Charlie, Vaggie, and Calli sit down in the seats Sera indicates, and Calli could just about scream when she sees she's in a damned courtroom again for what was supposed to be a simple meeting. And, to make things about a thousand times worse, it's the same damned courtroom that Lucifer was 'tried' in - she can still see the dent she made with Michael's body when she blasted him away from the portal so he wouldn't block her way.
And then Charlie groans, burying her face in her hands as she says "Oh no, not him again…"
Calli glances at the Angel - (?) - wearing a long robe and a mask with demonic-looking horns followed by the sharp, cold-looking Angel with the bob cut. After a moment, she asks "Adam?"
Charlie and Vaggie both frustratedly say "Adam…"
Well, he clearly didn't get any smarter since the one time I saw him… "Lovely."
Adam says "What up, baby? Saw that you went to my manager - low blow, Karen!"
A new voice says "Well, Adam, you clearly weren't going to listen, were you?"
Everyone turns to stare at the owner of the voice, and then Calli facepalms and asks "Fate? What are you doing here?" This can't be good, not in the slightest - either Fate's bored, or is taking an active interest in this. Either way, not good.
Charlie glances between the woman with wavy black hair and her Aunt, asking "You…know who that is?"
Calli nods, saying "Fate. One of Death's siblings. Fate, seriously, what are you doing here? You don't have any power over anyone here bar Adam over there."
"Yeah," Fate says, "I know. Wanted to see how things were going…and D's losing his ever-loving mind over the halved deadline you mentioned a few months ago, so Magic, Life, and I made ourselves scarce for a while."
Calli groans, pinching the bridge of her nose, and says "Dammit, right. I usually get all the paperwork ready for it all…" If everything works out - which, there's almost no chance of that actually happening, but a girl can dream - then it'll be a moot point. But, still, D's almost certainly been losing his mind.
"Erm," Raphael starts, "who's…what are you two talking about? Fate? Death?" He thought Death was a concept, one that Azrael embodies as the 'Angel of Death' like Michael is the 'Angel of Justice' and all…
Fate and Calli both trade glances, and Fate says "They don't remember."
Calli shrugs, saying "I mean, it has been a while since everything came to be. If I had to take a guess though…" She sweeps her gaze across the courtroom, settling on Sera's not-at-all confused look - dumbfounded, panicked, horrified, but not confused - and says "Not everyone has forgotten. Though, I doubt they knew I work with you guys."
Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael all trade shocked glances from their own spots in the stands, they…they did not know that. Who exactly did Lucifer make friends with?!
After a moment, Calli says "Alright then…Fate, for my sanity, please just stay out of the way. Please."
Fate conjures up a chair to sit in, saying "Won't even know I'm here. 'Sides, if things work out alright, D can piece his own sanity back together. I am kinda curious why it had to come to this in the first place, though, I won't deny it."
Emily frowns, asking "Why what had to come to this? Why would a being called Death have anything to do with a meeting…?"
Calli and Fate trade surprised glances, but Sera starts the meeting before anyone can respond, saying "We are gathered here today to determine of souls in Hell can be redeemed by way of this…Hazbin Hotel."
Charlie, Calli, and Vaggie trade glances now, because…that is not what this meeting is about. Not at its core, anyway. It was supposed to be about stopping the Exterminations. Pinching the bridge of her nose, Calli lets out a few swears in Parseltongue as Charlie starts into her explanation.
Three interruptions from Adam and just as many sustentations from Sera, Charlie flatly asks "How did you even get up here? How?"
Adam visibly flounders, stammering "Wha- I mean- erm- uhh…"
Charlie didn't mean it as a serious question for the court...but, if it makes Adam shut up for a minute then she'll take it.
Sera asks "Is everything okay, Adam?"
Calli raises an eyebrow in amusement - she knows exactly how Adam got into Heaven, and it wasn't anything he did. It was what Sera did - she sent a special request through Azrael to have his soul sent to Heaven.
Adam quickly says "Just give me a fucking minute, alright?" He quickly writes a few things out on a piece of golden parchment, and sends it down to Vaggie, Charlie, and Calli.
Vaggie opens her mouth to read it out loud…then shakes her head, facepalming, and hands it over to Charlie…who raises an eyebrow as she stares between the parchment and Adam's smirk, and then hands it to Calli. Vaggie eventually asks "Are you fucking serious right now, Adam?" Adam's one of the most selfish people she's ever known, she doesn't think he could steal when he lived in a Garden made specifically for him...and what man did he stick it to?
"Uh, yeah, sure got me here, didn't it?...right, Sera?" Adam glances up at Sera for confirmation, looking uneasy at the question altogether.
