Zay Pov
Thursday morning arrived with a gray, heavy sky that perfectly matched my mood.
I didn't sleep well. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Amethyst leaning her head against Kai's shoulder. I heard that high-pitched, fake-sweet voice calling him Kai-bear. It was like a slow-acting poison in my brain, eating away at my confidence.
I rolled out of bed at 6:00 AM, my eyes gritty and dry. The first thing I did was look at my phone sitting on the sofa where I had tossed it yesterday afternoon. The screen was black, but I knew what was waiting for me behind the glass.
I picked it up and tapped the screen.
The notifications flooded in.
💬 Kai: Zay, please. Just let me explain. It's not what you think.
💬 Kai: Are you okay? Did you get home safe?
💬 Kai: I'm sorry. Just talk to me.
📞 Missed Call: Kai (3)
My thumb hovered over the glass. A part of me—the weak, hopeful part—wanted to unlock it, type a reply, and let him fix it. But the louder, more protective part of my brain slammed the brakes. He had his chance two years ago, Zay. And look what happened.
I locked the screen, shoved the phone deep into the bottom of my backpack, and zipped it shut. Out of sight, out of mind.
I walked over to my wardrobe and pulled out my heaviest, thickest knit sweater. I wanted to be bundled up. I wanted layers. I wanted a physical barrier between myself and the rest of the university.
I was standing at the kitchen counter, aggressively stirring a packet of instant oatmeal, when the front door to my condo clicked open.
Pai walked in, looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, holding two paper bags of pastries from the bakery downstairs. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me.
"Whoa," Pai whispered, his eyes widening.
"You look like you're preparing for a nuclear winter, neighbor. It's twenty-four degrees outside. Why are you wearing a wool sweater?"
"I am cold, Pai," I muttered, not looking up from my oatmeal. "My blood is cold. My heart is cold. Everything is cold."
Pai sighed, sliding onto the barstool across from me. He set the pastry bags on the counter and reached out, gently prying the spoon out of my hand before I could stir the oatmeal into a paste.
"You didn't answer his messages, did you?" Pai asked softly.
"I didn't open them," I corrected him, crossing my arms over my chest. "I am practicing the art of complete emotional detachment. I am a machine, Pai. I do not have feelings. I only have anatomical diagrams and chemical equations."
"Zay..." Pai reached across the counter and patted my hand. "I get it. Seeing Amethyst yesterday was a shock. But are you sure you don't want to hear him out? He looked genuinely panicked when you walked away. I mean, his face went completely pale."
"He was probably just embarrassed that his little side-project ran away in front of his actual girlfriend," I huffed, taking an aggressive bite of my oatmeal. "I am not going to be the third wheel in some campus power-couple drama, Pai. I am a first-year Vet student. I am busy. I have exams. I have labs. I do not have time for Kai Alexandre Frasier."
Pai looked at me for a long moment, a sympathetic, knowing smile on his face. He didn't argue with me. He just pushed a chocolate croissant toward me.
"Eat your breakfast, machine. We have to get to the lecture hall in twenty minutes."
Walking onto campus felt different today. The trees, the brick buildings, the fountains—everything felt a little sharper, a little more intimidating.
As we walked toward the Science Building, I kept my head down, my eyes locked onto the pavement. I was terrified of seeing a tall, broad-shouldered basketball player walking toward me. I was terrified of seeing a bright pink cardigan and perfectly curled hair.
"Okay, game plan," I whispered to Pai as we reached the heavy glass doors of the lecture hall. "We walk in. We go straight to the back row. We sit down. I open my tablet, I put my noise-canceling headphones on, and I do not make eye contact with anyone sitting to my left. If he speaks to me, you intercept. Tell him I am on a silent retreat for spiritual enlightenment!"
"I am not telling him that!" Pai hissed, laughing as we pushed open the doors.
We walked up the steep stairs toward the very back row. My heart was hammering so hard against my ribs I was certain the people in the row in front of me could hear it. I gripped the straps of my backpack, my knuckles turning white.
I reached our usual desk.
Kai wasn't there.
I sat down in my seat, placing my backpack on the floor. I pulled out my tablet and opened my notes, trying to tell myself that this was exactly what I wanted. I wanted him gone. I wanted distance. I wanted peace.
So why did the empty seat next to me feel so heavy? Why did the silence feel so loud?
The professor walked up to the podium, tapping her microphone. Class was about to start. I bit my bottom lip, staring at the blank screen of my tablet. My "Titanium Wall" was holding strong. But for some reason, standing behind it felt incredibly lonely.
The professor tapped the microphone at the front of the massive lecture hall, the static noise echoing off the concrete walls.
"Good morning, everyone. Please quiet down and open your digital notebooks to Slide 12. Today, we are diving deep into the cardiovascular system of avian species."
