Chapter 8
Unlike Father, Unlike Son
The exchange back in the Outer Hall left Tao Hua in a daze of conflicting sympathies. Mostly guilt, and that guilt was partially rooted in the little agency he had over his own life. Which was rich coming from a character who lived amongst words.
The best part? The rest of that guilt wasn't even designated toward himself. It was designated for his counterpart, Gui Chang. Tao Hua was fully aware that he was trying to avoid the impossible by running away from what was steadily creeping in. And in doing so, he was subjecting Gui Chang to more stress than she deserved.
But even with that remorse present, it still wasn't enough to distract his mind from what captivated it most.
Indulgence.
The interior of the human experience, written in the sky. It was a thing within the realm of heartbeats and accelerating time.
All of that existed in what Tao Hua held in his hands—the books. Better put, the gifts.
They were enough to even out the plains of discomfort and drag him towards a world saturated in escapism. With each step further into the estate, Tao Hua would glance down at those very books, and a smile would twist the once anguished expression back into a bashful one—though not nearly as bright as before.
Seemed the blue was quickly receding into dusk. But even considering that truth…it certainly made things easier; in some ways more than in others.
So, to distract himself, Tao Hua allowed three words to take over his thoughts. He repeated them so often that he had completely forgotten what he was doing! Thus, he nearly ran into every pillar throughout the estate. In some cases…almost flipping over the fence that separated each.
Once Tao Hua returned to his feet, he'd check over the books and nod when he was certain they were fine.
Which meant he was fine. Why?
Until next time.
The cheeky little phrase soon became this week's fresh mantra, played on repeat. Tao Hua said it so much that he wasn't even sure if the words were correct at that point. Oh well!
In fact, the words were so reassuring that he hadn't once felt concerned with the pillars. That hyper-fixation would be both his saviour and his worst case of overthinking.
What really served as his greatest obstacle wasn't each time he had to rub his face—that was fine! It was in how often he'd scan over the earlier situation. He was already fortunate it was enough to distract him from the vulgar words said, but regrettable as it now presented this dreamer with more problems.
And from the smile to his hanging head, Tao Hua clamped his eyes shut. Aloud, he asked, "Did I really say all of that?!"
It started with him blabbing about his favourite books, to admitting his weaknesses and lamenting about a forced marriage. Who said that on the first…well, whatever that first was! Was it normal, or was it stepping over the line?
Whatever Lord No-Name thought of him, Tao Hua was terrified of finding out. If he had to guess, it was along the lines of "pitiful" or "sad."
The general consensus, of course.
But Tao Hua paused before crouching down to the ground. Perhaps there was something he was missing in his own assumptions?
To that thought, he returned to his feet and pursed his lips. "If that were the case, then why say 'until next time?'"
Tao Hua treated that statement like a child would treat a piece of candy they were given, but not told whether they could eat it or not. Surely, people didn't regularly sputter hollow promises, right? There had to be truth in those three minuscule words, so Tao Hua chose to continue believing them. He really didn't have any other choice.
That thought alone was enough to help him lift his head from his sorry state and admit the ultimate epiphany: Tao Hua wanted to meet this person again.
How odd it felt to have something "real" to look forward to. Even more, how odd the words "until next time" felt.
That was enough to send Tao Hua back down the hallway once more, enthusiastic and hopeful. The moment Tao Hua reached the door of his personal quarters, he stopped. He thought about everything, over and over, until compacting it down to one decisive question:
When exactly was "next time?"
His knee bounced a few times as his eyes wandered along each baseboard, following the flowers hidden amid the elegant patterns. Finally, the peach landed on the books in his hands, and with a few taps of his finger and the pop of his lips, Tao Hua finally came to a decision.
He would not fuck up the next meeting!
Into his room, he tossed the books onto his nightstand! They were like a flock of birds that had forgotten how to fly. But that, also, was fine! He inhaled a huge waft of air before darting out of that room once more and through the inner courtyard of the Tao Estate.
Even if his hair caught on one of the thin trees, he'd just hop on one foot, rip it off, and dash away. This man was determined!
And most importantly, that day would have been the most exercise this poor soul ever experienced in his life.
When he finally came to a stop, Tao Hua pressed a hand against a tall, double-door entrance, his sweaty fingers nearly falling off each golden piece. He glanced up at the sky, watching as the twilight dominated what was once blue, and doused the courtyard in the alluring colours of peach and darkness.
This was more than a beautiful sight, however. It was a clock, and that clock announced just how much time Tao Hua had to spare on his "super-smart-and-totally-not-useless" plan.
Lifting his hand and uncurling each finger, Tao Hua mouthed a few numbers. With a determined nod, he said, "I have an hour. Father will return from the tavern in an hour."
And using those hands, he turned and pushed open the two large doors, revealing a dark and orderly study. Tidiness was expected, as the servants in the Tao Estate were rather competent, though never personal and always professional. Due to this, Tao Hua never once allowed them into his room.
There was something unruly about those he hardly knew entering a space as delicate as one's room. Therefore, his room was strictly off-limits.
Compared to Tao Hua's room, however, this study was small, but more useful to someone as nomadic as Master Tao. At one side sat a desk, pressed against a wall of latticed windows, and in the middle was exactly what Tao Hua had his sights on.
A tall, hollow bookshelf, filled with books, scrolls, boxes, and anything else expected of a headman-post-merchant. Unlike the bookstore, this shelf wasn't dingy, but that also meant it had no magic to it. It was reasonably well kept in all that was the colours brown and beige.
Utterly boring.
That was expected of a man as colourless as the fabric that draped over his shoulder. But even colourless things had their use, and that's exactly what Tao Hua was there for.
