Chapter 378: Marvel Can't Exist Without Me, Just Like Jerusalem Can't Exist Without Hong Xiuquan
"Wait — don't, don't take his helmet off, I've genuinely had enough of this. Ethan's coming any second now, I already gave this lady's memory-space a solid kick in the ass just now. Chill, Logan." Hell's Deadpool called out to Wolverine, urging him not to remove the helmet under any circumstances.
"Also — seriously gross. Sticking your hand into someone's head without so much as a hand-wipe? And honestly, does anyone even remember the last time this bald lady took a shower out here in the Void? Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting."
Cassandra, who'd been smirking up to that point, immediately shot Hell's Deadpool a look of pure, murderous rage. If looks could kill, he'd have died about a dozen times over already.
Unfortunately for her, whatever powers she had were locked down, so glaring wasn't going to cut it — and Deadpool couldn't die anyway.
Wolverine, meanwhile, wrestled internally with whether to yank the helmet off Cassandra or not — without her powers, there was no way home.
As for the "backup" Deadpool kept promising, none of it had actually materialized yet, and Wolverine wasn't putting much stock in it.
"Wait, wait, wait, let's think this through. Why are we even holding her? Only reason to keep her captive is so we can get home. And only one person here actually NEEDS to get home — that's the other Wade. Not me."
"He already left, right? So we don't need to go back either. Which means we don't need to let her go, technically." Hell's Deadpool laid it out for Wolverine.
Right at that critical moment, a sudden gust of wind broke the silence, followed by a familiar, mocking voice — the mainstream-universe Deadpool.
"Baby blade, engage!"
The mainstream Deadpool drove his own little knife straight into Hell's Deadpool's neck.
"Move aside — I'm BACK! This is MY scene now, okay? You're not even the one who's allowed to break the fourth wall." With that, he kicked Hell's Deadpool clean off to the side.
(Already negotiated a deal with the author. Finish this job, I become a billionaire. Without me, does this plot even go anywhere?)
Wolverine and Cassandra stared at him, both utterly baffled — who exactly was he talking to?
"Gentlemen, no need to stand there stunned. Our script just needs a tiny adjustment." The mainstream Deadpool, acting every bit the director now, began orchestrating this impromptu scene.
He casually pulled Wolverine from his current position and repositioned him directly across from Cassandra, engineering a tense little standoff between the two.
Then he grabbed Cassandra himself and clamped the seemingly ordinary helmet firmly back onto her head, the whole gesture dripping with theatrical, borderline-ceremonial weight.
"See, THIS is the correct blocking. Next, I'm going to pretend I'm about to kill her, and Logan — you shout 'NO!' as loud as you can to stop me, got it? That'll make the whole scene feel a lot more real, way more compelling. Then someone's gonna sneak-attack Cassandra, she takes a hit, and that's my cue to drop the helmet." The mainstream Deadpool walked Wolverine through the whole upcoming scene.
"One, two, three — action!"
The mainstream Deadpool watched Wolverine's blank, confused expression and put a hand to his own forehead.
"Come ON, the scene's already started, what are you even doing? Fk, why would Some Disney even cast you for my movie? Fk."
"F**k, not even playing Green Lantern was this exhausting! And that movie was literally the worst thing I've ever done in my whole godd*mn career!"
"Take it from the top."
"Three, two, one — action!"
(THIS is the version that's actually in the script. I step out for two seconds and the whole plot goes sideways. Guess it's true — Marvel can't function without me, same way Jerusalem couldn't function without Hong Xiuquan!)
"Quick, Logan, kill him — if you can't do it, I will. Simple, honestly. One little twist and she's off to meet her maker." The mainstream Deadpool slipped right back into the scene.
"Let her go!"
"No! If we take the helmet off, Cassandra will absolutely kill us!"
"TAKE THE HELMET OFF!" Wolverine's mind flashed to his fallen comrade, this timeline's own Professor X.
"Can you PROMISE me you won't kill us the second this helmet's off?" Deadpool's question was clearly meant for Cassandra.
Cassandra let out a cold, unhinged laugh. "Ha ha ha ha — of course not. But how else am I supposed to settle the rage boiling inside me except by killing you all?" Her answer landed like a bucket of ice water, drowning what little hope Deadpool had left.
"F**k, all right, let's just kill her already and figure out plan B afterward." The mainstream Deadpool, seeing Cassandra's total lack of self-preservation instinct, had no desire to end up like that unfortunate Human Torch.
"Just let him go! I swear!"
"As much as I'd genuinely love to kill her right now, we can't. At least, I can't." Wolverine understood exactly what Professor X would have wanted — not to kill his sister, but to try to reach her, redeem her.
Right as the standoff reached its peak—
Two crisp gunshots suddenly cracked through the air, and two bullets slammed cleanly into Cassandra's body.
Both men whipped around, startled, tracing the sound to its source: Pyro, one of Cassandra's own men.
"I've had ENOUGH! I'm done living under that woman's suffocating control. She's a control freak through and through — every single day working for her has been pure torment." Pyro's voice cracked with long-buried rage and relief all at once, watching the life drain out of Cassandra with something close to genuine pleasure crossing his face.
The mainstream Deadpool decked him with one punch. "All right, your scene's over. Who said you were allowed to speak? What's your billing here anyway?"
"Quick, let her go! Or she's going to die!" Wolverine shouted urgently, watching Cassandra fade fast.
Powerless with the helmet on, she was now just as mortal as anyone else.
"Fine. FINE." The mainstream Deadpool sighed and pulled the helmet off.
Cassandra — moments from death — snapped instantly back to full strength, breaking into wild laughter once again, her restored power making her feel unstoppable once more.
Logan and Deadpool both stared at her, bracing for the worst.
Cassandra walked up to Logan, studying him carefully. "My brother must love you deeply."
"He loves everyone."
At that, Cassandra fell quiet for a moment, then walked forward a step. "You saved my life. I owe you one. Though — fair warning, I do love a good game."
(FINALLY, the plot's back on track. I'm getting out of this dump ASAP!)
"A long time ago, a certain magician showed up around here. I killed him. And afterward, I picked up something rather interesting off his corpse." Cassandra talked to herself as she pulled a ring out of her pocket.
The mainstream Deadpool recognized it instantly. "That's Doctor Strange's Sling Ring!"
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