Tuesday, July 29
Draco's Day
*****
Draco was up before the sun. Today was finally his day, and he wanted it to be perfect.
He waited patiently for breakfast to get over. Though, he did tap his foot rather rudely. Which he could do because his parents weren't there and he was still much more polite than his uncouth friends were.
"Hurry up," Draco grumbled when Susan poured herself and Harry another cup of coffee.
"Okay, okay," Susan rolled her eyes at him, "what's the plan, Draco?"
"I'm not telling you," Draco said haughtily. "Maybe I want it to be a surprise."
Ron mentally counted: three… two… one…
"Fine, I'll tell you."
Draco could never keep a secret.
Everyone gave Draco politely interested looks, even if a few of them (Susan and Theo) looked more amused than anything. It was fine though, because Draco had put true thought into his plan for the day.
After Theo stole Draco's idea about riding muggle motorbikes, something Harry loved to do with Draco's cousin Professor Black, Draco had to scramble to find something fun and interesting and nothing that would make Harry talk any more about his terrible childhood as he had on Luna's day.
Draco didn't blame Luna, obviously, but if Draco had to hear one more story about how terrible Harry's life had been as a child then Draco was going to kill every muggle in London and wind up more famous than Sirius Black had ever been.
"We're going to…" Draco waited for a few very dramatic moments. "The zoo!"
Nobody looked nearly as impressed as Draco thought they would.
Except for Luna.
Who he loved.
"The zoo that's full of animals?" Harry asked, sounding skeptical. "Animals that hate me and always growl at me or try and trample me?"
"And gouge you with their horns," Theo added, unhelpfully, as he referenced a particularly entertaining care of magical creatures class.
Draco deflated in his chair and gave Harry a pleading look with Luna giving him the same look at his side. "Did I mention that there is a whole reptile house full of poisonous snakes?"
Theo hissed out a swear, but Harry's eyes lit up and Draco knew he'd succeeded.
"Mate, you know he's going to try and bring them home, right?" Ron whispered urgently while everyone scrambled to get dressed.
Draco scoffed. "No he won't."
"Right." Ron nodded. "Harry 'Chaos' Potter with his king cobra and wall of weapons certainly would never try and steal a bunch of reptiles from a zoo. Who am I thinking of?"
"I don't care if he does," Draco shrugged as he carefully combed his hair. "They shouldn't be caged anyway, Ron, it's inhumane."
"Draco…" Ron sighed and gave Draco an exasperated look that they usually reserved for something mad Harry did. "You remember that we live with him, right?"
Draco's hands froze midway in the air with the comb now clenched in his fingers and stabbing his skin uncomfortably.
"That… may have slipped my mind," he said, horror struck. He turned to give Ron the attention he deserved for such an insightful revelation. "He's going to bring them home, isn't he?"
Ron nodded miserably and suddenly Draco wasn't very excited at all. Even if he was leaving for Hogwarts on September first, his mother still lived in Harry's house.
"Fuck," Draco whispered.
"Bloody hell," Ron agreed.
Draco was able to push most of his fear about Harry's insanity to the side when their group arrived at the zoo.
Draco had always, ever since Hermione told him about them, wanted to go to a zoo.
And, yes, technically it was Harry's day. But Harry had never been to a zoo and the animals couldn't bother him from their cages and there were snakes so Draco was certain he would have fun.
Luna laughed when Draco's hands were trembling with excitement as he tried to read the map when they first entered the zoo.
It was loud and filled with muggles, but there were also thousands of animals there and most of them were ones that Draco had never seen before.
"We can meet monkeys!" Draco yelled- he certainly did not shriek and he resented Blaise for acting as if he did. Draco shook the map at Harry eagerly. "And penguins, Harry! We can meet penguins!"
"Ooh," Susan sighed as she grabbed her own map and scanned it quickly. "I want to ride a pony!"
Harry groaned quietly and sent a morose look around at them all that no one, aside from Neville, shared with him. "I don't even know what a fuckin penguin is."
"Well." Draco scoffed and pocketed his map for future reference. "You'll find out today, won't you?"
Draco wasn't entirely certain what most of the animals were either, truthfully. He was certain that he would adore every last one though. And then he'd very politely inform his mother that muggle zoo's were not 'breeding grounds for filth and disease' as she had once said they were.
Wizards should have a magical zoo.
"We should open a magical zoo one day," Luna said thoughtfully as they group walked along the path to the first animals.
Draco turned to look at her and felt his breath hitch at her shining blonde hair pulled back by a simple blue headband that matched her blue dress.
Luna was beautiful.
"Are you a legilimens?" Draco asked her, unconsciously smiling as she squeezed his hand and laughed.
Luna was so simple, so honest, so refreshing. Draco grew up to learn that every expression should be measured, every word should be carefully considered. And Luna didn't care about any of that.
Luna was the most genuine person he knew.
He was going to propose to her the moment the war was won.
"No," Luna answered him seriously. "Not if you don't count when Harry and I only talked mentally."
He didn't. Because he liked to forget that Luna and Harry had a connection that sometimes felt much deeper than the one that Draco had with either of them. He didn't like being jealous, but he was always jealous of their relationship.
Luna looked at Draco and smiled, causing Draco to blink as he admired her uncomplicated and sweet smile. "Why? Were you thinking we should have a magical zoo too?"
"I was," he said. He tilted his head towards hers, dropping his voice to keep the others around them from hearing him. "Now I'm thinking that you're beautiful, Luna."
Luna blushed and Draco straightened up with a smirk.
Draco wasn't as good at flirting as Blaise, and he'd never be as naturally charismatic as Harry, but Luna liked him anyway.
Luna tilted her head curiously at Draco and blinked a couple of times- never once tripping or stumbling as she did so. "Am I allowed to tell you I love you, or is that not allowed yet?"
Draco mentally corrected himself:
He wasn't as good at flirting as Blaise, and he'd never be as naturally charismatic as Harry, but Luna loved him anyway.
Draco cleared his throat and tried to take it in stride, though his eyes were surely wide. "You are allowed to say anything you want, all the time, Luna. And I- I love you," he admitted in a rush, now sporting his own blush.
"And I love you both," Ron cried as he came out of nowhere and threw his arms around Draco and Luna with a mischievous smile.
"I hate you," Draco scowled at Ron. Why did he befriend a Weasley? They had no respect for private moments.
"You love me," Ron winked while Luna giggled.
He did.
Ron was somehow, against all odds, Draco's best friend.
"Animals!" Susan shrieked, breaking them from their moment.
Draco looked where Susan was pointing and saw the tallest animals ever. "Giraffe's!" he cried. He held Luna's hand tight and ran ahead of the others to get to the animals.
Giraffe's were tall.
"They're the worlds tallest mammals," Hermione said knowingly. She reached a hand through the fence and smiled when she touched the spotted fur of the giraffe.
"Not taller than dragons," Harry said.
"Dragons aren't mammals," Theo laughed as he too reached for the giraffe. "They're reptiles."
Harry scoffed quietly and he too reached for the giraffe closest to them. Which was apparently a mistake because the giraffe twisted its head down and looked right at Harry and spit a mouthful of something green and slobbery at him.
"What the fuck?!" Harry howled as he began brushing the spit off his shirt. The rest of them laughed while nearby muggles gave Harry rude looks for his language.
"Giraffes are the worst," Harry hissed as he glared up at the offending giraffe. "I hate you."
The giraffe eyed him blandly as it took another bite of the tree it had been munching on.
