It's the year X in the golden age of space travel.
Having made contact with alien life, humans eventually became exemplars of interplanetary trade. Alas, however hard they tried, one item of distribution remained perpetually out of their reach...
Alien porn magazines!
These catalogues of world-shattering knowledge were completely off limits, for some alien porn mags were rated only for those aged 200 and over. Making them impossible for normal humans to obtain.
These were truly trying times...
However, like a light among the darkness, heroes known as the Porn Magazine Delivery Service took to the scene!
Braving the perilous dangers ahead, they are specialist who have honed their art in slipping through space customs.
This game... a game about becoming one such erotic magazine hunter and carrying your contraband all the way to the goal. A battle spanning the entire cosmos, all to obtain those forbidden archives!
( ◞•̀д•́)◞◟(•̀д•́◟ )
Both Caelus and Nico were locked in an intense staredown as they each held a number of cards in their hands, the former had a look of grievance on his face, while the latter seemed to be in a state of high triumph.
"It seems you won't be catching up to me anytime soon, Caelus." Nico smiled sharply with an ominous shadow looming over his face before holding his open hand towards the person in question. "Hand over the porn mags, buddy."
"Damnit..." Caelus, with gritted teeth, hesitated before passing over one of the cards in his hand into Nico's. "It's only a temporary lead, my revenge arc is only just beyond the horizon!"
"Really?" Nico laughed mockingly. "With your 250,000 to my 800,000 porn mags, victory for you seems like a pipe dream."
"Kuh-!"
While Nico and Caelus were having their 'conflict', the other members of the Astral Express all had their own reactions to the situation. Himeko was drinking her coffee on one of the nearby seats, speechless and utterly confused.
Sunday, along with Dan Heng, didn't seem to be currently present, most likely in their own isolation here on the express, like they always have been. Pom Pom, as usual, was busy keeping the cabin in pristine condition.
As for Welt and March, they were both seated at the table with the two chaos makers.
The former had a stiff smile on his seemingly calm face, blinking at the ridiculous board game on the table. It was an incredibly simple board game with few unique elements, the only thing that made it stand out was its... perverted theme.
He had been invited by Caelus and the express's newest addition to play, and he agreed simply because he hadn't much to do at the time, but he honestly couldn't help but feel great regret having agreed to play such a game.
"I can't believe you guys managed to convince me to play this game with you..." March felt her eye twitch constantly as her eyes were shadowed, a rather dead look in them. "You even dragged Mr Yang into this."
"Of course, it's way more fun to play with others," Nico responded with nonchalance. "Just Caelus and I playing would get boring pretty quickly."
Caelus, agreeing with Nico's words, placed both hands on his hips. "That's right! Board games are made for playing with friends and family!"
"Yeah... if the theme of the game wasn't so perverted!" March shouted as she shot up from her seat before smacking both hands on the table, causing the pieces to fly up before somehow landing back in the same exact position. "Also, why am I this character?!"
With her face flushing red in shame, March pointed a shaking finger at something on the table, which was revealed to be a card with the image of what looked to be a pink-coloured octopus-like alien.
As in many board games, this game also had ways for players to distinguish themselves from others, a unique identity of sorts. In this game, it took the form of characters with backstories tied to the game's plot, written on their respective cards.
Though the so-called backstories weren't the most creative.
For the current players, they were as follows:
◈ Nico - [Character: Joe] [Backstory: He loves porn books]
◈ Caelus - [Character: Mr Kids] [Backstory: He's lying about his age]
◈ Welt - [Character: Master] [Backstory: He knows all about porn books. A mysterious master]
◈ March - [Character: Pervender] [Backstory: A pervert]
"Calling someone a pervert should not be considered a backstory! Aside from Mr Yang's character, none of ours sounds like backstories!" March exclaimed in outrage. "Why did I have to be the pervert?! Give me the other remaining character!"
"How's that our fault?" Caelus blinked as he shrank back due to the sheer anger March displayed. "You were the one who grabbed the card. If anything, we're the innocent ones in this situation..."
"Even then, you technically have an advantage... in lore at least."
"Excuse me...?"
