I mix lies and truth to create what appears to be the truth.
I cover the truths I want to hide with truths tainted by lies.
To conceal the real truth, I have no choice but to present an imperfect, flawed version of it.
What I told Hitokawa was actually true.
When I had it checked at the hospital, they said my condition was a form of panic disorder.
I experience sudden episodes of extreme anxiety that trigger a kind of seemingly painful reaction, even though there's nothing physically wrong with me: my heart rate skyrockets and I break out in a cold sweat.
The keyword that triggers my panic attacks is "death."
Anything that reminds me of death sets off my anxiety. I only realized this after holding my father's funeral.
Since Eto's teeth started coming in, the corpses I'd encountered began to merge with my memories of my father.
All those images of dismembered bodies I'd built up flooded over me like a tsunami, with my father's death as its catalyst, and I couldn't sleep for nights.
I saw a smashed skull, organs spilling out, rotting flesh, broken bones piercing through muscle, maggots feasting on eyes….
Those visions became me, my father, Hitokawa, Mr. Kuzen… and even dreamt of Eto as a corpse, waking myself up screaming several times.
The idea of death—its existence, its concept—terrified me.
It was like humanity's instinctive aversion to death had been amplified a thousand times.
I finally shared this burden I'd been carrying alone with Hitokawa.
I didn't want to bring him unnecessary worry, but if I didn't reveal this now, I wouldn't be able to hide the more important truth.
"I went to a famous suicide spot."
"…! Hey, you…!!"
As Hitokawa's face twisted in anger, I hurriedly raised my hand to cut him off.
"Calm down. I didn't go there to kill myself—I went to try and fix my condition."
Here I mixed in a little lie.
I changed the reason for my tour of suicide spots to something else.
"Suicidal people give up on living and choose death. So I thought, if I put myself in their shoes, maybe my fear of death would go away."
"Even so, you go to a place like that…"
"What choice did I have? I was desperate."
"Then why did you run from the police?"
"I heard talk of a murder investigation and my panic attack kicked in. At first, I tried to comply with the search, but I couldn't breathe—so I ran."
"Hmm…."
Hitokawa frowned and scratched his head.
He wanted to pry more, but hesitated since this touched on my sensitive issues.
Unless he asked in detail, he couldn't detect the lie hidden in my words. I felt relieved knowing I'd bought myself some time.
"I know it's my fault the CCG's misunderstanding, but isn't there any way to clear my name?"
"We could prove you're not a ghoul with a single drop of your blood. I'll relay your story to headquarters, but who knows if they'll believe it…"
"I hope they do. I don't want any more trouble."
"You hate trouble, yet here you are raising a kid at the cost of your youth."
Hearing that, I couldn't help but scowl.
"Hey."
"…Sorry. That was my mistake."
Seeing my expression, Hitokawa realized his error and apologized.
"Don't ever say that in front of Eto."
"I'll remember… huh?"
~~♪
Triggered by the electronic chime, Hitokawa pulled out his phone and turned away.
"Yes, this is Hajimoto Senior. What? Now?"
He straightened up, as if still at work, and spoke to the person on the other end of the line. Hajimoto? Surely not the one I know…
Beep.
Hanging up, Hitokawa turned back and said,
"Sorry, Koma. Something urgent came up—I need to head back to the CCG."
"Is it about the ghoul case?"
"That's classified."
Hitokawa was careful not to talk about anything related to the CCG.
He believed I was just an ordinary human, so he drew the line at anything that could put me in danger.
"Anyway, I'll put in a good word for you with headquarters. They might send someone over to follow up, so don't be too put out."
"…I'll keep that in mind."
Someone from the CCG coming to visit—could anything be more uncomfortable?
I'll have to step up security at home for a while, just in case a ghoul investigator comes knocking.
After seeing Hitokawa off, I returned inside.
I found Eto quietly reading a book as I'd asked.
"What did you talk about with Mr. Hitokawa?"
"A kid doesn't need to know."
"Hmph… Always treating me like a child!"
Eto pouted at me for keeping secrets, but all it proved was that she was still just a kid.
Watching her, I asked something I'd been thinking about for a while.
"Eto. Do you dislike Hitokawa?"
"Yes."
A blunt answer.
If Hitokawa were here, he'd be wounded—he's surprisingly sensitive about stuff like that.
"He's not a bad guy, but… he just smells wrong."
"…"
That smell, I could explain.
It's the lingering trace of ghoul blood and flesh that any ghoul investigator naturally carries.
Even a rookie with a metal briefcase like Hitokawa has to face ghouls. Who knows how many he's killed without my knowing?
Eto smelled the death clinging to him—the death that could be aimed at her.
A ghoul and a ghoul investigator.
By nature, they're destined to be at odds….
"But, Dad."
"Yeah?"
"Aren't you going to work today?"
As I was lost in thoughts about a ghoul and a ghoul investigator, Eto suddenly asked.
It surprised me. She always stayed home alone happily when I went to my part-time job—but on a day off she actually asked?
"I was thinking of calling in sick with a cold…"
"Pretending to be ill?"
"…I just don't feel like going today."
"But grown-ups shouldn't lie!"
Kids these days. Parents lie more often than they eat rice.
Why am I getting lectured by this kid?
"Boss called the house while you were out."
"What? That tough boss of yours?"
"He wanted me to tell you, 'You'll die if you keep ditching work.'"
"Since when has that man gotten so threatening!"
The problem was, it was strangely effective. Damn, the powerless are always the ones who suffer.
In the end, I had to get dressed for going out, slow as an elementary schooler trying to avoid school. If it weren't for Eto cheering me on, I might've fought the boss over it and taken the day off.
Reluctantly heading out, I faced one thorny issue.
"…Damn. I threw away my bike."
Not even twenty-four hours had passed since I dumped my trusty ride in the river. Without it, there's no way I'll make it on time.
Since I was already going to be late, I decided to walk at a relaxed pace.
Later, I thought, I should have looked back at my house as I left.
If I had, things wouldn't have gone so badly awry.
At the very least, if I'd spotted Eto leaning over the balcony rail watching my departing figure with that complicated expression….
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