"I think it likes you," Neville grinned and poked Harry in the arm. "Maybe that's a mating ritual."
"Ew," Ron said with a scrunch of his nose. "I think I'd take an inferi over a giraffe."
"That is disgusting," Susan laughed. "Neville, you're gross."
"Where would you even put it?" Blaise asked with a disgusted curl of his lip. "That thing is taller than some giants and it would be a nightmare trying to fuck one of those."
"Hagrid's dad figured it out," Luna said airily.
Everyone blinked and turned to look at Luna incredulously.
It wasn't that Draco was surprised that the groundskeeper was half giant- that was obvious. What he was surprised by was the new (incredibly disturbing) mental puzzle he was trying to solve.
"Next animal?" Harry asked hastily, undoubtedly as disturbed by the thought as the rest of them were.
"Next animal," Draco agreed quickly.
They moved along the path and everyone, even Harry, was delighted by the lemurs. Odd little monkey like characters that leapt around and clearly loved the spotlight.
"Remind you of anyone?" Neville murmured to Draco with a pointed look toward Harry.
In a stab at loyalty, Draco didn't laugh, but he did nod slightly in subtle agreement.
The zebras were so interesting that Susan insisted on having a muggle zoo worker take a photo of them all in front of the animals.
Blaise gazed at the zebras in wonder after they took pictures together. "Can we take one home with us?" he asked Harry.
Harry said yes just as Theo said no.
Theo was no fun.
"What would we do with a bloody zebra?" Theo asked Harry.
Harry shrugged. "Dunno, that's Blaise's problem, isn't it? He wants it."
"So you'd just steal him one?" Susan laughed.
"Yup."
Blaise looked smug until Harry went on.
"Plus, I bet Fred would think they're funny."
"I don't need a zebra," Blaise abruptly said with a roll of his eyes. "They smell like horses."
"I still want to ride a pony," Susan said with a red lipped pout.
Luna grabbed the map from Draco's pocket and looked it over before frowning sadly at Susan. "I don't think they have ponies, Sue."
Susan looked rather putout until Harry whispered something to her that made her smile wickedly.
Draco hated that smile. That was the smile of evil.
"Oooh!" Hermione's face lit up as she approached the next animals on their path. Draco had no idea what the odd little creatures were called until she cried, "Otters!"
"They look a bit like my ghost devil," Harry mused as he leaned against the fence and watched the otters swim around.
"They're cute," Susan said while Luna nodded in agreement.
Draco smirked as Hermione's coo made Theo begin eyeing the walls of the containment. Sure, if Blaise wanted to steal a zebra they couldn't do it, but if Hermione wanted an otter then Draco was certain that Theo would smuggle one out in his pockets.
He was what Ron called 'completely whipped'.
"The otters are so adorable," Luna sighed.
Draco looked from the (admittedly adorable) otters to Luna. "Do you want one?"
"No otters," Neville laughed. "C'mon, next is a rainforest!"
The 'rainforest' was nothing more than a side exhibit full of sloths and tortoises and a few other odd little creatures that Hermione very kindly whispered the names of to Draco.
"When we open a zoo, we should make each section a different environment!" Luna said, her eyes bright and excited. "Rainforests and tundras and rivers!"
"And a frozen landscape!" Draco said eagerly, caught up in the fantasy. "Every room of the zoo is a different world entirely!"
Harry looked from the tortoises to the two of them and shook his head while a grin flitted on his lips. "Have they always been such swots for animals or did this happen when I was flying?"
"They've always been swots," Ron confirmed. "Draco told me he wants to take Hagrid's spot one day."
"Ron!" Draco crossed his arms and glared at Ron. "I certainly don't want to be a groundskeeper, I simply think that I would be a much more competent professor than that bumbling oaf."
"You would be," Hermione said kindly. "I think you would be much less dangerous, as well."
Draco nodded in appreciation at her endorsement, but he was beaming at Harry's simple response.
"You'd be a brill professor, Dray."
Draco was still preening over Harry's comment as their group moved on to the next area. And he was all the happier when Luna thoughtfully said, "Maybe I'll teach potions then, so we can raise our family in Hogwarts."
That sounded almost perfect.
"And we'll turn a part of the forest into a zoo," Draco said.
"Perfect," Luna agreed.
"Swots," Harry muttered.
"We're taking one," Harry said immediately after he read a sign at the next exhibit. "I don't care what you say, Theo, I am taking one of these for Fred."
"They have to stay warm year round," Neville told him as he read the information stand about the animals. "Their pen is special to keep them warm."
Harry scoffed and eyed one of the animals thoughtfully. "Think I can use a warming charm to keep it warm?"
Hermione said no, but Harry already tried to cast it.
They got lunch while the zookeepers tried to determine what caused one of their perfectly health Pygmy Hippo's to abruptly fall over dead.
And Draco was never speaking to Harry again.
"I apologized once, I'm not doing it again," Harry muttered after lunch when Draco was still in a snit over the needless death of the hippo. "What if I steal you any animal you want?"
"And if I want a lion?" Draco challenged him.
Harry shrugged and Draco should have known better. "I already told Sue she could ride one, I don't care to take one home with us."
If Harry said it, then Harry would do it. That was one thing that Draco had learned in six years of being Harry's friend.
"I was joking," Draco said hastily. "No need to steal any lions. I forgive you."
"I don't," Luna said with a sad pout that made Draco's heart ache. "That poor hippo, Harry, he didn't do anything mean to you."
"I'll steal you two lions?" Harry told Luna with a frown.
Luna considered the bribe. "Can I have a meerkat instead?"
"Yup." Harry's shoulders relaxed as Luna lost her pout. "Wanna walk back with me and we'll send one to our place?"
"Okay!" Luna let go of Draco's hand to take Harry's arm and the two of them took off, leaving the others to stare blankly at their backs.
"Do they… are- are they really stealing a meerkat?" Neville asked.
"Of course they are," Theo scoffed. "They're bloody mad."
"Don't call them mad," Hermione scolded him immediately. "They're… just eccentric."
A polite term to use.
Except Harry and Luna enjoyed being considered mad. Luna told Draco that life was more fun that way.
"I don't care if they steal all the animals. I'm still riding a lion," Susan said with her nose in the air. "If you weren't a chicken, Draco dearest, you could ride with me."
Draco snorted lightly and rolled his eyes. "That line may work on Harry, but I happen to enjoy living, Susan."
"Suit yourself," Neville grinned. "Harry said he's riding with Susan."
"Are you?" Ron asked Neville.
"Godric, no," Neville said. "Maybe an alligator, if those are real animals, but not a bloody lion."
Draco befriended crazy people.
And Luna was right, life was more fun.
Once Harry and Luna rejoined them, they moved on to look at warthogs and rhinos.
Draco was especially enchanted with the rhinos. He slapped Ron in the chest and gestured to the mean looking creatures. "They're like war unicorns!"
"War unicorns?" Susan's eyes lit up and she turned to Harry with her lower lip out. "Please? Please? Please?"
"No!" Theo screeched, drawing more than one set of curious muggle eyes to them. Theo put his hand on Harry's shoulder, forcing him to pay attention to him. "Harry, my only brother, godfather of my daughter, you cannot bring a bloody war unicorn to the home that Rose will be living in. I'm not threatening you, it's your house, but if you bring one of those to your house then Hermione and I are moving out before Rose is born."
Susan threw her hands up and began muttering about how maybe she should get knocked up then she could get 'every-fucking-thing' she wanted.
"Susan's very dramatic," Draco whispered to Luna.
