"Uhhh…" Sanji blinked slowly, taking in the scene before him as he walked across the deck, fresh from his most recent brawl with Zoro. "Yeeeaaah, I got nothing. Someone want to fill me in on what just happened?"
"Oh, we're training!"
Sanji turned his head towards Donny and felt his eye twitch at what he saw.
"Is that Brook's skull?"
"Yep!" Donny nodded in confirmation. "Like I said, training. Got a bit… eh, weird, but, hey." He shrugged dismissively. "Devil Fruits, right?"
The Straw Hats' cook slowly pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt a migraine coming on. "Please tell me that this training didn't end up killing our musician."
"Actually, if we want to be pedantic, I was killed by the first poisoned arrow that struck me. Went clean through my knee! I eventually walked it off, though! I have no idea why so many people make such a big deal out of that kind of injury."
Sanji pointedly ignored the plaintive "Soundbite…" and taunting "STILL NOT ME!" that wafted over from the quarterdeck in favor of cracking his eyes open and taking in the fact that Brook's skull was literally smiling up at him. "Dare I even ask where the rest of you is?"
"My skeleton came apart when I lost my head, so Chopper is reassembling my bones as we speak, and wiring them together for good measure," Brook glibly informed him. "Until then, Donny has been so kind as to grant me mobility! It's actually quite nice!"
"…It's a wonder that I actually find the sight of one of my crewmates carrying a talking skull around to be normal," Sanji deadpanned.
"Oh, I dunno!" Donny piped up, an eager grin slipping across his face. "I think there are some advantages to the situation! Observe!" The dugong proffered the afro'd cranium with dramatic flare. "Alas, poor Yorick!" he declared in a grandiose tone as he gesticulated with his free flipper.
"I knew him, Horatio! A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy!" Soundbite piped up happily.
"Oh, please stop, you're making me blush! Even though I have no cheeks or blood to blush with! YOHOHOHO! SKULL JOKE!" Brook cackled in Donny's palm.
A very prominent sweatdrop bloomed on the back of Sanji's skull as he watched the scene. "This is just morbid."
"You say morbid, I say hilarious!" Donny sniggered as he casually bounced Brook from flipper to flipper. "And Mikey says I don't have a sense of humor! HA!"
"Horohorohorohoro," Perona giggled behind her hand as her spirit floated by, causing Donny and Brook to fearfully glance up. "I have to admit it, that is funny."
"I beg to differ," Vivi huffed as she came up from below deck, clad in a sundress and taking it all in with a flat expression. "At least it was better than the stunt Cross pulled…" Her expression fell even flatter. "Though I'd just like to make it known that I find it deeply disturbing that both times that part has been re-enacted by this crew, it's been with separate, genuine human skulls."
"Noted, my most dearly beloved of princesses!" Sanji sang rapturously before snapping back to serious and jabbing his thumb over his shoulder. "But, ah… seriously, I was more asking about the giant bug that our captain is riding?"
"Captain and captain of the ship's guard, to be specific," Cross offered with a cheery smile as he came over, having changed into a fresh hoodie. "And if that weirds you out, I suggest you not delve further. It's just as weird with context as without, so you're not missing much."
"Delightful," the princess deadpanned. "So, anything to tell us, or—?"
"Hey, don't look at me," Cross raised his hands in casual surrender. "Until we hit the Red Line again, you all are outta luck for spoilers from me."
"Oooh, so the smartass isn't quite so smart anymore?" Perona chuckled tauntingly as she floated in Cross's face. "I'm both disappointed and delighted!"
"Ya ever hear that saying ABOUT KEEPING YOUR TRAP SHUT IF YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY?" Soundbite sneered at the ghost, before blinking as everyone stared flatly at him. "HEY, WHAT GIVES!?"
"We're just all surprised that you know that phrase, you undercooked hors d'ouevre," Sanji said.
"OF COURSE I KNOW THAT PHRASE!" Soundbite sniffed indignantly. "I just CHOOSE NOT TO FOLLOW IT."
"Hypocrisy at its finest," Zoro scoffed from across the deck. "So, now what?"
Nobody noticed the impish smirk that flashed across Perona's face, but they did see the angelic expression she adopted. "Well I do hope something is done about that big mean bug soon enough!" she lamented in a pretentious tone of voice. "After all, when you Straw Hats are involved, who knows just what could happen!"
Cross cocked his eyebrow at her as he slowly took a step back. "You do realize that that phrase is like painting a big fat bull's-eye on your face, right?"
To that, Perona just smirked harder. "Mm, I don't think so. I wasn't very specific, after all."
Before Cross could respond to that, the insectoid buzzing that had formed a constant white noise for the past five minutes suddenly picked up in intensity, suddenly joined by grunts of dugong exertion and Luffy's joyous whoops. All eyes turned seaward to find the massive beetle making a beeline for the deck—and more importantly, to fly right over Cross' head.
"And you do realize that I'm intangible right now, right?" Perona shoved her smirk in Cross's face.
The strategist paled in terror. "You little—!"
"HEY, GUYS! NEED SOME HELP UP HERE!" Luffy yelled down at his crew.
And before anyone could react, a rubbery hand shot clean through Perona's chest and latched onto Cross's collar.
Cross stared blankly at the fist for a moment as the arm it was attached to started to go taut before heaving a tired sigh. "Luffy, you might have gotten smarter, but you are still a dumb son of a—YARGH!"/"WAHOOHOOHOOIE!" Cross and Soundbite wailed in unison as they were yanked clear off the deck and up onto the writhing insect's back.
The crew all watched, silent, as the titanic beetle zipped back into the air with a particularly rapid-fire aileron roll.
"Ooooh, he is not going to like that…" Brook breathed… well, breathlessly.
"Different story for me~!" Perona sang, and before anyone else could say anything, she soared back through the air to the quarterdeck, where she landed in her bikini-clad body and promptly set about hugging her Bearsy, the cloth only barely muffling a squeal of mirth.
"What's got you all cheery?"
Perona glanced over to where Nami was looking up from her own seat with an expression that was equal parts curious and concerned. Normally, Perona would have just scoffed and dismissed the woman with a flippant comment or an offhanded Negative Hollow, but…
"Oh, I just got Cross to get snagged onto the big buggy up there by your captain." Perona jabbed her thumb upwards with a confident smirk.
Nami glanced up—
"Snrk!"
And promptly had to cover her mouth to suppress a snort of laughter. "Oh, man, that's a good one! But, uh…" She then trailed off into a nervous grimace. "I hope you do remember that Cross is a vindictive bastard and that he's going to see that you pay dearly for that."
"HA! What do I have to worry about… from…" Perona trailed off, her expression falling flat. Then her face grew slightly ashen, and she chuckled nervously as she slowly pointed towards the main deck. "Uh… I, ah… Imma just… gonna go and stash my body, if that's alright with you."
"You go do that if you think it'll do you any good," Nami chuckled. "Just hope that Cross's landing is a good one, otherwise he's going to be really—!"
Out of nowhere, the giant beetle suddenly bucked like it'd been kicked in the face before turning over into a nosedive face-first into the cliffside of a nearby island, really just a spire of rock poking out of the horizon at this distance.
Nami sat up and blinked in surprise. "Huh, wouldja look at that, they found land. Lucky us." She then directed a sympathetic wince at Perona. "Unlucky you."
The Ghost Princess let out a sound not unlike a whimper.
-o-
"Urgh…" Boss groaned as he sat up on his tail, head pounding like the entire Royal Army was using it for marching maneuvers. "Where's the flying Sandora Dragon that body slammed me?"
He glanced to his right, where a familiar giant beetle was sprawled on its back, eyes spinning. Beside the beetle was Cross, lying face-down in the dirt and Soundbite's shell spinning wildly on its back with the snail's eyes sticking out and spinning dizzily. Oh, and Luffy trying to yank his head out of where it'd gotten lodged in the cliff face, naturally.
"Oh, right," he drawled, shaking his head as it all came back to him.
"S'ndb'te…" Cross muttered into the dirt before weakly pushing himself onto his back and spitting out a few strands of grass. "I just want you to know… I both applaud and disdain your idea to blast that thing in the face with a Gastro-Blast."
"I AIN'T THAT proud of myself, either, DON'T WORRY…" Soundbite gurgled as his spinning slowed to a halt.
"Good, good… and just out of curiosity, have you ever wondered what rubber tastes like?"
"Well, now that you mention it…"
"You'll have to get your pound of flesh some other time," Boss cut in as he slowly slid into a fighting position. "Because right now, we're still a bit busy! If a hit that weak took down that big lug, then I'll eat my own flippers!"
