August 18, 1997
Severus stood in his bathroom, clutching the sink, staring at the man in his mirror.
He studied every line in his face. Every hair on his head, the sparse grey ones proof of his aging. He stared in his own eyes- dark, tired, the eyes of a coward.
It was… incomprehensible to imagine living his life, having a life, without Harry. Since the boy was born, he had been Severus' drive to continue life. First to protect him for Lily, then to protect him for his own grievous mistake his part in making him an orphan, then later protecting him, raising him, for Harry himself.
Everything Severus had done for the last eighteen years had been for Harry Potter.
And if Harry Potter ceased to exist, how was Severus meant to continue?
"You're going to make all those people who count on you just feel like shit and hey, it won't be your problem, right?"
Would Severus allow the last of his life to be an act of cowardice?
After some time, Nymphadora moved to the bathroom and slipped soft arms around Severus' waist while she nuzzled her face in the back of his neck.
"What are you doing in here?" she asked, her voice thick with the sleep that eluded Severus.
"Re-evaluating my life and my value," Severus said in a truthful whisper. "What value do I carry once Harry is gone?"
Nymphadora tugged on his waist until Severus obliged her silent command and turned to face her. Nymphadora's typically cheerful face, a cheer that had been markedly absent and sorely missed recently, was solemn as she stared unblinking up at him and seemed to stare straight in to his soul with her violet colored eyes.
"What value does the most brilliant potion master in the country carry?" she asked, her tone rebuking in a gentle way. "What value does the man leading an army have? Sev, Harry might be the most important person in your world, but he isn't the entire world."
He was. Harry was Severus' entire world. Or, if not his world, then certainly the gravity that held Severus there.
"He'd be so disappointed," Nymphadora said softly, somehow following Severus' thoughts. It was always a marvel to know that there was a person who could read Severus' silent moments- an unwanted reminder that there would be at least one person left behind in grief once Severus followed Harry to the grave.
"Severus, please." Nymphadora held both his hands and squeezed them tightly enough to be uncomfortable. Her lovely face was stricken, and Severus had been the one to put the expression there. And Nymphadora Tonks was not meant to be so drawn and grave; she was made to be mischievous and irksome and witty.
"Choose a harder path," she implored him with all the passion she carried for every cause she took up. "Dying is easy, it's a cowards way to avoid the pain. Living though? Living and making him proud?" She smiled softly, "That's what he would want."
Severus kept a hold of her hands, pulling her to the floor with him. He was caught up in the words she fed him - a soothing meal to a starving man.
"How?" he asked desperately. "My entire life is wrapped around the boy." Go on without him? Leave Harry behind as a casualty of war? It was unthinkable, it sent a dagger of ice through his chest to try.
Nymphadora pried his fingers off her hands and then leaned forward on her knees to cup his face gently.
"Severus Snape, I love you, but you are a brainless dunderhead," she said, a touching sentiment coupled with a barb, as Severus had only heard those words from Harry, once, in the last twenty-three years. Before Harry, it had been his mother at the end of their fourth year.
"Sev, you know I love you." Lily huffed and shoved her trunk on a shelf in the train compartment before spinning around and glaring at him with crossed arms. "But you really need to sort out your priorities. You can't honestly want to sit with Rosier and Regulus."
Severus had sat with the other Slytherin boys who were walking down a darker path. And it had been the last time anyone had said they loved him until Harry had after Barty's death, twenty years later, nearly to the date.
Severus had thought that the death he was the catalyst for, Lily's, would be the weightiest one in his life, yet losing her son, his son, would be unbearable.
"You do have more than just Harry to consider," Nymphadora went on, causing Severus to blink away the memory of the past in favor of the words of the future.
"Do I?" Severus croaked.
Nymphadora raised a pink brow at him and used her hands to force him to nod his own head.
"Yes," she said firmly. "Or did you take all these kids in with the plan to abandon them? Theo, Rosie, Luna?" she said, driving home Severus' sorely abandoned responsibilities.
Severus closed his eyes for a moment. He thought of Luna, who had been refusing to assist Severus in the lab since Hermione's death. And even while Harry refused his potion, there were many others who required them. Theodore, his daughter, Black, the wolves.
It had been no small task to lose Luna's assistance.
Theodore was another responsibility of Severus', his daughter an extension of that. And… Severus had hardly seen the boy. Never at meals, never with his daughter. He had skipped Hermione's funeral, which perhaps should have driven Severus to a more active position in dragging the boy away from the cliff of grief.
Who knew more about enduring unendurable losses than Severus?
