurate, but I've been feeling happy lately. It's not like him, and I aren't on bad terms, but before, her daily routine was the same—waking up, making breakfast, being alone during lunch, cleaning the house until evening, and finally, our playful sex.
Even the sex started feeling boring. I knew we needed a change. A relationship feels stuck when you don't have anything new to do after a while. Life feels like a loop, you get into habits, sometimes get frustrated because of it, but can't do anything about it. So what would you do? If you're smart enough, you'll talk with your partner, and if you're not, you'll give up on them. I totally like the idea of--.
"Hey, look at this. This one is even prettier than the one before."
"Didn't you tell me you had been here before? Then was that a lie or something?"
"I didn't lie. I've been here about a hundred times, but it's my first time coming here with a friend."
"What about your girlfriend? Don't you go out with her often?"
"We used to, but she's very busy because of her job, and I don't want to make her more stressed."
"You can talk to me if you want to let something out."
"Thanks, but I guess it's just the weather and nothing else."
"Didn't you tell me you had come here before. Then was that a lie or something?"
"I didn't lied I came here like a hundred times, but it's my first time coming here with a friend."
"What about your girlfriend, don't you go out with her often?"
"We used to, but she is very busy because of her job, and I don't want to make her more stressed."
"You can talk to me if you want to let something out."
"Thanks, but I guess it's just the weather and nothing else."
I believed it if this was true, but something isn't right. She looked down and briefly made a disappointed face, then started talking back with a smile, rubbing her left arm. I can tell she's not feeling well. I can't tell if it was my question or her heels. Maybe she's still uncomfortable with me discussing something so private in her life. I should leave her be and avoid bringing up anything that might ruin her mood.
I don't want to do this, keeping secrets from him makes me a little sad. I don't know what to do; he's emotional and so soft. But who am I lying to? I am the wrong one here. I never try to understand her completely and make her feel uncomfortable. And the incident that happened the other night was something I shouldn't have done. After work, making breakfast should be my priority before she wakes up. But I always get sleepy. The night shift always makes me tired, but I can't do anything about it. The other day, my hand even got burned while frying some nuggets for her. But the fatigue lowered my shoulders; I closed my eyes for a bit, and the next thing I knew, I burnt my hand.
"What was that noise again?"
"Nothing, everything's good."
She walked in and looked at my hand. I was trying so hard to suppress my scream of pain. Her face was filled with anger, the usual expression she makes when I do something wrong. I should have learned from my mistakes, but I keep repeating them. Sometimes it seems I do it on purpose, or so she says. Maybe it's actually true. I have always let her down in every way.
"You spilled the ration again. And on it, where is my food? I have to go to work."
"I am sorry, but I guess I can't make breakfast now. Please, can you eat bread and tea today?"
"I don't know how many times I have to repeat this: you are worthless."
"Please forgive me, I promise this won't happen next time."
"Just leave it, I know you never learn from your mistakes. I will eat at a cafe. Just do yourself a favor and clean the house. I don't want to see this mess when I come home."
"You again spilled the ration. And on it, where is my food? I have to go to work."
"I am sorry, but I guess I can't make breakfast now. Please, can you eat bread and tea today?"
"I don't know how many times I have to repeat this: you are worthless."
"Please forgive me, I promise this won't happen next time."
"Just leave it, I know you never learn from your mistakes. I will eat in a cafe. Just do a favor for yourself and clean the house. I don't want to see this mess when I come home."
Not only that, but also the other night, when we were in bed, she told me she had something new for me. She opened the box with so much happiness, and I was curious—could it be a dress? Does she want to try it in a new roleplay?
"Tadaaaa."
"Th-Th-That is a dildo."
"That's right, now turn around."
She was so excited when she told me about it, but I don't want to do it. Using objects actually scares me. I don't want to ruin her mood, but I also don't want to do something like this.
"Julia i don't like this. Please, can we do it simply?"
