Have you ever got home, and your heart is still not there yet? Like your body is already inside, but your chest is still on the road.
That was a hell of a ride; even at midnight, the rider drove like there was no tomorrow. I promise I won't do overtime the next time my boss asks me to.
I sat on our sofa and stayed for a bit, like sitting can fix a shaking chest. I can still feel my heartbeat because of that moto taxi ride.
As my thoughts are still on that ride home, my body automatically searches our food storage for instant noodles. I wanted to buy some ready to eat meals outside but my wallet is already crying. Let's just make do with the instant noodles.
I already skipped dinner at the office, thinking of the noodles waiting at home. Well, at least there's free coffee at the office to pacify my grumbling stomach during dinner.
So there. Midnight noodles. Free coffee dinner. Very glamorous life.
Hmm, that smells nice.
At the same time my stomach grumbles as if complaining, reminding it needs to be fed.
Okay, okay. I heard you.
The first slurp feels heaven and my mind wanders to all my debts, the bills that need to be settled.
Because of course. That's how it works. Even when something is warm, my mind goes straight to cold things.
The stack of paperwork I brought sits at my side, together with the bills I picked up at the door.
Like company. Like a reminder. Like they're sitting with me to make sure I don't forget.
Then my phone chimes, indicating a new message.
When I look at it, the first line reads "Your loan is already 90 days due and needs to be settled".
When I saw that I didn't want to read the rest of the message.
Another message entered and another, all loans, debts reminding me to pay or I will bear the consequence.
It kept coming like my phone suddenly remembered my name.
Hah! I tried to expel the stress and nervousness I feel.
I did that breath-out thing, like if I push the air hard enough, the stress will get embarrassed and leave.
Then another message arrived from my daughter Lisette.
Messages from my daughter sometimes make me nervous, but I am hoping that this is not one of them.
Because when it's her, it's never just a message. It's always something that needs me.
"Ma, Eric has a high fever and we need to take him to the emergency room. Please let me borrow some money. Send it to my e-wallet."
I remember my grandson, Eric. Just turned two. He laughs at things that aren't funny and cries at things that are. His hugs come without warning.I miss them especially on nights like this.
As I slurped my noodles too fast, my heart lurched. I think I swallowed it with the noodles, and it became a lump in my throat.
Because I can't breathe.
And I know, it sounds dramatic. But my body doesn't care if it sounds dramatic. It just does what it wants.
I tried to swallow again. I tried to breathe slowly. I tried to think of money like a problem I can solve fast.
But the lump stayed.
I stood up and grabbed a bottled water that was just within my reach. I tried to swallow hard so that the lump would go down but it only sputtered and sprayed my chin.
I coughed again. Nothing moved. I tried again. Still nothing.
My lungs started to panic, and my mind started to panic too. You know, that feeling of desperately trying to pull air but can't.
Fear, real fear. The ragged kind is creeping in. I know I said I'm tired but I don't think I am ready to depart yet. Not this way and not because of the noodles.
It hurts.
My hand went to my throat desperately trying to dislodge an invisible thing. I didn't even feel my nails scraping my skin. I wanted to put my hand in my mouth to let air through, but nothing worked.
I tried to call all the saints and the gods. For God's sake HELP ME!
Then I tried to recite the Our Father in my mind, but I realized I haven't memorized it. My knees hit the floor. I tried to inhale again. My chest pulled inward like it was collapsing on itself.
For a moment, everything went still.
In the background I can hear the phone clattering to the floor while buzzing. I wanted to answer Lisette. To maybe say goodbye but my body wouldn't obey what is in my mind.
The phone kept buzzing in the background. I was thinking maybe Lisette is sending messages again.
The screen was still bright. And behind the messages, my notes were still open. I had been writing earlier — not work, just words for no one. I never finished the last sentence."
If I can just get through this week, maybe—
That's what I wrote. Like a small wish. Like I'm still trying to bargain with tomorrow, but I never finish the last sentence.
And before I knew it my environment was dimming. Looking back, my last meal was instant noodles. I should have ordered something better.
While the room softened, my last thought was that I hope my grandson is okay.
Just: please be okay.
Then I can't feel the noodles anymore.
I can't feel the sofa.
I can't feel anything steady.