Luna nodded, "She gets it from Harry."
"Oh my god." Blaise and Harry both stopped dead in the entrance the next exhibit and caused the others to bump into their backs.
Harry looked over his shoulder at Draco, "What are those?"
Draco stretched his neck to look over Harry's shoulder, but Ron was the one who read the sign on the side of the doorway. "Penguins?"
"Theo, if you move out, I'll kidnap that baby," Harry whispered as he quickly moved toward to pool of penguins surrounded by fencing. "But I'm taking a fucking penguin home."
Draco really hoped he did. Because the penguins were adorable and hilarious and Draco enjoyed watching them waddle around.
"I thought they had to be cold," Blaise said. "And don't you dare try a cooling charm, Harry, I don't want to kill off any of the penguins."
"These are Humboldt penguins, they live on coastal seas and don't require the cold as other penguins do," Hermione said thoughtfully, no doubt reciting something from a book. "Harry, I think if you ask Bill and Fleur that you could take a pair of them to Shell Cottage. Also," her eyes narrowed and were as sharp as Draco had ever seen them before, "if you ever threaten to kidnap my daughter again then I will make you wish that I killed you."
Harry didn't seem cowed by her threat, he just tilted his head at her while his lips curled into an amused half-smile. "Pregnancy's changed you, Mione," he said lightly. "I like it. Can you distract everyone while I steal some penguins?"
"Of course," Hermione agreed immediately, sounding perfectly polite and even-tempered now. "Watch this… Oh!" Hermione gasped loudly and clutched her stomach. "I think the baby's coming!"
Draco and Ron went to get a muggle drink from a nearby machine while Hermione put on the performance of a lifetime, complete with a silent augamenti charm, and Harry and Blaise stole a set of penguins.
They leaned against the wall and watched as Hermione was the one to unleash chaos, for once, and rejoined the group once Harry and Blaise finished their mission and Hermione was informing the panicked muggles that it was just a 'false alarm'.
"Lions next?" Susan asked brightly.
"Sure," Harry was smiling and looked like maybe the day wasn't going to be at the bottom of the list after all. "Lions next."
"Hey Harry?"
"Yeah?"
Ron scratched his nose. "Did you ask Bill if you could bring penguins to his place or did you just drop them off?"
Harry's smile was crooked and mischievous. "I just dropped them off and set a ward so they couldn't run away. It's called a surprise Ron, everyone likes surprises."
"You don't," Neville pointed out.
"No," Harry hummed. "But I'm a bit weird, yeah?"
Yeah.
"No," Draco lied. "You're perfectly normal."
Harry winked at him, "Ta, Dray."
They got sidetracked on their way to the lions by the flamingos.
Then got sidetracked once more as Harry and Blaise worked out how to steal one because the flamingos were flapping their wings and crying every time Harry went near them.
"You can get a flamingo when you graduate," Harry said as he glowered darkly at the beautiful pink birds. "I'm not having them at our place."
Finally, they made it to the lion exhibit.
And lions were a thousand times more frightening than the Hogwarts banners had led Draco to believe.
Even Harry, who was never scared of anything properly scary, looked mildly pale as he saw the majestic beasts prowling across the lawns. "Sue… I can't believe I'm saying this, but this might be a bad idea…"
Susan grinned and tied her hair back into a tight bun. "Don't be a chicken, Harry, this is going to be fun. Are you really not riding with me?"
Harry swore under his breath, then whispered what sounded like 'abracadabra' before he slowly peeled off his jacket and handed it to Luna.
"If I die, tell Sev it was Susan's fault, yeah?"
"You won't die," Luna assured him after blinking a few times. She scrunched her nose up suddenly and captured Harry's eyes in her now rather wide ones. "Harry… the nargles think you're dying soon, but not today and not by lions?"
"Do they?" Harry said flatly. "They're wrong. Suppose there's a first time for everything. Blaise, can you cast some charms on the area?" Harry turned to Susan and whispered something that made her whole body start shimmering before doing the same thing to himself. "Wish us luck as we ride a fuckin lion."
"Oi!" Ron yelled at Harry as he was climbing the fence after Blaise cast the appropriate charms. "If you die, can I have your Firebolt?"
Ron was smiling, Harry was not.
Harry eyed him peculiarly for a moment then jerked his chin in a nod before turning back to the lions with Susan by his side.
"Bets on the lions trying to kill them?" Blaise muttered to Draco and Ron.
"I've got 20 galleons that says Harry walks out of that pen without a scratch on him," Ron said confidently.
Draco looked at the lions that were taking note of the two humans approaching them and shook his head. "No chance," he argued. "I'll see your bet. Harry's getting a scratch at best and a shiny coffin at worst."
"Shut the fuck up," Theo snapped abruptly, his eyes trained on Harry, but his reprimand aimed at Draco. "Hell of a thing to joke about, isn't it?"
Draco though of Trent, and McGonagall, and Luna's dad, and Ron's dad, and his face burned a bright red. He wasn't going to apologize, not to Theo anyway.
Instead, he kept quiet and clenched Luna's hand tightly as they watched Harry and Susan approach the lions—
Like absolute, brain dead, morons.
Luna whimpered when one of the lions reared back on its legs and roared at them.
The nearby muggles couldn't see Harry and Susan, so they merely paused to linger and watch as the lion charged at seemingly nothing.
"This is worse than the bleeding dragon," Theo said in a harsh whisper. "Why is Harry so stupid?"
Nobody got a chance to respond because Harry turned on the spot, just before the first lion attacked, and apparated himself and Susan from their position on the lawn directly to…
"They're actually doing it," Neville said, sounding awed as Harry and Susan reappeared on the lions back. Harry sat in front and grabbed handfuls of the lions mane while Susan sat behind him and held Harry's waist as if her life depended on it. "Bloody psychopaths, they are."
The rest of the group, as a single unit, nodded together in reverent agreement.
The lion took off, running and trying to roll and snapping at Harry over its shoulder, while the other lions suddenly charged at it.
"Oh, god," Hermione whispered.
Their eyes were wide and terrified as Harry let out a whoop of a laugh and let go of the mane of the lion they rode to wave his hand behind them—
Draco was suddenly torn on if he wanted Harry to live or if he wanted Harry to not kill four innocent lions.
—and cast something that must have made the ground slick because the lions chasing them slipped and stumbled, an odd thing to see such majestic creatures do.
"We done yet?" Harry yelled at Susan over the bloodythirsty roars from the pack of lions.
"Done!" Susan agreed.
Draco did no more than blinked and Susan and Harry were popping into existence in front of their group.
"Tada!" Susan cried.
"You morons," Hermione whispered hoarsely, her face pale.
"What?" Harry blinked at her. "We were fine."
"Wow, and not a scratch on you," Blaise said with a pointed smirk at Draco.
"Bloody hell," Draco mumbled when Ron looked at him and lifted a brow. He dug in his pocket and pulled his coin purse out and counted out twenty gold coins that he slapped in Ron's hand bitterly.
He should have known better.
Harry was invincible.
Luckily, after the lion debacle, Neville changed his mind about riding an alligator (which was a real animal and not something made up), and they visited the rest of the outdoor animals without any more theft or unauthorized rides.
Though, Luna did look rather wistfully at the 'humped back dingles' which were technically named camels.
Finally, they entered the reptile house that Draco initially bribed Harry into going for.
And Harry immediately froze in the center of the room filled with glass cages and snakes.
"Dray…" Harry reached blindly for Draco while he looked around the room with horror etched on every centimeter of his face. "Can you hear them?"