"I am not asking you. I am telling you. TURN AROUND."
I was scared of this look on her face. I didn't want to, but still, I should do it if it makes her happy. I turned around, and she inserted it in my ass. She started licking me, and I smiled and moaned after that. Around 4 a.m., when Julia had finally gone to sleeping. I pulled out the dildo in the bathroom. She told me not to take it out until I speak. I was in pain, my hip was hurting, and my legs were trembling. I cannot even sit or stand properly. That night I was crying. I came back to bed, but it was all hurting so much that I couldn't sleep.
I don't want to share anything about Julia with Dylan. He is a nice friend, but telling about your relationship problems with other people will only destroy everything. You always need to keep private conversations to yourself and your partner. If I share it with him, then how can I call myself a good girlfriend?
"Hey, look, over there, my favorite one, the toy train."
We both walked towards it, and as I got closer, I could see that there was nothing special. It was a simple train—a black engine with passenger boxes that were blue with yellow stripes on them, just rolling around in a circular path.
We had walked down from the first floor to here. There were many different types of dolls there. Not only that, but many wall paintings too, and she said this was her favorite. It was placed at the right point to view it from the outside. We didn't even need to come in if we only wanted to see this.
But it was her favorite—I could see that clearly.
Her white teeth were visible as she smiled; her bright, big eyes were fixed on it, and her hands were resting on the table near the train. Her face showed curiosity, her lips slightly pressed, stretching her cheeks softly.
Her expression made me curious. I wanted to ask her about it, but I didn't know if it would be good to say anything, as she wasn't comfortable with me.
"Hey, do you know why I like this?"
"..."
"Because it gives me comfort. A sense of peace, the politeness I feel when it moves in the round direction. Watching those wheels, so elegant as the axle that joins them moves back and forth. A feeling you want to keep with yourself till your last breath."
"Is it really that important to you?"
"When I was in 5th class, our teacher gave us an assignment for the holidays. My best friend Lyla and I spent our whole summer vacation making something that would blow everyone's mind. But no matter what we tried to make, we always failed. Sometimes we stuck our hands together, and sometimes everything slid off the base plate.
Then one night, we thought of making a unique space shuttle. We used foil wraps, thermocol, sticky papers, and every unique thing we could find to make it look extravagant and different from the others. We were able to make it before our holidays ended, but just when we thought everything was done, I had the idea of giving it a sweet smell. I took my mom's perfume and sprayed it all over it.
But then—"
"It caught fire, right?"
"Huh, how did you know that?"
"I was just guessing. You said you made it look unique, so I thought you had inserted a small light bulb in it to make it glow, but there might be something you forgot to check as a precaution, and it caught fire."
"It wasn't something predictable. How did you even come up with that guess? Had I told you this story before?"
"No, you have not. But the main question still lurks. Where is the toy train in all of this?"
"After that incident, we both got zero marks for our summer holiday project. We were very sad and cried, not leaving our beds. Then, our fathers came to our room and surprised us with a train set. It was the coolest thing we had ever owned. After that, we stopped crying, and all the tension disappeared from our minds. That was the happiest day of my life. I still miss that time."
"So, where is your friend now? Are you still in touch?"
"No, our friendship ended in 8th grade. We haven't met each other since."
"Why, what happened?"
"A complete silence fell from her side. It wasn't even for a brief moment; I waited for her response for a couple of minutes. It's like I had opened something inside her without even knowing. She was so joyful while telling me about it, but now she was quiet, not even lifting her eyes.
It was the kind of embarrassment you feel when you reveal a promise you made to yourself—something that was never meant to be shared. A feeling of losing the values you had set for yourself.
The topic wasn't a problem in itself, but the whole scenario was."