"How do I fix this?" Severus asked, looking to Nymphadora for the answers he needed. He could not save Harry, the Gods themselves had cursed the boy with the horcrux, no mortal could save him. Theodore and Luna however? Surely Severus could fix them, help them.
Surely Severus could save one of these children from being damned by a war that they never should have become participants in.
"I think… maybe… you should remember that just because they're seventeen doesn't really mean they're adults," Nymphadora said slowly. "They still look to you for guidance, so guide them."
Severus considered all that she said later while Nymphadora snored on his chest in the bed they shared.
Make them proud even when he are gone.
Guide them.
Severus smoothed her hair down, a reluctant smile tugging at his lips at the way her short hair defied gravity during her sleep, and pressed a gentle kiss to her head.
For such a brash and foolish young woman still in the early stage of her life, Nymphadora was not without remarkably wise advice on occasion.
Severus decided to begin with Theodore.
It was improper to allow him to skip such vital times in his child's life due to his, understandable, heartache at Hermione's death. It was tragic, it was unfair, and Severus had not forgotten that it was Hermione who chose to continue the pregnancy and Theodore who asked for the termination potion. Regardless, that child was Theodore's responsibility and he would neglect her no longer.
If Severus had to take up his responsibilities, so did Theodore.
Severus went to Harry's room the next morning and walked in on Frederick feeding the baby a bottle while Harry grabbed ridiculously tiny frilly outfits from the wardrobe he had added.
Theodore's daughter should not have a wardrobe in Harry's room.
And Severus should never have allowed such a tragedy to continue so long.
"May I?" Severus held his arms out to Frederick for the infant.
Frederick looked toward Harry.
"Sure?" he said, carefully handing Severus the baby when Harry offered no immediate protest.
"Wait! What are you doing?" Harry asked when Severus turned and began to leave the room. "Sev! She isn't dressed! Hey, hey! Don't fuckin ignore me!"
"I am taking her to her father," Severus said over his shoulder, speaking slowly and calmly in an effort to have Harry match his tone. "If she needs to be dressed, Theodore can do it."
"Sev!" Harry followed Severus out to the corridor, a pink outfit clutched in his hands. "Hey, no. Theo doesn't know how to do it, does he? He's never even held her!"
Severus looked Harry over closely and held back a grimace at his ragged appearance. Bags under his eyes, his hair disheveled, clothes stained and wrinkled.
It broke Severus' heart and hardened his resolve to see Harry looking a decade older than he should. Severus should have stepped in from the beginning, but it was not too late to finally do so.
"Rose is a week old now, it is time Theodore held her," Severus told Harry. He was not unsympathetic to Harry's concerns, yet Theodore could hardly begin bonding with his daughter while Harry monopolized her care. "I will watch him, Harry. She will be safe."
Frederick stepped out of the room and moved behind Harry. He put his hands on Harry's shoulders and ducked his head to whisper something Severus could not hear. Whatever he said though, Harry nodded curtly.
"If he drops her, I'll fuckin kill you both," Harry snarled. Contrary to his harsh tone, he carefully handed Severus the clothing he carried.
"She will be fine," Severus assured Harry. "Go rest, child."
Harry made a derisive noise and stormed downstairs with Frederick, a pointed and loud refusal.
One problem at a time though.
Severus juggled the infant to get to his wand. He hasn't anticipated needing to exert himself to rip through the wards and locks Theodore placed on his door, but Theodore very blatantly wished to be alone.
Unfortunately for him, Severus could no longer tolerate it.
Theodore laid on top of his bed, his face blank and his eyes hollow and unblinking from where he stared up at the ceiling when Severus entered.
"Theodore. Theodore!" Severus moved to the bed and placed his hand on Theodore's shoulder, receiving little more acknowledgment than a shuddering breath. "This belongs to you," Severus said. He gently lifted the infant that looked so like the girl Severus couldn't save from his arms and placed her on Theodore's chest.
The girl hardly made a sound, her little pink lips were closed in a pout while she continued to sleep. Theodore however, the boy jerked so hard that Severus reached out automatically to stabilize the infant that continued to sleep.
"I don't want her," Theodore said hoarsely. He looked quickly away from the cap of black curls on the girl's head to the ceiling and Severus saw his jaw tick and his muscles lock in place. "Harry and Fred do, take her to them."
Severus stared at the boy with pity. While the circumstances could not be more different, Severus was not indifferent to the loss of a woman so deeply loved. Theodore drowned in the same black waves that Severus had felt, rougher all the more for Hermione had loved Theodore back.
It was a heavy burden to lose one you loved, it was an immovable weight to lose one who loved you in return.