The lecture hall plunged into a studious quiet, broken only by the soft clattering of a hundred students typing on their laptops. I opened my tablet, staring at the diagram of a bird's heart. My vision was swimming. I gripped my stylus so hard my knuckles turned white.
He's not coming, I thought, my chest tightening painfully. You ignored his texts, Zay. You didn't answer his calls. What did you expect? Did you think he was just going to sit here and take it? You pushed him away. This is exactly what you wanted.
I took a deep breath, trying to force the lump in my throat down. I leaned over my tablet and forced myself to start copying the diagram. Left atrium. Right ventricle. Pulmonary artery. The clinical terms were supposed to be my shield, but they felt useless today.
Ten minutes into the lecture, the heavy wooden doors at the back of the lecture hall suddenly groaned open.
The sound was incredibly loud in the quiet room. A few students in the back rows turned their heads to look. I didn't. I kept my eyes locked onto my tablet, my heart doing a violent, painful flip in my chest.
Heavy, hurried footsteps echoed on the linoleum stairs. They were coming up toward the back row.
I held my breath, my stylus freezing over the screen.
A shadow fell over my desk. A second later, a heavy backpack was dropped onto the floor with a muted thud. The chair to my left scraped against the floor, and someone slid into it.
The air in my tiny bubble shifted instantly. The sterile, cold smell of the air-conditioned classroom was replaced by the warm, earthy scent of rain and cedarwood.
It was Kai.
I kept my eyes fixed straight ahead, but my peripheral vision was working in overdrive. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. He wasn't wearing his usual neat hoodie today. He looked messy. His dark hair was wind-blown and tangled, as if he had run across the entire campus to get here. He wasn't wearing a jacket, just a simple gray t-shirt that stretched over his broad shoulders, despite the cold morning air. He looked exhausted—deep shadows hanging under his dark eyes.
He didn't pull out his laptop. He didn't open a notebook.
He just sat there, leaning his elbow on the desk, his head resting in his hand as he turned his face toward me.
I could feel his gaze on the side of my face. It was heavy, burning, and completely unrelenting. He wasn't looking at the professor. He wasn't looking at the slides. He was looking only at me.
I swallowed hard, my throat feeling bone-dry. I tried to focus on the diagram of the bird's heart, but the stylus in my hand was shaking. The silence between us was electric, humming with three hours of unread text messages and missed phone calls.
Kai leaned in closer. His shoulder was just a fraction of an inch from mine.
"You didn't answer me, Zay," Kai whispered.
His voice was a low, rough rumble. It was devoid of his usual lazy amusement or cocky confidence. He sounded tired. He sounded desperate.
I didn't turn my head. I didn't blink. I just kept staring at my tablet, my face frozen in a neutral mask.
"I am listening to the lecture, Mr. Frasier," I replied, my voice a flat, robotic whisper. "And you should be too. The professor is talking about avian pulmonary valves."
I heard Kai let out a quiet, frustrated breath through his nose. He shifted in his seat, leaning even closer.
"I don't care about bird valves, Zay. And I don't care about pulmonary systems," Kai whispered, his voice dropping an octave, becoming even more intense. "I care about why you ghosted me for the last twenty-four hours. I care about why you ran out of that lab yesterday without letting me explain. Look at me. Please."
The word please from Kai felt like a wrecking ball hitting my titanium wall. He never said please. He was the campus star, the untouchable athlete. Hearing him use that tone of voice made my resolve waver dangerously.
But then, the image of Amethyst looping her arm through his flashed in my mind. The memory of how natural they looked together. The crushing weight of two years ago.
I tightened my grip on my stylus. I didn't look at him.
"There is nothing to explain, Kai," I whispered, my voice cold and hollow. "You have your life, and I have mine. We are lab partners. That's it. Now, please let me take notes."
I felt Kai freeze next to me. The heavy gaze on the side of my face didn't lift, but the tension in his broad shoulders skyrocketed. I had wounded him. I could feel it radiating off him in waves.
He didn't speak again. He finally sat back in his chair, running a frustrated hand through his messy hair. He pulled out his tablet, turned it on, and stared blankly at the screen.
We sat side-by-side for the next two hours, trapped in a suffocating, painful silence. Neither of us heard a single word the professor said.
The chime of the end-of-class bell felt like a starter pistol.
I didn't even wait for the professor to finish her closing remarks. I shoved my tablet into my backpack with trembling hands, zipped it shut with a loud shhhht, and stood up. My heart was pounding in my throat, my palms slick with sweat inside the sleeves of my heavy knit sweater.
"Let's go, Pai," I whispered, my voice sounding tight and unnatural.
Pai looked at me, his eyes wide with worry. He glanced at Kai, who was still sitting frozen in his seat, his dark eyes shadowed and unreadable as he stared at the desk. Pai sighed but nodded, throwing his own bag over his shoulder.
