"Y'know, in hindsight?" I mused as I stared over the edge of one of the many pews lying on their sides scattered across the room. "I don't know why I expected, even for a second, any outcome other than this."
'This', by the by, was the absolutely massive free-for-all brawl that was raging before me in the center of the once grand and noble Seafaring Parish of St. Jude Thaddeus, the Patron Saint of Hope of all things, with said brawl being composed of a great many individuals, who themselves were all wielding a variety of weapons, if they chose to wield weapons at all.
Soundbite poked his eyes over the edge of the pew so that he could give the fight a bored once-over. "YOU KNOW THE MOST ironic thing?" he dully noted. "Our crewmates aren't even CAUSING THE WORST OF THE DAMAGE. MOST OF THEM GOT THE HELL OUT OF DODGE when the shit started flying, they're waiting outside."
That little tidbit prompted me to slap my hand to my forehead, and I knocked the back of my head against my cover even as I watched an Accino grunt fly above me and slam into the wall.
"Three hours…" I groaned. "How did we manage to screw shit up so badly in three hours?"
~o~
Thinking back, I have to admit that for once, not all the fault was on our shoulders.
Allow me to be perfectly clear: the fiasco that my crew went through in an attempt to organize this… event? It was enough to guarantee that if I ever got married, it was either going to be with no less than a full year of preparation or in a small, quiet (Soundbite howled with laughter when I told him that later, and I… didn't really have it in myself to protest) ceremony that would be tossed together in three hours, maybe less.
Where to even start… bah, the beginning's as good as anywhere, I suppose. Our first order of business while we waited for the church to arrive was to deal with Don Accino's flag collection. Not too bad; while half of the Accinos kept the Don busy with preparing their own ship and hitching it to the Sunny, Robin, Luffy, Chopper, Merry, and I went through the—ergh—trophies.
To elaborate, aside from Robin, who was handling the Don's sizeable ledger with her nearly bottomless well of knowledge on the subject-matter, Luffy had apparently decided to dredge up another lesson from Shanks and was present as a sign of respect, and I was there so that Soundbite and Merry could assist with any identification that lay outside Robin's purview; after all, most of the flags had had the ships' souls imprinted within them, and those that didn't still had voices of their own.
As sadly expected, while the vast majority of the emblems hailed from ruthless and bloodthirsty crews that left Merry and Soundbite reeling, we still had to bury over a quarter of the collection away from the Don's prying eyes. As for the rest, well… let's just say that if Hockera noticed Chopper passing by and cracking open a vial or two or ten containing spores from a cloth-devouring mould he'd altered to be hyper-aggressive when given plenty of heat and moisture, he didn't mention it. Took us just over ten minutes to finish up.
From there, we travelled to the chapel. Also not too bad; with Sunny's paddle system, Nami bending the wind to our favor, and Conis, Lassoo, and Usopp providing some extra thrust, we made it to the church (and if St. Jude Thaddeus wasn't proof that the World Government knew what it was doing where floating buildings were concerned, I'll eat my gauntlets) in the space of half an hour.
All told, actually reaching the church took about, oooh, forty minutes or so? Leaving us with—
-2 HOURS, 20 MINUTES REMAINING-
From there, we actually started working on setting up the wedding. Our first order of business was the division of labour, and big surprise, that was when our troubles chose to rear their heads.
-o-
"Alright, everybody, listen up!" I announced, sweeping my eyes over our assembled crew.
The building we were in, I'll admit, was a nice place. Massive double doors open from the antechamber into a large room with a domed ceiling, windows at the top allowing light to come in. A few dozen pews lined up in four rows provided space for a few hundred people, maybe even a thousand. One corner had a large organ and a couple of dozen chairs, clearly intended for the choir, while statues, carvings, and mosaic murals decorated the walls and pillars. A cross-shaped pool easily big enough for half a dozen people to fit in, filled to the brim with water, was at the front, and a slightly elevated dais with a large altar and two throne-like chairs was at the front and center of the room.
Yet the only Bible I could see was sitting on a small table between the two chairs. You'd think they'd have more than one…
I drew my thoughts away from that as I looked at the crew, Luffy hanging from the rafters, but everyone else in states of relative calm. 'Relative' being the keyword there, given that Accino was looming behind me and cooking my backside, with his kids standing at his sides.
"Now," I started hesitantly, glancing over my shoulder at the Heat-Human standing behind me. "I realize that this is all kind of nutty, and rather touch-and-go, and I know that we don't really have a plan of action—!"
"Ah, actually, Cross?" Vivi interrupted.
A glance at her revealed that she was holding a small packet of notes about an inch thick.
"Uh…?" I slowly raised a finger questioningly.
"I… drew these up on the way here?" she smiled tentatively.
"You outlined an entire wedding plan in under an hour," Nami deadpanned, clearly not believing a word our crew's Princess said.
"…experience as a royal?"
I took a moment to weigh the pros and cons of calling Vivi on the blatant bull-honkey she was peddling before coming to and voicing my conclusion of "I couldn't care less if you got them from the devil himself. Alright, Vivi, you've apparently got the plans, which means you've also got the point. I'll help you supervise, try and keep things from going pear-shaped."
"Ah… o-okay, then…" Vivi shuffled through her notes before taking a calming breath and regarding our friends with… relative amounts of confidence, but still confidence. "Okay, okay. First, the obvious delegation: Sanji, you'll be handling the catering."
"But of course, dear Vivi," Sanji bowed to the Princess before addressing the Don. "Two hours is more than enough time to prepare a banquet fit for a wedding. So, does the father of the bride—"
"Underage~" Soundbite sang softly.
"Still need hors d'oeuvres," Sanji smoothly added, his menacing grin prompting Soundbite to snap back into his shell. "As I was saying, does the father of the bride have any preferences for the menu?"
The Don made a careless gesture, upon which Arbell, with a wrinkled expression, handed our cook a list. Sanji started scanning it, and it took all of five seconds for the blood to evacuate his face. "…Vivi? Do you already have something planned for Chopper?" he croaked.
"Uh…" Vivi cocked her eyebrow uncertainly. "Unless any medical emergencies come up, no. Why?"
"Yeah, Sanji, why would you need my help?" Chopper questioned with a tilt of his head.
"Because this is the menu the good Mister Accino wants me to cook," Sanji answered, gulping audibly as he stuck the paper before the reindeer's face. When Chopper started to frown in confusion, Sanji tapped a section of the page. "These numbers here? These are Scoville counts."
Chopper's pupils snapped into pinpricks, and he slowly looked up with a haunted gaze. "I'm gonna need a lot of liquid nitrogen and milk… and some heat-resistant suits couldn't hurt either."
"On our ship, in the back," Arbell deadpanned, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder.
"Thank you kindly." Chopper tipped his hat at the Accino heir before ambling off, a fervently muttering Sanji right on his heels.
"Uhh…" Vivi hummed uncomfortably before glancing up at the Don. "Sir, I realize that your abilities will serve to protect you, but what about—?"
"Ohh, don't worry, Princess," Accino smirked around his cigar. "I'm entirely aware that my proposed menu will almost definitely melt the mouth of anyone who has some, and not just from how delicious it is. After all…" He crossed his arms proudly and straightened to his maximum height and girth. "Just because I need the Hirunos here and for this wedding to proceed properly does not mean I either need or want those bastards to be comfortable. And if they starve? So be it!"
I felt a sweatdrop hanging from my head, and saw one hanging from everyone else on the crew.
Vivi's, it should be noted, was particularly large. "Oh, this is going to be fun…" she groaned acridly before turning her gaze upward. "Anyway, moving on, Luffy, you—oh, for the love of Kek."
"Oh, this is going to be really fun," I deadpanned as I stared up at the blatantly empty rafters, then at Soundbite. "Hey, Sanji, just a heads-up: Luffy's MIA."
"Of course he is," the cook sighed wearily. "Bah, if he wants a taste, then he can have it. With any luck, it'll be enough to lay him out flat."
"And since when have we ever been that lucky?" Vivi mused as she shuffled through her notes. "Anyway. Franky, Usopp, it sounds like you'll have to handle building the decorations and painting this place by yourselves. Is that alright with you?"
Our mechanically-and artistically-inclined crewmates nodded in acceptance—
"Oh! Oh oh oh!"
—Only for Merry to interrupt by jumping in her seat and waving her arms eagerly.
"They won't be alone!" she promised. "I can help them both out! After all, I have their skillsets in my skull, so anything they can do, I can do just as well! I'll just pull double-duty to help them out!"