Sera says "He…was the first human soul in Heaven."
Calli glances between the piece of parchment, Adam, and Sera, then asks "And, you're saying this, what Adam just wrote down, is the standard you're using? Right here, this is what gets a soul into Heaven?"
Adam grins, saying "That's what she just said, bitch!"
Calli stares at Sera until the Seraphim nods her head and agrees, and Gabriel murmurs "What is she doing?"
Raphael winces, and says "I don't know…but she seems way too pleased about something."
Calli's smirk makes Sera stiffen, even as she pulls her phone out and hits her speed dial. The call picks up on the first ring, a voice ringing out saying "What's up, Songbird?"Calli rolls her eyes, saying "Azrael, where's D?"
"Losing his mind. I'm just hiding here and enjoying the fireworks, honestly. So, really, what's up? Got another update for us?"
Calli locks her gaze onto Sera as she says "Tell D I've just solved about seventy-five percent of our headaches. I'm sending a picture to your phone, you'll understand why."
Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael trade shocked glances - Azrael knows Calliope?! They haven't heard from the 'Angel of Death' in several millennia, Azrael was always a bit of a loner so they didn't think much of it. Being the literal first of them, he was always busy…seems being busy means working with Calliope doing…whatever it is she does.
"Oh…my…Strawberry Shortcake, this isn't another of your pranks, right?"
Calli grins, saying "No, Az, this is for real." There's a moment of silence, right up until Calli's phone practically explodes with hysterical laughter.
After a solid minute of howling gales of laughter, Azrael calls out "D! D, you've gotta see this! Heaven approved a different list of requirements!"
"What could those…oh. Calliope, are you there?"
Calli grins, saying "Ta-da…"
"You've just earned yourself a millennia of vacation time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a list to destroy."
Calli hums, saying "I'll start enjoying it." Lifting her gaze from the phone to the dumbfounded - horrified, in Sera's case - gazes, Calliope smirks and says "Congratulations, Heaven's new list of requirements for souls to enter has just been submitted and approved. Let's see now… Be selfless, don't steal, stick it to the man…"
Azrael's voice comes over the phone, saying "I'd ask if he's serious, but I remember this soul if it's who I think it is."
Calli raises an eyebrow, asking "Aren't you going to celebrate, Reaper?"
"Oh, I am, trust me. Text me if you need anything, Cals."
Once the call disconnects, Adam incredulously asks "The fuck was that about?" Glancing up at Sera, he asks "Who were those two on her phone?"
Calli's smirk turns slightly vicious, and she says "That is none of your concern, Adam. What is your concern is how I'm about to tear this apart." She waves the parchment around for emphasis.
Adam blinks, even as Vaggie and Charlie trade highly amused glances with one another, and asks "What? Sera just said-"
"You don't know the reason you're up here, Adam. You just pulled this out of your ass to give Charlie an answer. I know this because I know how you got up here in the first place. She," Calli points a thumb in Sera's direction, "obviously unknown to you, put in a special request to have your soul sent straight to Heaven regardless of any actions you might have taken in your first mortal life. Now," she holds up the list, "as for this load of crap…there was nothing to steal since you lived in a garden you could eat whatever from. It was literally made for humanity's start. As for sticking it to 'the man'…you're the first man, something you were oh-so-proud of back when you met with Charlie five months ago. Who, exactly, did you stick 'it' to? Heaven? Lilith? Eve?" Calli frowns suddenly, a thought striking her out of the blue - what happened to Eve after they were banished?Charlie, taking advantage of Adam's lack of immediate response, quickly asks "If we can prove a soul down in Hell can meet these requirements," she holds up the list, "then will Heaven-"
Sera quickly says "Yes, very well. The court shall hear your arguments."
Calli flatly asks "Any particular reason why you didn't want Charlie finishing that question, Sera?"
Lute hurriedly says "Unless you want to continue wasting the court's time, get on with it, Hellspawn."
Calli raises an eyebrow at Lute, then pinches the bridge of her nose and hisses a few more things. Fate chimes in, saying "Calliope wasn't born in Hell, just so you know. If you're going to try and cover something up, at least be accurate if you're going to be obvious."
Calli nudges Charlie in the side, and murmurs "Pick Anthony. He's already done these three things."
Charlie nods, and presents Angel Dust as their first piece of 'evidence' for the trial. And when Adam tries to dismiss him at first due to Calli showing everyone the start of the night at Consent, calling it a night of shameless debauchery, Vaggie crosses her arms and asks "And, what's your excuse then? If Heaven doesn't have hard days, what's your reason for getting completely shitfaced on the regular and forcing one of your friends to take care of you while she handles the rest?"