Wait a minute, why am I thinking too much? It is even related to me. Maybe I am thinking wrong. I should let my mind be stressed because of it. Plus, if I correctly remember, she was the one who wanted to tell me about it. First, she made me curious. Second, she got upset, and what about me? I didn't even get to hear the ending. I feel like I am stuck on a book that has blank white pages. The story is there, but I can't get to read it. Well, but it doesn't mean I have the authority to know everything, it's her life. She's the main character of her own story, and I don't have any choice. Wait-
I suddenly grabbed her wrist and took her outside. She is confused, but I think I know what she wants.
"Hmmphhhhhh. So tasty, thank you. I was craving a burger for so long. I am sorry I suddenly got silent back in there. I wanted to eat something, but didn't know how to say it."
"Relax and eat."
"Oh yeah, the story I should finish, what happened after that."
"You don't need to. I just had a very big monologue of yours. And now my ears are even tired. I think we should call it a day."
"Already, but it's not even 4:00."
Again, she is making that pout face. I always feel annoyed when I see something like this cringeworthy activity. I don't have any right to judge, but it's just my behavioral pattern to respond to something like this. Now what should I do? I am actually tired of roaming into that doll museum, and after this, we have to go grocery shopping. Guess I have no choice.
"Okay, fine lets roam around a bit more, but only for 45 minutes. After that, we need to buy rations. I also need to go to my work."
She nodded with a cute smile. I instantly grabbed my phone and took a photo of her.
"Hey, why did you do that?"
"Now I am going to use it every time you blabber too much."
She's getting red as she hides her face under the tablecloth. It's really fun teasing her.
"Okay, let's go now."
The sun is so bright. It's about time for the notification to pop up, and anytime soon, we have to go back. In the instance, something grabbed my attention in the lake. Two swans were looking cute with each other as they softly bumped their head, making a heart shape. As I think she spoke to me.
"Look at those swans, how cute they are."
"Yeah, they are."
"Let's take a photo of them with us. What do you say?"
"I am a bit of camera shy, so you know, maybe we can drop the idea---"
"Oh, just come here."
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to herself. My head suddenly bumped into her head, and we both felt a little pain. The pain just felt growing as we both screamed in pain.
"Ouch, I told you I don't want a selfie. Let's grab a place to sit."
We walk towards a bench as were patting our heads. She is clumsy sometimes, and sometimes she is too mature. It feels like I am watching two sides of her personality at the same time.
"Is your head still hurting?"
"No, it's fine now."
"I am sorry for bumping into you."
"Don't feel bad and stop saying sorry every time."
"Well, let's enjoy the weather for a couple more minutes and then go to our homes."
Well, watching her in this way, I actually say this every time she looks pretty from the left side. Not only that, but the way she is dressed today. These soft hairs of hers and the bright eyes, the red coat she is wearing having black buttons on it, and the mini skirt inside. I can say one thing: she has a really good sense of fashion. She even wears her makeup so astonishingly perfect way. Her foundation blends in with her skin, the red lipstick making her lips look so plump. I don't know if I ever thought like this, but she is already perfect in her own way. These soft hands, does she do makeup on her hands too?
"Here, have half of it."
I looked at it with question as she took a waffle out of her bag. I never tried them as they did not looked anything special to me. But anyway, trying new things won't hurt you, but it does hurt your pocket.
*Bite*
It is fantastic, it is so creamy and tasty, not only that, the filling is like I am eating a hot ice cream. So delicious. It reminds me of the time when Nathan and I went on our first date together. I was so happy as I was officially dating a gay man. I have nothing to hide from anyone. He treated me like a gentleman. Pulled my chair, asked me what to eat, and gave me a glass of water. It was the first time I experienced what a real date feels like. It felt like he was a pro at it. Many boys could have come into his life. I was nervous and wondering if I was even a good choice for him or not. I asked him, would it be okay if we lived like this? He replied in a gentle but hesitating manner. His hands were shaking, head moved down towards the table. He joined his hands and went into deep thinking. Finally, some words came out of his mouth.
"Do you love me?"
"Yes, I do."
"Then we have nothing to be scared of, but promise me one thing. We will always support each other no matter what."