"Okay, neighbor. Let's get out of here."
I stepped into the aisle and practically bolted down the concrete stairs. I didn't look back. I couldn't. If I looked back and saw the expression on Kai's face, I knew my resolve would crumble into dust. I pushed through the heavy double doors of the lecture hall and stepped out into the bustling, sunlit hallway.
The hallway was a river of students rushing to their next classes. I kept my head down, trying to blend into the crowd, my legs moving as fast as they could without actually running.
"Zay! Wait!"
The deep, breathless voice cut through the noise of the hallway.
My stomach plummeted. Heavy, fast footsteps were closing the distance behind me. Students were stepping out of the way, murmuring as the star basketball player cut through the crowd like a freight train.
I panicked. I walked faster, my vision blurring. I just needed to reach the exit. If I could just get outside, I could disappear into the campus.
"Zay, stop walking!" Kai called out, his voice laced with pure frustration.
I didn't stop. I rounded the corner near the lockers, my breathing coming in short, shallow gasps.
Suddenly, a large, warm hand reached out through the crowd. Strong fingers wrapped gently but firmly around my wrist, stopping me dead in my tracks.
I gasped, my heart leaping into my throat. I tried to yank my arm back, but the grip was unyielding. It wasn't painful, but it was absolute. It was an anchor.
Kai pulled me out of the main flow of traffic, stepping into a quiet alcove between a set of trophy cases and a heavy fire door. He didn't let go of my wrist. He pressed his back against the fire door, his chest heaving as if he had run a marathon, trapping me in the small space between the wall and his broad frame.
I was trapped.
I squeezed my eyes shut for a second, my chest rising and falling. When I finally opened them, I was staring directly at the center of Kai's chest. He was wearing a thin gray t-shirt, and I could see the rapid, heavy beat of his heart through the fabric.
I slowly looked up.
Kai was looking down at me. His dark hair was a mess, falling over his forehead. His eyes were bloodshot, rimmed with red, and filled with a raw, agonizing desperation I had never seen on his face before.
"Let go of me, Kai," I whispered, my voice shaking. I tried to pull my wrist back, but his grip didn't loosen. "You're making a scene. People are looking."
"Let them look," Kai breathed out, his voice a rough, broken whisper. He leaned down slightly, bringing his face closer to mine. "I don't care about them, Zay. I care about you. I care about why you are looking at me like I'm a stranger. I care about why you won't let me talk to you."
"There is nothing to talk about!" I choked out, the hot tears I had been holding back all morning finally burning the corners of my eyes. I looked away, staring at the lockers. "I saw you yesterday, Kai. I saw Amethyst waiting for you outside the lab. I saw how she held your arm. I saw how you looked together."
"She is just a senior, Zay!" Kai pleaded, his voice cracking. He let go of my wrist, but only to place both of his large hands on the wall on either side of my head, caging me in. He was leaning in so close I could feel the heat radiating off his skin. "She is the head of the student athletic association. She cornered me because I missed a meeting! That's it! She does that possessive thing with everyone on the varsity teams. It means nothing to me!"
"It means something to me!" I shouted, finally looking him in the eyes. A hot tear escaped, tracking a wet line down my cheek. "Do you have any idea how exhausting it is, Kai? To be the only one trying? To be in a one-sided relationship where you are constantly begging for attention and crumbs of affection?"
Kai froze, his breath hitching as he stared down at me.
"Two years ago, I was always the one making you lunches. I was always the one cheering for you at games, texting you, checking in on you," my voice broke as more tears spilled over. I didn't wipe them away. I let him see exactly how much he had hurt me. "And you? You just took it. You never initiated anything. It felt like I was running a marathon while you were sitting still. It drains the life out of you, loving someone who just lets you do all the heavy lifting. I am not doing that again."
Kai looked like I had physically punched him in the gut. All the fight drained out of his posture. The defensive wall he was holding up collapsed. His jaw clenched, and his eyes swam with a deep, crushing guilt.
"Zay..." Kai whispered, his voice trembling violently. He let his hands slide down the wall, letting them drop uselessly to his sides.
He bowed his head, resting his forehead against the cold metal lockers right next to my ear. "I didn't know... I didn't realize I was making you feel like that. I thought... I thought you knew how much you meant to me. I was a coward. I was scared to say it out loud because I didn't know how to handle how much I felt for you."
He slowly raised his head, looking down at me. One of his hands reached out, his thumb brushing a stray tear away from my cheek. His touch was feather-light, warm, and so incredibly gentle it made my heart ache.
"You aren't just some person I used to know, Zay," Kai whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "You are the only reason I've been able to focus on anything this semester.
Please. Don't shut me out because of how stupid I was two years ago. Let me prove it to you this time."
End of chapter 4