'What is love?'
A question many have asked for centuries, yet no one can seem to agree on an answer.
Some say love is an emotion. A feeling you get when your heart races… when your body releases chemicals that make you feel attached to someone, even obsessed.
Others say love is a choice. A commitment you wake up and make every single day, no matter how hard it gets.
But to me,... love is a load of crap.
People can spend months...even years getting to know each other, sharing secrets, making promises, building memories.
And then one day it just ends.
Like the time spent together meant nothing. Like the effort put in meant nothing.
Like it all... meant nothing.
And with every heartbreak, you lose a part of yourself that you can never get back.
Untill there is nothing left. Just emptiness, void.
People say love changes you and they're absolutely right.
It changes you for the worst.
Love changes how you see yourself and everyone around you.
Changes how you perceive the world. You expect less, you think less about yourself and it makes you feel like shit.
It suffocates you untill you can't breath. Worst part is that you don't seem to notice untill it's too late.
You start to wonder if you're not enough or if you did something wrong.
But again,..
Doing nothing wrong,... doesn't mean you did everything right.
I learned that the hard way.
After two years of dating, my girlfriend suddenly breaks up with me, saying I did nothing wrong and that she wants to focus on herself now. Something about being incompatible.
Incompatible?
Then what was the two years for?
We went on dates, I met her parents and we made so many beautiful memories. I had my future pictured and she was in it. She even said the three words. 'I Love You' and as cringe as it sounds, I said it back
Now all of a sudden she just changes her mind.
What kind of bullshit is that?
The worst part of it is that I just said 'okay'.
I didn't argue with her nor did I want to fight for the relationship. I just accepted it because I could tell from her voice that she had given up.
I accepted the fact that I wasn't enough. That she had a sudden change of heart.
I'm not gonna pretend that I'm not some loser because... I am.
A loser in this thing people call love, if it really does exist.
I just don't understand it.
Maybe my lack of understanding is probably why she left me.
Its probably why all my past relationships never work out. It's just the reality of things.
I guess that's why I prefer to dwell in fiction like games.
At least in those, when I fail… I can restart.
And I know beyond doubt that games...will never betray me.
"Earth to Jordan.."
Lucy interrupted my thoughts.
"Jordan, play this game for me"
Her hand extended, revealing a disc with the words, Eternal Academy : Roses of fate, written on it. It was a romance game.
"You know I don't play romance based games, they're boring" I wave her off dismissively.
"Plus the whole love, harem, academy stuff are all cliché. Nothing special"
The controller in my hand slightly vibrated as the word victory flashed across my PC screen.
I placed it down and spun my chair to face her completely.
Lucy wore a stubborn expression, almost angry. Her arms folded and her eyes cold.
My older sister had always had an obsession with romance based games. Dating sims, academy stories, dramatic love plots– she loved them all.
However, this time she seemed way too determined.
"What do you mean boring?" She snapped.
"Romance games are way better than whatever garbage you're playing."
"Yeaaah... Right." I scoffed
"Romance games require zero skill. It's just clicking dialogue choices. And don't even get me started on the stupid harem stuff. It's so unrealistic."
Lucy rolled her eyes.
"Yeah..and your fantasy adventure games are sooo realistic"
"That's besides the point." I shot back. "The point is that it's not a game that requires skill."
Lucy's expression changed.
"This game is different, trust me."
She held up the disc proudly.
"It's not just choices. There's strategy, combat, politics, relationships… The characters feel real. And the story takes place in a royal academy that trains the future knights and mages of the kingdom."
I stretched out a hand.
"Fine... give it to me."
Lucy blinked.
"Wait really?"
"Yeah." I sighed. "You've clearly decided you're not leaving until I try it."
She quickly placed the disc in my hand.
"Why do you want me to play it so badly?" I asked.
Lucy grinned.
"Well,... because no one has ever beaten the game since its release. There's a rumor that the game has no happy ending." she gave an innocent smile, "I'd like to prove it otherwise."
I stared at her a moment longer.
"So basically you want me to do your dirty work and achieve the impossible, right?"
"Yes" she clapped happily. "You catch on quickly. You must be a genius" she laughed.
I sighed and slid the disc into the Xbox.
"You know" I muttered while leaning back in my chair, "I should be paid for this."
"If you want to get paid, you should consider getting a job"
"Nah, you can take care of me sis."
"You're twenty years old, Jordan," she said flatly. "A grown adult. You can't live in my basement forever."
"Why not?"
"What if I get married and my husband dislikes you." She said.
"Lets be realistic, that's not for another hundred years or so"
"Oh shut up" she slapped my shoulder. "Just try to beat the game."
She turned to exit the room.
"Oh,...one more thing" she paused and turned, "please consider going out more and living life."
"I know things have been tough after your break up...but being cramped up in your room isn't doing you any good." She said with a soft smile.
I swung my chair back to the PC.
"Sure."
Her footsteps faded as she walked up the stairs.
I could tell from her voice that she was really worried about me.
The breakup was months ago and yet it seems I haven't gotten my act together.
Honestly, I feel like shit. I find it hard to eat, breathe and my heart hurts every time I think of my ex. But that's probably just my brain playing tricks on me.
'Wish I had dementia about now.'
Being happy or excited for anything feels like acting now. I can't shake of the feeling that something is missing.
The only thing I think about in situations like these is the term "Healing". It's just a bunch of bullshit if you ask me.
'Time will heal you' they say. What they don't say is how you'll never be the same again.
I let out a loud sigh and stared at the ceiling. Tracing the cracks as if they held answers.
The PC screen flickered once drawing my attention.
A logo slowly formed across the monitor.
[Eternal Academy : Roses Of Fate]
Elegant silver letters appeared against a dark background as soft orchestral music began playing. Rose petals drifted across the screen before fading into the title menu.
I leaned forward slightly.
The graphics don't actually seem bad.
There was a quote below the title. I read it out loud.
"If love is fake, then I'd rather live that lie with you"
I stared at the phrase for a moment.
That had to be one of the most cringiest shit quote I've seen in my entire life of gaming.
The developers of this game might have to go see a therapist. Though, I might need one myself.
I clicked x on my controller.
[New Game]
[Load Game]
[Settings]
The game menu popped up.
I clicked new game option without much thought.
Suddenly, a sensation came upon me. My head felt light and dizzy. My vission blurred.
Darkness started to swallow my vision.
The PC screen started to fluctuate and distort. Before I completely blanked out, I manage to make out what was written on the screen.
[Survive]