Draco assumed that was a rhetorical question since he certainly didn't speak Parsletongue and Harry refused to teach him.
It was definitely a rhetorical question because Harry didn't even wait for a response before grabbing Draco by the front of his shirt and hauling him to a wall of glass. Behind the glass were seven thin, long, silver-looking snakes. Draco glanced at the sign and let out a quiet moan at their species, Black Mamba's, considered one of the deadliest snakes in the world.
Harry didn't seem to care about the information posted about them, he was content to start hissing back and forth with one of them.
Harry tapped the glass and hissed.
The snake lifted its head and hissed back.
Harry narrowed his eyes and hissed.
The snake flicked its tongue and hissed.
Draco died from envy.
"God damn," Harry swore quietly. He looked around, keeping his head ducked and his eyes hooded, but saw that the rest of their friends were distracted with the other non-snake (and less interesting) reptiles. Harry tilted his head so he could whisper in Draco's ear. "They're miserable here, Dray."
"Are they?" Draco's eyes were soft as he looked at the poor creatures. "Of course they are, they're trapped in this tiny little cage."
Harry nodded and clenched his hand in a fist a few times. "Wanna break them out?"
Draco raised a brow, "How?"
Harry grinned and Draco felt suddenly uneasy. "Like this," he said. Draco watched as Harry hissed something at the snakes before tapping the glass with his knuckles, "Disappear."
Draco scampered out of the way when suddenly seven snakes ranging from 2-3 meters long slithered out of their encampment and passed right through the place where the glass had once been.
Harry hissed at one of them and grinned when it hissed back. "Don't freak out, they're not going to bite anyone," he murmured to Draco.
"Why would I freak out then?"
"Because they are doing that," Harry said, pointing to where the snakes were now slithering directly toward the crowds of muggles.
It was almost instant chaos.
And, for once, Draco adored it.
The little snakes seemed so happy to run (slither?) around the reptile houses, dodging feet and hissing at muggles. Luna was happy to see the snakes were now free. And Harry looked excited to watch the screams and panic from the muggle guests and the zookeepers who were unsuccessfully trying to capture the snakes.
None of the rest of their friends were very happy, but Draco supposed you couldn't please everyone.
During dinner that night, a reservation at a restaurant that Harry called 'posh as hell', Draco didn't much care to please everyone since Harry gave him a bright smile and said that the zoo wasn't 'as bad as he thought it would be'.
High praise from Harry, truly.
*****
Wednesday, July 30
Ron's Day
*****
Ron loved his friends.
Truly, Ron would do anything for his friends.
He would follow them into battle. He would kill for them. He would die for them.
Ron loved every single one of them, even Neville who he wasn't very happy with ever since the tattoo trip. But Ron's friends were morons and it was a lucky thing that Ron came because he couldn't believe how stupid they all were.
It was Harry's stag party.
And, admittedly, Ron didn't really know how those were meant to be spent. BUT he did know how George was throwing Fred's and Fred was completely gay, while Harry was bi-sexual, and if Fred was going to have strippers then god damn it so was Harry.
PLUS it was Neville's birthday.
Neville's seventeenth birthday- marking him as a man. A man who had never had sex before, or even gotten past second base.
So Neville deserved to see naked ladies tonight as well.
And nobody even thought of it until it got to Ron's day. Because Ron was a genius and his friends were dumb.
"What's the plan?" Neville asked Ron after they all ordered in and ate a huge lunch. Susan ordered a chocolate cake from a bakery too so they sang happy birthday to Neville and all gave him their gifts. Ron was happy when Neville looked so excited at the Devil's Snare seeds he'd gotten Charlie to help him buy and Harry agreed to let Neville grow it at his place.
Ron stretched his arms over his head and then grinned mischievously at his friends. "It's a surprise," he told them. "And I don't care what you wear, I'm not picky like some bloody people." He gave Draco a fond look. "Just look good and be ready to go by like five."
"Five?" Theo glanced at his watch and frowned. "Why so late?"
"So we can watch movies!" Luna cried, looking delighted by the idea.
"And take a nap," Harry yawned.
"Definitely a nap," Hermione agreed.
Ron and Neville caught each other's eyes and had to fight not to laugh. Hermione was pregnant, what was Harry's excuse to be so tired?
Despite Ron's laughter about it, they did have a good time as they snacked on popcorn and watched muggle movies.
Hermione did fall asleep. She slumped over in the recliner and was asleep before the first movie even got good.
Harry was asleep only a few minutes after her.
They made it through two muggle movies— and the movies were good, Ron thought they were wicked, but… but he also thought his dad would have loved them and there was a reason he didn't use his night on the cinema.
Susan bravely woke Harry up, who grumbled and grouched about getting up, but still did it to go get dressed. Theo woke up Hermione, who flat out refused to get up. She said she was already dressed and she would sleep while 'Draco and Susan spent an hour doing their hair'.
Which was pretty damn funny because it did take the two of them nearly an hour to get ready to go.
When they were done though, Ron looked around at his group of friends and wondered, not for the first time, how the hell he wound up there.
All his friends were attractive and interesting.
And then there was Ron.
He wasn't stupid enough to question it though, he'd nearly lost his friends once, he would never risk it again.
"Everyone ready?" Ron looked around and then sighed a little as Hermione's snores reached him from where she was still laying. "Er… anyone wanna wake her up?"
"Actually… Harry?" Theo lowered his voice and gave Harry a grimace. "Hermione's exhausted, will you be upset if we don't go out with you all tonight?"
Ron glanced over to where Hermione was loudly snoring on the recliner and thought that she really did look exhausted. He never really spent any time around pregnant women, since he'd been a baby when his mum had been pregnant with Ginny, but he could imagine that it was miserable carrying a little fat baby around on your stomach all day.
Did Hermione look great pregnant? Yeah, obviously, any bloke with eyes could see that. Hermione's looks went from around a solid 8/10 to a definite 12/10 ever since she started filling out with Theo's baby. But did she also currently look tired enough to sleep for a week? Yup.
Harry also looked over at Hermione and his eyes went all soft and gooey like they did when he was looking at his owl or his gun or his Luna. "Yeah, of course," he said easily, keeping his voice low too so he didn't wake her. "We're going home in the morning, d'you guys just wanna head back now?"
Theo glanced over his shoulder at Hermione and tapped his thumb to his leg while he considered it. "Are you going to be upset?" he finally asked Harry.
Harry rolled his eyes and clasped Theo's shoulder. "Theo, we've been here for a fuckin week. She's growing a whole god damned baby. Take her home and let her get some sleep, yeah?"
"Yeah." Theo looked relieved and smiled at Harry. "Thanks, Harry. You lot have fun tonight. Be careful and just get ahold of me if you need anything."
Ron was polite as he waved off Theo and Hermione and the rest of them headed to go get dinner before his grand plan, but he was a bit relieved on the inside that they weren't coming. He didn't much fancy listening to Hermione harp on and on about strip clubs or underage drinking or any of her tirades tonight.
Tonight was going to be the most fun that Harry and Neville ever had.
"You're joking." Susan burst into laughter when they apparated to an alley and walked around to see the club Ron brought them to. "Ronald Weasley, tell me this isn't what I think it is?"
"Er… it isn't?" Ron said, unsure if Susan would know what it was.
Blaise certainly did. His smile was so wide and so bright that you couldn't even see his scars.
Harry did not.
"What is it?" Harry asked. He read the flashing sign on the building, "'Platinum Lace'? Weird name for a bar, isn't it?"