"Eh?" Cross tilted his head over to look at boss. "The heck are you—?"
Out of the blue, the giant beetle regained its senses and flipped back to his (and it was definitely a he, if its tone of voice was anything to go by) heavily armored legs with a flanging roar. At the same time, Luffy ripped his head out of the cliff and brought most of it down with him as he loosed a bestial roar all his own.
"NOW I'M FIRED UP!" the rubber-man bellowed. He then donned a viciously eager grin as he raised his fists into a ready position and squared off against his insectoid rival. "Man, you're a really tough beetle! Really cool too!" Luffy's grin slowly doubled in size as he lowered his stance. "And… you really want to keep fighting, don't you?"
The titan-bug hesitated slightly, and then his mandibles curled into a grin and he bucked his head in an insectoid approximate of a nod. He let loose a warbling, eager-sounding cry as he pawed at the ground, his wings literally buzzing with eager, pent-up energy.
Luffy blinked in surprise before glancing at his third mate's partner in confusion. "What'd he say?"
"DAMMIT, CAPTAIN, I'M A MOLLUSK, NOT AN arthropod!"
"And since when has something as trivial as species ever stopped you before?" Cross snorted, having yet to shift from his prone position.
Soundbite, meanwhile, abruptly stopped his spinning and flipped onto his more stable and sticky side, casting a bemused look at his armored cousin. "BEFORE, YOU'D HAVE A POINT. NOT IN THIS CASE. I can't make heads or tails of what he said… OR ANYTHING HE'S SAYING FOR THAT MATTER. I'd say it's all Greek to me, but I know that too!"
Cross blinked in surprise before leaning up into a sitting position. "You… can't translate him? Not even with his Voice?" he said in surprise.
"Oh, well, of course THAT works… but that's like looking at the binary for a piece of digital art! IMPRESSIONS, EMOTIONS, THE GENERAL GIST."
"Well, what're those, then?" Luffy asked, almost oblivious to the increasingly annoyed beetle.
"Uhh…" Soundbite's eyestalks crossed inquisitively. "Ignoring the mounting temper at being ignored… you're a good fight, BOTH YOU AND BOSS ARE A LOTTA FUN TO BRAWL WITH, he's looking forwards to grinding you two into the dirt—"
"You're dead," Boss stated as he slammed his flippers' 'knuckles' together, drawing a warning growl and glare from the insect.
"You're gonna fit right in!" Luffy cackled eagerly, gearing up to launch forwards—
"WHOA, RED FLAG ON THAT PLAY!" Soundbite's eyestalks suddenly snapped to attention in alarm as pure fury flashed through his cousin's being. "LUFFY, THIS ISLAND IS THE BUG'S PROUD HOME AND DUTY IN ONE, IT CAN AND INTENDS TO DEFEND THIS PLACE until it's dead and gone! No way in hell you're getting him off this island!"
Luffy and Boss both blinked in surprise at that comment, followed by Luffy sagging despondently as the beetle snorted and nodded in clear agreement. "Aww, really? There's seriously no way?"
"PUT IT THIS WAY: MERRY WOULD HAVE AN EASIER TIME getting you to let her swallow your hat," Soundbite vowed solemnly.
Luffy's eyes darkened for an instant, his hand shooting up to his treasure. Then he sighed in disappointment. "Alright…" Then his bad mood evaporated as he turned back to the beetle with a sunny grin. "Hey, we're not here to hurt anyone or steal anything. If you don't wanna fight anymore—"
That got a particularly irritated-sounding roar and some earthshaking stomping.
"Did you forget the parts about 'FUN TO BRAWL WITH' and 'grind you into the dirt'?" Soundbite deadpanned.
"I'm with him there!" Boss cut in, a few degrees down from snorting out a blast of steam. "Sorry, Captain, but you're just gonna have to get in line, because I've got a reputation to defend! I haven't lost a CQC brawl yet, and this oversized fly ain't gonna break it!"
"WHAT ABOUT literally every fight with the other Mon—?"
"THOSE ARE DRAWS!" Boss snapped without missing a beat. "I ain't gone all-out and beaten those guys to a bloody pulp yet because the costs outweigh the benefits in terms of training and the Sunny couldn't take it. But beetle-boy here?" He grinned fiercely as he rolled his shoulders. "He doesn't have that advantage to him, so I'm not gonna hold back on him!"
"Hey, no fair, you're stealing my fight!" Luffy whined… and then he blinked as something hit him. "Wait… you've fought Sanji and Zoro!? But we haven't fought yet! RAGH!" The rubber-man started stomping and swinging his arms furiously. "C'MON! YOU'RE ONE OF THE STRONGEST AND COOLEST FIGHTERS ON THE CREW! I WANNA FIGHT YOU! AND I WANNA FIGHT THE BEETLE! RAAAGH, WHO DO I FIGHT FIRST!?"
Said beetle snorted and shook its horn in an unimpressed manner.
"Big boy's got a good point, YOU'RE AN IDIOT," Soundbite deadpanned. "WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU just go battle royale AND BE DONE WITH IT!?"
Beetle, man, and dugong all froze, and a significant look passed between them.
"Y'know, Soundbite…" Boss said, in a voice akin to having seen a unicorn. "That's actually a really good idea."
"WHY DO YOU SOUND SO SURPRISED?!"
Cross, meanwhile, snorted and cackled in honest—if still tired—amusement. "Oh, I love when that happens to someone who's not me!"
"Anyway…" Boss slowly cracked his 'knuckles' as he grinned at his soon-to-be opponents. "No more delays. Let's find out… who here's the real strongest Monster in these seas!" The dugong then slammed his tail into the ground, cracking open a decently sized crater around him. "LET'S GO! THREE!"
The beetle threw its horn back and roared, the primal sound requiring no translation.
"ONE!" Luffy cackled, snapping his arm back in such a way that it was clearly angled towards the beetle. "GUM-GUM—!"
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"
"—GWAH!?"
Out of nowhere, a three-foot and change tyke in a pastel pink and yellow shirt and shorts along with a Marine cap and coat that were a few sizes too big for her, leapt onto Luffy's back and started going to town on his head with a thick-ended branch. The makeshift club didn't do any damage, obviously, but it did tilt his hat down over his eyes, and in the confusion Luffy's fist went out of his control—
THWACK! "GWAGH!"
And slammed clean into his own cheek, sending both himself and his impromptu passenger tumbling in the dirt, though that didn't hinder said passenger from continuing to wail on him in the least.
Cross's eye twitched slightly as he took it all in. "Oh, what fresh hell is this."
Boss cocked his eyebrow at his crew's third mate in surprise, the sudden show having knocked him clean out of his battle lust. "Since when are you this snippy?"
Cross let out a garbled grumble as he scratched at his hat with both heads. "Since our idiot captain batted you onto the giant bug over there, followed by said idiot captain then stretching himself up to said bug, and finally our resident Ghost Princess—who I still need to swear vengeance against, by the way— tricked said idiot captain into dragging me up to said bug, which culminated in our high-fiving a cliff with our bodies. Final count?" The tactician's eyes rolled up in his head and he flopped onto his back in a spread-eagled position. "Blame the idiot captain, leave me to my pain…"
"…It is a wonder that that whole series of events actually makes sense to me," Boss breathed. He then grimaced and kneaded his brow. "It also gives me a raging headache and pisses me off for some reason, why the hell am I pissed off?…ah!" The dugong pounded his flipper in his palm in realization. "Sonnuva seahorse! I lost my cigar!"
Soundbite boggled at the dugong. "HOW ADDICTED TO nicotine ARE you?"
"Tchyeah, like you don't eat lettuce almost religiously you little mrgrfrkr…" Boss trailed off into grumbling as he patted down his shell, followed by his perking up joyously as he withdrew one of his cigars. "Got one!" A few more seconds patting, however, got him sagging in dismay. "Don't got my flints and my weapon's back on the Sunny… damn it, anyone got a light?"
"Ah, here you go." There was a flick of metal, and a lighter was held before the Dugong.
"Thanks!" Boss hastily lit his cigar and took a greedy drag, which he snorted out with a contented hum. "Ahhhh yeah, that takes the edge off… thanks for that!" He then took a slower drag, and let the smoke hiss out slowly as he glanced up at the portly, gray-mustachioed old man wearing a boater hat and carrying a pipe who'd offered him the light. "And if you're expecting me to jump in surprise from you showing up like that, you're sorely mistaken."
