Lloyd's calm voice slowly eased my nervous heart.
Maybe this life was different from my past life, so things could also be different.
If Lloyd really remembered our past lives, he wouldn't have become friends with me.
Yes, if he did remember… he would've canceled the marriage with Valdormer.
I took a deep breath and awkwardly brushed back my bangs, now feeling calmer.
"I'm sorry. I think I misunderstood something. I'll get going now."
I quickly left the room.
As I walked back to my room, my head was full of worries. I just wanted to lie down and rest.
***
That day, Lloyd was out on business.
It was our 5th wedding anniversary, but I wasn't really thinking about it.
Everything seemed peaceful on the outside—my kind and reliable husband, our steady life together—but deep inside, I always felt empty.
It didn't surprise me anymore that we hadn't had a child.
Even after going back in time ten times, I was never able to have a child with anyone.
Because of the spirit fire inside me, I couldn't carry a normal child.
I had hoped that maybe with Lloyd, who also had special powers, we might have a chance.
But even his energy was the complete opposite of mine, and it didn't seem possible.
While I was lost in thought, the door opened, and Lloyd came in.
"Lloyd…?"
He brought in a gust of cold air, holding something close to his chest under his cloak.
His face looked excited, almost happy. I figured he must have prepared a gift for our anniversary.
I smiled weakly and looked at him.
"What did you bring this time?"
Lloyd hesitated and then finally spoke.
"This time, it's something special. Something I know you really wanted."
"Something I wanted?"
I didn't think there was anything I lacked. Lloyd always made sure I had everything.
I looked at him curiously, and after a moment of hesitation, he pulled back the cloak.
And then I saw it.
It was a child.
A toddler, probably around two years old, sucking their thumb and looking at me with bright eyes.
I froze.
Lloyd, not noticing my shocked reaction, spoke with a trembling voice.
"You never said it, but I know you wanted a child. I know I failed to give you one… but…"
He looked into my eyes and said sincerely,
"Let's raise this child together. As our own."
He gently walked over to me, still holding the child.
The child didn't cry. Instead, they stared at me with curious, innocent eyes.
I couldn't move. My whole body felt stiff.
Then, without even realizing it, I reached out my hand.
The child reached out too, wrapping their tiny fingers around mine.
In that moment, I remembered Denian's small hands holding onto my finger just like that.
I flinched, pulling my hand away like I'd been burned, and took a step back.
"Yuliana?"
"…Ah."
I looked at Lloyd and the child, stunned by my own reaction.
The child still looked at me with pure, bright eyes.
But I… I saw Denian in that child.
Could I really love this child as my own?
Could I see this child not as Denian, but as someone else?
The thought alone made my heart ache so badly I couldn't breathe.
It felt like if I loved this child, Denian's memory would disappear.
But I was the only one who remembered Denian in this world.
I was his mother.
What if I forgot him?
No. I could never forget Denian.
Not even in death.
No matter how many lives I lived, that child would always be a part of my soul.
I had tried to tell myself I was fine. That I could live without him.
But now I understood.
Without Denian, I was not fine.
Even if I was alive, it didn't feel like living.
I couldn't look at the child anymore.
It felt cruel and selfish to project my grief onto an innocent child.
"I'm sorry, Lloyd."
Leaving behind the confused Lloyd and the child, I walked out of the room.
Even if I had a child with Lloyd, I would never have been able to forget Denian.
Seeing that child now made me realize it clearly.
Tears streamed down my face.
I hated myself for only realizing this now.
And I felt guilty toward Lloyd, who had been trying so hard to love me, even though I was just an empty shell.
I ran through the garden, not noticing when my shoes slipped off.
When I saw that Lloyd wasn't following me, I collapsed into a quiet corner of the garden and cried loudly.
"I'm sorry, Lloyd.
I'm sorry…
I guess I really can't love anyone else but that child.
And I'm sorry for only realizing it now.
For using you… but never truly accepting you."
***
When I opened my eyes, I was crying.
I was lying on the bed I once shared with him, staring at the ceiling.
I missed Denian so much.
His warmth. His small body. His everything.
Only he could fill the hole in my heart.
Only he could heal the wound in my soul.
I couldn't hide away in this mansion forever.
Sooner or later, Valdormer would find out.
I had stepped into this fire just to find Denian again.
Now I was running away, afraid of the flames?
Then what was the point of choosing this 12th life?
I remembered the child Lloyd brought to me in the last life.
Lloyd had later helped that child find a loving family.
After that, I slowly distanced myself from him.
To prepare for my 12th regression.
But Lloyd probably thought I pushed him away because of the child.
Because he had adopted a child without asking me.
He must have thought that was why I left him.
That's probably why I suspected him recently.
I thought maybe he remembered our past life…
***
In the Valdormer mansion's hallway,
Kate was sweeping quietly with a gloomy face.
It had been days since her lady, Yuliana, had left the mansion.
Strange rumors had started to spread.
They said Lady Yuliana had been physically abusing Kallion's secretary, Layla.
Of course, Kate didn't believe it.
The Yuliana she knew would never do such a thing.
As always, she overheard the gossiping maids whispering nearby.
"Lately, doesn't Lady Layla seem really gloomy and hard to talk to?"
"Oh, like you were ever close with her."
Even though they all served the same household, Layla was from a noble family, while the other maids were commoners. So they admired her, but also kept their distance.
Then one maid spoke up, hesitating.
"I… actually saw something strange in Layla's room."
"Strange? Like what?"
The curious maids leaned in, and Kate hid behind a pillar to listen.
"You know I'm in charge of cleaning Lady Layla's room, right?"
"Yes, yes."
"Well, a few days ago, I went to clean her room and heard a weird sound from the bathroom."
"Weird sound?"
"It sounded like… a moan or groan…"
The other maids immediately blushed and got excited.
"Oh my gosh! Maybe she's seeing someone! She is at that age."
The maid who started the story quickly shook her head.
"No, not like that. There was no sign anyone else had been there. I was worried something happened, so I peeked inside…"
"And?"
The maid hesitated, then lowered her voice.
"She was… hurting herself."
"What…?"
Suddenly, Kate stepped out from behind the pillar with a furious face.
She marched toward the maids and grabbed the storyteller's wrist roughly.
"Are you sure about that?"
"W-What? Let go of me!"
The maid tried to pretend she didn't say anything, but Kate wasn't buying it.
Then Kate pulled out a fancy jewel ring from her pocket—the one she got from Yuliana.
"If you tell me the truth, I'll give you this ring."