"Mmm, not really, no," Blaise smirked. "Come on, let's see what Ron planned for tonight."
Draco shot a look at Ron, but Ron only shrugged and grinned at Harry and Neville's obliviousness.
"Wait!" Ron grabbed his bag and got their group's 'holiday funds' out. Everyone, except Luna, put in an equal amount of money. Which made Ron feel about as tall as Hagrid that he'd contributed just as much as Blaise and Draco, both of whom were merely rich because their families were.
Ron's money came from his own work.
A lot of gambling, sure, but gambling was still hard work and carried risks as great as the rewards. And Ron wasn't very scared of risks.
Ron divvied up the rest of the muggle money that they'd all converted galleons into before their holiday began. "Everyone got those plastic card things?"
"The ID's?" Blaise asked. "I hope so, Professor Black said he wouldn't make us new ones if we lost these."
"He would," Harry said. He pulled his 'ID' out and flashed it at Ron. "Let's go drink."
Harry hissed sharply and spun around to glare at Ron as soon as they made it past the muggle security guard (who scrutinized Luna and her ID closely before accepting the subtle slip of money Draco offered him) and got ten steps into the club.
"This is a fuckin joke," Harry said, his face as red as Susan's hair, maybe darker.
"If so, it's hilarious," Susan breathed. She grabbed Luna's hand and immediately pulled her off to the bar. "Cheers, Ron!"
Ron was grinning, looking around the club in appreciation. It was dark, there were colorful lights flashing and loud music playing, and everywhere he looked:
Gorgeous women in tiny skirts, in panties, in high heels, and topless.
Women walking across the pub, delivering drinks.
Women upside down on poles, writhing and dancing and entrancing the crowd.
Just… just women everywhere.
Ron was pretty sure this was actually heaven.
"Ron…" Harry growled. He kept his back to the pub and his fingers were twitching at his sides. "Why are we here with a bunch of naked women?"
"Strippers are a traditional part of stag parties," Blaise said pompously. He threw his arm over Neville's shoulders and maneuvered around Harry. "Excuse me, I think I'll go get Neville here a birthday dance."
"A what?" Neville yelped.
Draco was a good mate to have.
He didn't leave Ron alone with a Harry that was more upset than Ron had thought he'd be.
"I just figured if Fred had strippers, then you should too," Ron said hesitantly. He thought it sounded fun, but he didn't actually think about how uncomfortable Harry was with naked bodies.
Harry's hands froze and he shot Ron a look that promised death. "He has what?" he hissed with a flash of anger in his eyes.
Ron shot a panicked look at Draco, but Draco merely shook his head with wide eyes.
"Er…" Ron ran a hand through his hair and hoped there were enough muggles around that Harry would think twice before killing him. "George said that he and Lee were getting Fred strippers?"
Harry actually hissed— he was spending too much time talking with Stevie —then he whipped his mirror out of his pocket and turned on his heel and stormed through the club and out the backdoor to the smoking veranda.
"How the hell did he know that was there?" Ron mumbled.
Draco shrugged and then looked at his nails. "Harry finds exits the moment he steps in any room," he said in a casual tone. "And now he's probably out back breaking up with your brother."
"Bloody hell," Ron groaned. "Fred's going to kill me."
"Your fuck up, you fix it," Draco laughed, pushing Ron toward where Harry just disappeared. "Good luck not dying, mate."
Ron swallowed and felt his Adam's apple bob as he did. Then he squared his shoulders and marched outside, working very hard to focus on fixing the problem he created and not getting distracted by the beautiful women all over the place. Ron stepped out back and immediately coughed from a cloud of smoke and found Harry holding his mirror in one hand, a lit cigarette in the other, and an irritated look on his face.
"Fred not answering?" Ron asked him, very casually, super relaxed, not at all worried.
Harry shrugged and took a long drag off his cigarette. "I haven't called him yet, have I?"
Ron leaned against the wall next to Harry since it didn't seem like Harry was going to curse him. "Why not?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm calming down so I don't snap at him."
"Aah." Ron nodded. "Why?"
Harry shrugged and finished off his cigarette before tossing it to the floor and stamping it out. "Did Fred ask for strippers?"
"Probably not," Ron admitted. "Pretty sure he's gay and obsessed with you."
A bunch of polyjuiced Harry's giving Fred lap dances? Maybe.
Naked women? Definitely not.
"So then I've got no reason to start a fuckin fight with Fred, do I?"
Ron considered it and then nodded at Harry's logic. "Not really, no."
"Exactly." Harry turned a little so his back blocked the mirror, in case anyone stepped outside for a smoke, then he called Fred's name into it.
It took a moment, but Fred did finally answer. Ron couldn't see him, but he could hear him.
"Hey, love!" Fred cried, sounding a bit drunk. "Can you believe in less than forty-eight hours we'll be married?!"
Harry's lips curled upward, but his eyes were still narrow and cold. "Mad, isn't it?" he murmured, his voice mildly warmer than his eyes.
Very privately, Ron thought that Fred was a special type of barking mad to be marrying Harry. Ron would never forget how easily he was certain Harry was going to kill him back in their fifth year.
"What are you doing?" Harry asked Fred.
A trap, obviously.
"Drinking, playing cards with my brothers and some friends, the usual stag night nonsense."
Oh no.
He can't lie about it. That wasn't on.
"Yeah? You're not hanging out with a bunch of naked ladies?"
Ron didn't have to see Fred to picture the look he surely had on his face to match his tone of surprise.
"Uh… no? Are you?"
Harry's face snapped over to Ron, and Ron held his hands up in a sign of innocence. "That's what George said," Ron told Harry truthfully.
Fred must have heard him. "What? George! Oi! Dumbass! Did you tell Ron that we were getting strippers?"
George's laugh carried through the mirror. "Yeah, did he tell Harry?"
"Yeah."
"Wicked, is Harry pissed?"
"No," Harry said, his voice perfectly calm and pleasant now. "I should have known it was a prank, sorry, Fred, I'll see you when we get back tomorrow, right?"
"Wait! Darlin, are you at a strip club?"
"Yup." Harry turned the mirror to show Ron for a brief moment before bringing it back to his own face. "Ron said you got strippers so Neville and I should have some."
"Did he?" Fred hummed pleasantly in a way that had Ron cringing. "What strip club, love?"
"Platinum Lace, in London," Harry said with a bland smile. "See you soon?"
That was a low blow. Harry had to know that Fred was going to show up now. Fred was jealous as hell and wasn't going to just play cards while Harry was in a strip club.
And when Fred showed up, Ron needed to watch his back because he was going to kill him.
Fred and Harry really were a matched set.
"See you soon, love you."
"Love you." Harry put the mirror away and clapped Ron on the shoulder in a chilling way. "Let's go drink, yeah?"
"You're going to let Fred kill me?" Ron groaned, allowing Harry to lead him inside. "I swear to you, George made it sound real."
"I'm sure he did," Harry said softly, not real sympathetically. "And you can explain it to Fred if he comes, yeah?"
"'If'," Ron snorted. "He'll be here any bloody moment and your stag party will be ruined by my murder."
Harry's smile was a little sharp and his eyes were a little too sparkly as he held the door open for Ron. "Who said that was going to ruin my night?"
"And here I thought I'd be your favorite brother in a couple of days," Ron laughed as they navigated their way to the bar and he did a quick search for their friends.