"Hahaha, no worries, I wouldn't dream of it!" the old man chuckled good-naturedly as he waved the dugong down. "And it wasn't like I intentionally snuck up on you! I just wanted to say hello, and also to confirm something! You four, you're all members of the Straw Hat Pirates, correct?"
"Considering you had enough respect for Soundbite to count him as a crewmate?" Cross said. "I feel like you're nice enough to warrant an honest yes."
"Then in that case, allow me to introduce myself!" the old man laughed as he held his arms out invitingly. "My name is Fabre; I'm the mayor of these parts! Allow me to be the first to welcome you as the honored guests of Kansorn Island!"
"Well, I guess that means we don't have to introduce ourselves," Cross remarked. "But you'll understand if I take your warm welcome with a grain of salt."
"Just say HE'S SUSPICIOUS, DON'T MENTION THE SALT!" Soundbite snapped.
The mayor laughed again, waving a hand. "I understand your concern, but I promise you have nothing to fear from us. I was going to save this for when you reached our humble town, but once we confirmed that it was your ship on the horizon that Boss had buzzed, I decided to come here alone to ease your suspicions. You see, the reason you'll find you're quite welcome here is that most all of this island's inhabitants hail from the East Blue, where your crew originated. And even beyond that, quite a few of us actually hail from islands your original crewmates came from! Throw in your SBS sessions chronicling our exploits and, well…" Fabre beamed proudly. "Suffice to say that much of the island's been set up as a shrine to the Straw Hat Pirates, and everyone on the island is a big fan of your crew!"
"OWOWOWOW! GET OFF OF—!"
"NO, YOU GET OFF MY HOME!" CHOMP!
"—AAAARGH! LET GO LET GO LET GO!"
Everyone flinched and turned to watch in half bemusement, half sympathetic pain as Monkey D. Luffy, one of the strongest and most renowned pirates of his generation, ran around screaming his head off in pain as a little girl bit and scratched at his head.
"IIIII'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're going to tack on a 'most' to that last statement of yours?"
Fabre's weary sigh was all the answer the Straw Hats needed.
The beetle's reaction, meanwhile, seemed equal parts exasperated and fond, and it was with heretofore unseen delicacy that the titan stepped towards the squabbling pair. Then, with the same amount of delicacy, the beetle stretched its leg out, hooked the barbed tip in the back of the girl's shirt and pulled her off of Luffy, leaving her struggling in the air.
"Ah-hah-hah-haoooow…" Luffy whined, massaging his bite marks. "Why does stuff that shouldn't hurt me always hurt so much mooore…"
"Because the muse of comedy has Haki," Cross informed his captain.
"Oh, okay then…"
"Yoko!" Fabre spoke up, addressing the girl in a chastising tone. "I know you're not happy with this, but please! Surely you must understand that just attacking a person like that—!"
"I wouldn't ever attack someone like that, but I will attack a pirate like him each and every time!" the newly named Yoko spat venomously, swapping her glaring between Luffy and the mayor. "You and everyone else on the island might have gone crazy, but I haven't! No matter what you or anyone says, pirates are pirates! I won't let them hurt my home, no matter what!"
"We're not gonna hurt your home," Luffy said, much akin to saying that the sky was blue.
"I SAW YOU ATTACKING BOSS!" the girl roared, swinging in the bug's grip.
Luffy and his ship's guard both blinked and glanced at one another in confusion before the dugong slowly raised a flipper.
"Uh… I wanted him to attack me, and I was going to return the—" Boss Dugong started hesitantly, unfortunately missing how the local mayor was desperately chopping his hand across his neck in a plea for silence, which unfortunately came to naught when the rebellious girl interrupted him.
"Not you," Yoko snapped, her anger freezing over as she glared bloody murder at the amphibian pirate.
"Boss… was the name we gave to our large friend here when he came to us," Fabre clarified, drawing a friendly wave from the insect.
"But ever since your stupid show started, everyone's started calling him Boss Kabuto!" Yoko hissed, as though the words were heresy. "It was his name and you stole it! Boss is Boss, and only he can ever be the real Boss! You're just a dumb, smelly, pirate fake!"
Boss-the-Dugong blinked in surprise at the sheer vitriol in her words, and then he closed his eyes solemnly, his cigar bobbing up and down. "'Zat so…"
"Hey, you're wrong!"
Three of the present Straw Hats and the local mayor all winced at the sound of one of the few things that could escalate matters worse than Cross opening his mouth: Luffy opening his.
"My Boss is way stronger than your Boss, so that makes him the real Boss!" Luffy stated, accompanied by a foot stomp. "The other dugongs told me how he got his name! Only the strongest person around gets to be called… Boss… wait a second…"
Several confused glances were shared when Luffy suddenly trailed off, his head bowed and his face screwed up in intense thought. Cross, the lone exception to the above, leaned up into a sitting position and gave his captain a half-lidded stare. "Oh, this is bound to be good."
"The strongest fighter is called Boss," Luffy muttered under his breath, grinding his finger into his temple. "And I was gonna fight two other guys named Boss… and I was going to beat them too…"
"OI!" Boss Dugong barked indignantly, with the Kabuto edition giving an annoyed grunt of his own.
Several more seconds passed, and then… "AH!" Luffy's head snapped up in realization, and he pounded his fist in his palm. "When I beat the two of them, I'll be the Boss!"
"That's what he got out of this?" Fabre asked, his tone equal parts amazed and amused.
"A Boss Dugong, a Boss Kabuto and a Boss Monkey; did I stumble into a myth of some sort when I wasn't looking?" Cross questioned with familiar amusement.
"That's 'IF' you beat me, Captain!" Said Boss Dugong shook his fist defiantly at the rubber-man. "You can come at me with all barrels blasting, but I'm not gonna go down without giving you one hell of a fight!"
"And you're not fighting the real Boss at all!" Yoko cut in. If looks could kill, Luffy would have keeled over with a dozen stab wounds in his skull. "He's going to kick your ass so that you leave our island and never come back, but he won't fight you for fun! You might be a brainless thug, but not Boss!"
The beetle let out an offended sound, to which the Straw Hats looked at a frowning Soundbite. "UH… difference of opinion here, he's both as eager as a hound with a scent… and nostalgic as all hell?" Soundbite gave his odd sort-of shrug. "DON'T ASK ME."
"You're wrong, lying, stupid, or some combination of all three!" Yoko snorted. "Boss isn't like that! Right, Boss?" She smiled proudly at the titan bug, only for her face to fall when he failed to meet her gaze. "B-Boss?"
The Kaiser-sized kabuto gave out a lilting, apologetic rumble, gazing at the girl with regretful eyes.
"B-But why?!" Yoko demanded, anger and a little bit of betrayal coloring her voice. "You've always been by my side, protecting this island from pirates like them—" That last barbed word was accompanied by the girl jabbing her finger at Sunny, which had sailed closer over time. "—and now you want to—!"
Whatever rant Yoko had been working up to died in her throat when Boss Kabuto suddenly perked up and snapped his gaze to the ship. He then dropped the girl from his leg, lifted off, and buzzed a bee—er, beetleline straight towards the Sunny. And the reason it died became clear when she turned a smug grin on Luffy, Boss Dugong, and Cross.
"Hah, looks like you guys were wrong!" she crowed with way too much eager pride. "Now Boss is gonna go sink your ship, and you're all gonna leave crying, just like all the others!" She glanced back out to sea, where the titan-beetle was circling above the Sunny. "Any second now." A long pause, Yoko's foot tapping on the stone. "Aaaaaany second now…"
"Eh, do you think he's lost or something?" Luffy asked, head tilted in confusion.
Yoko snapped an affronted look at the rubber-man, ready to yell.
"Nah, there he goes," Boss Dugong interjected.
The girl then snapped her head around with a massive grin as the beetle dive-bombed the ship. "HA! See, I told—!"
Said beetle then merely buzzed the deck of the Sunny before pulling up and soaring straight back towards the island.
Yoko blinked in confusion. "What?"
Within moments, the beetle had returned and had plopped itself right back where it had been previously. And the blue and white trunked fish flopping incongruously from his mouth was both new and utterly impossible to miss. Once it was certain everyone had gotten a look at his prey, Boss Kabuto tossed the fish up into the air before swallowing it all in a single gulp. He then followed this move up by giving them all a cocky grin and pointedly licking his mandibles.
It didn't take long for everyone present to put the pieces together.
"Was that an Elephant Blue-Fin Tuna?" Fabre wondered.
"Did that come from our ship!?" Luffy demanded.