"Eh…" Much to our surprise, it was actually Arbell who chose that moment to speak up, her voice… almost gentle!? "Are you really sure that you can keep up with your crewmates? After all, your body is pretty young."
"Hm… that's actually a fair point!" Merry mused, making a show of tapping her chin 'thoughtfully'. "Allow me to offer you my calm and measured rebuttal- RAGH!" Franky and Zoro were forced to move swiftly to grab the caravel's arms and hoist her flailing form into the air before she could leap at Arbell, her teeth gnashing violently.
"Yo, Merry, calm your tits!" Raphey called out. "Save it for—"
The dugong froze as the shipgirl pinned her with a glare that could peel paint. "Bitch, my tits are calm," Merry said in a deceptively even voice. "The left one is named Siddhartha Buddha, and the right one is Vardhamana Mahavira, and together they are lactating a veritable font of peace and understanding. It is the rest of me that's pissed. AND AS FOR YOU!" Her blistering glare and tone regained their heat as she snapped her attention back to Arbell, who, to her credit, didn't even flinch. "I'LL RIP YER BLOOMERS OFF AND STUFF 'EM DOWN YER BLOODY GULLET! YERS AND ALL YER ICE-LUBBIN' FLAG-STEALIN'—"
"Mute," I deadpanned, snapping my fingers.
"…? …!" Merry stopped trying to speak as she realized that she had been muted. Then, glowering, she reached into her coat and pulled out a—
I facepalmed. "You planned for this?" I groaned.
"…" Merry was… well, silent as she peered out from beneath the red and white cap she had donned.
"Right, moving the damned hell along before I can really get freaked out by this." I shook my head vigorously as I snapped my attention back to Arbell. "So, just in case you happened to miss it, yes, she's definitely up for this."
"Glad to hear it…" Accino growled out as he ashed a cigar from both ends. "Now get her out of my sight before I lay a lesson about respecting her superiors on her backside she won't soon forget. Or ever."
"…!" A flash of fear came over Merry's expression, and she, Usopp, and Franky promptly skedaddled out of the room.
"…I need to get a hat like that," Lil muttered to herself.
"Right!" Vivi clapped her hands together imperiously. "Moving on. Who here has experience with the piano or organ?"
Robin smiled as she splayed the fingers on the extra hands she'd suddenly acquired. "I like to think that I'm quite proficient. After all…" A slightly wistful look came over her. "Nobody ever pays attention to the lonely piano man…"
"Ah…" Vivi blinked in surprise. "Wait, that phrase… where do I—?"
"Ah!" Robin's arms disintegrated into petals as her face suddenly flushed. "I'll, ah, just be getting to that—!"
"Oh, yeah, now I wemembah!" Carue slapped his wing to his forehead. "Dat's a wine fwom 'Da Woved and Da Wovewess!' You know, dat twashy West Bwue womance novel you—WACK!"
"I will pluck you nude and cook you into a turducken," Robin calmly stated, her usual serene smile in place but her arms twitching murderously as they held Carue in place. After a moment of silence, the arms evaporated. "So, I assume the sheet music is on the instrument in question?"
Hockera nodded frantically, and Robin walked off, leaving us watching her with no small amount of fear.
"…Right," Vivi piped up, snapping my attention back to her. "Now, Mister Accino, so long as your family is handling the wardrobe…?" She heaved a sigh of relief when the Hot-Human nodded. "Alright, then that's everything for the wedding proper, meaning all that's left is our main priority: security. Carue, if you wouldn't mind organizing things properly?"
"Of couwse, Vivi!" Carue saluted proudly.
"Hrmph," Accino snorted doubtfully, taking a drag from his cigar. "You're leaving security up to the duck?"
"No, she ishn't."
THWAP!
In that instant, I mirrored the Accino-heirs perfectly in that I nearly pissed my pants when Carue jumped up and smacked the freaking cigar from Don Accino's mouth.
"She's entwusting the secuwity to the individuaw who's been her pewsonaw bodyguawd her entire wife," Carue stated. "And fow da wecawd, I'm wiwwing to take a wot of fwak… but my pwide as a captain in da Awabastan Militawy and Vivi's guawd is not something I will evah wet anyone mock. Got it?"
I gained an entirely new respect for Carue in that moment as he maintained his firm expression, but said respect was vastly overshadowed by the existential dread I felt as the ambient temperature slowly cranked up to levels where I felt like I was right back in the middle of He—I mean Alabasta. Neither Vivi nor Carue, however, even flinched.
Unfortunately for all of us observing, the standoff dragged on for a minute, but then, out of the blue, the temperature snapped right back to normal, and a smirk grew on Don Accino's face as he fished out another cigar and placed it in his mouth. "Continue," he invited.
Most of us shared dumbstruck looks, while Carue settled for snorting gratefully. "Gwad to have yoah appwoval. Now!" He clapped his wings together. "Wisten up! Evewyone we have weft will be spwit intah thwee teams tah cover evewy angle. Fiwst, Don." He looked back at our 'clients'. "I'm guessing dat you've got a buncha gifts foah dis mess?"
"Condolence gifts from our friends," Campacino explained.
"But we got twice as many as we expected, so…" Brindo waved his hand side to side uncomfortably.
Carue slapped a wing to his face with a groan. "Ah'f couwse. Twelfth birthday aww ovew again, Stomp stiww has a stain in his feathahs… awight, Su, Wassoo, Funkfweed, you'we all with me. We'we be keeping watch ovah dah pwesents and dah ones with good noses wiww be weeding out da 'supwises'. Zowo, Nami, Conis, you thwee'll head outside and handle any thweats coming by sea owah—and aye can't bewieve this is actuawwy a possibiwity—by aiw. And finawwy, Boss, you and your students head undahwatah. If you see anything even vaguewy thweatening, punch it untiw it's not. Evewyone awight with that?"
There was a chorus of vague agreements…
"Actually."
And a single protest from the worst person it could come from.
Carue twitched uncomfortably before glancing up at Don Accino. "Yes, Mistah Accino?" he asked uneasily.
"Oh, don't get your feathers in a snag, duck," the Don said dismissively. "Most of your plan is fine and good, but I do have one proviso. For the underwater guard force."
"Come again?" The boss almost demanded.
"Yeah!" Mikey nodded in agreement. "In case you haven't noticed, we're amphibious! Where do you want us, guarding the sky!? Nami's already got that—GRK!"
Mikey was interrupted and left gasping by a blast of hot air. Accino snorted at him. "Would you rather wind up on my dinner plate, lightly steamed with butter?" he bit out.
The dugong shook his head with a pained wheeze, Raphey and Leo glaring at the heat-human in his place.
Don Accino took a calming drag from his cigar before continuing. "Anyways. Knowing this crew, and more specifically you five, I require some extra security to ensure that you don't try anything clever—or more likely, shell-headed—in an effort to slip out of this. As such, I've decided to assign the best of our Fierce Penguins to shadowing you."
Boss and I both stiffened fiercely at that, me from horror and him from… I actually don't know.
"Wait… you don't mean—!" I started to get out.
"I knew this day would come…" Boss ground out.
Before either of us could say anything further, however, Lil brought her fingers to her lips, blew a sharp whistle—
SLAM!
"Aloha, convicts!"
And the doors were promptly kicked open by the absolute last quartet of fuzz and feathers that I ever wanted to see, and with the leader speaking in the last voice I ever wanted to hear, if only for the sake of preserving the last tattered shreds of my sanity.
I slowly turned a murderous glare on Soundbite. "I… I don't even know what the hell to say to you about this."
"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT they say!" Soundbite leered right back. "IF YOU DON'T HAVE anything nice to say, THEN SHUT THE HELL—!"
"Rico!"
"HORK!"
PTANG!
"—GAH!"
"Silence, convict!" the lead penguin barked as he jabbed his flipper at my partner. "You all are under my command now! I don't care if you're really some big-shot coolio pirate thanks to your namby-pamby talk show, you will only speak when I say you can and—!"
"Not under your jurisdiction, Skipper," Lil deadpanned.
"—erk," the unsurprisingly-named… ergh, Skipper, choked.
"Sorry, Miss Lil!" the dopey-looking one piped up in a childish British accent. "Skipper just gets excited from time to time! He always says how he doesn't want to let you—!" SLAP! "Gah!"
"No one likes a suck-up, Private," Skipper deadpanned, his flipper still in post-dopeslap position.
Lil shook her head with a glance upwards that was equal parts fond and long-suffering before turning back to us. "These four are by far the strongest I've ever trained. Rico, demolitions and special weapons expert—"
"HUGH! HAHAHAHA!" the wild-looking penguin cackled, vomiting up a lit stick of dynamite and starting to juggle it around.
