I sigh as I finally finish lowering myself from my perch on Jason's dragon. He snickers, and I flip him off in response.
"Alright, now… let's solve this maze," I say with a grin.
-At that moment, there's a flash of light, and we're once again standing in the driving rain as the Labyrinth disappears.
"Hm, hm… nice job, Master. You really are a genius," Jason says, nodding.
"I'll punch you again."
A few feet away, I can see my other companions looking around with slight confusion on their faces.
"Hm… guess that means you guys took down that Minotaur?" Cu asks. "Seriously, why didn't you just use a Command Spell? There was no reason for you to get that banged up, Master."
Come to think of it, I do look a little bruised, but- "Nah, all my injuries are Jason's fault."
"You swung first and second. You don't get to complain when I don't just sit and take the third hit," He rolls his eyes.
"Um, so you are Jason after all? I didn't recognize you at first," Mash says.
"Heh, that's right! This is my true handsome face!" He says, loosely flopping his drenched hair in an attempt to toss it arrogantly.
"There's a pretty big gap between 'handsome' and 'not homeless-looking'." Cu Chulainn snarks.
"Putting Jason's hideous face aside-" "OI!" "-our next step is…" I trail off. No, something already feels wrong.
Where's the follow-up attack? Alter Ego ought to have known where we were going to exit the labyrinth, so why didn't he hit us with another attack the moment our guards were down? For that matter, why did he let even this much happen? No matter how much he might change, Natsuki Subaru isn't the type to just throw away an ally to die for nothing. The only answer is… he couldn't see in the labyrinth or something?
Or, there's the other possibility. The sickening notion that he truly possesses [Return by Death], the same as me, and whatever was screwing up my resets in the labyrinth screwed him over too.
If he didn't foresee this… knowing me, he's freaking out and having an emotional crisis after losing an ally, even one he wilfully corrupted. Even better, I'd guess that he's panicked and pulled his forces away to avoid losing more. In that case, the plan has to be…
"...Let's slip away and find a Leyline. We need to get someone who can deal with Heracles before Alter Ego can rally his forces. [Detect Gold]." A holographic map of surrounding islands appears on my wrist - and, sure enough, there's a mark displaying the location of a leyline. I feel a grin taking shape on my face. "As expected of Da-Vinci."
"Mmm… that's a bit far for the Levitation Mystic Codes," Cu notes with a grimace, looking over my shoulder. "Having Shielder carry you might be a bit dangerous if we need her shield… I can overcharge two of them, put you on Bayard with one, and Mash with the other, and Jason and I can go in Spirit form. But it's definitely gonna fry those two forever. Really wishing you had some kind of water walking spell right now, Master."
"...I'm never questioning Da Vinci's judgment again," I mumble.
"What about that island?" Jason asks, pointing to an entirely different location, set apart by two craggy mountains. "Pretty sure that's what Asterios was talking about - where he hid that friend of his."
"Euryale, right?" I ask, tracing through my memories. "Medusa's sister… sorry, but that needs to wait. I can't imagine she's very strong.. If we could just use your ship to get around, it would be different, but-"
"Yeah. The leyline's the right call for now. We gotta stick close to the sea, though. The air is Medea's territory." Jason nods.
***
The rain continues to fall like a hail of arrows. Even from my relatively sheltered position, clinging to Georgios on the back of his horse, I can feel it beating against my forearms with such force that I wonder if they'll bruise. Beneath us, the waves gnash against each other hungrily, each swell almost as tall as me.
Wow. This is awful.
Still, even now, isolated here, far from any cover and totally exposed to the presumed cannons of that supposed Pirate servant, no attack comes.
"Just what is he waiting for…?" I mutter.
No answer comes. Instead, we continue like this, for another twenty minutes, totally without incident.
As we draw closer to the island, I notice the rain starting to ease up, and by the time we touch down, it's waned to a simple drizzle. "Is the storm ending?"
"No, Senpai, look around. See how thick the rain still is everywhere else?" Mash says as she touches down. "I think… it must be something about this island."
"It's been blessed," Cu says as he materializes. "Or maybe it's considered sacred because of the leyline. Either way, that's what's protecting this island from the worst of the storm."
"Okay, let's go somewhere else!" Jason says. "Messing with sacred islands is always bad news."
"Did you forget the part where the Levitation Mystic Codes were damaged by our travel here?" Georgios sighs. "Let me take the lead. I will handle any divine punishment for our intrusion."
"You're crazy! You can't just 'handle' divine punishment, you nutjob!" Jason shouts, but Georgios ignores him entirely, walking up the gently sloping shore towards the island interior.
"Well, let's just hope there's no bronze giant here," I joke as I follow after him.