Susan, Luna, and Draco were already at a table with three girls talking to them. One of them, who had colored braids in her hair and fishnets on beneath her tiny skirt, was leaning against Susan as if they were already the best of friends. The other two were chatting up a pink cheeked Draco and Luna who was gesturing widely with her hands while Ron could see her mouth moving a mile a minute. They already had a tray of drinks in front of them though, so Ron ignored them. He couldn't find Blaise or Neville though, but there looked like there were doorways to private rooms beside the stage so he assumed they went in one of those maybe.
"What do you want to drink?" Ron asked Harry as they approached the bar.
Ron felt a little better when Harry didn't look so nervous as he plopped himself in one of the barstools and glanced at the menu written on the mirror behind the counter.
"Whatever you're having," Harry said, surprisingly agreeable. He looked around the club, his face blushing even beneath the lights.
Ron laughed a little and ordered them a couple of drinks. He sat beside Harry and raised his glass to him. "Here's to your marriage mate, I can't wait to be brothers."
Harry actually smiled then and clinked his glass to Ron's before he threw it back. "You've already got four brothers, I'm sure you won't notice a fifth."
"Five, but you'll be my favorite," Ron grinned.
Harry smirked and slid their empty shot glasses and some muggle money across the bar. "I don't count Perky, do I? Fuckin prat."
"He's my least favorite," Ron assured Harry.
"Cheers to that, mate." Harry gave him his new drink and they took their second shot.
And then Ron saw his actual current least favorite brother step in the club and undoubtedly lost color in his face quick enough that Harry turned to see what Ron was looking at.
"Fred!" Harry leapt nimbly off his tall chair and strut through the crowded pub, easily moving his body so none of the muggles- the crowd or the dancers -could touch him as he made his way to Fred.
Ron followed behind him, feeling like a man marching to the gallows.
Fred stepped off to the side, letting some others step in the club around him—
"Charlie?" Ron drew up short and shook his head as Charlie, George, Angelina, and Lee all came inside. "What are you doing here?"
Lee laughed loudly and reached over to ruffle Ron's hair. "You know what's better than two separate stag parties?"
"One single stag night at the Platinum Lace," George said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
"And it's all thanks to you," Lee said with a fake sniffle as Ron ducked away from his hand. "I'll mention what a good bloke you are at your funeral when Fred kills you."
Ron gulped and looked over to where Fred had Harry pulled to the side and they were having a very heated and whispered debate. Ron took a little step closer to them and tried to eavesdrop without seeming to eavesdrop while the rest of Fred's stag party went to get drinks.
Ron could only get snippets of their conversation, as loud as it was in there, but it didn't really clear anything up for him either.
"…okay?"
"Yeah, it's just…"
"…get it… we can leave."
"…Ron… I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
After Harry's last 'yeah', the two of them turned almost at the same time and Harry tilted his head curiously at Ron while Fred's eyes promised revenge.
"Why aren't you drinking or…" Harry's wary eyes flickered toward the stage where Neville and Blaise now were seated it. "Doing whatever the fuck that is?"
"Er…" Ron shrugged and felt rather sheepish. "I was making sure you wanted to stay? We can go, if you want?"
"Nah." Harry waved a hand and clearly tried to look bored, but his eyes were tense. "I think… I think I'm going to talk to them."
"To who?" Ron asked, mystified and wondering if Harry was drunk off two shots already.
Harry shared a sly smile with Fred. "The dancers," Harry said, as if it were obvious. "I'm going to convince them to quit their jobs."
"If they only work here because they feel like they have no other choice," Fred corrected him quickly.
Harry gave him an disbelieving look. "Why the hell would they want to do this if they have other choices?!"
Ron shrugged and glanced around. If he was a fit bird like these muggle women were, he probably wouldn't mind working there. "Maybe they like it?" he offered.
Harry snorted, effectively expressing his belief in that. "We'll see," he said. He grabbed Fred's hand and pulled him toward the bar. "C'mon, let's get some drinks and talk to them."
Fred laughed and his response was lost to the music as he followed Harry like a lovesick crup.
Poor bastard.
Unlike Fred, who was desperately and obviously in love and uninterested in women, Ron had no intentions of spending the evening talking at all.
He looked for his friends again and saw that Susan had broken off on her own… well… not 'on her own', because she was wrapped around the girl with the colorful braids so tightly that Ron only recognized her by her glittering arm.
But Luna and Draco were sitting near the stage with a table full of drinks and loads of pretty women and that seemed like precisely where Ron wanted to be, so he went to hang out with two of his best friends while the rest of his friends were off doing their own thing.
Harry was mad, trying to get the women to quit their jobs, Ron was mentally planning on opening his own strip club while he drank and laughed and flirted and generally had a merry time with his friends.
"Where's Harry?" Neville shouted in Ron's ear a couple of hours later when Ron was getting a fresh drink at the bar.
Ron waved his hand to the table in the corner where Harry and Fred had been all night. Harry was carrying on a very solemn conversation with a gorgeous girl with dark skin and bare breasts. Fred was nodding at his side and making notes on a piece of paper to show the girl.
"Harry's trying to convince her to quit working here," Ron yelled back to Neville.
Neville, good man that he was, looked positively bewildered. "Why?"
Ron shrugged and finished off his drink. "Last I heard, he was explaining to her that Snape told him that people shouldn't sell their bodies for money because then it isn't consent, or some shit like that."
Which was about the time that Fred asked Ron if there were better places he could be sticking his nose and Ron got the hint and wandered off.
Neville eyed the table where their friends sat and watched as another girl walked over and sat with them. "So… Harry's recruiting to try and get strippers to quit their jobs?"
"Yup," Ron popped his lips and shook his head. "Mad bastard."
Neville laughed and raised his hand at the bartender, handing her some muggle money when she slid two drinks to them. "I'll drink to that."
As it turned out, there were loads of things that Neville would drink to.
Ron and Neville had a hell of a time as they made up more and more outrageous things to toast to.
At one point, there were a bunch of them sitting at their table and Neville toasted to Snape.
"To Severus Snape!" he yelled. "For making us friends!"
"Poor bastard," Charlie laughed as he joined their toast along with the rest of their friends and the dancers that were hanging out with them.
After that, Blaise slurred out, "To gorgeous women in cheap heels!" and everyone, including the muggle girls in the 'cheap heels', drank and laughed at him.
Ron was sure they made an odd sight in the muggle club.
George and Lee were sitting at the stage, just tossing loads of money at the girls dancing on the stage and on the pole. Rather brave of George, Ron thought, Angelina would probably kill him.
Correction… Ron hadn't seen her after his brothers and Lee arrived, but Angelina came sauntering out of the private room with a pretty dancer and then settled herself beside George in front of the stage where they shared a quick kiss then turned back to the show together.
At Ron's table, the table that kept growing as random topless girls pulled up chairs and struck up conversations at random times, Susan was attached at the lips with one of the girls. The two of them were getting plenty of leers aimed in their direction. Leers that diminished only when they caught sight of Charlie beside Susan. Charlie who was torn between glaring at the gawkers and eyeing Susan with quite a bit of interest himself.
Ron tried to not look.
Was it the hottest thing he'd ever seen? Yeah. Would Charlie kill him? Also yeah. But the real threat was that if Ron got caught looking, then Susan would probably kill him and Ron was too young to die.
Also, he couldn't die just yet because one of the prettiest dancers in that place had given him a slip of paper with her tellyphone number on it and Ron planned on calling 'Hazel' as soon as Hermione taught him how to use a tellyphone.
She'd left after talking with Harry. Harry who spent most of the night in the corner with Fred, steadily accepting drinks that they all kept sending his way, and having solemn conversations with the dancers about their 'options'.
