When dinner finally arrived, everyone was sitting around the table, awkwardly picking at the appetizers in silence.
"Here it is," Berta announced, carrying the massive roasted turkey into the dining room.
"Now that looks delicious," Jake said, complimenting her.
"Well, thanks, Jake. At least somebody appreciates I blew off my family to cook for yours," Berta grumbled, glaring at the silent adults. "Shove over," she told Lenore, forcing her way into a seat at the table.
"Why don't we start by saying what we're thankful for?" Jake suggested, trying to steer away from the awkward tension.
"Oh! Oh, me! I've got one," said Rose, who had casually slipped into the house ten minutes ago despite absolutely not being invited.
She cleared her throat and smiled brightly. "I'm thankful for the food we eat, I'm thankful for the friends we meet, I'm thankful for my comfy seat, I'm thankful for the birdies' feet. White with foam... God bless America!" Rose started singing God Bless America from Kate Smith at the end
"Pull up, Rose," Charlie interrupted as she started singing.
"Sorry," Rose whispered quickly.
"Jake, why don't you go next?" Alan said, eager to move on.
"Sure," Jake said. "I'm thankful for my parents and my grandparents. I'm also thankful for Uncle Charlie, who I believe has the potential to change into a better person."
Charlie immediately looked at Lisa, nodding his head emphatically as if to say, Did you hear that?
"Well said, son," Alan beamed. "And I'm grateful that I can spend the holiday with the people I love, and all the people that love me," he added, looking warmly around the table.
"I'm thankful I'll be dead someday, and you'll all feel horrible you weren't nicer to me," Evelyn declared, already a couple of martinis deep.
"And I'm thankful that our daughter gave us at least one grandchild before she—" Lenore suddenly broke down into loud sobbing before she could finish the sentence. Sheldon immediately wrapped an arm around her to comfort her.
"I'm thankful I have a great therapist," Judith said flatly, briefly glancing at Jake, who gave her a subtle, knowing nod.
"Well, I'm thankful I can sit here and listen to you rich people whine while my family is scrambling for corn dogs at the Pomona fairgrounds," Berta said, before shoving a chunk of appetizer into her mouth.
"Charlie?" Lisa prompted him gently, looking over.
"No, you first," Charlie deflected, avoiding her gaze.
"Um... well, I'm thankful for you. I hope you'll always be my friend," Lisa said sincerely.
"Okay. Well, I'm thankful for you too," Charlie sighed heavily. "And I'm thankful for everybody coming together today as unwitting participants in my desperate charade."
"Amen," Rose added brightly.
"Okay, maybe I should carve the turkey," Alan said, standing up to break the tension.
"I'll handle that for you, son," Sheldon said, standing up as well.
"No, you sit down. I'll do it," Evelyn commanded, reaching for the carving knife.
"No, Mom, I can do it," Alan insisted.
"Don't be ridiculous."
"No, listen, it's fine!"
The three of them started bickering over the turkey, hands grappling near the carving set.
"Okay, everybody stop!" Charlie suddenly shouted, jumping to his feet. "Mom, give me the knife."
"Charlie, don't be silly, you don't know how to carve a turkey," Evelyn dismissed him.
"Maybe not, but I'm the head of this household, and the head of the household is supposed to carve the turkey!"
"Why? Because you saw it on a TV show?" Evelyn reproached him. "I swear, you are just like your father."
"No, I am not just like my father! My father was afraid of you. I'm not!" Charlie declared boldly, before his voice cracked slightly. "...Anymore." He glanced sideways at Lisa. "Okay, so there was one unresolved issue."
"Charlie, now you are being foolish. Give me the knife and sit down," Evelyn said, exasperated.
"Back off, lady!" Charlie yelled, raising the carving knife at her. "Every Thanksgiving, you took the knife away from Dad! And when you did that, you took away his manhood! Well, you are not gonna take it away from me!"
Charlie started frantically hacking into the turkey like a madman, sending shreds of meat flying across the table.
"There! See?! It's carved! With my manhood!" he shouted, panting as he finally gave up and dropped the knife.
He suddenly spun around to face Lisa. "Lisa, marry me."
"Marry you? You want me to marry you?" Lisa asked, completely bewildered.
"Yes! You know... eventually," Charlie added awkwardly.
Jake took a slow sip of his water. "It's like a car crash," he muttered to himself. "You just can't look away."
Shortly after that, Lisa politely excused herself. Uncle Charlie saw her out before retreating directly to his room, leaving the rest of the family sitting in stunned silence around the mutilated turkey.
...
Three months quickly passed, and Charlie was suddenly confronting a brand-new problem: he was completely broke.
His reckless spending habits had finally caught up to him.
"Huh. So it finally happened," Jake remarked, looking up from his laptop.
"I'm sorry?" Charlie asked, rubbing his temples, not knowing what Jake was referring to.
"You're broke," Jake explained flatly.
"How could you possibly know that?" Charlie asked, staring bewildered at his nephew.
"Oh boy, if you could get inside my head, that would be the least surprising thing you'd find," Jake said cryptically. "But don't worry. I've got you covered."
"What do you mean, 'covered'?" Charlie asked, desperate for a lifeline.
"I've been siphoning off a part of the money we made from our sports bets and buying physical gold with it. Go check the garage. There's a wooden box out there," Jake instructed.
Charlie's eyes lit up. He quickly scrambled off the couch and sprinted toward the garage just as Alan walked into the living room.
"What happened?" Alan asked, watching his brother sprint out the door.
"Oh, I've been saving up some of the money Uncle Charlie had before he went broke," Jake said calmly.
"Oh? Where?" Alan asked, raising an eyebrow.
Before Jake could answer, Charlie walked back into the living room holding two dirty shovels. He looked incredibly confused.
"Hey, there were just two shovels in the box," Charlie said, holding them up. "No gold."
Alan stared at the shovels, then slowly turned his head to look at his ten-year-old son, his face draining of color as he realized exactly what was about to happen.
"Oh, no," Alan groaned.