"Private, a rookie but still surprisingly capable—"
Without warning, Rico lobbed the TNT to Private, who started juggling it between his flippers as he waddled for the door. "Oh no, oh no, oh no—!"
"Kowalski, the—"
"Lemme guess," I cut in with a groan, dragging a hand down my face. "Scientist and tactician?"
"According to my calculations…" the tallest of the penguins announced, whipping out an abacus and slapping around the beads for a second before looking up flatly. "Private will get the dynamite out of the building!"
KABOOM!
"WAAAAAH—!"
SLAM!
"OOF!"
Kowalski barely even flinched as a smoking Private slammed into and stuck to the wall above us. "Private, however, will not get out of the radius of the blast."
"Called it," I deadpanned, before flinching under the rest of the Accinos' glares. "I'll shut up now."
"And finally," Lin concluded. "The leader of the squad, the most competent, the most professional, the strongest soldier we have besides Papa—!"
"The Mad Penguin."
We all paused in confusion as someone spoke up, but that question was promptly answered when Boss waddled to the front, his teeth tightly clenched around his cigar, and his eyes unerringly locked on Skipper.
"Of Gascar," he finished, his tone positively glacial.
Skipper, for his part, just blinked at Boss in confusion for a moment before smirking and waddling up to him, staring up at the dugong's mug in spite of the fact that he was twice his height. "Now that's a name I haven't heard in a while. Haven't seen you in a while, either, Dissy."
The captain of our ship's guard narrowed his eyes menacingly. "It's Boss now, Penguin." He took a hard drag of his cigar and blew the smoke right in Skipper's face. "Boss. Dugong."
Skipper didn't even flinch at the smoke, instead letting his smirk widen. "Is that so? Well, it's nice to see you again after all these years… Bessy."
I darted my weary gaze between the two amphibious fighters before asking what everyone was thinking and what I was dreading. "I take it you two know each other?"
"You could say that," Skipper said, tilting his head at me without ever breaking eye contact with Boss. "Before I came to be under the Accinos' employ, I worked odd jobs here and there around the Line. And every time a job brought me to Alabasta, it always seemed like Ol' Bessy was there to greet me! Heck!" Skipper spun on his talons as he casually snapped a flipper up. "I can't even remember all the times we've clashed! What was it, Bessy, a hundred? Two hundred?"
"Too many to count, Penguin," Boss intoned darkly. "But I only ever endeavour to remember the one: Erumalu."
In an instant, Skipper had his snarling beak in Boss's impassive mug. "Don't you dare bring up Erumalu around me, you crossbred son of a barnacle!" he spat.
Boss took a deliberately slow drag from his cigar before blowing another cloud of smoke at the penguin, this time sending an unfortunately nearby Private into a coughing fit. "Make me, lead wing."
As we watched the sparks crackle and fly between the two, Soundbite leaned his head towards me. "I WOULD LAUGH at the appropriateness of the bird's moniker," he hissed. "But this is way too cool."
"Ditto…" Mikey chuckled eagerly as he gleefully watched the exchange.
"You say 'cool', I say 'annoying as all hell!" Raphey bit out as she warily eyed the three (two and a half, really, Private was still wheezing) penguins that were eyeing them in turn. "These feather-fluff combos nabbed us all through cheating!"
Rico's response to that was to stick his tongue out at her and drag his eyelid down with a flipper, cackling all the while. This, of course, necessitated Mikey hastily grabbing Raphey before she could tackle the mad penguin.
"She has a point, you know… ignoring the physical assault…" Leo groused, a quick exchange of glares with his team's brawler stopping her attempt at attacking, though not her growling. "Why do we have to have them as our guards?"
"Heck, why do we need guards, period? You've studied the SBS, have we ever given the impression that we wouldn't keep our end of a bargain!? Besides Nami, I mean," Donny said, conveniently positioned so that Zoro and Conis were between him and the aforementioned navigator. "No offence, of course."
"None taken," Nami smiled beatifically.
ZAP!
"YEOWCH!"
The stench of ozone and cooked dugong that suddenly permeated the air said differently.
"We're aware. This is simply a matter of insurance, for both of us," the Don said. "After all, you wouldn't expect us to add nothing to the security ourselves, would you?" He then turned his gaze down to the two leering animals, who promptly dropped their glaring contest in favour of dropping to their knees when the temperature suddenly spiked. "And I expect you to put whatever past you have together behind you until the wedding is complete. Am I clear?"
"Y-Yes, Don-Boss, sir," Skipper coughed out.
"My word…" Boss groaned. "As a Man."
"Good," Accino snorted as he thankfully killed the heat. "Now, if you need me, I'll be on my ship getting hammered enough that when the Hiruno witch and her brood arrive, I won't instinctively flash-boil everything in a quarter-mile radius. So, unless there's anything else?" His tone clearly said that there'd better damn well not be, and thankfully, there wasn't. "Good. Now hurry the hell up and get to it." And with that, he headed straight out of the double doors, and soon after, everyone who remained slowly trickled off to their assigned posts, though the way Boss and Skipper kept eyeing one another in the process did not fill me with confidence.
Once everyone was gone, Vivi, Soundbite and I briefly stood in silence before Vivi shot me a far too confident smile.
"You know… I think we actually just might pull this off."
~o~
"'Might pull this off, my ass," I grumbled under my breath as I watched a particularly large bounty hunter use a pew as an impromptu club to mow down his competition. "When we get out of this, I'm gonna host a damn seminar titled 'Lines we do not freaking taunt Murphy with'!"
"AMEN, brudda!" Soundbite nodded in agreement. "But for now, I think we should PROBABLY MOVE, FOR WOOD IS WEAK—!"
SMASH! "GAH!"
I flinched as an insensate bounty hunter's head crashed through my cover, way too close to my own head for comfort. "And their skulls are thick, right. Any ideas?"
"Uhh… OH! The food table, it's FRANKY-BRAND REINFORCED! Ya know, 'CAUSE LUFFY."
"Perfect," I nodded. I promptly set about skimming along the ground hidden by whatever mostly-intact pews remained, dodging any bullets, bodies or otherwise improvised projectiles that shot my way as I headed for my aforementioned destination. And there I found someone else taking cover, prompting me to don a flat look.
"You do realize that a good portion of the blame for this situation goes to you, right?" I testily pointed out.
"Excuse me!? If you'll forgive my language, how the hell do you reason that, Mister Jeremiah?" Vivi snapped back with just as much heat. "Everything I did, I did trying to make sure that this was the perfect wedding!"
"We were supposed to sabotage the wedding!" I snapped, flinging my hands up… or, at least, I tried, but still, it was the gesture that counted. "And you were a freaking nightmare to work with the entire time!"
"Oh, please!" Vivi snapped her head away with a sniff. "I was nowhere near that bad!"
~o~
-1 HOUR, 30 MINUTES REMAINING-
"Nononono, this table needs to be 2.68 inches to the north and .54 inches to the east, or the feng shui of the room will be off!" Vivi snapped at the hapless staff (read: mercs she'd brow-beaten into wearing suits). "And the chairs have to be in an exact hexagonal configuration at the specified coordinates! For all the tables!"
"B-b-b-b—" said merc whimpered under Vivi's rage, yelping as she grabbed his collar.
"Did I stutter?"
"Y-Yes, ma'am, I-I-I mean no ma'am, I mean hurry the hell up already before she castrates me!" the poor man barked to his colleagues, who swiftly scrambled to fulfill the request.
Taking a deep sigh, Vivi took a step back and began inspecting the decorations Merry, Franky, and Usopp were still putting up, frowning. I had gotten very good at deciphering her frowns over the last fifteen minutes, and thankfully, this one was the 'I'm still deciding if you screwed up, don't disappoint me' frown.
While she was doing this, another one of the suited mercs walked up to her, his knees visibly shaking. "Uh, Miss Vivi?'
"Not right now," she said, still eyeing the decorations.
"Miss Vivi, this is very important—"
"Yes, yes, I'm sure," Vivi absentmindedly waved, eyes zeroing in on Franky, who had just arranged some of the lace streamers to vaguely resemble a cannon firing. "Franky! Rearrange those, we can't be having any violent motifs at a wedding!"
"Aw, c'mon!" Franky snapped. "It barely looks like a cannon! And besides, this is a bunch of bounty hunters! They'd love it!"
"Just change it!"
"Alright, alright, keep your shirt on… HEY, MERRY, MIND LENDING ME A HAND!"
"BIT BUSY UP HERE!" Merry called down from the rafters, where she and Usopp were hanging via an admittedly impressive set of ropes.
