The problem started because Ramon refused to wash the car like a normal person.
"It's just dust," he said, slouched in the driver's seat of the family's black SUV while Ant stared at the windshield in disgust. "The car still drives."
"You cannot even see through half this shit," Ant said. "It looks like we commute through curses."
Nyla was in the backseat taking selfies. "The hood literally says WASH ME, BITCH."
Milo dragged a finger through the dirt on the window and wrote HELP.
Vice sat in the cup holder eating dry cereal. "I support the grime. It gives the vehicle character."
Celeste, from the passenger seat, turned slowly toward Ramon. "Take this car somewhere. Today."
So now, against his will and everybody else's peace, Ramon had driven them to a sketchy late-night spot off Black Lantern Plaza called:
SHINE & REPENT AUTO SPA
Full Service. Exterior Blessing Included.
Ant read the sign twice. "Why the fuck would a car wash include repentance?"
The building looked wrong. Too shiny. Too quiet. Blue lights glowing under the awning. A smiling cartoon sponge painted on the wall with human teeth that were way too detailed.
Milo pointed. "The sponge looks hungry."
"Great," Ant muttered.
A skinny teenager in a soaked uniform waved them forward with dead eyes. "Welcome to Shine & Repent. Basic wash, deep cleanse, or truth rinse?"
Celeste sat up straighter. "Truth what?"
The kid blinked slowly. "Truth rinse. Most popular package."
"No," Ant said immediately.
Ramon rolled his eyes. "We're not scared of soap."
Vice leaned toward Ant. "Famous last words from dirty men."
Before anybody could stop him, Ramon pulled up and shouted, "Basic wash."
The kid looked at the family, then at the car, then back at Ramon. "That won't be enough."
Nyla frowned. "Why did he say that like the car has secrets?"
The gate lifted.
The SUV rolled forward on the track.
Then locked in.
Ant sat up. "Why did it make that sound?"
All the doors clicked shut.
Everybody froze.
The teenager's voice crackled over the speaker system. "Upgraded automatically to truth rinse. Congratulations."
The first spray hit the windshield like blue fire.
Vice screamed. "THE SOAP IS JUDGING ME!"
Inside the tunnel, rainbow foam slithered over the glass while giant rotating brushes spun toward them like fluffy murder weapons. Weird church music played through hidden speakers. Then a smooth female voice filled the car:
WELCOME, UNCLEAN PASSENGERS. FOR A BETTER SHINE, PLEASE RELEASE ALL FALSEHOODS.
Ant stared ahead. "Nope. Nope. I hate every part of this."
A red light flashed over Ramon's seat.
DRIVER HAS SAID 'I KNOW A SHORTCUT' 82 TIMES. 76 WERE LIES.
Nyla folded over laughing.
Celeste covered her face.
Ramon pointed at the dashboard. "This machine is disrespectful."
The car wash continued.
FRONT PASSENGER HAS THREATENED TO 'KEEP THE PEACE' 143 TIMES. TRUE INTENT: DOMINATION.
Celeste's expression did not change.
"Accurate," Nyla said.
Celeste slowly turned her head. "Careful."
The brushes slapped against the windows.
Water thundered over the roof.
Then another red light flashed.
REAR PASSENGER NYLA HAS SAID 'I'M JUST SAYING' BEFORE STARTING 211 CONFLICTS.
Ant choked laughing. "That is your catchphrase!"
Nyla sat up straight. "This car wash is a federal informant."
Milo got his own alert next.
MINOR PASSENGER HAS FED 9 NON-HUMAN ENTITIES USING HOUSEHOLD SILVERWARE.
Milo hugged Pebble tighter. "They were hungry."
Vice puffed up as the speaker chimed again.
DEMON PET HAS LICKED 34 PUBLIC CONDIMENT SURFACES.
The whole car recoiled.
Ant gagged. "What the fuck?"
Vice looked offended. "I'm adventurous, not immoral."
Now Ant's seat lit up.
He braced himself.
ANTHONY VARELA HAS CHECKED HIS REFLECTION IN DARK SCREENS, WINDOWS, SPOONS, AND AIR FRYER DOORS 57 TIMES THIS WEEK.
Silence.
Then Nyla screamed laughing.
Celeste laughed.
Even Ramon laughed.
Ant grabbed the seatbelt across his chest like he'd been shot. "That is not— that number is inflated."
ALSO, SUBJECT PRETENDS TO LOOK FOR SNACKS WHEN HE ACTUALLY WANTS ATTENTION.
"OH MY GOD," Nyla yelled.
Ant pointed at the speakers. "Open the fucking doors!"
The lights inside the tunnel turned red.
The voice returned, calmer now.
FINAL STAGE: DEEP RINSE. REMAIN HONEST OR VEHICLE SHAME WILL ESCALATE.
Outside the windows, the soap began forming words in the foam.
RAMON ATE CELESTE'S CAKE SLICE.
NYLA SENT THE SCREENSHOT.
ANT STILL THINKS HE CAN SING.
Ant went still. "Now hold on."
Ramon looked in the rearview mirror. "You sent the screenshot?"
Nyla shrugged. "Mimi was being annoying."
Celeste stared at Ramon. "You ate my cake?"
Vice whispered, "This is better than TV."
The dryers kicked on with the roar of judgment itself.
By the time the doors finally unlocked, the SUV was spotless, the family was yelling, and nobody trusted anybody.
The soaked teenager handed Ramon a receipt through the window.
At the bottom it read:
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING SHINE & REPENT. SEE YOU AGAIN, LIARS.
Ant snatched it, stared, then looked up at the glowing sign.
"Never again."
Vice licked a water droplet off the dashboard. "I don't know. I learned a lot."