"Onyx"
Ever had a bad day and life mysteriously makes it even worse, thats how I felt right then.
Thats how I felt that day 14 years ago. Again, thats how I felt today as I headed into that funeral office for another time in my life.
The ones who pass leave the pain to those who live. I stared at that coffin in front of me, watching my aunt cry as Pixie stared blankly. It was too sudden. Not even a goodbye, no warning. That's how life really is.
There were no warning signs, none that I saw. It came suddenly. She was just here yesterday.
I felt a deep guilt watching Pixie look at the photo of her. She was just talking about wanting to play with her again, now she never will. How many times will I watch her lose her family. Why is it people like me survive?
My aunt glared at me, viewing me and my father's memory as the cuase of all of this. To be fair, maybe I am. Maybe I am a curse like the Akkorokamui believe.
Every culture, tribe, or family has some sort of origin story. Ours is one of heavy tribulations I've always heard of.
Beings like me didn't once exist. We weren't all dangerous firstbornes. The time beings like me came to be marked a very dark day in our history. Why did she have to die? She was innocent, unlike my strict aunt, she was the picture of sweetness. Someone Pixie looked up to fondly.
I watched the both of them stare blankly, ripped from their loves once again. My aunt may not be a good person in many ways, but she loved her wife sincerely. The only person who tied her to this world and the only reason she became closed off like this.
As for Pixie, she now lost someone who finally welcomed her when I took her in. That timeline in which I was scared for her future, that aunt made her feel as at home as I or Myst had.
After the funeral I was pulled to the side by the business people wanting to talk about inheritance and allocating the company shares. Had they no empathy? Could it not wait til at least the day was done?
Sadly life goes on. It doesn't wait for you to breathe, you must do so anyway. I wondered if I would ever find such a peace in the meaningless of existence. The meaning I assigned was living on so I could care for beings like Pixie.
However no matter what I tried, it always seemed to get worse.
Pixie and my aunt came in. My aunt eager to start a fight. Aunt Hana looked at me with a deep sorrow not knowing where to direct her wrath.
"It's your fualt, she wouldn't have killed herself if not for you" she spat at me angerly.
People from the company turned to watch the commotion. For some reason Abyss's face was in the crowd. Maybe Pixie asked him to come. People like us shouldn't get close to people like him after all, no matter how sweet they are. No matter how special. Being near me hurts others.
"Aunt Hana please, don't make Pixie listen to this" I said trying to get her to leave the room.
"Enough with protecting the kid! She's not even one of us! She had no status, no name, and no importance. Unlike your own family which you always have forsaken!" She said tears streaming down from her eyes.
I looked at her feeling a deep pain cut in my chest. I had only ever tried to care for them. I did everything for them. "I didn't ask to be born!!! I didn't ask for this! If I'm such a curse couldn't you just let me die than to suffer like this!" I said emotionally.
The entire building had gone silent now. "Don't you give Wasan Group one more reason to displace you" she said in an angry hushed voice before storming away. Trying to now maintain her composure.
I knew this arguement was far from over. I felt so tired. I needed to take my meds or anything, something to stabilize me.
I found myself hardly hobbling out of there. I am not even really sure how I got outside.
I sat there for a while on some bench. Taking deep breaths. "Deep breaths" I kept reminding myself.
I stayed there for a long while. Feeling my world crumble a bit. "I need rest, I need a break. That break never comes. I can't even go to the sea" I thought. This place wasn't home, doubtful it would ever be.
I knew I needed to collect myself so that I could calm down Pixie. I couldn't seem to when Abyss approached me tentatively. He wasn't sure if he should. He was hesitant to speak or touch me. He kneeled down and patted my knee. Looking at me with geniune worry. The eyes of someone who knows what loss is like.
The darkness swirled within them now replaced by a touch of indifference. A cold look that sometimes crept into his face.
A small tear dripped onto my cheek. I wouldn't all out cry just that one tear. He didn't say anything then but just hugged me now, closing the gap between us.
My thoughts were running 500 km an hour. My thoughts spiraling down a dark tunnel, but when he hugged me, oh when he hugged me. Suddenly the world seemed to quiet. I could hear both our breaths in that quiet moment, feeling his faster heartbeat.
It just went quiet. Peaceful, warm, right. I wanted to cling to that safe haven. I knew logically it wasn't appropriate with my employee, especially someone I barely got to know properly yet.
I don't know why he stood out to me. Why I felt like I could finally cry safely in his arms. The pressure was taking over me, the pain I had hidden so long. The way I had to be okay. "I am okay." I thought to myself. I must be. I always am.
"It's okay to cry" he slowly decided to speak, patting me.
"Is it my fualt Abyss, am I the problem? Why wasn't it me who died?" I now cried into his shoulder. He seemed unsure what to say or do. He had never seen me like this and now I'm crying on his shoulder. It didn't even make sense, my life or why I was like this.
"Why would it be your fualt" he replied looking at me with deep eyes. Somthing in them actually asking some sort of question. Trying to understand me.
"Because she wasn't happy, they said the guilt of stuff my family did made her kill herself. They said maybe she met people our family hurt before and then left this world. That they might have hurt her for revenge and now they think it's my fualt" I said spilling out the words and trying to catch my breath but hurting.
Abyss's eyes went dark on me, a cloud passing over his face. He looked away briefly with a confused face. Maybe I had said too much? Did I hurt him too?
He turned back to me before patting me again closely "you can't predict the future can you?" He asked, I shook my head solemnly.
It may be true I can't predict but I should have known to heal her. Something or anything but I wasn't there.
"Since you can't don't blame yourself you couldn't have known to prevent. I get it I do... I used to blame myself for things wishing I knew better but thats how life is, we can only do our best with the knowledge we have." He said to me gently.
"I just... I hate myself so much Abyss. It hurts living like this. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't help but do exactly that. It should have been me who left this world not her." I said feeling the need to talk.
Abyss hugged me tighter, "there is no should have in this world. Why do you say you're less important." He said looking in my eyes with concern.
My emotions seemed to settle a little with him. I wanted to hold him and fall asleep and not think of the world. Somewhere Pixie, Him and myself could all go to get away.
"You did the best you could in that situation. If I was in your shoes right now would you want me to blame myself?" He asked.
"No...." I replied.
He patted my knee, "well there you are, that's your answer. When youre hurting, look at it from other peoples perspective. Nothing you did or your family did towards your aunts feelings is your fault. She made a choice. What about Pixie, how might she be feeling? What if she said something like you are right now. You'd hate that. The emotions you feel are real, including the love you had for her. Don't let grief drown you and that out" he said.
I looked down solemnly before he said, "sorry I'm not good at this comforting stuff."
I shook my head, "no no! You are, just a hard day but life goes on right?" I said.
He smiled at me softly, "right."