"Did that thing just eat our lunch in front of us to spite us!?" Boss fumed.
"Were those assholes fishing while we fought for dear life!?" Cross raged, his gaze focused more on their own ship.
Yoko didn't say anything. At least, not anything with words. Following the wordless scream of frustration she let loose, the girl stomped off. Boss Kabuto tried to trot after her, but the scathing glare she snapped at him halted the ten-ton insect in his tracks. When she tromped into a cave in the cliffside, he didn't follow.
In fact, he stayed in that position for a solid few minutes before glancing guiltily at the other fighters and warbling regretfully.
"No need to translate that, it's clear he's not that keen on fighting anymore," Boss said, waving his flipper dismissively.
"Actually, that's only half THE EXPLANATION," Soundbite informed him, staring at the titan Kabuto in awe. "That… That big guy, BOSS KABUTO… his Voice, his being, HE'S… HE'S changing…"
"Oh, it's that time already?" Fabre perked up and shot an inquisitive look at Boss K, who grunted and nodded in confirmation. "Huh, the tuna must have pushed you over the edge. Well, if it's a fight you boys want, then you came at the right time! See, Boss Kabuto here? Every month or so, he molts his skin and becomes bigger and stronger than he was before! He's easily twice as big now as he was when he first came to our island! You're going to be literally fighting him at the peak of his strength!"
"So… a delay for a spike in quality?" Boss's grin widened with bloodthirsty eagerness. "Perfect!"
"Wow, you're actually going to evolve!?" Luffy squeed, stars sparkling in his eyes. "SO COOL!"
"So impossible, more like!" Soundbite sputtered incredulously. "LUFFY, THIS BUG'S GROWING BEFORE MY NON-EXISTENT EARS! Even by Grand Line standards, nothing breaks the rules of biology so blatantly, not like this! Cross, back me up here!"
The Voice of Anarchy in question blinked as he was taken out of his thoughts, having been focused on other matters from the moment Yoko had yelled. "Eh? Ah… I guess? Sorry, Soundbite, I've got more important things to worry about at the moment."
"LIKE WHAT!?"
Cross directed a glare at his partner before regarding the local mayor with a compassionate expression. "Which parent, how bad, and how long ago?" he asked sadly.
That got the snail choking on his tongue.
Fabre, for his part, blinked in surprise before sighing heavily, his pipe bobbing up and down as he worried at it. "You really are smart…" he muttered. "Her father, bad, and a few years but to her it might as well have been yesterday. A damn shame, really; he was a good man, both as a father and as a Marine. And she'd already lost her mother before that, so Boss—er, Boss Kabuto is the only family she's got left." The statement drew a regretful warble from the bug.
Cross hung his head and scratched at his nose's bandage, sighing. "Yeah, I figured that last bit… and my words haven't reached her at all?"
The old mayor winced and glanced away sheepishly. "Yyyyes and no. At first, when she heard you say you were a pirate, she took off running. Ours is a small village on a much bigger island, so it's been easy for her to make herself scarce whenever you start to broadcast, and she just won't listen to us when we tell her you're different. The yes… doesn't actually help. See, we insisted she at least listen to one broadcast, she conceded…"
The pirate cocked his eyebrow at the mayor. "And…?"
The mayor coughed into his fist. "You started talking about corruption in the Marines and she took off like a bat out of hell."
Cross slapped his hand to his face with a groan. "I'd say that God hates me, but that's already public knowledge."
"Mm," Fabre nodded. "Either way, I'm quite sorry to tell you this, but it's likely she'll do her level best to make your stay here with us… difficult, to say the least. I apologize for her in advance."
"Fan-frickin'-tastic," Cross groaned as he grabbed the brim of his cap and yanked it down over his eyes. "Why can't this shit ever be easy?"
The mayor cocked an eyebrow at the pirate. "If… you don't mind my asking, how did you…?"
"The coat and her own condition. If she had anyone left or if the owner were still alive, she'd have let the coat get tattered and worn out like any old family keepsake. But it's unique and irreplaceable, so she maintains it religiously and keeps it immaculate. She, meanwhile, is picking up bruises and scabs that no one looks at, and her other clothes and her hair are getting worn out and dirty because they don't matter as much as the mission. The mission, her father's mission, comes first ever and always while she lets herself slowly fall to pieces. Which—" Cross pushed himself to his feet with a huff, casually dusting off the seat of his pants. "Is where we come in."
Fabre blinked at his island's guest. "Oh? How so?"
Cross smiled impishly as he slammed his fist into his palm. "Simple," he chuckled. "We're the people who help her put the pieces back together." He then blinked and looked down at his hands. "Oh, now there's a thought…" After a moment he shook his head, eyes refocusing. "Eh, we'll see how it goes. For now…" He looked back at Luffy. "So, orders, Captain?"
Luffy grinned as he looked at his third mate's shoulder. "Soundbite, call the Sunny. We're staying here until I get my rematch! It's, ah, what's the word… SHORE LEAVE!" He threw his arms up victoriously. "Tell the crew we've got shore leave!"
"Ah, Straw Hat? Make sure they dock on this side; our village is on the other side of the island, but there are reefs that prevent all but the smallest ships from reaching us from… the…" The mayor trailed off at the looks that the Straw Hats were giving him, but he swiftly recovered once he realized what it was all about. "Ah, my apologies! I'm an old man, I forget things! If the famous Weather Witch asks, tell her I meant no disrespect, alright?"
"Done and done, old man," Soundbite confirmed. "Done and done."
-o-
"It was bad enough that the entire village became fans of a bunch of pirates," a certain young girl muttered murderously as she stomped through the island's labyrinthine caverns. "But Boss… he was the only one I could rely on to help protect the island, and now he's gone over, too… and now… and now…"
Yoko vented her frustration in a singular howl of primal fury as she kicked a nearby wall. She held her ground for a few seconds before she began hopping around in pain, clutching her shoe. "OwowowowOW, dang it!" she cried. After a minute or so, she regained her composure, and made her way to the highest point of the village. Looking down, she shook her head in disgust as the mayor and Boss led the pirates into Little East Blue.
"Those pirates… they may have fooled everyone else, they may have even fooled Boss, but they can't fool me. And I'll prove it to all of them!" she declared triumphantly. "I'll keep track of those criminals and everything they do, and when I tell the mayor what I've seen, he'll have to see sense!"
With that plan in mind, she made her way back to the main level of the village, binoculars in hand as she began looking around for the first pirate to stalk—oh, sorry, observe. "No matter what happens, I will take down these pira—" She froze briefly before shaking her head and starting again. "I will do my duty and protect this village, even if I have to do it alone."
Soon, the young girl burst out of the trees surrounding the village, though still raised up on the bluffs surrounding the town. From there, she had a good view of the Thousand Sunny as it nosed its way through the reefs that helped defended the town.
"Mark my words, Straw Hat Pirates," she muttered as she crouched down and put her binoculars up to her eyes. "I'll see you run out of the Little East Blue before the day is out! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHA—GAH!" Yoko cut herself off with a harsh slap to her cheeks. "No, no, no, I'm supposed to be the good guy here, they're the bad guys!" She shook her head firmly, clearing it of all impure thoughts before putting her binoculars up to her eyes. "Right. Lot of targets. Where to start?"
"WHOA, YOU GUYS HAVE A WINDMILL!? AWESOOOOME!"
Yoko blinked in surprise as a blur of red shot across the island's verdant fields, but she promptly swapped her dumbstruck expression for a determined grin.
"Asked and answered," she nodded to herself before jogging after the pirate captain as fast as her young stature allowed. To her chagrin, she wasn't able to keep pace with him, and fell behind quickly, but the fact that she knew exactly where he was heading meant she did little more than frown in annoyance.
She arrived at the village's symbol a minute or so after the rubber captain, who had secured himself to one of the windmill blades and was riding it around and around. Blinking several times, she tried and failed to parse how the pirate wasn't falling off when it looked like he was just sitting cross-legged on the top of the blade.
"How is he…" she began, before shaking her head. "Nonono, more important: what is he—?"
"WOOOOW!" the pirate captain called down in a clearly awed tone of voice. "You can see the whole town from here! This is so cool!"
Yoko blinked at the statement before scowling grimly. She then dug a notepad and pencil from her fath—her coat and started scribbling on it. "'Captain… surveying local geography… for more efficient pillaging…"
She shoved her pencil behind her ear as she shot a final glare up at the laughing menace. "He'll probably be up there for awhile, and that dumb blond with the stupid lying snail and that smelly blubberbutt that were with him looked like they were just a pair of muscleheads, so they probably won't be doing anything too bad just yet…" She nodded decisively. "So I should make my way to the shore and follow the rest of them as they come into the village."