"Hear me out!" Nico sweatdropped when March's face turned to him with a feral glare. "Out of the characters, only your character is alien. In lore, it gives you a massive advantage as only aliens can live for centuries in their universe."
As if being charmed by his own words, Nico nodded his head with a look of deep understanding. He then gave March a thumbs up as stars sparkled around his eyes, and his eyes became clear and full of understanding.
"That means... You have the highest chance of getting the most porn mags in the end!"
"I DON'T WANT THAT!"
ヽ༼ ◣益◢ ༽ﾉ
"Alright, calm down, everyone." Coughing into his fist a few times, Welt tried to change the topic before March could tear the two young males apart into tiny pieces. "March, just think of it as a way to help get Nico comfortable here on the express."
"With... a game about porn mags?"
"That...uh..."
"Okay. I think that's enough for now, you four." With clear amusement in her voice, Himeko interrupted them as she walked over. "We'll be warping soon, remember? Why don't you all go and make sure you have everything ready before we head off?"
"Oh yeah, you said we're going to that Plandandacaydeedee or something!" Nico, after hearing Himeko's words, immediately perked up before hopping out of his seat. "Let's go, Caelus. You still need to show me your room! I'm your new roommate!"
"Okay!" Caelus hopped out of his seat too. "Let's go, roomie!"
With that, both Caelus and Nico ran off in a similar fashion as cartoon characters, their legs spinning like wheels and a trail of dust somehow being kicked up as they ran off towards where the party car was.
While doing so, they were both chanting 'Field Trip' as they ran off.
"Pom Pom thinks that Nico may be even more chaotic than Caelus..." Pom Pom, who was simply cleaning, couldn't help but comment as he watched the duo in question disappear to the other cabin. "Now, with both of them..."
Although Pom Pom didn't finish his words, the other three Astral Express members all knew what he wanted to say, and they couldn't agree more. Himeko and Welt merely smiled, albeit with some concern, and March could only sigh heavily.
Though, she soon looked back down in front of her...
"Wait, they left this perverted game here for us to deal with?!"
xXx
Of course, true to his nature, Nico didn't immediately start packing responsibly. Instead, he was smashing the buttons on an arcade machine that Caelus had standing in his large room near his bed.
"Boom, new high score!"
"What, how?!" Caelus couldn't help but feel like his entire existence was a lie as the new high school Nico had just obtained flashed on the arcade machine's display. "It took me an entire week to beat my previous score..."
Yet, here was Nico.
After learning the controls and the game's premise, he beat his previous high score on his first try. It didn't stop there either, every subsequent turn, Nico would break the previous new record he'd set.
It didn't help either that even Nico's lowest score was a good deal higher than Caelus's highest.
"Don't be ashamed, my friend. It takes years to hone your skills as a gamer." Nico explained as he patted Caelus on the shoulder. "In any case, you got any food in your fridge? Or are you a true gamer and only have energy drinks in there?"
"Huh? Oh, I have a few things, but not much."
"Let's see..." Nico walked over to the kitchen before opening the fridge door. "Wow, you weren't kidding. With how many books you seem to have around the kitchen, I'd figured you'd have been into cooking."
"The magazines?" Caelus blinked as he looked at the stacked magazines around the kitchen. "With how we're always travelling to different worlds, wouldn't it be a shame not to see what potential food I could try?"
"True that." Nico nodded, then randomly took one of the magazines and skimmed through it. "Xianzhou Luofu cuisine? Let's see here. Songlotus Cake, Tuskpir Wrap... oh, this Immortal Delight thing looks good!"
"I'd be careful with that," Caelus warned as Nico glanced at him curiously. "I've tried it before, it's insanely sweet. Not to mention the number of calories in a single cup."
"Insanely sweet and full of calories? Sounds right up my alley!" Nico grinned as he looked at the article page featuring a large image of the beverage. "Then let's not waste time, let's go get ourselves a cup each!"
"Right now?" Caelus blinked. "We're heading to Planarcadia in like an hour!"
"Shit, you're right." Nico immediately calmed down after hearing this, so fast that Caelus wondered if his previous enthusiasm was just a product of his own imagination. "However, I will not let our schedule prevent me from at least tasting it!"