He ran to that bookshelf, and without a moment of hesitation, he tore through it like a rabid dog to a pile of trash. But when he glanced at each title, his brows would furrow. None of these books were what he needed. He would scour that shelf until finally pulling out one that caught his attention.
The name of the book?
"Commerce Communication," he whispered, holding that book up in the air and against the backdrop of the now unorganized shelves. A smile crept along his lips. It wasn't the type of smile made for scoundrels nor a mad scientist. Rather, this one was innocent, as were most of Tao Hua's smiles.
This was the reveal of a man bracing for the potential of "Until next time."
Sure, the book wasn't one used for friends. It involved chapters titled "How to Win Over Your Client" or "Transactional Values of Relationships". But it was still better than nothing! Which is what Tao Hua had—a giant, heaping handful of nothing.
Unsure where he should start, he flipped through the pages at the rate of a piercing arrow. He scanned each prose down to the word and how it was used. Now, most are probably wondering how that helped with making friends. Sorry, but it didn't. It was useless and an utter waste of his time.
Of course, he'd soon come to regret this "utter waste of his time."
The room faded from scary to not-so-scary in a matter of seconds. What was sombre lit up with the warm colours of a few lanterns, flickering as each insect danced around them. Crickets loudly sounded to the creak of a door, casually opening.
This nearly caused Tao Hua to tear through the page he was just about to flip. It started with a thump! And increased with each heavy breath taken. Every time he tried to steady that breath, he was left with the residue of sweat trickling down his back.
What dried that sweat up, however, wasn't the wind that rushed past Tao Hua, but the voice masked so warm, it was practically cold.
He held his breath, clamping his eyes shut.
"Tao Hua?" the voice, deep and unbothered, asked. From the rustling, it was clear he was setting down a few things on the ground next to the door. "What are you doing in here?"
The voice wasn't mad, nor was it demanding. It was curious, with a side of "what the fuck". To this, Tao Hua seized what autonomy he had left with a light breath, before inhaling deeply. Quickly, he replied, "Sorry, Father! I—I'm…I'm reading."
In other words: Master Tao; Tao Ci. Headman of Siyue City and, most importantly, Tao Hua's father. If it wasn't already obvious.
"Reading?" He laughed once, moving towards Tao Hua with each clack of his shoe. "There's no fairytales—or whatever those books your grandfather fed you—in here. What are you reading? Here, let me see."
Despite his words coming off as unpalatable, and his tone partially sarcastic, it was still spiced with a hint of "proud father."
The worst flavour.
He stood next to Tao Hua and reached over his shoulder; however, Tao Hua refused to look at him and only shuddered in response. He kept his hands on the book, and they remained there until it was taken out of his hold. It was now in Master Tao's grasp, and it remained there as each crinkling page turned.
Tao Hua's hands slowly lowered until they hooked together, pressed against the skirt of his robe.
"Communication and Commerce? Now, why on earth are you reading about business?" Master Tao asked, flipping another page. "Last I checked, you had no interest in the family business. That couldn't have changed in a day. What happened?"
Sidestepping away from Master Tao, Tao Hua fumbled with his robe, enough to nearly dampen it wet.
"Um…it just hit. Today." Tao Hua looked in every direction that wasn't his father. "Yeah. Today."
"Really? What changed that?"
His breath hitched at Master Tao's question. There was no appropriate answer that was truthful. All Tao Hua knew was protection—that protection aimed towards preserving the one thing he didn't want his father to take away. So, the best he could do was stare up at the man he couldn't ever read.
See, Master Tao didn't have the typical look of "shitty father, dressed in rich clothing." He looked like someone you'd smile at on the street, or someone who wouldn't think twice when helping a neighbour.
And compared to Tao Hua? His father was more masculine in appearance with little likeness. Their relation was the semblance of what could have been and forever won't be. But that didn't mean Master Tao didn't have his own advantages. He was older, but that age was gracefully preserved in white, hidden amongst the youthful streaks of black. Many called him handsome for his age—an unforgettable face. Unfortunately.
It was only a mask. Remove it, and that friendly smile wasn't as friendly as once thought. Calculative; that was a better word.
"Miss Gui! Ah—" Tao Hua hesitated, nearly ripping apart the blue fabric now bunched in his fists. "Gui Chang."
"Yes, she was mad earlier," said Master Tao, still immersed in the book and paying no mind to his own son's discomfort. "I'm sure you fixed the situation. She wasn't nearly as mad when I returned home. What happened?"
Master Tao's suspicions were like a giant blunt object, labelled "Tao Hua's guilt," and presented itself as a threat, looming above him and held by a single thread.
Now, to handle this situation, Tao Hua could lie. It was obvious lying was him putting his best foot forward while his worst stood behind in all of his honesty. So, what would happen if he simply placed both next to each other in the middle?
"About that…she wasn't happy. Oh, you knew that, though." Tao Hua's next words nearly caused a shiver to run down his spine and paralyze him. "She mentioned stuff on kids, and all. It finally got through, and stuff."
And quietly, through the mumbles of a whisper, Tao Hua added, "I think."
"That's expected," said Master Tao, placing the book back on the shelf. He didn't even seem to notice Tao Hua's consistent muttering of unintelligible words. "Miss Gui has been stressed. I'm glad you're finally listening to her. But that doesn't answer my question, Tao Hua. Why the change?"
And just like that, the giant blunt object did exactly what it intended to do. Tao Hua's head hung, and with a smile of desperation, he said, "I…I really don't know, Father. I think it finally hit me. She was yelling, and stuff. You know how Gui Chang is. I'm sorry."
The clicking and hopping of crickets echoed in the small room, just as Tao Hua's father stared at him—studying him.
It felt like minutes becoming hours, waiting for a response.
Chapter end.
Art
Mostly just a sketch I did of Tao Hua for anatomy study!