He held my hands, and I saw him trembling, his eyes were about to be watery. He was leaning before me. At that moment, I understood something. He isn't confident. He is sacred and doesn't know what to do or how to handle situations. He was like me in that moment, but not showing any acting as to be the first man. But from inside, he was afraid of society. At that point, I knew what to do. I held his hands tightly and said,
"Don't worry, we are in this together, and we will figure things out together."
And now it's been 8 years since that moment. We are living like a real couple. Have so many issues, but we always overcome them together. No matter how bad it goes, we will never leave our bond.
All of this made me think about myself, and I forgot about it. She is sleepy as I see her head leaning on me.
"I am so sorry, I am just feeling dizzy."
"Well, who would not. The air being so soft, the grass looking greener than usual, the water waves moving back and forth, and especially the silence from people's voices. It all fits well."
As I was saying it, she again started sleeping. Not only her, but I also feel a bit dizzy, my eyes are tired, my shoulders are loose, my jaw is dropping, and I--.
[Before he knew, he had also gone into deep sleep. She is sleeping on her shoulders while he is comforting himself by keeping his head over her head. She clings to him as she tries to lean on finding comfort like a baby grabs her mother. The breeze really is good. The next thing that happened as she woke up, she saw both arms were wrapped around his.]
The first thing I see as soon as I wake up is his sleepy face. My head is leaning on his shoulder, arms are so tightly grabbing him. He is still sleeping, showing no signs of waking up. The sun is already setting. I can tell it is around 6:00 p.m. The pole lights are already glowing, and bugs are flying around us. But waking him in this position might be rude, not only that i also don't want to wake him. His breathing is shallow, I can hear it. His cold gaze as he inhales air. His heartbeat feels calming, it is giving me a sense of comfort, the comfort I remember as I remember the time I was a kid. When I used to sleep together grabbing each other. His sand colored trench coat, with black buttons on it, rubbing himself against me, is a feeling of comfort I don't want to leave. Not only was the whole day so good with him, but from the day we started spending time together in the afternoon, it has felt so relaxing. I have a smile every time nowadays. He is the greatest friend I have in my life. But I have to leave him now, we both have to go home and get back into our lives until a new afternoon doesn't come.
As I tried to sit properly, he grabbed me with his other hand. Is he really sleeping? Does she have a sleeping tendency of grabbing onto someone, just like I have? Now I think maybe a minute or two won't affect each of us. I can see his arms being all soft and tidy. He is warm like a blanket in winter. Everything is perfect right now. Was he really this handsome from the start, or is it just my imagination? Can't tell, but seeing him like this, as his eyes closed, ears being red, and that drooling mouth.
"Ewwwwk"
He is still sleeping even when I left his support. Okay, so it wasn't like he was grabbing me. Well, it was a relief but a bit of sadness. I started cleaning my clothes and tidying my hair. Not only that, but now these bugs are even annoying me. We need to go before it's much later than this.
I was about to wake him, but he woke on his own. As he stretched his body, he looked at me. I pointed out his drool coming out of his mouth. He wipes it off with his coat, and I feel a little cringe from that.
"Whoa, what's the time now? How much late are we?"
"It's already 6:27 now, maybe we will be late before we get home."
"Well i told you it's a bad idea. Now it will take my whole night to prepare dinner."
"I'm sorry, but I wasn't the only one who slept."
"I even have to buy groceries now, but there's nothing we can do now. Sorry for getting annoyed at you."
"Why don't we both walk to the market together?"
"What?"
"You said you need to buy groceries, let's go, I will help you."
"But don't you have to go back home. Your girlfriend must be worrying about you."
"She might be late tonight. I will help you with groceries, and then I will leave for home."
"Okay, if it suits you."
Well, at least because of this, I can spend some more time with him.
"Not this one, no, not this too. Aren't there many more good girls left in the world? If I didn't find someone i have to be with her. Uhhhhh, she is a headache for me."
