Every morning, I feel like a strange person.
I often wonder what type of person I was before I became blank. After a week of getting used to myself, I've started to suspect that the "old me" was probably a weird, difficult person. It's an unfamiliar feeling, being out of place even in your own skin, seeing a face in the mirror that doesn't match the person you imagine yourself to be.
Any normal person would have panicked. It's a normal human instinct to seek comfort and a safe haven; panic is just the brain saying, "Oh shoot, this is not where we're meant to be." But my brain doesn't scream. It just tunes itself. It says, "That's it, we've slept enough. Get your ass off the bed."
By instinct, my eyes go to the calendar near the bed. Today marks one week of my three-month cruise vacation—no memories, no identity. Sometimes I doubt myself. Am I a normal person or an escaping criminal? If it's the latter, I guess that's why I'm so calm. Wouldn't it be tragic if the "past me" committed a crime and the "present me" got caught for being useless?
I'm just a doll. A puppet. What is a puppet? I guess I will find out.
It feels fitting. I can instinctively perform my basic hygiene without searching for instructions. I don't need to ask how to brush my teeth or the difference between male and female. I know these things by feel, but I still "search online" to check the information. I need a logical reaction. I need to be sure I'm not creating false knowledge in this newly blank brain.
The problem isn't that I've forgotten how to be human. The problem is that I can't stay human for very long. Information leaks out of me like water through a cracked jar. If I don't repeat a fact, if I don't write it down , the moment it happens, it's gone.
I am a person who requires a constant "refresh" button.
I sit at the edge of the bed and look at my hands. They look capable. They look like they belong to someone who knows exactly what they are doing. But I know the truth: in an hour, I might forget the specific shade of the ocean outside that window unless I describe it to myself right now.
And all this just feels extremely strange .
.I guess..