Apparently Hazel took Harry telling her that she didn't have to 'sell her body unless she did it because she liked it' to heart and had quit on the spot.
Ron was just shocked that she gave him her number before she walked right out of the club.
Draco had Luna's legs across his lap and looked smug as he sipped on a drink and whispered in her ear, causing her to drunkenly giggle every now and again.
Blaise had one of the strippers actually sitting in his lap and he seemed perfectly content to let her nuzzle in his neck and murmur questions to him that he answered with either a nod or a shake of his head.
Another girl was sitting between Ron and Neville, chatting pleasantly with them both. She wasn't as pretty as Hazel was, but she wasn't bad looking either and Neville was doing a hell of a job as he valiantly kept trying to look at her face and not her breasts.
Just when Ron began to look around the crowded club for Harry and Fred, he felt someone stumble behind him and turned to see Harry nearly falling flat on his face.
"Oh, he's so pissed," Charlie laughed at the flushed look on Harry's face. "Damn, Fred, did you not try and prevent that?"
Fred grinned and shook his head. "Harry's a funny drunk," he said as he hauled Harry to his feet. "And who am I to deny my heart what his heart wants?"
"What does his heart want?" The girl beside Ron asked curiously.
"Chaos, usually," Draco drawled, causing them all to laugh.
"And after chaos, then Fred," Luna added, making Fred look so smug that Ron couldn't stand it.
Proving their points though, Harry very drunkenly fished in his pockets while making the most ridiculously sappy eyes ever at Ron. He triumphantly pulled a sickle out and wiggled his eyebrows in a very un-Harry-like way.
"Hey," Harry slurred, tossing a lazy arm over Ron's shoulders, "if I flip this coin, what're the odds of me getting head?"
Ron roared with laughter as Fred firmly grabbed Harry and drug him off of Ron.
"Harry, love, we're getting married in less than two days," he said, sounding a bit like their mum. "It's a bad time to tell me now that you've got a crush on Ron."
"Ron?" Harry blinked slowly at Fred, his eyes glassy. "Thought I was marryin' Fred?"
"You are," Ron assured him.
"Brill," Harry smiled a crooked and soppy smile. "Fred's great, ain't he? Just… fit and funny and alllll mine."
Fred and Ron both laughed at the very drunken bullshit that Harry was spewing.
"I'm going to get him some water, try and keep your hands to yourself," Fred warned Ron, probably only partially joking, before depositing Harry into a chair with a back and moving toward the bar.
"What else do you like about Fred?" Neville asked Harry, egging him on the moment Fred walked away.
Harry sighed and Ron swore that his eyes began twinkling. "He just knows me," Harry said, very seriously. "He knows everythin' about me. Like the stuff that I don't tell you lot, Fred knows."
"Oh yeah?" Draco grinned and leaned toward Harry. "Like what?"
Harry propped his chin on his hand and blinked slowly. "Everything," he slurred. "He knows 'bout the people I killed—
Tons of them, Ron was sure.
Ron was mostly just impressed that the three dancers sitting with them didn't look phased in the slightest by Harry's drunken murder confessions.
—and he knows 'bout the maniac depressed bullshit—"
"What?" Blaise interrupted Harry and squinted at him suspiciously. "What maniac depressed bullshit?"
Harry went to wave his hand, apparently forgetting that his hand was currently holding his chin up, so he wound up face planting the table rather hard.
The girl on Blaise's lap cooed and reached over to help Harry up while everyone else held back their laughter.
Even drunk, Harry would undoubtedly kill them. Maybe especially more so because he was drunk.
Harry sat back up and patted the girl very kindly on her head. "You're a nice lady," he said. "You should quit and go be a teacher, like the other girl."
This girl smiled sharply at Harry. "I hate kids."
Harry nodded, "Understandable."
"The maniac depressed thing, darling?" Blaise asked Harry, obviously curious about it.
"You've got it too?" Harry asked, his mouth open in surprise. "Brill, thought it was jus' me and Sirius, didn't I?"
"What is it?" Draco asked curiously.
Susan detached herself from the dancer that she was putting on a hell of a show with long enough to glare at Blaise and Draco. "Don't try and get Harry's secrets because he's drunk."
"She's right," Charlie said kindly. "Harry, you're drunk, mate, maybe try shutting up?"
"Don't tell him to shut up," Fred snapped, walking back to their table at the worst possible moment. He sat by Harry and gave him a cup full of water. "Drink, love."
Harry ignored the water in favor of staring at Fred like a blind man stares at colors for the first time. "Fred!" he cried happily. "I was just talkin' about you!"
Fred looked amused as he rearranged himself behind Harry and lifted Harry in his arms to place him neatly across his lap. "Were you?"
"Yessss." Harry nodded and gestured to the others, nearly knocking over his glass of water if Neville hadn't saved it in the nick of time. "They said 'why do I love you?'"
It wasn't quite the question, but close enough.
"Oh yeah?" Fred smiled at Harry. "Why do you love me, darlin?"
Harry's responding smile was pretty drunk, but it was also genuine and made Ron happy to see.
Harry laid his head on Fred's should and Ron would never forget his answer:
"Cause I can tell you anything. I can be myself with you, and you love me no matter what. You're my best friend, Fred, my sunny beach."
Fred and Harry set the bar pretty high, in Ron's opinion.
Ron would never really be in love with someone unless he felt exactly how Harry felt about Fred.
"That's so beautiful," the dancer on Blaise's lap sniffled a bit. "Excuse me, I'm going to go call my husband."
Blaise waited until she walked off to hiss at the others, "She's married?"
"Don't you like threesomes?" Neville asked Blaise with a teasing smile. "Maybe they'll let you join."
"Oh!" Harry yelped and smacked himself in the forehead. "Fred, Blaise wants us to have a threesome with him. I told him I was tellin' you he said that."
Ron let out a startled laugh while Blaise grinned all the way up until Fred glared at him.
"I'd rather not," Fred said, his eyes staring down Blaise pretty hard. "I don't actually share much."
"What happened to no multiple sexual partners?" Charlie asked Harry playfully.
Harry blinked at Charlie, then blinked at Susan and her partner. "D'you love Susan?" he asked curiously, apparently choosing to ignore Charlie's question.
Susan surfaced for air and smiled sweetly (like how poison was sweet, Ron figured). "What an excellent question, Harry."
Charlie chuckled, though he sounded nervous. "Harry's pissed and you're snogging a stripper and now you want to know if I love you?" he asked Susan.
"Yes," Susan said simply. The girl with her arms still wrapped around Susan's shoulders nodded eagerly.
Charlie finished his glass of whatever nasty non-alcoholic drink he had and ran a hand down his face. He looked around at the others, stupidly hoping one of them would rescue him. When he saw everyone watching him with various degrees of curiosity on their faces, he frowned and turned to focus on Susan, choosing to ignore the rest of them.
"Yes," he said bluntly, his ears turning a bit red. "You're brilliant and beautiful and so loyal and fierce. You're entirely out of my league and there seems to be a whole queue of blokes, and birds," he nodded slightly at the stripper, "who want to be with you. But I want you to be with me because I'm pathetically in love with you."
Nobody seemed to know what to say while they looked between Charlie's honest and embarrassed face and Susan's look of genuine surprise.
Then Harry broke the silence.
"Sueee," he said in a drunk whine, "if you marry Charlie before I die then we can be like sib- sib- you'd be my sister."