Vivi shot a momentary glance up at the pair before snapping her full attention to them. "LESS WHITE, MORE BLUE!"
"INDEED!" Brindo (the twin wearing red, of all people) yelled up in agreement as he rolled a table into place. "AFTER ALL, THE BLUE OF THE SEA AND THE ICE IS OUR NOBLE FAMILY'S COLOR!"
"WHAT!?" Campacino (the other, blue-wearing twin) shouted from across the hall, where he had been helping carry a stack of chairs before dropping them off in the arms of the nearest (and going by the way he staggered under the weight, woefully under-muscled) merc to him. "DEAR BROTHER, SURELY YOU ARE JOKING! CLEARLY, WHAT WITH THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES AND THE RADIANCE OF OUR FATHER'S ABILITIES, RED IS THE COLOR OF OUR FAMILY MOST NOBLE!"
The pair of them exchanged looks of irritation, and then, with the nonsense that Oda himself had come up with, they glowed red and blue, flew towards each other from opposite sides of the room by 'twin magnetism'…
"EN GARDE YOU—!"
SLAM!
"ARGH!"
And opened their brawl with a mirrored pair of hooks to one another's jaws.
"If you two make a mess, I'll make sure no one can tell where one of you starts and the other one ends," Vivi promised, before glaring up at our paint-adept again. "AND WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU TWO WORKING?"
"Uh… we don't know which one to listen to?" Usopp answered uneasily.
"JUST PICK A NAME OUT OF A HAT!"
Usopp started to nod before shooting a bemused look at Merry. "I… can't remember which had which name… or which supported which colour scheme either. You?"
Merry responded by giving him a flat look before slapping her hands together. "I'm out. HEY, FRANKY, LOOK OUT ABOVE!" And before our sniper could react, she slipped out of her harness and dropped onto our shipwright's shoulders.
Thankfully, Vivi chose to nod at that, somehow satisfied, and I flinched as she turned her gaze on me, her eyes all but quite literally blazing behind… her…
"Where the hell did she get that monocle?" I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.
"DIDN'T SEE, too scared!" Soundbite whimpered from within his shivering shell.
"AHEM?"
"Yes'm!" I yelped, snapping to attention under Vivi's piercing gaze.
She sniffed haughtily at my reaction before directing her attention to my snail. "Connect me to Sanji," she ordered in a tone that brooked no argument.
For a moment, my mind was at war, self-preservation clashing with thrill-seeking, disrespect for authority, and pride. And then common sense whacked pride upside the head and knocked it out, levelling the playing field and allowing me to make the smart decision.
"Well, you heard the woman," I told Soundbite.
"God knows I wish I hadn't…" he moaned back, but nevertheless there was a moment of static, and then—
"A little busy at the moment, Cross," Sanji replied, sounding decidedly strained.
"Not Cross, me," Vivi stated. "Status report, Sanji."
"Gah!" Sanji yelped frantically. "O-Of course, Princess! Sweet, sweet, beautiful princess whom I serve hand and foot, and I definitely do not want to tell you to go away at this moment, just give me a second to… HEY, YOU! GET OVER HERE AND HOLD THIS!… Alright, there we go. Ah, anyway, let's see… alright, the main dishes will be ready on time, despite the… eccentric menu." Soundbite's shell shivered again. "I swear, where the hell did he get a recipe for liquid smoke…? On an unrelated note, I really hope you don't need Chopper anytime soon, because my help is rotating through him like clockwork, and if I lose him, I'm screwed."
"Duly noted," Vivi nodded. "And the cake?"
"In the oven, and the frosting and decorations are being made as we speak." There was a pregnant pause over the line before Sanji continued. "The, ah, specifications, though… I'd never question you, my dear princess, but these are very exacting, and I don't trust any of these yahoos to do it right. But I also don't want to be away from the main prep for so long—"
"That's by design," Vivi interrupted. "The banquet's a lost cause, what with the Don's specifications."
"Tell me about it," Sanji groaned despondently. "I'm brewing and serving the 'punch' in a cast-iron pot! It's melted everything else!"
"Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble!"
"At least Chopper's having fun keeping it stable… though now I'm going to have to have someone keep an eye on this thing to make sure it isn't breathing."
"…Anyway," Vivi picked up, shaking off the bemusement of what she heard and getting back into her professional form. "The banquet is a lost cause, but the cake has to be perfect."
There was a brief pause before Sanji spoke up again. "Even the runes on the gazebo?"
"They're hieroglyphs, not runes, but yes, even the hieroglyphs on the gazebo."
"As my princess wishes," Sanji sighed, the line going dead…
"Pst, Sanji!"
Until I reopened it.
"Cross, wha—!?"
"Look, just tell me real quick," I hissed as I spared a glance at Vivi, who was thankfully not looking my way. "Does this place have any salt in its storerooms?"
"What are you—Ugh, yes, there are a ton of salt bags back here, what about it?"
I heaved a sigh of relief. "Glad to hear it. Now, make sure to smuggle what bags you can onto the Sunny when you get the opening, as much as you can manage."
"What!? Cross, I swear, if this is some kind of a stupid joke or something—!"
"I'm deadly serious!" I interrupted him with as much emphasis as I could manage and still keep quiet. "The next fight we go into is going to be a nightmare already, and it'll only be bigger unless we stockpile as much salt as you can grab! Got it?"
There was a tense silence for a moment before Sanji heaved a sigh. "Yeah, alright, you make it sound pretty serious. I'll wave in some of the Dugongs to get it done. Just… try and reign in Vivi while you're out there, alright?"
"You're kidding, right?" I scoffed even as I cut my hand across my throat and returned my attention to her.
Thankfully, the Princess had lapsed into blessed, thoughtful silence. But sadly, it didn't last long before she turned to a large table shoved into the back of the chapel. It was groaning under the weight of the gaudily wrapped wedding presents, which Lassoo and Funkfreed were warily sniffing and prodding at. Seriously, I think some of the wrapping was actual gold. Also, for some reason or other, there seemed to be something struggling under the tablecloth, but I very firmly decided to ignore that.
"How are things going with the presents, Carue?" the Princess asked.
The duck looked up at her with a tortured squawk. "So faw, we've defused a dozen bombs, got wid of at weast ten packages of poisoned food, got wid of half a dozen packages that wewen't deadwy but weally shouldn't go to someone wemotely cwose tah hew age, and thwee ow fouw packages dat had wive contents. A hownet's nest, a sedated wild boaw, a supwisingwy aggwesive swoth—"
"GAH!" Su gasped as she stuck her head out from under the table and panted in exhaustion, her usually pristine fur frazzled and wet. "And one… very determined… pygmy sperm whale… that I think has some squid or octopus blood in it."
Soundbite poked an eyestalk out of his shell so that he could… well, eye her. "YOU HOLDING up alright?"
Su panted a second longer before grinning confidently and sticking up her paw in what I assumed was an approximation of a thumbless thumbs-up. "I'm… wearing him down!"
Her grin then died when a tentacle stuck out from under the table. "Oh, no, not agai—WAGH!" Aaand with that, she was yanked back under the table, and the struggle picked up anew.
Carue stared at the struggle for a moment before looking up sheepishly. "It's a wowk in pwogwess."
"So I see," Vivi muttered, and I braced for another outburst. "Well, just keep the duds out of sight, and it should be fine. Now, what else…"
The former princess trailed off in thought, not noticing another besuited merc walking up to her. "Uh, Miss Vivi?" he said. She gave no sign that she'd heard, and the merc shot us a pleading look. Soundbite and I glanced at each other, and shrugged in a 'what can you do' sort of way. Sighing, the merc shook his head and spoke up again. "Miss Vivi?"
Silence.
The merc's face hardened, and he completely ignored my frantic head-shaking in favour of loudly clearing his throat. "Oi! Miss Vivi?"
I think the glare Vivi shot over her shoulder at the poor bastard managed to stop my heart just as long as his. "What?"
"Ah… N-N-Never mind, Miss Vivi," he simpered. "I'm… sure it's not that important in the long run."
"Good," she nodded firmly before turning her attention away and wandering off. "Now, who would have an idea of the proper seating arrangements…"
Once she was a ways away, Soundbite slowly poked his head out of his shell with a grimace. "GOD SAVE US from the princess!"
"At this point?" I sighed. "I'd take the devil if he offered."
I then proceeded to freeze as a tinkling giggle echoed through the rafters.
"ON THE OTHER HAND!" I yelped, making a bolt for it. "WAIT THE HELL UP, PRINCESS!"