Before Caelus could say anything, Nico suddenly took out what looked to be a massive dark grey pelican case. Placing it on the table with a loud bang, Nico quickly opened it with swift movements.
"What's this...?" Caelus leaned over before tilting his head in confusion. "Spoons?"
Unlike anything you'd expect to find in such protective cases, true to his words, Caelus found an unbelievable number of silver teaspoons inside. The total number of them was impossible to say, but they were at least enough to fill the case to the brim.
"Not just any spoons, my friend. I received these as a reward from one of the games I played in the past, just like what we did before." Nico explained as he took one out from the case. "These are Sampling Spoons. Observe and be amazed!"
Although confused, Caelus watched as Nico used the spoon to scoop into the magazine. More specifically, into the image of the Immortal's Delight. To his shock, the spoon phase right through, even creating a small ripple on the page's surface.
His shock only increased further when Nico retracted the spoon, and unlike when it entered the page, it came out filled with a creamy confection, along with two small black tapioca balls balancing on top of the cream.
"Huh?"
"Confused?" Nico grinned after seeing Caelus's expression. "This is the incredible power of the Sampling Spoon! Each spoon can only be used once for every picture, but it allows you to taste and kind of food in an image once per spoon!"
Without hesitation, Nico handed one of the other spoons from the crate to Caelus before shoving his filled spoon into his mouth. He didn't just swallow the contents, though, instead savouring the flavour.
"Hmm..." Nico soon made a bold and unrestrained evaluation. "This shit is weak."
Looking at Nico, Caelus took the spoon he was given and also scooped it into the magazine. Just like with Nico, the magazine had no resistance against the spoon as Caelus soon pulled out a spoonful of the Immortal's Delight's contents.
Upon tasting it, Caelus couldn't help but widen his eyes as the unbelievable amount of sweetness invaded his taste buds. A complete contrast to Nico, who had no reaction whatsoever.
"Are you guys finished packing yet? We're warping soon!"
Without even waiting for a response, March barged her way into the room as she opened the door. Upon walking in, she looked confused to see the two males in the kitchen with a massive pelican case on the counter.
"What is this...?"
xXx
With only a few minutes before departure, the entire crew gathered in the party car of the Astral Express. This time, Dan Heng and Sunday were present, with the former reading a book silently at the bar whilst the latter was with Welt having a peaceful drink courtesy of Shush.
"Nico, what are you doing?" March questioned when she saw their newcomer doing leg stretches near the bar of the party car. "Seeing you stretching like this gives me a feeling that you're about to do something crazy..."
"Is that what you think of me?" Nico raised an eyebrow when he heard those words. "I'm offended, March. I'm just getting myself ready to jump right before the Express warps, and theoretically, if I'm successful, I'll smack right into the back of the party car."
"..."
March once again felt herself become speechless.
How was that not the definition of something crazy?
"Won't that hurt?" Caelus asked with some concern as he walked over next to March. "I mean, March has tried many times to remain standing whenever we warp, but I don't think she's ever tried jumping before."
"Of course not, that's stupid!" March held both sides of her hips as she shook her head. "The only thing more painful would be getting smashed into by the Express head-on! You'd have to be a freak to come out without injuries!"
"...Didn't Nico do that?"
"..."
[Attention, passengers. The Express is about to make the jump. Please be seated and hold on!]
[Destination: Planarcadia! Let's go!]
"Oh shoot, here we go!" Nico grinned as he stopped stretching, jumping back a few meters as both March and Caelus watched him bend down into a ready-to-jump position. "Prepare yourselves, this is the jump of the century!"
Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ
[The train is about to make the jump!]
[5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
[1]
"And... JUMP!"
With his arms in the air, Nico jumped up as a blue protective veil of light washed over the entire party car. Soon after, the Express began to accelerate in a near instant. Because of this, before Nico could land, the Express shot forward.
"Ahhh! Oh shi- GUH!"
"NICO~!"
Since they were in mid-warp, neither March nor Caelus could immediately check on Nico. Fortunately, it wouldn't take long before the Express would eventually start slowing down upon covering the warp distance.