The girl though, the girl would save Theodore or condemn him. Theodore could use her as his life raft, holding him above the waters with the innocent link to his lost love. Or the girl would be his anchor, holding him down while he let the grief drive the life from his body.
It was entirely dependent on Theodore and the type of man he chose to be.
"Say her name," Severus told Theodore. He repeated himself when Theodore ignored him and clenched his eyes shut. "The baby, Theodore, say her name."
A tear trickled down the side of Theodore's face- a grieving man's face, no longer a boy.
"Take her and go," Theodore whispered. "Please."
Severus reached over and wiped the tear from Theodore's face. A kindness for the boy who Severus had been responsible for for three years. A kindness for the boy who was often overlooked for Severus' much more troublesome son.
"Say her name," Severus urged him. "Trust me, Theodore, say it."
Theodore's hand, which had been clenched in a fist at his side, his arm flat on the bed, twitched. It raised, then dropped.
"Go," Theodore said weakly, his voice trembling. "Take her to Harry and go."
"She is not only your child," Severus reminded him gently. "Think of Hermione, what she would say if she were here. Say her name, Theo."
Theodore's eyes snapped open and Severus felt his anguish as harshly as if it were his own. What were once a rich brown, filled with intelligence and cunning, were now dull and surrounded by the red of grief.
"Rose," he whispered. Theodore's hand flew to the infant and touched her back hesitantly. His voice broke and the damn of tears locked behind his eyes poured, "Hermione Rose."
Severus waited until Theodore inched to a more productive position, his back reclined against his headboard with the baby held tightly against his chest, before he silently left the room.
He heard Theodore's cries, heartbreaking and pitiful, just before he closed the door.
Severus opened the bedroom door that had been marked with the plaque 'Susan, Luna, Draco' on his way downstairs to breakfast.
"Luna, your assistance is required after breakfast," he told the girl who was curled up as a kitten on the bed. Draco ran his fingers through her dull hair, lackluster when it had once shone, and Susan rubbed her back with a similarly lost expression. Luna blinked up at Severus, as if she hardly recognized him.
"I cannot brew without you," he told her, a great stretch of the truth. He stood in the doorway and attempted to look as commanding as he once had when he ran a classroom. He drew himself up and looked down his nose at her with an eyebrow raised up in challenge. "You will either be in the lab in an hour or you will go to Moon Lodge and inform the wolf children why they will be in excruciating pain this full moon. Is that perfectly understood?"
It was a gamble, using a harsh tone with Luna when he had been soft with Theodore, but it was not a gamble without reward.
When Severus turned to leave, with nasty looks from his godson and Susan aimed at his back, Susan whispered to Luna, "You don't have to, Lue, ignore him."
Severus felt another band release itself from his chest when Luna spoke up, raspy and forlorn.
"No, I'll help."
Severus smirked and knocked on every child's door as he passed them. He poked his head in at Longbottom, Blaise, and Ronald's room.
"Breakfast, now," he snapped, driving the three boys out of their beds and to their feet.
He did the same thing at the room that Charles and George had began sharing.
"Downstairs," he told them curtly, closing the door before arguments could be given.
He very nearly knocked on Narcissa and Lucius' door, but common sense broke through his determination and he bypassed it silently.
God forbid that Narcissa ended Severus' life just when he began to recall precisely who he was.
Harry was pacing the dining room when Severus entered. He pulled at his hair and scowled at the floor while Frederick perused the morning paper and two elves brought out food.
"Where's Rosie?" Harry asked Severus once Severus alerted him to his arrival by noisily pulling his chair out.
"With her father," Severus said simply as he sat. "Sit, eat, Harry."
Harry curled a lip at Severus and his eyes began flicking toward the staircase. Severus recognized the look in his eyes, it was the look Harry adopted when he began searching for escape routes. And he would not allow it.
"No," Severus said firmly, smacking the table to gain Harry's focus. Severus held his gaze evenly, narrowing his eyes as Harry did. In a battle of wills, Severus would not be beaten by a seventeen year old. No matter how willful the child in question was.
"Give your brother time with the girl," Severus said, appealing to Harry's sense of brotherhood with Theodore. "They cannot bond if you do not allow them to."
Harry stuffed his hands in his pajama bottom pockets, his entire body looked prepared to lunge for the stairs at the smallest sound.
"Theo can't drown her if I don't allow it," he said, mocking Severus with his tone. "I know you don't give a damn, but—"
"Enough!" Severus slapped both hands on the table and got to his feet. Frederick looked between them slowly before raising the paper, covering his face, while Severus and Harry glared at one another from opposite ends of the table. "Contrary to your extraordinarily respectful regards, I do 'give a damn'," Severus sneered. "And while you continue to interfere, Theodore will never bond with the daughter who needs him."