~o~
Vivi maintained her glare for a moment longer before glancing away and poking her fingers together. "I… alright, I admit to having maybe gone a bit overboard… but!" She snapped her finger up as she defiantly met my gaze. "In my defence, I was just trying to make this wedding the best it could be!"
"We were supposed to tank the wedding, you blue-haired bimbo!" I grabbed her shoulders with a roar. "The Accino kids wanted to make sure that their sister didn't get married!"
A blue hue slowly fell over Vivi's face. "…riiiiight…"
"SERIOUSLY!" Soundbite barked. "You've been eccentric and ditzy in the past, BUT THIS!? WHAT THE HELL, BITCH!?"
"Uhhh…" Vivi hedged uncertainly as she looked anywhere but at me. "In my defence, it's failing spectacularly anyway?"
A spectacular SMASH rang out at just that instant, but utterly failed to sway my partner or me.
"Try again," we snarled in synch.
Vivi's mouth flapped uselessly for a second before she hung her head with a defeated sigh. "So… I might not have been entirely honest with you all."
I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Of fucking course. About what, exactly?"
"About these." Vivi felt around in her pockets for a moment before withdrawing and holding out… a familiar pack of notes? Wait a…
"The wedding plan?" I questioned incredulously.
"I… didn't really come up with it on the spot," she admitted shamefacedly. "It was something I'd been working on for years, ever since I was a little girl. Ever since I realized that I had feelings for…" Vivi trailed off into silence as a blush crawled up her cheeks.
Still, it wasn't like she had to say anything further, seeing as I managed to make the necessary connection. "Hieroglyphs… why didn't I realize sooner?" I winced sympathetically. "All this… You were stressing out and micromanaging because you were essentially setting up your own wedding, weren't you?"
Vivi nodded with a weary sigh of her own. "I just… with how things are, with the World Government and my bounty and everything… I love the crew, I really do—!"
"Never doubted it for a second."
"But…" Vivi rubbed her arm, not looking me in the eye. "I just… after everything that's happened… I wanted one thing, my childhood dream…" She smiled tearfully. "To go right… You know?"
I was silent for a second before slowly smiling and reaching my hand out to grasp Vivi's shoulder. "Vivi… no matter what, you'll always be one of my best friends in the world. You know that, right?"
Vivi's smile remained in place as she nodded.
"Then, as your friend, I just want you to know I bear you no malice when I say this." I grimaced uncomfortably. "Your real wedding… is probably not gonna be much different from this."
Vivi's expression froze so hard I could hear the sound of shattering glass.
…no, wait, that was one of the light fixtures being yanked down from the ceiling.
"Excuse me?" she croaked uncertainly.
"Well… I mean, isn't it kind of obvious?" I asked as though it were, well, the most obvious thing in the world. "Think about it: as I just said, we're your friends. That means that come hell, high water or lack of invitation, we will all be attending your wedding. And considering what happened this time, the Straw Hat Pirates were involved with a wedding, well…" I gestured helplessly at the chaos occurring just a few feet from us.
A most astounding explosion rang out at that instant, accompanied by a pained cry of "MY LEG!", though that last one might have been Soundbite's doing.
"Yeah, that."
For the most part, Vivi's face remained frozen in a rictus grin, though her eye did start to twitch in what I suspected was an unhealthy manner.
"But, hey!" I grinned cheerily, lightening my tone in what I hoped was a supportive manner. "Look on the bright side: no matter how much of an unmitigated disaster it is, you'll still be surrounded by your friends and family who love you very, very—!"
"CROSS."
My words died in my throat when I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a horizon-to-horizon desert, at the foot of a very large, very golden and very radiant throne that was flanked by an equally radiant and titanic pair of cobra statues—no, wait, they were moving. Cobras. Actual giant-ass glowing cobras.
"…eh?" I breathed in confusion, tilting my head up to look at said throne.
I was met with the sight of a figure of pure power and authority glaring down at me with near-unbridled contempt.
"RUN."
"RUNNING!" I yelped, bolting out from under the table and into the chaos, leaping over the bazooka-launched cannonball that just so happened to try and occupy the space where my head was, ducking under the massive axe that tried to pass through the space where my neck was…
"GRAH!"
"GAH!"
Aaand finally wincing as Vivi bodily tackled me to the ground and flipped me over so that she was looming menacingly over Soundbite and I.
"I will feast upon your entrails," Vivi hissed at me, Lion Cutters at the ready to disembowel me so that she could offer Sanji the requisite ingredients for said meal.
I began frantically looking around for something that I could use to fend her off… and unfortunately, I found one.
"Ah… Vivi? I think that we have more pressing issues at the moment."
"Like what?"
I swallowed heavily as I slowly pointed a shaking finger over her shoulder. "Like her," I squeaked.
"YOU!"
Vivi's rage died swiftly and hard as she snapped her head around in horror. "Meep…"
And believe you me, Vivi's reaction was entirely appropriate, given her first encounter with the Matriarch of the Hiruno Famiglia not more than an hour ago.
~o~
-1 HOUR REMAINING-
"Princess Nefertari!"
I glanced up from the clipboard Vivi had handed off to me to catch sight of Arbell hastily approaching us, gnawing on her thumb with a level of anxiety uncharacteristic of someone who was wearing a furred coat and a tutu without a hint of shame. "This should be good for a laugh…" I mused.
"I COULD sure as hell use one…" Soundbite muttered, his voice unimpeded by the bundle of pens Vivi had stuck in his mouth.
"Hmm?" the princess barely glanced up from… whatever she'd been doing.
"You need to drop whatever it is you're doing, right away!"
That managed to get Vivi to snap her head up, albeit with an aggravated growl. "And why in the name of Set would I do that?"
Arbell grimaced as though she were on the edge of ralphing. "Because the Hiruno Famiglia has been sighted on the horizon and will arrive soon, and Papa wants—!"
"Demands!" Hockera corrected as he jogged past us towards the front door.
"Grgh…" Arbell dragged her hand down her face. "Yes, yes, Papa demands that you be there to greet them. Best impressions and all that, for all that they're damnably wasted on those uncouth sons of…"
"Dear, your blood pressure," Salchow pleaded desperately as he came up behind his wife and rubbed her shoulders. "Best behaviour, remember?"
Arbell glanced at her husband out of the corner of her eye. "Don't you hate them as much as I do?"
"More," Salchow spat with a grimace. "I just find it more satisfying to fluster them with politeness and veiled snark than get up in their faces about it. So chin up, and let's get to it!"
Vivi returned the grimace and shook her head with a sigh. "Oh, very well, if I have to. Where do you—?"
"Ah, Vivi!" I yelped, hastily stepping in front of her. "Lemme just…" I swiftly raised my hand as if to brush at her hair, causing her to flinch, and then I used my other hand to snatch her monocle off before her eyes reopened. "Alright, good to go!"
Vivi blinked her eyes open and smiled beatifically. "Thank you, Cross, I appreciate it." She then grinned uncertainly. "But… um… would you mind coming with me? Just in case."
I sighed in relief as I subtly stuffed the damned eyepiece I was holding in my back pocket to be properly disposed of later. "Be right there with you."
She smiled gratefully, and a hasty bit of scrambling later—though I did spare a moment to appreciate the archway that Franky and Merry had constructed above the inner double doors—found me lingering off to the side, partly in shadow but within clear view and eyeshot of Vivi, while she and the Accino children—save for Lil, who was still in the back, most likely due to the whole 'brides and grooms' tradition—stood a short distance behind the double doors that led to the outside. They were the picture of class and etiquette, save for how Brindo and Campacino were bruised and growling at one another, and Arbell was grinding her teeth like a chainsaw.
The tension was palpable, as evidenced by the temperature rapidly rising as a surprisingly sober-looking Don Accino marched down the aisle, grumbling acridly as he adjusted his tie. "Alright, everyone here? Good," he snorted darkly. "Now I know we hate them, and they hate us, but let's just try and get through this so that we only ever have to interact through our subordinates, agreed?"
"Yes, Papa," the Accino children chorused, though my angle of view let me catch sight of them all crossing their fingers behind their backs.
"Ah… Mister Accino?" Vivi raised her finger hesitantly. "It just occurred to me now, but… am I to assume that you've already briefed the Hirunos about our… unique situation, since you wanted me to be here to greet them?"
Accino coughed slightly and glanced to the side. "A-ctually, they think you've all gone through Lovely Land's treatment and become compliant, are thus part of the dowry and that once we're done here, we'll be giving you to the Marines for your bounties."
"Ah, thank you, I just wanted to clear that I BEG YOUR PARDON!?" Vivi shrieked.