Nodding, Yoko was about to do just that when a roaring crashing sound, like a martial artist unleashed on a lumber store, sounded out from the trees. She flinched at the familiar sound, and any thought of going down to the shore was tossed out the window.
"Whatever that is," she said through fire screams bangbangbang clenched teeth. "It needs to be stopped. Now."
Sprinting into the woods, she quickly picked up the trail, not that that was hard. She'd barely gotten past the tree line before being confronted with a line of stumps and sawdust that terminated in—
"Agh, stupid!" she berated herself, smacking herself a few times. "Muscleheads can be directed! Stupid stupid stupid!"
Boss Dugong, going to town on the hapless trees surrounding him. And not like a lumberjack, either. More like a saw mill, not that Yoko'd ever seen one. It was a simple pattern: Boss would chop a tree down with his bare flippers, the attack somehow tossing said tree in the air, and as it fell he attacked it even more fiercely, stripping off bark and branches and simultaneously turning the wood into perfect planks. And judging from a pile of split logs that Yoko had instinctively ducked behind, that wasn't the only type of wood he was producing.
There was only a single sane conclusion that could be drawn from the dugong's actions.
"FAIRY GODPARENTS!"
Yoko whipped her notepad out and started fiercely scribbling in it. "'Smelly Blubberbutt is… denuding island… of trees… for spare wood for their ship… and to keep us from rebuilding… after they take everything…'" Peeking up and grimacing out of disgust, she continued. "'Also super smelly… chemical warfare, maybe…'"
With that noted down, she left the area, her vendetta against that particular member of the crew keeping her more focused on defacing her sketch of the dugong rather than where she was going, up until a familiar voice broke her out of her haze.
"Look, I'm grateful for what you've done, but for the love of syrup, why the cannons?!"
Dreading what she would see, Yoko slowly turned and started jogging towards the façade of Luigia's house—not a mansion no matter how much the old woman insisted otherwi—!
Yoko skidded to a halt and stared up in awe.
Correction… it wasn't a façade anymore. It wasn't even a house anymore.
No, Luigia's… dwelling was now a true, sprawling mansion in resplendent brick and glass. From her admittedly hazy memory of the few photographs Luigia had managed to get of the original, it looked mostly accurate.
'Mostly' being the operative term. The two stone turrets sprouting from corners of the mansion and bristling with cannons, Yoko knew she would have remembered from the pictures. She squinted at the structures, but from what she could tell, they looked authentic. And it looked like they were complete, to boot!
Though, the manor itself was still in the process of being constructed, as currently said manor's apparent owner and its apparent builders were clustered around the side of the building, near a gazebo that was halfway completed. And one of the figures was responding to Luigia's protests.
"'I'm Franky, super! shipwright extraordinaire! I can build anything!' Yeah, sure! You're the best! You also can't resist putting cannons in every damn thing you build!" the long-nosed sniper, Usopp, shouted in exasperation.
"I'll keep telling you, these guys need better defenses in case the worse kind of pirates show up," said pompadour'd cyborg shipwright stated, not looking up from his work.
"If you want to build us a militia or a garrison or a fortress or whatever, fine, by all means!" Luigia griped, throwing her hands up as she stomped furiously on the pile of planks she'd gotten onto so that she could be at the pirate's height. "But save that for the cove, not the highest hill where my house is!"
"With these cannons!?" Franky boggled at the senior citizen as though she'd gone mad. "This is the best place for it!"
"But—!"
"Sorry, but that's our shipwright for you," the shipgirl helmsgirl, Merry, sighed with a fond tone and smile from where she sat next to the oldest woman on the island, her legs swinging lazily. "Stubborn to the point that not even having his coconuts crushed will change his mind. Buuut, if we really need to, I could go find Robin."
"GAH!" The shipwright crossed his legs with a panicked yelp. "Please don't!"
Luigia cocked her eyebrow at the reaction, and then she hung her head with a sigh. "Oh, never mind. If nothing else, it'll make a nice conversation starter…" Her demeanor then softened as she looked up at her newly acquired manor. "Seriously, though, I just can't thank you brats enough! I mean, to live in a manor, the manor like this… this is literally my dream coming true here!"
Usopp perked up instantly, smiling proudly as he rubbed a finger beneath his nose. "Not a problem! I was a bit iffy at first, but in the end, it was the right thing to do! After all, we need to stick together, we lia—ACK!"
"Shut. IT!" Luigia growled venomously as she clamped her hands over the sniper's mouth.
"And as for us, our reasons are easy too!" Merry raised her hand eagerly. "I just wanted to see my maker's and old mistress's home, and Franky wanted a challenge! His speed made it all a bit anticlimactic, sure, but you can't deny he gets results!"
"Mm, that he does…" Luigia nodded approvingly, before side-eyeing the structure Franky was working on. "Though it does beg the question as to why this is taking so long? What, is it gonna get up and eat people or something?"
"But of course!" Usopp proclaimed, puffing his chest out with grandiose pride. "After all, it's only natural! Gazebos are vicious, bloodthirsty creatures! They're difficult to tame, but once you manage it, they're loyal for life! Neat, huh?"
Yoko stiffened at those words, and hastily scribbled in her notebook. "Planting… vicious attack gazebo… within defenses…"
Luigia, however, merely gave the sniper a decidedly unimpressed look. "Kid, what part of my wrinkly, liver-spotted ass looks like it was born yesterday?"
Usopp flinched before smiling sheepishly. "Ah… so you knew I was lying?"
"He was lying!?" Yoko hissed to herself in shock, pondering the revelation for a second before hastily scribbling out her latest note with a blush on her cheeks.
"Heheh, yeah, that's Usopp for you: Great at telling tales and sniping… not so much at lying convincingly," Merry snickered. She then ignored Usopp's indignant spluttering in favor of shooting a curious look at Franky. "Though there is a good point raised: Why didn't you complete this thing in a flash?"
"What are you, nuts?!" Franky reeled back from his companion as though she'd blasphemed during a Sunday service. "Merry, please! This is a gazebo! You don't just rush one of these things, it's not right! No, you take your time, you work it with finesse and subtlety. There's a lot of art to making one of these, you know."
"…of course, what was I thinking." The second the cyborg got back to work, Merry spun her finger around her temple with her tongue stuck out the corner of her mouth.
Meanwhile, a ways away, Yoko's brows were practically attempting to merge as she tried to puzzle out why the pirates would be doing something as seemingly altruistic as building an old lady a mansion.
And then it hit her like a bolt from the blue, prompting Yoko to snap her fingers and adopt a disgusted look as she scribbled the realization into her notebook. "Wiling… their way… into Old Lady Luigia's will… to steal her fortune."
Nodding firmly, the young do-gooder moved on from the mansion. She didn't get very far before a scream of terror in a familiar voice assaulted her ears.
"Mendo!" Yoko hissed, sprinting for the dojo.
Yoko wasn't sure what she expected to find at the dojo, though a series of increasingly lurid slaughterhouse visions led her to assume the worst. Worse, a part of her mind—a part she was really trying her best to ignore—was loudly proclaiming that such a scene would be good, since it was a surefire way to convince the mayor.
When she arrived, however, she was rather relieved to see that Mendo was alive. Though bemusement overpowered that relief, as both he and the Straw Hats' green-haired swordsman, Zoro if she remembered correctly, were currently all but mummified in bandages, and a pint-sized bipedal reindeer was pacing before them as he stared down the dojo's students, who were all sitting seiza and regarding him intently.
"Now, let's review," the reindeer—Chopper, that's what his name was!—stated, holding up his hoof. "For a minor closed wound, what's the right treatment?"
One of the boys slowly raised his hand. "Uh… ice on the skin for twenty minutes?" he said tentatively. Chopper frowned, and he hastened to amend. "Uh, I mean, with a cloth between the skin and the ice!"
"Good. And?" Chopper asked, pointing to another apprentice, who froze.
"A-Ah… bind it tight? B-But take it off if it looks like it's doing more harm than good?" he stammered.
"Exactly." The pirate nodded in confirmation. "What else?"
"If you can, prop the injury up so the blood doesn't flow?" another student ventured.
"And what's the most important part?" This time, Chopper turned to glare at his crewmate.
"Rest the injury, don't aggravate it," Zoro said through gritted teeth.
"But what's also an important part of maintaining good health?" So said, the Zoan turned his attention on the other bandage-mummy.