They all laughed and the blue haired dancer kissed Susan chastely on the cheek and whispered something to her that made Susan's eyes twinkle before she got up and walked off.
"Oh, Harry, my platonic soulmate, the sugar to my tea, the blood to my murder, do you mind if I take off?" Susan asked Harry with a grin as she got to her feet. "I'll meet you back home in the morning?"
Ron glanced at Charlie and saw that his broad shoulders were curling inward just the slightest amount.
Poor bloke. Just confessed his love and Susan wasn't even going to respond.
This was why Fred and Harry were good goals, and Susan was not.
"Mmkay." Harry smiled up at Susan. "Love you, Suzie-Q."
Susan sighed. "And I love you, but I truly despise your husband-to-be." She turned to Charlie and grinned as she offered him her golden hand. "Walk me home, Mister Weasley?"
Charlie's slumped shoulders suddenly straightened out and he got to his feet and tucked her hand in his arm. "I'd be honored, Miss Bones." He tipped an imaginary hat to the rest of them, "Ladies, Lads, be safe."
Ron smirked as Charlie and Susan walked out of the club together. He wouldn't put more than five galleons on it, but he'd bet that Charlie was getting lucky that night.
"'M I getting married?" Harry asked blankly as Susan and Charlie left. "To who?"
Fred sighed in an exhausted sort of way. "Me, love. In about 36 hours."
"Really?" Harry turned and scrutinized Fred closely. "Brill, you're soo fit."
Ron and Draco laughed, as did Luna, but Fred only shook his head as he smiled up at Harry.
"You're a fun drunk, love, but are you ready to go?"
"With you? Yep." Harry went to jump to his feet and wound up falling rather spectacularly on the floor. He jumped right to his feet though before anyone could help him and wiggled his fingers. "I'm awesome," he said.
"You are awesome," Blaise nodded in agreement.
"Who? Me?" Harry laughed and shook his head. "'M the fuckin' worst, Blaise."
Merlin's pants, Harry was pissed.
"No, you're perfect," Luna said stubbornly. "Also…" she looked around the club until her glassy eyes focused on the clock. "Happy birthday!"
"Is it your birthday?" The dancer beside Ron gasped. "You can't leave now!"
Harry stood there, wobbling and confused, while the girl jumped up and ran to the stage. "Wazzgoin' on?"
"Something mad, probably," Fred told him. He got up and put a steadying arm around Harry's shoulders. "My brother is a—"
Whatever Ron was, they didn't learn, because the girl snatched the microphone on the stage and called for everyone's attention.
"Excuse me, but I just found out that we have another birthday in the house tonight!"
Fred groaned as the club erupted in cheers and all their friends turned to look at a still confused Harry.
"Who's birthday is it?" Harry whispered, causing Blaise to snort in amusement.
"Let's get the birthday boy up here!" The girl called, causing Fred to groan again.
They probably could have snuck out, but then George and Angelina started chanting Harry's name and everyone turned to look in his direction.
Fred sighed when two topless dancers, a sexy blonde with glasses and a curvy brunette with a spiked collar around her neck, made their way to Harry. They both took one of his arms and began to guide him to the stage.
"Luna, move," Draco gasped, trying to swivel his body to see the stage clearly. "Come on, let's go sit by Not-Fred Weasley and watch!"
Blaise slammed down the rest of his drink and snatched Neville's arm and took off after Draco and Luna to secure stage seats.
Fred threw a definitely not friendly arm around Ron's shoulders as they moved to the stage as well.
"I'm going to get even one day," he said conversationally.
"For what?" Ron scowled. "Harry's having fun."
"You could have taken him to a gun shop and he'd have the time of his life," Fred said. He frowned as the four dancers on stage guided an incredibly and obviously drunk Harry into a chair. "Instead, you got him drunk and brought him to a bloody strip club. Did that seem like a real good idea, Ronnie?"
Yes.
"Dunno," Ron hedged. He tried to duck from Fred's arm as they sat behind George and Angelina. "Maybe not?"
"Definitely not." Fred didn't sound mad, but Ron grew up with him- a yelling Fred was less frightening than a polite one. "Hence, I will be getting even."
Ron's rebuttal, that he was trying to come up with quickly, was cut off by the start of a loud, and terrible, song blaring through the club and the show happening on stage.
Harry was suddenly surrounded by women that, off stage looked beautiful, but on stage suddenly looked ferocious.
And Harry looked bewildered and drunk and a little nervous.
The four women danced around him for a minute or so, shaking themselves in front of him and running their hands on his body, before one of them climbed in his lap to general cheers of the crowd and the others began… there really wasn't a good word for it… mauling? attacking? vigorously petting?… every bloody inch of him.
Harry might have been fine- if he'd been any other bloke. He might have even enjoyed having breasts and arses in his face by four attractive women.
But it was Harry…
And the moment he stepped off stage after the song ended and the pub cheered and sang happy birthday, he all but flew to Fred's side.
"Let's go," he said immediately. "Bye, Ron."
"Alright, that's fair," Ron muttered to his brother while their friends laughed at harry.
"What is?" Fred asked.
Ron nodded to Harry's glitter covered red face. "Getting even," he told Fred. "I thought he'd have fun, cut back like a normal bloke."
Harry blinked and looked mildly more lucid. "Ron?"
"Yeah, mate?"
Harry's smile was sleepy and drunk, but it was still a smile. "This was the stupidest fuckin' idea in the world, but I love you anyway."
"Then he said he loved me anyway." Ron was recounting Harry's statement to Neville and Blaise thirty minutes later when they were the last of their friends in the club; if you didn't count George and Angelina who had been in the 'VIP Room' with a pair of dancers since Harry came off stage. "So I don't reckon I'll be in last, eh?"
Blaise laughed and held three fingers up, easily ordering them each a new drink. He raised his to Ron in what seemed to be a mocking toast. "'Worst fucking idea in the world'," he said. "I hope you enjoy last place, Ron."
"'Stupidest'," Ron corrected him in a mumble before he took a sip of his drink.
It was fine. Ron didn't mind getting last place on the list they were going to force Harry make for them.
Neville had fun.
Harry cut loose.
Ron got a cute girl's telly number.
And Harry loved him even if his ideas weren't always the best.
Ron counted the entire holiday as an absolute win.
*****
To: Susan, Blaise, Ro the gang: To be read only after my death!
You guys are such competitive dicks.
Do you know how sick I am of writing stuff?
8th place: Ron
- If I never see another pair of sparkling boobs, I'll be happy. One
of those women tried to suffocate me, mate. I'll never get the body glitter off my jacket. 7th place: Hermione.
- I'll never wear a dress again. You're evil. I hope you do fun
things like that more often. 6th place: Neville.
- That waitress saw me in my pants, mate. Karaoke was brill
though. You could be a rockstar. 5th place: Draco.
- Releasing that snake was the highlight of my life. Having that
giraffe spit at me was not. 4th place: Luna.
- Magical drugs and fist fighting muggles? Brill. The way it felt
like I ate cotton the next morning? Not so brill. 3rd place: Susan
- You made everyone get tattoos. You're going to rule the
magical world one day with powers like that. 2nd place: Theo.
- Do you know how many laws we broke? I looked it up: eighteen.
You mad bastard. 1st place: Blaise.
- I know you had to do a lot more work than you said to make
that concert happen and I'm glad that I got to go to one before I died. Also, you jumped off a bridge for me. Fucking brill. For eleven years I wanted friends. I told myself not to want
them, but I still did secretly. And I wound up with the best ones in any universe.
I love you all.
-Harry