SLAM! WHOOOOSH!
Any further protest was killed by the doors to the outside slamming open via an obscenely stereotypical blast of cold air. After I got over my initial shivers from the frigid gale, I looked up and got my first look at the Hiruno Famiglia.
As the name implied, they were definitely mafia-themed, as demonstrated by the way the mooks flanking them were all dressed in spic and span suits. However, in terms of actual size, the family proper was no bigger than the Accinos, with only three individuals really standing out.
Heck, one of the three standing at the front wasn't all that scary; in fact, he was rather, well… pitiful. I mean, between the fact that he had barely any muscle on his bones, pasty pale skin, greasy black hair, sunken eyes and the way he seemed to keep twitching at anything and everything that moved, including his own shadow? I was honestly questioning whether or not one of Moriah's puppets had made a run for it. But going by the way the kid—and he was definitely a kid—barely scraped four-and-a-half feet tall? It looked like the poor bastard was our groom.
But still, for all that the kid was pitiful, the rest of his family more than made up for it by chilling me to the bone with a menacing aura that was definitely top-ten I'd encountered.
The… marginally less vile-looking of the two was a lanky male that reminded me of pre-Garp Helmeppo, if only by the aura his slicked back steel-gray hair and pince-nez gave off. Though to his credit, he was at least a little better built than Helmeppo. Still, his Helmeppo-ness was definitely emphasized by the quartet of… surprisingly identical-looking guards flanking him. All were dressed in tuxedos, and while the fact that they were all toting increasingly large violin cases would have normally made me think they were packing, the way their leader was tapping what looked to be a conductor's baton in his hand made me think twice. Honestly, I suppose it was only logical that there was someone on the Grand Line besides Brook who could incorporate music into their fighting, however much of an ass he projected.
But still, for all that the guy was bad, it was the Hiruno matriarch who really sold that these were the absolute last people you wanted to mess with. She seemed to be the polar opposite of Don Accino: a midget who was only over 3 feet tall, rail thin, and clothed from head to toe in a parka of steel-blue wool, whose hood was stretched over the twin buns her lilac hair was tucked into. Her face was wrinkled like old leather, and the light smile she had on despite her pinched expression was utterly belied by the way she seemed to make me shiver just by looking at her. Overall? Cold was the best, if not the only way to describe her.
Which was even more fitting, seeing as when she opened her mouth and spoke, she didn't so much 'speak' as she just flat-out breathed. "It's been a while, Fatso."
Don Accino responded by locking his jaw, presumably to keep from biting clean through his cigar, though for whatever reason, he didn't spike the temperature. "Midg—!" he started to rumble before flinching and coughing into his fist. "I mean, Hiuo."
Hiuo Hiruno's smile quirked up slightly as she swept one of her arms out. "I trust you recall my beautiful grandsons. My eldest, Pavarotto Hiruno."
I tried to turn my attention to the apparently musical bounty hunter, but the process was made a bit difficult due to the fact that he wasn't standing where I'd last seen him. Rather, he was…
"For the love of God…" I facepalmed in an effort to escape the sight of the smarmy ass kneeling before and holding the hand of an obviously disgusted Arbell.
"Ah, my star-crossed muse," he said, his voice high-pitched and reedy in that way that makes you want to punch whoever it's attached to. "I am so glad to see you again! Once this is over, I shall compose my greatest work and spread the tale of our love across all the Blues!"
"How… nice…" Arbell bit out, only just managing to bite back her obvious bile in the process. "But as I've already told you countless times, Pavarotto… I'm already spreading the tale of my love across the Blues—!"
"With me," Salchow snarled, shoving himself between his wife and her… I'll be unduly polite and term him 'admirer'.
Said politeness became even more undue when Pavarotto blankly looked at Salchow for a moment before leaning around him to give Arbell a bemused look. "Still?"
"WELL," Soundbite whistled as Hockera and Brindo restrained a snarling Salchow. "THAT EXPLAINS the hate-on."
"Eeyup," I sighed. "Oh, this is gonna be fun…"
"And, of course," Hiuo breezed on, entirely ignoring the exchange as she waved at the kid standing at her other side, causing him to flinch fearfully. "My youngest and one of the…" I swear I heard her skin crack as she twisted her mouth into a smile. "Guests of honour, Burrato."
"Uh, a-a-ah…" Burrato swallowed heavily as he stared up at Don Accino's unilaterally massive form and met his impassive gaze, and he shakily raised his hand in an attempt to wave.
"S-S-Satisfacto-oh-no-no-no-I-I-I-mean-Salisbu-t-t-that-is-to-say-Salut-tatio—"
Hiuo's expression didn't even shift an inch as she rammed her heel into her grandson's shin.
It was… a bit disturbing that all the poor bastard did was flinch. "Uh, G-G-Greetings."
Accino scowled, though whether it was at the Hiruno Matriarch's display or the Hiruno Matriarch period, I couldn't tell you.
Ignoring said scowl, Hiuo… I think she swept her gaze side-to-side, going by how her head tilted, but it was hard to say with how her eyes were pinched shut. "So, do tell me, where is your contribution to this arrangement of ours, hm? I don't see her anywhere, and I'd very much like to pinch my cute little granddaughter-in-law."
"Doesn't she mean pinch her—?" Soundbite asked nervously.
"I doubt it…" I muttered back.
"Lil is in the back," Accino growled as he huffed out a dark cloud of smoke. "And will remain there until the ceremony, as per tradition. For now, I suggest you try to remain patient until the preparations are finished."
"Which I assure you will be within the hour!" Vivi promised as she stepped up with a surprisingly genuine-looking smile. "It's my honour to make the acquaintance of the esteemed matriarch of the Hiruno family. I'm not sure if you recognize me, but—!"
"Oh, no, no, my dear, I assure you, I recognize you perfectly well," Hiuo simpered as she slowly reached out her hand. "Princess Nefertari Vivi, correct?"
Vivi allowed herself to relax marginally as she reached her hand out. Shockingly, Accino actually tensed at that.
"Princess, don't!" he started to protest.
Vivi looked up at him in confusion. "Wha—?"
"Worth… ฿80 Million, I believe?"
CRACK!
"YEARGH!" Vivi screamed, falling to her knees as she clawed at her suddenly blackened and corpse-like shoulder.
"Your head, that is," Hiuo Hiruno hissed, steam rising up from her point of contact with Vivi's hand as well as the hag's arm, which looked almost frosted over.
"VIVI!" I shouted, sprinting towards her.
"WAAAACK!" Carue howled as he suddenly appeared nearby, dropping from a Shave in favour of charging at the damnable witch. With every intention of doing the same, I reached into my jacket and promptly swore as I recalled that my baton was long gone, and Funkfreed was still across the room at the gift table.
However, going by the way Pavarotto glanced at the duck and flicked his baton at him dismissively, that was probably a good thing for me. "Allegro."
SKRANG!
"QUACK!"
I was promptly proven right when three of Pavarotto's quartet suddenly surrounded Carue, bows drawn and at his neck. Violin bows, mind you, complete with full-sized violins and cellos of increasing size that I'd bet my greaves were all made of stupidly tough and, in the case of the bows proper, stupidly sharp metal. Honestly, they just proved I probably wouldn't have been able to do much anyway.
"LOOK OUT!"
SKRANG!
"Sonnuva!" I flinched back fearfully as the fourth bastard mirrored his cohorts' actions on me. Right, really couldn't have done much.
"Note to self: find a way to remotely GASTRO-BLAST WAX," Soundbite hissed murderously.
"Hell, figure out how to Gastro-Blast remotely, period, and I'll give you enough lettuce to fill a hammock," I hissed back.
"Silence."
THWACK!
"HURGH!" I folded around the fist buried in my gut, breath wheezing out of me, and I was vaguely aware of Pavarotto strolling over to leer down at me.
"Impressive, aren't they?" he chuckled, condescension dripping from every syllable. "I acquired them from some… associates of ours, shall we say? In the North Blue. Indeed, my String Quartet's speed and fencing skills are rivalled only by their musical capabilities." His sneer widened as he started running his fingers tenderly over his baton. "Did you know that a good interrogation with a symphony in the background has the added effect of traumatizing the worms in question so that they can never listen to that piece of music again? Ah, to play the same piece again later on and watch them squirm…"
"Ah, b-b-brother!" Burrato attempted to protest, sidling up and laying his hand an inch above his brother's arm. "T-T-There really is no n-n-need for such r-r-repetiti-a-a-ah I m-mean s-such r-r-revoluti-uh, t-t-that is to say—!"
Pavarotto didn't even look up from his baton as he offhandedly thwacked the back of his brother's head.
