"Bonjour, Madame. Comment vous sentez-vous aujourd'hui ? "
"Plus lentement, s'il vous plaît."
Joan repeated each sentence between steady breaths, matching one phrase to every few strides. At first she had struggled to remember even the simplest greetings, but after more than three weeks the words began to come naturally, leaving only the pronunciation for Elise to correct.
"Haaah….haaa, are we in a competition without me knowing? Why are you waking up earlier than usual these days?" Helen asked breathlessly, as she jogged trying to catch up with Joan.
"You'll have more energy once your body gets used to it"
"Yeah, right" Helen replied jestly, before pausing "wait, what happened to your eyes? You don't seem to have slept much"
"Something been on my mind these past few days, I haven't been sleeping well" Joan replied helplessly.
"Is it about bright disease patients?…what is her name again? Yes, Laura" Helen asked understandingly.
Joan gradually slowed down until she stopped completely. She answered with an audible sigh.
"There is not much time left for her…..at most few days"
"Try not to feel too sad, or it will exhaust you gradually" Helen held her hand trying to encourage her.
"This is the naturality of cause and effect …there is not much we can help with except doing our job"
Of course Joan knew that and she has come to accept it after her first year as an ER nurse, after losing her first patient. And even more so after losing
many after.
But that doesn't make it easier, when knowing there is a door hidden behind a certain she is the only one allowed to see, and it's much harder to acknowledge that she is not capable enough of handling what is behind that door.
"I know, don't worry. I will get over it in a few days" Joan said with a faint smile.
Feeling it's getting late, they hurried back, just to meet Lily and Jinen on the stairs leading to the third floor, they just finished their last session of climbing stairs. Everyone returned to their rooms to get their utility before heading to the bathroom.
"Good morning Mrs Falconer, How are you doing today?" Joan asked as she handed the wash basin for the middle aged woman so she can clean her mouth before heading to the next patient.
"Miss Edith. Could you open the window ?" A weak intermittent voice sounded within the nurses and patient hashed chatter.
"Sure ... .do you want me to adjust your pillow" Edith asked after opening the window beside her bed.
"No, thank you" Laura replied with a heavy breath.
Joan listened on the side while handing another patient his medicine with a cup of warm water.
She will not attend to Laura until she is finished with her priorities, as Edith is also present. Also she believes she will be more needed in a while as Laura's headache intensifies.
During these past few weeks, Joan gets to attend to Laura's pain and exhaustion to the best of her new discovered abilities.
From time to time, holding her hands or gently massaging her feet, Laura's spirit gets to reignite for a few precious hours.
Thought this effect is vividly shortening with each passing day. Now Joan has to pour more of her power just to keep Laura hanging in there.
It was never healing.
Only relief.
And even relief had its limits.
"Ah, you came"
"My dear, we are here" Laura's mother came visiting again, and thankfully unlike the beginning when she didn't want to be seen weak and helpless, Laura began to calmly accept her family and friends' visitations, since last week.
"sister, we brought you flowers" a boy and a girl about 10 and 12 walked to their sister's bed to hand a bouquet of bright yellow flowers.
Edith, who was watching over her, adjusted her bellows and assisted her to sit before leaving a space for them.
"They are lovely"
They put the flowers in an empty vase they brought last time.
Seeing her daughter's boney hands reaching for the flowers, Laura's mother did her best to hold back her tears. Her daughter's vibrant eyes are now swollen, the same as her feet which are raised by some pillows. She has lost so much weight that her chest ribs are showing as she breathed heavily, and Her skin had taken on the pale, almost translucent look of someone whose strength had long since been drained away.
Laura and family already knew that she was done for, so their visitation lately has been more harmonious than usual, except her father who just kept to himself, coming from time to time, standing on the side, silent all the time. Too quiet. No comforting words and no encouraging eyes. With a hollow presence and bent back, he is waiting patiently for his little girl to go to sleep.
Laura's family was no different from countless others. They had clung to hope during the first days of her admission, just as anyone would. But
in an age when a minor infection, a harsh winter fever, or a complicated pregnancy could claim a life, even the most stubborn hope eventually withered away.
Seeing Laura grow tired, her family quitely excused themselves, leaving her to rest. By then, the morning rush was nearly over, and lunch would be served in less than an hour.
Joan stopped by Laura's bedside, Edith was already there, and finding nothing out of ordinary, Joan returned to her notes.
Nothing unusual happened until lunch trays were distributed.
As her lunch break drew near, Joan decided to check one last time on Laura before heading out, it's not that she and Edith are biased, it's just amongst the patients under their care, Laura is the only one nearing death.
As Joan drew closer, she immediately recognised the familiar signs, Laura was in pain again, although too exhausted to voice it out, the sweat on her furrowed eyebrows betrayed her pain vividly.
She tucked her notes into her pocket, and reached out her hands, placing one of them against Laura's forehead, while gently holding her hand with the other.
Joan closed her eyes for a brief moment, guiding that familiar warmth toward Laura as she had done countless times before.
Nothing.
She tried again.
The warmth was there... but weaker than ever.
Laura's breathing eased only slightly before the pain returned.
It wasn't enough anymore.