"Uhh…" Mendo glanced away sheepishly as he used what little mobility his plaster-covered arms granted him to scratch at his cheek. "Don't do something stupid like challenging someone way above your weight class in a spar?"
"Or in simpler terms?"
Mendo hung his head in defeat. "Don't be an idiot and get hurt in the first place?"
"Precisely," Chopper nodded, clapping his hooves. "Anyways, that's basic first aid for minor muscle strains, and if you have trouble remembering it, just think RICE: Rest, Immobilization, Cold, Elevation. And what do you do for major muscle strains?"
"Call a doctor," the students said together.
"Preferably one who's sane," the pirate swordsman muttered under his breath.
"Sane doctors don't do well with insane patients," Chopper shot back, his eye twitching slightly as his hoof inched towards his pack. "Wanna see how we deal with the rowdier ones?"
"Shutting up!"
"Huh…" Yoko muttered as she took in one of the pirates apparently teaching the students first aid. Still, it wasn't too hard to divine the purpose to this whole charade: Mendo and the green-haired swordsman must have really gotten into a spar, which was a bit odd for the former, but oh well.
"Testing… our best… defenders…" she quickly scribbled down, though she also noted down the mnemonic that the reindeer had said. Good info was good info, no matter the source (the irony of her avoiding the SBS didn't occur to her). Once she was done, she moved on from the dojo, frowning as she considered where else the pirates could be.
"The library!" she exclaimed, several nearby villagers sending her odd looks. "They'd want be trying to get all the information they can on us!"
So saying, Yoko turned on her heel and jogged towards the building, scanning around for other pirates as she did so. She was almost to the building when something out of the corner of her eye caught her interest. She slowed to a stop, and for a moment, she considered pretending she hadn't seen what she knew she had. Ultimately, duty overruled sanity, so she gritted her teeth and turned to take in the impossible sight before her.
Despite that determination, she still blinked several times, trying desperately not to believe what she was seeing. But unfortunately, the group of library books that had sprouted human feet and were walking single file into the woods did not vanish in a puff of logic. As such, Yoko had no choice but to sigh, close her eyes and count to ten while silently reminding herself that she was in the Grand Line. She knew about Devil Fruits. She knew about strange things. This was entirely possible.
None of that made her feel any better.
'At least they're not heading towards that smellyhead,' Yoko mused to herself as she followed the waddling books into the woods.
Away from the fake-Boss's impromptu saw mill, as it turned out, was towards a relatively recent addition to the village: the Grove of Unusual Animals. The Marine-girl hastily hid behind one of the trees surrounding the area, and she tried not to frown again (it was starting to give her a headache) at the sight of three of the female pirates standing within the grove. She wasn't able to stop a grimace, though, as she took in the angelic wings on one of them, and the former royal state of the other. How could pirates corrupt even the most wonderful people?
Then again, the image before her provided a decent answer: all three of the pirates were looking over the animals and reacting like any animal lover would, cooing over the cubs, hatchlings, or whatever else they were. The angel and princess were both cuddling the cuter animals, and the giant duck alongside them was preening as he lorded his size over the other birds in the grove's pond.
The source of the walking books, on the other hand, was leaning against a nearby tree with a book in hand. Beside her was a steadily growing stack of books, and through the foliage Yoko spotted a hand sprouted out of the ground on the other side of the tree, out of sight of the other pirates and tickling a pig-pug… pug-pig? A dog-faced piglet. Whatever it was, it had a face that would send even a mother screaming the other direction.
"Ooooh, these little guys are so cute!" the blue-haired ex-princess, Nefertari Vivi, squeed as she held up a turtle-duck and nuzzled its adorable beak. "It's like when Carue was a duckling all over again, all downy and adorable! No offense, Carue."
"None taken!" the duck, Carue apparently, replied. "Ah'm nawt adowable anymoah, but that's just because Ah'm badass now!"
"When you're not acting the coward and panicking, of course," the reading woman, Nico Robin, chuckled in a teasing tone, which drew an angered squawk and a bout of flapping from the duck.
Vivi snickered, most likely at her crewmates' antics, before giving the angel—Conis—a curious look. "What about Su, Conis? Was she this cute when she was younger?"
"Hm?" Conis glanced up from where she was dangling a foxtail over a fish-tailed cat-fish that was batting at the fern from within the pond. "Oh! Yes, she was, maybe even more! Just about the most adorable little ball of cotton you'd ever seen!" The angel glanced around the glade before puffing her cheeks out. "Now if only Su were around to be properly embarrassed…"
"Oh?" Vivi glanced around, starting in surprise as she noticed what was missing. "Hey, where is Su?"
"Oh, I saw her wandering off about… a half hour ago, I think?" Conis shrugged indifferently. "It's fine, she does this all the time. She'll be back when she feels like it. I just hope she's having fun!"
Yoko frowned at the information, and she toyed with the idea of jotting it down, but dismissed the notion with a shake of her head. After all, it was just one fox. What kind of trouble could the dumb animal get into?
-o-
Out on one of the rocky outcroppings that formed the island of Little East Blue's 'mandibles', a seagull was perched on the water-worn stone. Well, a lot of seagulls were perched on the water-worn stone, but this one was unusual. Mostly, it was the fact that it was wearing a trenchcoat, fedora and a pair of too-large sunglasses. Or maybe that it had its beak buried in a newspaper. Still, despite how much it stood out from the rest of the flock, it was still anonymous to the casual eye by dint of its apparel obscuring any distinguishable features.
Then again, it was a seagull. What were 'distinguishing features' for its kind might as well not exist in many other species' eyes.
Regardless, the seagull continued to casually read its newspaper, unflinching as waves broke against the outcropping and lightly misted it with saltwater, and unmoved as a small shadow trotted up from behind him and sat at his side, sending seagulls skyward in a cacophony of caws.
For several minutes, Su pointedly kept her gaze away from the seagull, her attention on the horizon. Suddenly, she asked, "How's the 'catch of the day'?" in a casual tone, as though the two animals had been discussing the weather since her arrival.
The seagull ruffled its feathers slightly, attention still fixed on its paper. "Still 'medium-rare' at this time, but…" The bird glanced at the fox from over the paper. "If the madam allows, the chef can have it as close to 'well done' as possible with time."
If the way the cloud fox snarled and snapped her head around to full on glare at the bird, that was the exact wrong thing to say. "Tell the chef to hurry," she warned him. "Or else my tastes will turn to a more…" She lunged forward and pinned the gull's tail feathers under her paw, so fast he couldn't even flinch. "Avian variety."
The incognito News Coo swallowed heavily and hastily nodded his desperate understanding. "S-S-So noted, I'll inform the chef at once." The second Su let his feathers go, the Coo tossed the paper into the ocean and flapped off as though its tail feathers were on fire.
Su watched the bird fly off before turning away and trotting back to the island-proper, an annoyed sigh escaping her lips. "So hard to find good help these days…"
-o-
Putting thoughts of the fox out of her mind, Yoko pulled out her notebook again and scribbled down the obvious reason the pirates were here. "Scoping out… unusual animals… for poaching… and black market sale…" After a moment of consideration, she added another note. "Possible… morale boosting… effort…"
Her recon complete, Yoko spared a half-moment to give the animals a determined look, silently vowing that she'd see the adorable animals rescued from the pirate's heinous clutches, before she turned around and made a beeline for the village, intent on discovering what other nefarious schemes the pirates had in store.
-o-
"She's gone," Robin reported. "Honestly, you'd think if she were taking the time to form a vendetta against us she'd also take the time to learn our capabilities. Ah, and just to clarify, she was apparently unfazed by our innocuous behavior. Apparently, we are planning to poach and sell these adorable creatures to the highest bidder."
"Oh, what terrifying fiends we are," Vivi deadpanned.
"Well, we could hardly expect it to be that easy," Conis sighed. "It's times like this that make me miss the lack of overt discrimination that we had on Skypiea."
"Washn't that onwy because of how hawd it was foah anyone down hewe to adapt to sky wahfayah?" Carue asked.
Conis blinked at the duck in confusion. "Uh… I'm sorry, what was that last word, Carue?"
The supersonic duck grumbled something under his breath and then glanced skyward. "Tone it down a nahtch, would ya? And I said 'warfare'."
"Ah, yes. That probably did help, from what I learned in training."
"Either way, we'll leave that mess to the ones who can actually clean it up," Vivi said. "In the meantime…" she stood up and brushed her dress off before walking over to her older crewmate. "Robin, I've been meaning to ask you something for a while."