"—y-yes, brother…" Burrato flinched as he lapsed into silence.
Following that, there was a tense moment as everyone eyed one another warily, broken only by the quiet groans of pain that seeped through Vivi's clenched teeth…
"Tsurararararara…"
And ultimately, Hiuo's malicious chuckling. "You should really learn to keep your pets on a better leash, Fatso," she breathed, her voice reminiscent of some unearthly wraith. "Otherwise, they might give my tender skin a scratch when we turn in their hides for the rewards. And seeing as we wouldn't want that…"
I am not ashamed to admit that I was deeply disturbed by the way the old hag's wrinkled, ancient visage morphed into a mask of icy creases with three gaping holes where her eyes and mouth should have been.
"Maybe I should just do us all a favour and neuter them wholesale…"
My heart all but stopped when she lifted her hand at Vivi's face, though that could have also been on account of the surrounding temperatures plummeting to sub-freaking zero.
"Starting with—"
"ENOUGH."
Madam Hiruno snapped her hand back with a practically vampiric hiss as the ambient temperature suddenly spiked to several dozen degrees above average, causing trails of steam to waft up from her body.
Accino was steaming as well as he glared down at the frigid witch, only he did so with righteous wrath. "Out," he spat. "Now. Before I melt you into a puddle."
The hag stared back at the Don with an unreadable look before chuckling and shaking her head. Allowing her frost to disappear, she turned away, unperturbed by the glares from the Accinos and us. "Seeing as the merchandise is at least semi-secure, we shall leave them in your hands until the ceremony. We shall wait on our ship in the meantime. Come along, everyone." She waved her hand casually as she started shuffling out. "Let us leave the Accinos to, how shall I put it… play at bounty hunting."
The stringfellows lowered their bows as Pavarotto flicked his baton at them, allowing Carue to dash over to Vivi and start to comfort her as the soldiers followed their leaders.
Burrato watched his grandmother fearfully for a moment before hastily dropping into a bow, directed at the Don himself. "M-M-My s-s-syndic-a-ah, m-my s-s-silli-e-e-eh… m-m-my sincerest—erk!" His speech cut off as the passing Pavarotto grabbed his collar and started to bodily drag him down the aisle. The youngest Hiruno eyed his elder sibling hesitantly before settling for a meek wave at the Accinos.
The very second that the door closed behind them, Don Accino knelt next to Vivi and grabbed her blackened arm.
"Hold still," he grunted disdainfully.
"W-What are you—AGH!" Vivi hissed in pain when a blast of steam shot up from her limb.
"You sonnuva—!" Carue started to squawk before Accino pinned him with a heated glare.
"Unless you want her to lose that arm," he snarled. "Shut the hell up and let me fix what that blasted shrimp did."
"And what the hell did she do!?" I demanded indignantly. "Vivi's arm looks like it came out of a ten-round match against Jack-freaking-Frost!"
The surrounding temperature increased, and the man turned a bit redder. But as he refocused his attention on Vivi's arm, the effects diminished slightly. "You're not far off the mark," he grumbled at last.
"M-Mister Accino?" Vivi managed to groan out as her fingers slowly regained their previous colour, which began to spread up the rest of the limb.
"What, you think I hate her for shits and giggles?" the 10,000 Degree Man growled darkly. "The midget's literally my polar opposite, not just in body, but in abilities. Consider yourself grateful for my aid; if it weren't for my Hot-Hot Fruit, your arm would have fallen off from the Cold-Cold Fruit's frostbite before your doctor could even think about boiling water."
"…I speak for all of us when I say we appreciate that, Don," I said slowly, shivering for a reason entirely separate from any lingering temperature the Hirunos might have left in their wake. "But why would she—?"
"Because the Hirunos are all sadistic to the core, and they love to see their prey suffer," Brindo snorted. "You know that our modus operandi is gathering pirates and treating them so that they're docile when the Marines get hold of them. They're delusionally happy, but happy nonetheless."
"Whereas they," Campacino continued, shaking his head in disgust. "They hand over little more than corpses with heartbeats. They sneak aboard the ships of pirates upon the sea under the cover of night, destroy the lines, steering, and any navigational equipment, and then leave them adrift. Then, when dawn comes, they have trained birds circle the ship carrying mirrors to direct sunlight at them, cooking the poor bastards in their own beds."
"And just to be really mean," Hockera finished grimly, jabbing his thumb at the doors. "The entire time, that damn gaol ship of theirs is looming on the horizon, just out of firing range but always just in sight. We might gloat sometimes, but that's just bad sportsmanship right there."
I stared at the Accinos in horror before glaring at the yet-silent Don. "And you want your daughter to marry into that family of… of—!"
"'Want'!? Not on your life!" Accino barked viciously, the temperature abruptly spiking as the air around him started to waver. "But I need this marriage! The Hirunos are vicious bastards who never miss an opportunity to steal from or harass my family, attacking my men, raiding Lovely Land for our pacified bounties! And with you pirates becoming stronger and stronger, we can't afford that kind of interference! That's—!"
"Ah, M-Mister Accino!" Vivi hissed, flinching away from him as his rising temperature started to burn her newly rejuvenated arm.
The Don glanced at her before straightening himself up with a hard snort, his anger hanging around him like a haze. Actually, wait, no, that was a proper heat haze rising around him. "Cooperation," he growled as he loomed menacingly, scorching holes in the carpet at his feet. "Or extermination. Our only options. Should the ceremony go as planned, I'll let you all go as wild on the Hirunos as you want before you get the hell out of here. Now get back to work so that we can go down the path where we all live."
And with that, he stormed away. I took a couple of seconds to force down my newfound empathy for the Accinos and hatred for the Hirunos before I moved over to Vivi's side. "Are you alright, Vivi?"
The princess blinked at me, then looked down at her arm, grimacing uncomfortably as she flexed her joints. "Mmph… It's numb, and I've got pins and needles up my arm, but I think that any lasting damage has been undone. I'll check with Chopper before I get back to supervising things…" She looked back up, her eyes glinting. "But before that, we've got one more thing to do."
I followed her line of sight and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I get you. C'mon, let's—!"
"Uh, wait real quick. Blue twin? Quick question," Soundbite asked uneasily as he glanced upwards. "THOSE TRAINED BIRDS THE HIRUNOS USE… THEY WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE VULTURES, would they?"
Both twins blinked. "Actually, yes. Their natural ominousness only underlines their menace, and they get their pickings of any bountiless cadavers the Marines don't want. Why do you ask?"
"…NO REASON. Hey, Cross, just humour me, would you? Take two… three steps back?"
I promptly did so, hauling Vivi with me…
CRASH!
Just as a light fixture landed where I had been standing two seconds prior. A quick glance up revealed what I really should have expected: two vultures sitting upon the rafters, staring at me with… wait, why did those goggles and the sheer apathy they provided look familiar?
… ah, shit.
"…I take it you're acquaintances of Miss Friday?" I managed.
"First cousins," one of the birds droned back.
"But don't worry," the other picked up, voice just as flat. "This isn't personal, we just enjoy killing pirates as a matter of principle."
"BULLSHIT ON THE PERSONAL PART, TRUTH ON THE SADIST PART," Soundbite deadpanned.
"Buzz off, buzzards," Hockera snarled, juggling a puck on his stick. "If anything wrecks this wedding, Papa and your boss are going to be furious."
"Oh?" One of the vultures tilted its head to the side just so. "You mean like you brats are planning?"
The Accino children and Vivi stiffened, but the other vulture waved its wing dismissively.
"Feh, don't worry," it scoffed. "We won't spill anything. After all, what with the chaos you're planning on raising, we'll have our free pickings of Cross's brains—" The other vulture jabbed its wing's elbow into its compatriot's side. "I mean, we'll have our free pickings of pirate brains."
"Have fun raising hell," the first vulture saluted casually, and with that, the pair flapped up and away into the shadows of the rafters.
We all stared up after them before Vivi coughed heavily and pulled herself up to her feet. "A-Anyway… Carue. Get back to the gifts, this shouldn't take long."
Carue nodded hesitantly. "Good wuck, Vivi."
"And where do you think you two are going?" Arbell asked as I followed after Vivi. I paused and looked back at her.
"We're going to save your collective rear ends. Are you going to stop us?" I drawled.
She opened her mouth. Then she hesitated. Then she looked away.
"…no," she said at last.
"I didn't think so."
And with that, we both began power-walking down the hallway until we came to a small shrine to the Virgin Mary, where Don Accino was attempting to keep his composure. A feat that was clearly made difficult by our intrusion, based on the fact that the nearest candles flared three times hotter.