The giant orb Adam manifested quickly changes to show Adam doing exactly that, a large bottle of some kind of drink in his mouth. Adam hunches over, glaring murderously at Vaggie right alongside Lute…but Vaggie just rolls her eyes and smirks at them from where she's sitting.
And then Calli asks "By the way, Adam, how did you know Anthony used to be a porn star against his will? Because if that were common knowledge, you wouldn't have explicitly stated it."
Charlie and Vaggie both clap their hands over their mouths to stifle their laughter, even as Adam looks particularly like a kid with both hands caught inside a cookie jar. Lute stares at Calli, who stares right back with a raised eyebrow and a smirk playing at her lips, then at Adam who's clearly floundering under the gazes of Heaven's Court and Sera's disappointed frown, and facepalms hard. He just had to call the spider demon a porn star, didn't he?! Couldn't wait until he gave himself away?
Gabriel has to elbow Raphael in the ribs to keep him from letting any of his own snickers out - this is not the place to suddenly find Calliope's sarcasm and talent for picking people apart funny!
"Now, can we get on with the proceedings? Or do you have another pointless objection to raise to I can tear that down to?" Adam groans and buries his face in his arms, waving his hand for the orb to continue.
Calli smirks, snapping her fingers, and the orb switches back to Angel's night out with Husk, Cherri Bomb, Niffty, and Sir Pentious. They watch as the group drinks themselves silly, watch as Angel takes the thirteenth round from Niffty, tells Cherri he doesn't want Niffty to end up in a gutter somewhere, keeps the small cyclops from stealing a bunch of cleaning supplies, and then as he stands up to Valentino. Charlie's practically vibrating out of her seat by the time the orb goes dark, and says "He did everything on your checklist! He was selfless, he stopped Niffty from stealing, and he stuck it to that absolute-" Charlie clears her throat, and says "To his ex-bossman." Glancing up at Sera, she adds "Everything you said would prove Heaven doesn't-"
Adam clears his throat, cutting Charlie off once more as he asks "Why isn't he here, then?" Sera said to do whatever it takes to keep things from getting any worse - because only the Exorcists are supposed to know about the Extermination - but this just keeps getting harder and harder every time Calliope Peverell opens her mouth!
Emily glances at the list Adam made in confusion, asking "Yeah, why isn't he here?" He did everything on Adam's list, after all - everything he said got him into Heaven…even if it apparently didn't. But, that's apparently the list of requirements now? So…why isn't he here?
All the rest of the court start talking amongst themselves, and Charlie asks "Wait…none of you know how a soul gets into Heaven?"
Calli snorts, saying "'Course they don't Charlie. A soul doesn't go somewhere else from the plane they're in until-"
Sera sternly says "Enough. We know when a soul arrives. We know when they pass divine judgement. It's our job to keep these souls safe."
Calli's about to argue that that's exactly what they're trying to do here, keep the souls in their own realm safe, when suddenly music starts up and Emily starts singing. "But, she was right, Sera. She showed as a soul can improve - he saw the light, Sera! Checked all the boxes that you said would prove a person deserves a second chance - now, we turn our backs, no second glance?"
Sera takes Emily's hands in her own, saying "It's not as simple as you think, not everything is spelled in ink!"
Calli raises an eyebrow, because this is - and Sera knows it. She could interrupt the song now…but things tend to come out in songs like these. Maybe one of those things will be why Charlie hasn't been allowed to say Heaven's been killing mortal souls down in Hell.
Charlie growls out " It's not fair, Sera!"
Vaggie puts a hand on Charlie's shoulder, saying "Easy, Charlie, keep a cool head…"
Charlie shakes her head at once, yelling "No! Don't you care, Sera? Just because someone is dead, it doesn't mean they can't resolve to change their ways - turn the page, escape-"
Sera says "I'm sure you wish it could be so, but there's a lot that you don't know…"
Calli says "Well, I-"
Lute cuts her off, asking "What are we even talkin' about? Some crack-whore who fucked up already?"
Calli bristles, snapping "Excuse you, he was forced-"
"He blew his shot, like the cocks in his mouth - this discussion is senseless and petty!"
"What's senseless about-"
Adam and Lute fly over, Adam getting his hand shocked by an arc of green from Charlie's pendant, and they say "There's no question to be posed, he's unholy, case closed! Did you forget that Hell is forever?"
Calli facepalms, clearly fed up with Adam's utter stupidity along with the entire trial. Gabriel, much to his shock, finds himself in agreement.