"She needs someone who cares!" Harry said, his voice rising to match his obvious agitation.
"She needs someone who will be here to raise her!"
The quivering anxiety that had been radiating from Harry fled in a single instant. Frederick let out a quiet noise of distress and put the paper on the table. And Severus berated himself silently.
It was only Harry who had the gift of vexing Severus to the point where his tongue operated independently of his brain.
Harry's shoulders slumped and he nodded before Severus could apologize.
"Yeah," he said, his voice small in a way that Harry Potter was not meant to be. "You're right. Rosie should have someone when I'm dead. I'll just leave them alone."
Severus sank heavily in his seat and rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand after Harry turned and left, moving through the kitchen and out the backdoor.
Frederick cleared his throat. "Has anyone told you that you're a bloody idiot?"
Severus continued massaging his temple as he nodded curly. "They have."
"Good." Frederick got up and pushed his chair in harshly. "You bloody moron."
Severus allowed Frederick to chase after Harry while the others began arriving to breakfast. Luna came down the stairs, dressed in the stained robe she preferred when brewing. Susan and Draco sat on either side of her, both more friendly than they had been. The rest of them filtered in, giving curious looks to Harry's uncharacteristically empty seat before taking their places.
Severus scrutinized them all closely and nodded before plucking up Frederick's abandoned newspaper. While Harry would always be Severus' most difficult, most cherished, responsibility, it was validating to see proof that he was not unable to juggle the others as well.
Nymphadora hid a whisper behind a peck to Severus' cheek when she came downstairs, dressed for the day in a warm jumper and jeans, and saw all the others talking and eating.
"You used scary Professor Snape voice on them, didn't you?"
Severus smirked and nodded at her. "I did."
Nymphadora beamed at him with approval while she took her seat. She looked around the packed table happily (Severus suddenly wondered if Nymphadora had always preferred being the only child in a family made small by disownment and circumstance or if she moved in Invisibility Way to relish in the feeling of belonging to a larger group of people) but paused when she saw Harry's conspicuously empty seat.
"Where's Harry?" she asked, driving the smirk off Severus' face.
"He summoned his broomstick through a window," Charles told her with an amused uptick of his lips. "Shattered the bloody window and scared the hell out of me."
Severus was spared having to find a response by the unexpected arrival of Theodore.
Theodore crept in the room with his daughter cradled protectively in his arms. The boy's eyes were swollen, his face puffy and blotchy, but he had a familiar set to his jaw when he met each persons eyes when they turned to gape at him.
"Sev, can you help me?" Theodore asked, his voice strong. "I- I don't think I did this right." He held his daughter up and Susan snickered at the way the nappie on the girl was twisted in a way that would never hold any fluids, or God forbid excrement.
Severus gave Theodore a look as full of pride as he could muster in the moment as he gracefully got to his feet.
"Certainly," he said, treating the moment as if it were of no importance or shock. "Come along. Luna," Severus gave the girl a severe look, "I will see you in the lab in twenty minutes."
Luna's small smile was as vindicating as Theodore's request.
"Yes, sir," she said.
And perhaps Severus had mishandled Harry, but it did not mean that he had the others. He was certain that he would find his son later, after showing Theodore how to change a nappie and prepare bottles, after watching Luna return to life in the lab she once maneuvered with ease, and all would be well.
He had been partially correct - Harry did come find Severus after lunch when Severus sat in his office and frowned at the report of muggleborn arrests being issued.
The Minister had made a speech, discussing the terrible times their country faced and how 'no branch of magic should go unexplored'. It was harrowing how Tom Riddle carried the ability to still charm others, an ability he once had when Severus first joined his cause.
It was startling to see Minister Gaunt on the front cover, making egregious demands and gaining support through his charismatic measures. It reminded Severus of another wizard with similar skill. A wizard who breezed in Severus' office, sat down across from him, and nodded at the paper in his hands.
"They're putting muggleborns in Azkaban," Harry said. He propped his feet up on the desk, smirking at Severus' look of distaste for muddy boots on the polished wood.
"They are," Severus agreed with a heavy sigh.
Harry put his hands behind his head and his eyes danced with glee. "Wanna go rescue them?"
Severus was caught off-guard by the abrupt question.
"How do you propose we do that?" he asked slowly. It was not an idea without merit, as Severus hardly believed that 'supposed witches and wizards over the age of ten' belonged in a prison, it was merely that—
"We blow the place up."