Caleb: I would like to properly explain my feelings and have a discussion on how our dynamic has led up to this point. I want to do so because I want to be direct and to make things clear. Technically we are already having the discussion now. Unfortunately my repressed emotions of resentment has indeed exploded and has to led to this. If you are okay with this discussion being had, just react to this message with a thumbs up emoji. I struggle to be comfortable when responded with silence by the other party because it gives me a sense of unpredictability where I don't know if they would just hurt me or something else which increases anxiety for me.I really do think this discussion between us has always been needed.
Lizmarie: Sure, I don't have a problem with that. I do have one request though, if I'm able to do so: if we are to have this discussion, I do kindly request for it to be a respectful one. Assuming we are on the same page on things, I would like to believe no one here has the intention to attack the other (at least, I do not intend to, nor did I even consider about doing so). Things are stressful enough as they are, and I know you may feel anxious or feel anger/resentment. However, I think the purpose of the discussion is to understand each other's point of view, and mutually reach a outcome or resolution, not to attack each other for previous events, nor make things even more difficult than they already are. So please, no insults, and no personal attacks.
Caleb: I'll do my best to not repeat that, i apologize for acting impulsive and emotional. The anxiety was spiking up to a certain point made me see you as a threat and it was a trauma response for me to just attack first so I won't be manipulated. Im thankful to you for giving me another chance despite me having done so. I'll also do my best to try and understand your situation since I lacked the understanding of how things really were tough for you. I am sorry yet again, I appreciate you standing up for yourself and explaining it to me as it made things easier since I would prefer it that way which makes me able to truly understand your point of view.
Lizmarie: There's no need to apologize, don't worry. If I'm being honest, it did sting a little bit when it happened (your anger outburst, I mean), but I completely understand where it came from, and there's no issue with that. I just wanted to assure that, at least from my end, I'll also keep my cool and try to be as clear-headed as I can be.
Also wanted to mention ahead that I'll take my time on reading your thoughts and properly processing things (this time I won't take more than a week again, lol). Breaking the ice on discussions was probably the second hardest thing for me to do, but that has already been done, so yeah just saying that to help ease your anxiety. Likewise, I'll understand if you also do need to take your time to process.
No problem, that's completely fair, and thank you.
Caleb: I think I did tell you about this before and I think you did try and ask to get me into possibly spending quality time with you. But I think I just couldn't trust you anymore when you gave me safety, secure companionship, and gentle love. I felt like you were no longer trustworthy for me to be vulnerable with considering you have rejected me and pushed me away after I have tried to uh get closer with you. I think I did try to get closer with you and hope for an experience somehow similar as it was back then but in my mind, it felt like there was a change I simply could not control or perhaps you had changed and we could no longer have the same feeling/experience of happiness as we did back then when it was you and I and sometimes Debbie too.
Truthfully just getting the gentle healthy love from you and then you just suddenly one day not acting the same as you did before in whatever way you have where somehow you gave me that gentle and secure love feels more painful than all the mistreatment I have ever felt from others.
I don't know how to really explain it, it's like giving someone the healthy love they have desired all their life. Then one day the person who gave said healthy love just vanished and it hurts because that type of emotional intimacy is one you may never find in anyone else again but you crave for it still regardless.
I dont think i can even trust the love you give to me anymore cuz of that deep pain i felt the first time. Even if you try again somehow, I will just be suspicious of you and think you'll randomly reject me one day which felt like absolute betrayal to me at that time thinking that you were someone who I could safely love for once and share that comfortable secure love. I trusted you that you wouldn't hurt me and I just can't trust you anymore in this way if you understand what Im saying. I will just always be suspicious of you and have to feel like you might one day just randomly hurt me again like you did the first time.
Perhaps metaphorically this is a better way for me to explain it. My inner child sees you as a hope in where I could be safe and secure and stable. Only for me to one day randomly be stabbed by you. After being stabbed, I could just no longer trust whatever stability you may attempt to give me because that stabbing just simply hurted me so bad.
I also feel like im taken for granted at times, I emotionally have given you possibly everything I could.
And I feel like with the way you have acted or expressed at times, i feel like you would just think anyone could somehow do the same behaviors as me. Or that you treat my acts of love like it's nothing. I just would of liked more appreciation in a more effortful or detailed way where the things I have given you aren't taken for granted. I mean I just don't emotionally give myself for anyone, I gave you and served you willingly out of unconditional love where even if you insulted me or something. I would probably still love you which I truly have ever seen myself done before asides from my simping of fictional characters.
I also realize it is actually a me issue of me just um being exhausted of repressing my desires and feelings. It doesn't have anything to do with you or anyone.
For your information, I apologize if somehow any of my messages may sound rude or blunt or anything. I don't mean to be rude at all, I just wanted to express how I felt directly and in the best way I could.
Lizmarie: No problem, I haven't had the chance to properly read them just yet; family has been sick for a few weeks now and it finally caught up to me.
Caleb: All good, just wanted temporarily reassurance that I'm not blunt or anything. Sorry, take ur time, I don't mind if you do really.
Lizmarie: Thanks for the heads up, and it's okay. Again i understand. A saluating emoji is inserted.
Caleb: Here is the start of it btw if you didn't want to scroll up or didn't know where it began or some other possibility that i havent thought of.
Also Im trying to have a healthier mindset myself, fyi, some of the things I may have said before. I could change my mind of, I never had healthy nor good friends until now recently who could give me what I needed. Just saying in case because I want to avoid as much misunderstandings as I could between us.
idk if im overwhelming u even more with these messages but i do want to make it clear about something vulnerable and honest on how I feel about u if I haven't said so before (lowkey i dont remember 💀 sorry if i repeat things again btw). I honestly do desire love and validation from everyone which is well a normal need lmao but i thought it was burdening everyone and truthfully I did crave it especially from you.
Fyi, Idk if this advice could help or not. But instead of saying "sorry for taking so long" or something as you typically do. Perhaps you could say "Thank you for your patience?". It could give your own brain as a positive stance and possibly indirectly boost ur confidence. Plus it might sound better and more confident. A shrug emoji is inserted.
This conversation occurred in late August of 2025.
That was the last of our conversation before the Author's memories became fragmented and such texts were lost due to deletion or Sylius Xavier burning the rest of Lizmarie's remaining words to my love letter to her. Chapter 13 and 14 was then recorded after this.
It's May 18th 2026 and I still ask my tarot card advisor everyday if Lizmarie is thinking of me or not.