"A man only lives once, we'll see you in one month! Gotta say, I can't wait to-"
Sera straightens up at once, and says "Adam…"
"Come down and exterminate you!"
There's a series of gasps from all over the room, but that may be more because Calliope just hit Adam with a beam of brilliant green energy from her palm square in the chest, knocking him straight into the dent she made with Michael's body at the far side of the courtroom and far away from Charlie.
At least it stopped the song in its tracks.
Emily floats down, asking "You mean…"
Calli asks "Adam, Lute, and a small army of angels called Exorcists come down to Hell usually once a year but this time twice, and slaughter as many human souls as they can? Yeah, why did you think we came up here? Shits and giggles?"
The muttering in the room escalates, and Calli glances up to see three frozen Archangels, all of whom apparently didn't know about this.
Emily asks "Sera, please, tell me you didn't know…"
Sera sighs, saying "I thought, since I'm older, it was my burden to shoulder - you have to listen, Emily, it was such a hard decision! I wanted to save you the anguish it takes to do what was required, I swear!"
Calli lets out a cold laugh, and says "Seems we've finally found the source of all this shit. I should've known you'd be behind all this, Sera." Spearing Sera with an icy green gaze, she adds "Don't act like you care whatsoever about what happens to those down below. You never did before."
"That's not-"
"What? That's not what, Sera? I'm sure it must've been so difficult, greenlighting the slaughter of a few hundred nameless, faceless souls you never had to even know about - after all," Calli sneers, "you had no problems when it was someone you personally knew."
Sera slams a hand on the nearby desk, snapping "They were uprising-"
"That's bullshit!" Sera rears back as Calliope shouts, but doesn't get a word in as she adds "Who, exactly, did you think was leading this supposed uprising, hm? The literal pacifist you sentenced to death or eternal madness? Lilith, the then-powerless human? Or did you have two seconds of actual thought in your head and decide it might've been me?"
Adam groans, propping himself up on one hand as Lute tries to pull him up, and says "I'sh wh't sh' said to say…"
Everyone stares at Adam in surprise, Charlie asking "What?"
Vaggie asks "Come again?"
Emily asks "What do you mean?"
Conclusively proving he's either got a concussion or is just reality's biggest moron, Adam says "The woman, she said to tell Sera the souls were uprising."
Calli sharply asks "What woman?" Getting a thought, she snaps her fingers and the orb changes to an image of Roo, complete with her black hat, red trench coat, and black-and-white checkered undershirt. "This one?"
Adam blinks at the image then says "No…I think? I don't remember?"
Charlie slowly asks "You mean you got the idea that got her to greenlight the slaughter of my people every single year from someone…and you don't even know who it is?!"
Calli marches up to Adam, pulling him up by the front of his coat, and snaps "Listen, you brain-dead shit-stain! Of all things you could possibly choose to not remember, this is not the thing to choose! Was it that woman who gave you the winning idea for your Extermination, or not?!"
Adam rears his head back, saying "I just told you, I don't remember. What more do you want from me?"
Adam promptly goes flying back into the wall - if Roo is the one that gave Adam the idea for Extermination…she needs to get down to the 9th Ring now. Pinching the bridge of her nose to try and stave off a migraine, Calli mutters "No wonder they had to mind-control Eve…speaking which, where is she? She never came down to Hell."
Adam groans, rolling over yet again, and says "Who knows? Bitch left me after Lucifer and Lilith got banished."
Calli growls out "Someone other than him, tell me where the hell Eve is up here in Heaven. She never came down to Hell, we would've noticed if she had."
And then, for good measure, she texts Azrael asking when Eve last died and which Realm she's currently in - they definitely would've noticed had Eve come down to Hell.
Calli's phone dings with a reply from Azrael, asking 'Eve? Which soul is that?'
'Adam's second wife. Probably a little messed up from being mind controlled for a while.'
There's a long minute, and Azrael's reply finally comes in saying 'Gonna need a good minute, SS. Drawing a blank for the first time ever. Looking for her file.'
'WTF? You NEVER draw a blank.'
'IK. Something's up.'
Glancing over at Fate, the woman has her face screwed up in thought. After a moment, she shrugs saying "Sorry, Calliope. I've got nothing. She must've slipped through the cracks…we did have quite a bit more to worry about at that point than one mortal."
Calli facepalms, saying "One mortal who was mind-controlled by Heaven, furious about it when we freed her, left to fend for herself after Lucifer was banished for creating Hell, and around before I took care of her." She points at Roo's image. First Lilith, now Eve…what is going on?!
Fate blinks, then says "Well, I can tell you one thing for certain about all that. Lucifer didn't create Hell. Roo did."