The archaeologist glanced up from her book and hummed a curious hum. "Hmm?"
"How hard was it for you to learn to read the Poneglyphs?"
Robin blinked twice, her whole body twitching slightly. Slowly, very slowly, she closed her book, eyes staring vaguely in Vivi's direction but really off into the distance. "I… will need a second."
"Ah, i-if that's a bad question—!"
"No, no, nothing like that," Robin assured, pausing to take a deep breath and pull herself together. "It's just, ah…" She gave the princess a sheepish smile. "You are… literally the first person to ask me that. I… I need to think about my answer."
Vivi nodded flashed Robin a sympathetic smile, stepping up to sit next to her. "Please, take your time."
Robin nodded absentmindedly. Her gaze remained unfocused for a bit longer as she mouthed a few calculations, and then she turned her full, somewhat unsettling attention to the princess.
"It took me roughly two years to learn, and that was with my already phenomenal IQ and… plenty of free time. The Void Language is not an easy tongue to learn. The alphabet is incomparable to any modern lexicon, and their grammar is… circuitous, to say the least, with as much emotional connotation involved in translation as clinical denotation. It's a feat, to say the absolute least."
Vivi nodded slowly, giving the Oharan a contemplative look out the corner of her eye. "Save that that was from first principles with limited reference information, in hiding, and nobody helping you, right?"
Robin nodded her head side to side, humming contemplatively. "Yes, I suppose you have a point there…" She then chuckled and glanced over at Vivi with a curious smile. "But why do you ask? Were you interested in learning the language for yourself?"
Robin's chuckling intensified at that, only to die a swift death when Vivi failed to make a sound. Eyes wide, she grabbed the princess' shoulder.
"This is the part where you tell me that that notion is entirely ridiculous, which it is," Robin said in a tone of voice that was more fearfully desperate than threatening.
Vivi's expression was pointedly neutral at first. Then it changed to solid determination as she fully faced the archaeologist.
"No, it isn't," she whispered solemnly. "You're exactly right. I want you to teach me the language of the Void Century…" Vivi's composure shook slightly, but she a steady inhalation restored it. "And I want you to teach me using the Alubarna Poneglyph."
The inscrutable Nico Robin paled in shock and horror. It wasn't a full-on sheet-white pale, but any shift in her expression was dramatic. The furrows her fingers dug in her book's leather hide spoke volumes, too.
"Vivi, that information—!" she started to protest in a weak voice.
"That information is my heritage," Vivi interrupted in a heated, almost desperate tone of voice, her expression taking on a pleading demeanor. "And I don't just mean my heritage as a person born in this world, I mean me, personally. My ancestors were in the dead center of whatever the hell happened 800 years ago, and they had that stone in our family's crypt. And what was written on it…"
Vivi paused, biting her lip, and shook her head. "My ancestors… they knew. They knew, they had to know what they'd taken custody of, what they dedicated themselves to protecting, until the end of their lives, and even after that." Her gaze returned to Robin, eyes blazing. "And I want to have that knowledge, too. I want to know what was worth the lives of my countrymen. Mine… and yours. I want to know the knowledge of what happened in that lost century, what my ancestors did. I want to know what was so horrific that the government my ancestors helped found decided to kill an entire island to erase it. I…" Vivi trailed off helplessly before bowing her head. "I-I need to know. And I'll do whatever it takes to learn. So, please…"
Nefertari Vivi, Corsair Princess of Alabasta and descendant of one of the Twenty Kings who had founded the World Government, got on her knees and bowed her head before Nico Robin, the Devil Child of Ohara who posed one of the greatest existential threats to said government, and spoke blasphemy.
"Teach me the Void Language," she pleaded. "I beg of you."
Robin did not respond for a few moments. And ultimately, it was neither she nor Vivi who broke the silence.
"Actually… I'd like to know, too."
Devil Child and Corsair Princess both snapped their heads around to stare at…
"Conis!?" they chorused in disbelief.
The Skypiean bit her lip and shuffled nervously at the attention, but she still nodded an affirmative. "I'm sorry if this is out of place, but the war that shaped all of Skypiea's culture for the past four hundred years… I thought it was over the vearth, and on my ancestors' part, it was…"
She wrung her hands and looked to the side sadly. "But I talked to the Shandians during the victory party. And the whole reason that they fought for so long was to safeguard the Poneglyph in the Fire of Shandora. I may have only recently learned of the Void Century, but it's as much a part of my life as it has been yours, even if it was for a completely different reason."
Conis stepped forward and looked Robin in the eye, her earlier nervousness gone. "So many people suffered for so long for a single stone… and I want to know why. I want to know what was so important, I want to know why it existed to begin with, I want to know it all. So I'm sorry if this is forward…" Conis bowed as low as she could. "But I have to learn why, and to learn I need your help. So… please…"
Robin didn't move, didn't even blink, just staring incredulously at her two crewmates. This lasted for several seconds… and as those seconds stretched into minutes, Vivi and Conis exchanged looks. Silently coming to an agreement, Conis stood, planning to snap Robin out of her stupor.
Then, all at once, Robin burst out laughing.
"DERESHISHISHISHISHISHISHI! DERESHISHISHISHISHISHISHI!"
And this laugh wasn't like Robin's previous, if still genuine, bouts of laughter. Those, for all their sincerity, were still mild and controlled, easily muffled by a hand and closed jaw. This bout had Robin bent over, both hands clutching her gut and another pair sprouted from the tree she was leaning against holding her up. Tears streamed from her eyes, and if it went on much longer they'd probably be running from her nose. And a six-inch dragonfly could have flown in her mouth with room to spare, let alone a common housefly.
"Dereshishishi! Not just one, but two people asking me, of their own free will, to teach them the Void Language for the genuine pursuit of knowledge!" Robin giggled with ecstatic mirth. "And I honestly consider those same two people my friends! Ahh…" She wiped a wistful tear from her eye. "Life as a Straw Hat will never fail to reach new heights."
The would-be students perked up eagerly.
"So does this mean—?" Vivi queried.
Robin nodded at the princess, a hint of steel entering her gaze. "I warn the both of you: if you undertake this task, it will be like nothing you have ever experienced. I will not merely teach you, I will hold you to the standards of Ohara. I will work your eyes until they are little more than shriveled husks and drill your minds as they have never been drilled before. I caution you!" She stared at them with the utmost seriousness. "There will be pop quizzes. Are you truly prepared to live up to the standards of the greatest academic institution in the West Blue, if not the world?"
"Absolutely," Vivi said at once, her being brimming with confidence. Conis took a moment longer to nod firmly.
"Excellent! Then in that case," Robin said, an earnest smile on her face. "Let's begin!"
Without warning, simultaneous impacts to the backs of Vivi and Conis' legs brought the women to their knees, and in the same second they found their arms locked behind their backs and their heads yanked to attention.
"What the—!?" Conis exclaimed as Robin's expression contorted into an expression of childish bliss.
"Ohhh, this is going to be so much fun!" Both women straight-up froze with existential dread as Robin actually squeed with enthusiasm, a notebook suddenly in her hand with a pencil in the other scribbling furiously in it. "I just need to jot down what we'll be starting on, and I can update my lesson plan when we get back to the Sunny!"
"H-H-How do you haf a wesson pwan if you nevah thought you'd be teaching anyone?" Carue stammered out.
"Why, I've had this lesson plan since I was a little girl, of course!" Robin replied, a perfectly sunny aura surrounding her as she continued to write. "I've always wanted students of my own, whom I could groom and teach and help mature into wonderful archaeologists! Every young scholar's dream!"
Vivi paled as the pieces all came together. "Oh, dear sweet Horus, we're her dollies," she squeaked.
Conis glanced at Carue in terror. "Help!"
The supersonic duck took one look at the humming archaeologist before affixing the newly minted students with a flat look. "Yeeeaaah… you two bwought this on yoahselves, and wheah Vivi is concewned, my job descwiption expwicitwy excwudes pwotection fwom tutahs. And on that note!" The pond exploded with displaced water as the duck shot away.
"Traitor…" Vivi sobbed tearfully.
"Lesson one!" Robin suddenly announced, smiling brightly as she flipped the notepad so that her students could see. "Basic forms of the characters. I expect you to pay close enough attention that you'll have no less than half of it done within the next five hours. Perhaps then we can take a break for dinner. Isn't that great?"
So far out in the woods, nobody could hear the girls' pleas for mercy. Well, nobody except a certain cloud fox, who immediately perked up and lost her bad mood upon hearing the sound.