"I am back."
"Oh, so here comes the madam. Enjoying like you got a bonus."
She says it with a smirk. Arms over one another, face with anger, the gesture she gives me whenever she is about to hit me.
*Slap*
The thing I was afraid of, she just did it.
"I am sorry, I know I am very late. I will prepare dinner fast and get to my job."
As I walked behind her, she suddenly grabbed my hair. Pulling them with strength. My head hurts so much that it is about to explode. I tried grabbing my hair to loosen them, but she pulled more tightly than before.
"AAaahhhhhh, AAaahhhhh, AAAAAhshhhhh"
"It's my house, so you will not tell me when the food will be prepared and when you will go out."
"I am sorry, I am sorry, I will not do this again."
She left my hair, I wasn't able to be on my feet. It hurts so much, I again made her angry. I should have been more careful. I know how her anger is, but I still make the mistakes she didn't like. As I grabbed my hairband, I saw too many follicles. I can't even see them properly, my eyes are all filled with tears.
"Take your bag and go to your job. I will order something for myself. You don't even earn much in it. Can't you do something profitable for me? Don't even get money for the, and not even come on time. I don't know what to do with you."
"I am so sorry."
"Starting the same shit again, don't you get tired of saying it. Sorry this, Sorry that, sorry, sorry, sorry. I am tired of your apologies. Start correcting yourself and get up from this vulgar act of sorrow. sometimes feel like only screaming at you is not enough. You need a good beating."
*Slap*
*Slap*
*Slap*
"Now get your shit together and leave. I don't want to be your reason for being late. And wait a minute, doesn't your shift start from 8:00?"
"Ye---Ye-Yes."
"And you are coming home at 8:15."
"What should I--"
*Slap*
"Get ready and leave the house. And listen, take a leave tomorrow, I bought some new toys for you. Be ready tomorrow night."
I am not crying, I am not crying, I swear I am not crying. But it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so much. My hairs are all tangled into each other. My face is all red. My lips are dry. I can't stop shaking. I grabbed my head with one hand, and i use other to wipe my tears. It feels embarrassing. I always make her angry, always make her embarrassed. She takes the guilt for me on herself. Not only that, but don't I have any brain? Why can't I do one thing correctly?
I tried to get up, but my legs wouldn't support me. I clung to the wall and started walking toward my room. I took out my clothes and looked in the mirror. The scars on my body are still deep. I couldn't stop my tears from falling. But I have to leave before it's too late. They will fire me, and I will become a burden to her. I took out some new clothes from the wardrobe and unfolded them. I even have a bad scar because after she hit me, she kissed me and bit my lips. I didn't have the courage to stop her, but she was just being romantic. What can I even say to her? Not this one, not even this one. I should wear something simple and long-sleeved. I put on my black hoodie and full pajamas. I wore them and put on a little makeup to hide my scars. No one should see them, or else they will ask stupid questions about how I got them. Can't people just leave someone alone? I don't like it when my coworkers ask that. People like that aren't interested in you, they just try to start a spicy conversation out of someone. To tell them to others, so they can both laugh about it. Yes, everyone is like that; there are no exceptions, or so that's what Julia says.
"Hmmm, what's that smell?"
I sniffed my wrist, and it had the same smell as Dylan's perfume. I guess my scrunchy got it when I was leaning onto him. I smelled it again and again. I felt relieved, relaxed, and all my stress vanished. I can honestly say it now, I am crying.
But now I feel silence in me. I am smiling like before. I grabbed my bag and went out for my part-time job. It was like I forgot what just happened. I again apologized to Julia and ran fast. No matter what happens, as long as I feel like smiling i can forget everything. Maybe the reason was not something, I was just taking it too seriously. From next time i will take more care before going out and even tell Julia before I come back.
[As she runs on the street, she is sad, but still she has a bit of faith in the smile somewhere in herself. Nothing has happened tonight. That's what she said to herself finally.]