Only after the warp jump was successful were the two able to properly stand back up, their lack of preparation before the jump causing them to stumble over and topple onto the ground upon warping.
"Ow, that hurt...! I-Is that Planarcadia?" March widened her eyes as she saw a discoball-like planet outside the window, one that the Express was now quickly approaching. "It looks just like a weird discoball!"
"Woah..." Caelus couldn't help but marvel as well, though he quickly remembered. "Wait, what about Nico?!"
"There he is...!"
March pointed her finger as Caelus followed with his eyes, and they were both looking up at the roof of the party car near the end, toward the passenger cabin. Nico was firmly planted against the ceiling face-up.
"Mm... Mmm... MMmmm~!"
With muffled groans, Nico used his arms to forcefully pry himself off the roof.
After a few attempts, Nico managed to loosen himself enough, and his body finally obeyed the laws of gravity and physics, causing him to drop heavily onto the ground next to March and Caelus.
"Th-That was fucking awesome...!" Nico spoke with a bit of a slur in his voice as he stumbled back onto his feet. "Are we here yet... at Planarcadia?"
"Seems like it."
Caelus smiled before nodding. He then glanced towards the window, where they could see that the Express had now descended from orbit and was now descending through the skies of Planarcadia.
Hearing this, Nico stumbled his way over to the window with the other two following close behind. Upon arriving at the window, the three of them could only widen their eyes at the miraculous view that greeted them.
Aside from the wide cityscape down below, there was even a floating island they could see in the distance. The numerous clouds, while obscuring, also added incredible beauty to the world.
However, none of it could compare to the moon that was quite literally staring at them while wearing a pair of pixelated sunglasses. Heck, it was even wearing some kind of crown that looked like the ass-side of a rocket ship's boosters.
"Woah, what kind of moon is that?!" March couldn't help but exclaim as she leaned closer to the window. "It's alive and everything!"
"Is it looking at us?" Caelus blinked when he saw the moon turn its eyes towards them as they descended through the sky. Of all the worlds he'd been to, such a sight was truly... incredible in many ways. "I think it's looking at you, Nico."
"..."
"Nico?"
March and Caelus seemed confused by the silence they received, completely unbefitting of the individual they were speaking to. Turning their heads, they saw Nico staring with narrowed eyes of suspicion at the moon.
"Nico?" March blinked with confusion and a hint of concern. "Is something wrong?"
"Hmm..." Nico didn't respond, instead opting to give a small sound of contemplation as he seemed to be thinking deeply about something. "Is this the Festival of Termina, but SFW edition? That moon is giving me bad vibes."
"Festival of Termina?" Caelus tilted his head in confusion, March doing the same. "What is that?"
"Something from a video game I played quite some time ago had a weird-looking moon with a face as well. Though, way creepier looking than this one." Nico explained simply, crossing his arms over his chest. "From my experience in games, the moon always has some kind of bad malevolent secret behind it!"
"Isn't that a bit much?" March felt doubtful as she looked back out at the moon. "Maybe it's just your imagination."
"Hmm..."
As if feeling Nico's look of suspicion, the moon didn't have much of a change of reaction as it turned to look at the former. It then lowered its body in a bow before giving him a nod along with a cheeky grin.
(⌐▀͡ ∀ ▀)
"...!"
（ #▽д▽）
"This guy definitely just gave me the stink eye, I know it!" Nico yelled with a bulging tick mark on the side of his head. Out of nowhere, he took out a rocket launcher and aimed it at the moon. "Open this window, I'm blowing this fucker to the next galaxy!"
"Pfft..! Wh-Where'd you get a rocket launcher?!" March and Caelus widened their eyes into saucer plates as they saw the weapon in Nico's arms. "You can't just blow up the moon! Put that thing away...!"
Caelus looked at the launcher in doubt. "Can it even destroy something as big as a moon?"
"That's not the point...!" March felt a new headache forming. "Put it away before you blow a hole in the side of the Express!"
"I will... after I fire one at that asshole!"
"NOT HAPPENING!"