"That sounds like Conis," she mused. "Maybe I should go check on her." As she considered that, her survival instincts fairly screamed at her to stay away. "On second thought, maybe I should go find someone else to bother…"
-o-
"I guess this is supposed to be flattery?" Perona deadpanned, looking at the haircuts and shirts of the four adolescents she and Nami had reluctantly followed into the island's cave system at their… enthusiastic insistence. "This is still the 'attraction' stage, right?"
"I wouldn't know," Nami replied with surprising calm. "I spent most of my adolescence away from teenage boys."
"Lucky."
Nami gave her… she would be generous and term the spirit a 'friend' a flat look. "Because all through puberty, I was a slave in all but chains to the bastard who killed my mother."
Perona had the good grace to cough heavily in her fist and avert her gaze so that she was looking anywhere but at the navigator. "…my condolences?"
The Straw Hat maintained her flat look for a few seconds more before raising her hands in a dismissive shrug. "It's fine, it's fine, you couldn't have known." Perona's guilt alleviated, she turned back to the four boys who, quite admirably, were visibly suppressing their excitement in light of what they'd just heard. "Same for you guys. Now, are we almost where you wanted to show me something?"
The members of the—Nami hid her grimace with expert ease—Orenami Fan Club all perked up at the reminder of why they were there, and picked up their pace. "Just a little farther, Lady Nami! Right around here!"
The four of them rounded another few columns before coming to a stone structure covered by a large sheet. Both women looked with a bit of apprehension as the boys, with a flourish, removed the cloth. Then they blinked.
It was an intricately carved, life-sized statue of Nami, apparently going off of the image on her wanted poster. The sunny but mischievous smile on her face, the tattoo on her shoulder, the revealing clothes, even the Clima-Tact and clouds were all carved with all the skill that the navigator would expect of an artist like Usopp.
"Oooookay, screw attraction, this is obsession…" Perona whistled. She then glanced at the subject of the teenager's 'admiration'. "Hold off on the lightning till I'm out of the line of fire. I don't know how that stuff affects my astral projection, and I don't want to know."
"Mmm…" Nami mused with a slight frown, her Eisen Tempo shifting around and her fingers playing with the other sections of her Clima-Tact.
And then, the cloud stilled and she brought her other hand up to cup her chin as she observed the statue. "To be honest… I don't really mind this. It's actually kind of flattering."
Perona straight up boggled at the pirate, her incredulous "Really!?" syncing up with the teenagers' eager remix.
"Well, sure," Nami nodded kindly, walking up and giving the statue an appreciative once-over. "It's a skillfully rendered version of me at my most badass, why wouldn't I like it? It's so good… you know what?" She clapped her hands and beamed at the nearly swooning fan club. "I think I wouldn't mind autographing this! Free of… of…" Nami trailed off, her mouth working but no sound coming out. Grimacing, she coughed into her fist and held her hand out, a blush staining her cheeks. "Five hundred berries for the autograph. For all four of you."
"Worth every bit!" one of them declared, counting out the bills and laying them in her palm.
"What, no pencil?" Perona snarked.
"Of course not!" another member of the club snorted pridefully. "Lady Nami is the world-class navigator who'll chart the world! She has a writing implement on her at all times!"
Nami smiled and blushed bashfully as she confirmed the words by drawing a pencil from her back pocket. "These boys have my number, alright." And with that, she signed her name on the statue's un-tattooed shoulder with a flourish. She then stepped back so that the fan club could admire it. "Enjoy, boys!"
And enjoy they did, crowding around the statue and admiring the signature with glee. Nami, for her part, stood back and watched with an inflating sense of pride while Perona floated off, her interest in the ongoing spectacle expended.
"We actually got an autograph from Lady Nami! The Lady Nami!"
"Do you think the island'll have good weather all the time now? I bet it will!"
"I told you guys showing her this would be awesome, I told you!"
"Good thing she didn't find the other one, huh?"
And with that one line, everyone in the cavern froze up.
After a moment, Nami said "'Other one'?", one brow climbing towards her hairline.
The teenager who'd spoken winced miserably. "Whoops…"
"Duuuuude."
"Yeaaah, about that…" Perona droned.
Seeing the expression on her face, Nami followed the pink-haired woman's gaze to where, tucked into an alcove of the cave, there was another statue. This statue had two main differences from the one on the pedestal: first, it was by all appearances a nude statue, though thankfully without much anatomical detail… and second, the face looked like one of Luffy's paintings.
She honestly wasn't sure which was worse.
"Some fans you've got here," Perona deadpanned.
"Boys?" Nami asked tightly, her Eisen Tempo starting to writhe, though it still maintained its white coloration.
The boys' survival instincts promptly showed their worth, as they immediately fell to their knees, pressed their foreheads to the stone, and began pleading for forgiveness.
"We're so sorry, Lady Nami!"/"We couldn't get it right the first time, so we succumbed to our whims!"/"We swear we didn't mean any offense!"/"Please forgive us!"
Nami glared at them for a few moments longer before turning on her heel with a huff. "Because the final draft is this good, I'll let you off this once. And I expect you to destroy that abomination ASAP."
The teenagers all sighed in relief.
"Thank you most merciful Lady Nami!"/ "You are a goddess!"/ "We're the luckiest bastards alive!" /"It's a really good thing she didn't find the rest!"
And hello freeze again.
Perona shoved her fingers in her ears with a defeated sigh. "Oh, this is going to be loud."
"DUDE!"
Before the other three teens could lambast their friend, all four were frozen by the reek of ozone suddenly ramming its way into their nostrils.
Shivering in terror, the boys returned their attention to Nami, to find that not only was she trembling and scowling with fury and not only had she deployed her Clima-Tact to its full length, but her Eisen Tempo was looming over them all like a tempest born of hell itself.
"'The rest'?" Nami repeated in a frigid tone.
"I'd say it was nice knowing you boys, but…" Perona trailed off as she slowly backed out of the zone of fire.
"'THE REST!?'"
The flickering lights from her clouds served to illuminate another alcove. And this one had at least a dozen statues in it. And while the face improved steadily with each one… every last one of them was nude, with the craftsmanship of the chest and pelvic regions particularly impeccable.
And the instant that Nami comprehended that sight, the boys' world became light, sound, and pain.
-o-
Yoko blinked rapidly, trying to get rid of the spots in her eyesight as fast as possible. It had been a long time since she had been on her father's ship, since she had dealt with an assault on her eardrums like a cannon going off beside her. Too long, judging by the fact that her ears were ringing as badly as the first time she remembered, but going by how she could almost feel the latent charge crackling in her clothes, the endurance would have been something of a cold comfort even if she still had it.
"Any comments, Perona?"
Yoko hastily silenced a curse, pressing herself further behind the stalagmite she'd been using as cover as she watched the pirates pass by. The one who'd spoken was the ginger, whose mood was still quite stormy.
The girl took a second to muffle a snicker at her pun before listening in as the ghost girl gave her reply in a faux-pleasant voice.
"…Well, off the top of my head, I wanna say that this isn't normally what they mean by the 'destruction' stage, but—!" The ghost girl trailed off into a coughing fit as the weather-woman's cloud started to darken. "Ah, I mean, no, no comment."
Yoko's eyes twitched at the exchange, and she waited for the pair to pass before doubling back to check the stretch of cavern she'd evacuated.
Within a minute, she reached the scene of the carnage. She took in the charred, still-groveling forms of the four adolescents. She took in the stretch of cavern that had almost certainly been magnetized from the lightning and the rubble that had once been finely carved stone. She glanced back in the direction of the pirates who were stalking off, obviously responsible for the devastation and clearly devoid of remorse.
And, once she'd taken it all in, she shook her head as she calmly tore the page she'd been working on out of her notebook and threw it away. As much as she hated to admit it, in this case the fact that that cloud woman, Nami, was a pirate didn't matter. What she had done was a fair reaction from any decent member of their gender, and Yoko herself was honestly happy with the results. Even ignoring the fact that the boys had been obsessing over a pirate, that level of interest in anyone was just… creepy!
Ugh. Boys.
-o-
Meanwhile, as they walked out of the cave system, Perona and Nami glanced at one another.
"So," Nami started politely. "How'd you realize she was there?"
Perona gave her parasol a polite twirl. "A decade of experience recon-ing a dank and dark hole," she answered, along with another twirl. "You?" Twirl.
The navigator spun her finger in the air. "Air currents. I can't read too much, but a little girl a few feet away is child's play."
"Impressive."
"You too."