"Don't joke about that! Don't you dare freaking joke about that! Do you know how scary that guy was!?"
***
What waits for us there is not a giant of bronze - but rather, a giant of a man who looks as if he was carved from stone. He wears the garb of a warrior monk, with eyebrows so low his eyes seem almost invisible.
He gives no sign of noticing us as he sits there, chanting a sutra under his breath as rain slowly drips down his face.
"...Greetings," Georgios finally breaks the silence.
"Mm… please, don't mind me. I'm simply chanting the rain away," The monk gives a calm smile in response. "If you're here for the leyline, then by all means, feel free to make use of it."
That feels way too awkward!
"Um, just doing that when a Servant we don't know is sitting nearby is a bit…" Mash mumbles.
"I see… nonetheless, I do prefer to stay in this spot. I can't keep the rain away unless I'm connected to the leyline," He says apologetically.
"Then how about telling us your name?" I ask. I mean, considering he's an enormous warrior monk, I've got some idea, but-
"My name?" He asks, a strangely self-satisfied smirk spreading across his face. "My name… is Jugemu Jugemu-" Is he-!? "-Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no-" He is! "-Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji-" He's doing it! He's going to pull the whole name off! "-Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no-" Bring it home, you magnificent stranger! "Chokyumei-no Chosuke!"
Georgios and Mash look totally lost. Cu looks slightly annoyed. Jason is still on the beach. But as for me-!
There's only one possible response I can give-!
"What a coincidence!" I say with a grin, pointing a thumb at myself. "My name is also Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke!"
A single tear trickles down the cheek of Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke. "I see… I see…! Let us be friends, then, Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke!"
Under a drizzle of unnatural rain, the hands of two Rakugo enthusiasts clasp in brotherhood.
"What the hell did I just witness..?" Cu Chulainn asks.
"Hm? You've never heard the legend of Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke?" I ask, a wicked smirk on my face.
"Indeed, the legend of Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke - that is to say, my legend - is quite famous." The monk says, a similar smirk on his.
"Stop repeating that stupidly long name!" The caster shouts.
"-Anyway, you're Musashibou Benkei, right? I can't think of too many other 200 centimeter warrior monks carrying seven weapons on their back," I say.
"That is so. Musashibou Benkei - I have been reincarnated as a spearman. I hope you will forgive my little joke there." He says.
I give a fake sigh. "Maybe one day I'll meet the real Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke."
"I'd like to meet him as well… Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke." Benkei nods seriously.
"Senpai, your ability to recite that entire name perfectly is amazing, but can we please get to connecting with the Leyline?" Mash says, a forced smile on her face.
"Fine, fine," I say, a big grin on my face.
***
The magic circle shines brilliantly - and as it dies down, I can see her, sprawled out as if lounging. A black haired girl with red eyes, wearing a red t-shirt with the word 'Buster' on it and black shorts. She blinks, once, and takes another bite of a potato chip.
Finally, as she looks at me, and then at Mash, the circumstances click in her head, and she inhales.
"I've been summoned to another world!?"
Whaaaat.
***
I can feel a headache growing.
"So, you are an Archer class Servant." I verify, receiving a nod. "...From another version of Chaldea. Somehow, inexplicably, we summoned you straight from your room, into another timeline."
"Mhm. It was probably because of Gudaguda particles or something," the Archer says.
"What the hell is a Gudaguda particle!?" I shout.
"It's a mysterious particle that basically does what it says. It makes everything way more confusing, stupid, and just… gudaguda. I emit them all the time, so it can't be helped!" She says with a grin.
…Could this be the work of Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no Surike Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigoyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no Burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke?
Wow, I feel more stupid already. Gudaguda particles are amazing.
"I can't help but notice… you didn't give your name at any point, Archer." Georgios says.
"Wahahaha! That's because this is my chance, idiot! Now, I can finally be a main Servant, and you know what that means… time to hide my identity! You can call me… Mysterious Archer N!" She says.
"Ar-chan it is, then." I sigh, before brightening up. "Hey, if you're from another version of Chaldea… do you have information we don't? We're in the middle of the Okeanos singularity-"
"Nope! I don't remember any of the singularities before Camelot! They were all really boring, so it can't be helped!" Ar-chan laughs. "But hey, Since Waver's not here, I can finally show off my strategy skills! And I can identify Servants! Like that guy, he's…" she trails off pointing at Georgios. "-Rider with taunt!"
This girl is useless.
***
Autor's note:
This might be the dumbest chapter yet. I'm so sorry. Welcome to "I can't believe it's not Konosuba".
The 'Mysterious Archer N' gimmick will last for approximately two chapters.
Nobbu is from canon Chaldea, and it doesn't really matter because she only paid attention during her own story appearances (read: never).