"What is it?" he growled, not even deigning to look back at us.
Soundbite and I cast uneasy glances at Vivi, but she didn't even flinch at the attention.
"You mentioned earlier that you were going to attempt to 'get hammered', but when you came out to greet the Hirunos, you were stone cold sober." She said it as a statement, rather than a question.
Don Accino started to turn his head…
"You accomplished that by raising your temperature and boiling all of the alcohol from your body."
And promptly went ramrod still.
Vivi wasn't even close to finished. "The reason you always go shirtless is that your sweat flash-boils on contact with your skin, and if you wore a shirt, either the moisture would weigh you down or the steam from your collar would cause you to asphyxiate. And when you're alone with your children, you always find your temperature automatically regulating itself to the approximate heat of a campfire: warm and comforting, so that they feel safe."
The Don slowly lumbered around to stare at us, his expression and temperature flickering between hesitant uncertainty and outrage. "How," he growled out furiously.
Vivi, however, met his stare head-on. "Don Accino, earlier you said that you're only going through with this wedding because you don't see any other choice to provide for your family's well-being and maintain your bounty-hunting career, with the increasing strength of pirates and the Hirunos harassing you at every turn." She placed her hand on her chest. "I can give you that choice."
The heat dimmed slightly as Accino's anger faded to something of a flat look. "I hope that you don't intend to offer me a position on your crew."
"Trust me, that idea appeals as little to us as it does to you," I stated with a flat look of my own. "But no, this isn't Straw Hat business." I swept my arm out to indicate Vivi. "It's Alabastan business."
Vivi crossed her arms, eyes filled with determination and gaze locked with the Don. "Given the severance of ties with the World Government, the Kingdom of Alabasta still recognizes me as its princess. And with the authority of that title, I would like to offer you the country's highest honour and authority outside of the royal family itself: that of one of the country's Royal Guardians."
Don Accino's eyebrows rose, his anger fading completely in favour of curiosity. "In spite of me not being a Zoan like your current two Guardians?"
That actually got a blink from me. "Wait, how—?"
"Chaka the Jackal and Pell the Falcon, worth ฿50 and ฿55 Million respectively," Accino deadpanned.
"…Right," I coughed into my fist.
Vivi, who I guess had been keeping up with the news of her country more than I, just smiled as she shook her head in denial. "I'm offering the position because you're not a Zoan. You see, the reason I know so much about the finer mechanics of the Hot-Hot Fruit is that in my country, it has another name: the Rage of Alabasta. Your powers are one of my kingdom's national treasures, right alongside Chaka and Pell's…" Her smile twitched slightly as her hand clenched into a murderous grip. "And Crocodile's."
Even behind his sunglasses, I could see when Accino blinked in surprise before slowly looking down at his hands. "My powers… are that significant?"
"I can name no fewer than seven instances where your powers have saved my nation and its people, and those were just the instances where its user acted alone," Vivi confirmed with a wistful smile, before shifting to solemn.
"The Rage was lost to us several centuries ago, when it was stolen by pirates and taken out to sea. And now that I've finally found it again…" Vivi reached into her pocket, withdrew a familiar-looking hourglass-shaped object and held it out to the Don. "I've kept two Eternal Poses to Alabasta with me as a reminder of my home. If you would be willing to travel to and live in Alabasta, I would entrust this one to you so that you could make the voyage. Now more than ever, my father would be grateful beyond measure for your return, and he would be willing to offer you and your family lodgings in the royal palace and all of the luxuries afforded by it. As one of the country's guardians, you would be loved and respected by everyone in the kingdom, and you would have no shortage of fights to preserve your lifestyle, especially in these trying times. Your powers will be at their absolute strongest in the desert, both day and night, and you will have access to all records of past users, to understand the full extent of your abilities."
"And if you're worried about your collection, don't be," I piped up. "Not only will there always be pirates utterly stupid enough to try attacking Alabasta, but with the Marines as your enemy, you'll be able to double your collection. Marine flags might be uniform, but you gotta admit, there's gotta be something appealing about the idea of collecting the coats of officers, no?"
Accino's lips quirked upwards in a brief smirk, then his expression shifted back to neutral.
"I will admit, the offer is very appealing," the Don admitted. "But aside from your knowledge of my powers, however admittedly in-depth… how am I to be sure that you're not simply fabricating everything else, trying to save yourself?"
"If I may?" I piped up, then powered on before Vivi could open her mouth. "You said yourself that you've been listening to the SBS since the first day with almost religious fervour, right? Well, based on that, answer this: would Vivi, almost universally loved in her home nation, Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, lie about this?"
Vivi's attention returned to the Don, whose expression was quickly fading into serious contemplation. Seeing that, she smiled and tucked the pose back into her pocket.
"I'll give you the time you need to think about it. In the meantime, however, we'll continue on the deal we've already made."
She bowed, then began walking back out of the room, and I followed behind her.
"Well, I'd say that went as well as it could have," I cheerfully observed.
"Agreed," Vivi nodded thoughtfully. "Given the drastic change in lifestyle, I wouldn't expect him to accept right away, but given the… alternative…" She shivered, then shook her head. "Either way, though, until he accepts, we need to keep the plans going, if only so that the Hirunos don't suspect anything."
I nodded in agreement, and with that, she raised her monocle to her eye and—
I snapped my hand to my back pocket, and paled when I found the damned piece of glass to be absent. "Ohh, shite." I only had enough time to realize just how utterly I was screwed before she snapped her gaze back to me and practically pinned me like a bug.
"So, the next orders of business. Cross, I am going to the kitchen both to tell Sanji to start laying out what food he's finished preparing and to have Chopper look over my arm. You go find Nami and tell her to recruit Arbell if she's willing, so that we can all have appropriate attire for this event. I'll send Chopper to help if he's available, but whatever happens, I won't have us looking like we walked in off the streets. And finally…" She leaned in to snarl in Soundbite's face. "Find. Luffy."
"I-I-I've been trying!" he whimpered fearfully. "BUT I CAN'T HEAR him anywhere! It's like HE'S PULLED A ZORO, OR A NAMI!" He then glanced away and muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "Or a you."
"What was that?"
"YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE!" Soundbite sang.
"Less using your eyes, more using your damn ears," Vivi ordered irritably. "And don't you stop until you find that rubber monkey! Am I clear!?"
"Crystal," I managed to sigh rather than bite out.
Nodding, Vivi swept past me and out of the room. As soon as she was out of earshot, I looked at my partner and pitched my voice low enough that even I couldn't hear it, while at the same time minimizing the movement of my lips.
"Alright, real first things first: keep an eye on that Burrato fellow. I might pity the hell out of him, but the last thing we need is for him to pull a runner…" I coughed a chuckle into my fist as a thought occurred to me. "Or worse, for him to accidentally slap the ring on a corpse."
"Not a fan of Tim Burton?"
"Oh, no, I am." I shuddered dramatically. "I'm just not a fan of the idea of running through his works twice in a row."
"…I dunno if that sounds FUN OR TERRIFYING."
"The answer, as it should ever be, is yes. Anyway…" My gaze hardened. "Connect me to Conis."
Soundbite promptly cut his laughter off in favour of our gunner's curious gaze. "Cross? What's wrong? We just saw the Hirunos leave. Is everything alright?"
"Well, that depends," I borderline snarled. "Do we have any explosives that can be easily and quickly remotely detonated?"
"Uh… yeah, Usopp, Chopper and I came up with the idea a while back, and we've got a dozen or two working prototypes in Sunny's hold, and… we think that the detonator we worked up with what Soundbite told us about radio waves should work. Why do you ask?"
I turned a glare in the general direction of the object of my ire. "Because Madam Hiruno decided to try and rot Vivi's arm off with frostbite for shits and giggles."
Conis was pointedly silent for a second before slowly glancing to the side. "So, I'll just go ahead and tell Boss and his students to line their ship's keel, then?"
"Yeah, you go do that," I agreed, moving to chop my hand across my throat before a thought occurred to me. "Oh, and if the penguins try to stop them, tell them the order came from Arbell. It's technically true anyway."
"Will do," she nodded, and with that, the connection was dropped.
My partner grinned wickedly as I turned around. Then I paused and spoke again as I started walking, this time not bothering to be quiet. "One more thing: pass on a message to the TDWS…"
As I walked and talked, I worked to suppress a sadistic grin from spreading across my face. This whole thing was shaping up to be one hell of a blowout.
The only potential major hurdle I could think of would be staying out of that Cold-Cold witch's way, but c'mon, how hard could that be?