Four different ways.
In the course of a single day, Shan Si had lifted Tao Hua off his feet and carried him in four different styles. These styles included: a bag of rice, hung up like a coat, slung over the shoulder, and now?
He was riding him on his back like a rattan back basket.
Regardless of this, not once did Shan Si seem to struggle, despite the bags under his eyes being nearly as pronounced as Tao Hua's. This was a man with strength and resilience, leaving Tao Hua confused, wondering if what he felt in his chest was envy or awe.
He really didn't know.
Tightening his arms around Shan Si's shoulders, he clumsily moved his body around, trying to get comfortable. It still remained awkward, as it wasn't often Tao Hua did this, if ever. Each time he'd glance down at the ground, he'd notice how quickly it changed, moving at a pace that not even his legs could keep up with. So, he'd turn his head back up and narrow his eyes on anything but the ground.
That also didn't help. Every time Shan Si jumped over something, or took a larger than typical step, Tao Hua would find himself slightly sliding down. Not fun. His anxiety was getting the better of him, and the idea of falling off made his chest race.
However, he wasn't very subtle in this. Maybe he thought he was, but with the way his breath heaved, and his fingers coiled around Shan Si's collar, tugging it toward him, it wasn't hard to piece things together. Shan Si was an observant man; therefore, he'd bolt his arms around Tao Hua's thighs, keeping him secured.
This naturally had an impact, subconsciously easing Tao Hua even a bit, and enough to speak.
"How much longer?" he'd ask.
Shan Si peeked at Tao Hua from the corner of his eyes. Answering, he said, "By the afternoon. Are you tired? Why not rest?"
What an embarrassing suggestion. Sleep? On the back of a man? Correction: on the back of a man who kidnapped him, insulted him, then flipped it entirely and promised to be friends?
It was somewhat unsightly, despite Tao Hua's entire life being called unsightly, he had to draw the line somewhere.
"Er, no," Tao Hua began. Though the idea wasn't bad—Tao Hua was exhausted, even he had appearances to uphold. So, he lied, "I'm fine."
When he glanced up at the sky, he noticed that it had lightened significantly to a deep pink shade, rising with colours of orange and yellow. However, the sun hadn't yet made its debut.
By the time afternoon rolled around, it would have been an entire day since the two had first met in Siyue Town. Tao Hua lowered his head, hiding behind Shan Si's, and frowned.
"What about you?" he asked, feeling a small pang of guilt. That quickly washed away with the jump of his body, and an arrogant chuckle emitting from Shan Si. "W-What?!"
"Please. You're acting like I haven't done this before," Shan Si began, shaking his head. Given their position, Tao Hua couldn't quite tell what expression he was wearing. If he had to guess, it was either painfully tired and smiling, or the type a soldier wanted to punch. There was no in-between. "Fine, fine. If I get sick, it's your fault. Deal? All men want a beauty sitting at the side of their bed nursing them back to health."
It was a joke, clearly. Embaressment, Tao Hua shrunk a bit, his face somewhat smothered in the silky, black strands of Shan Si's hair.
In all honesty, he wasn't sure if the joke was said to harm him, or to make light of what Shan Si actually thought.
Tao Hua mumbled, "I mean it."
"You don't have to worry about me, Tao Hua. I've travelled further than this," he answered, knowing fully well that he didn't even deserve that much acknowledgement. Yet, he received it as if he hadn't just traumatized this poor man. "It's not optimal timing, but those are the risks I've agreed to when I decided to take you back with me."
That didn't make any of this easier for Tao Hua.
"…are you doing this because I cried in front of you?"
Shan Si went quiet for a short duration of his walk before finally replying with, "A bit of unsolicited advice, Tao Hua: sometimes it's better not to ask questions you're terrified of hearing answers to. Something tells me you've been burnt before."
"…" Tao Hua went quiet, knowing that Shan Si was entirely right in what he was saying. His question was asked with the intention of hoping to hear one side, but frightened that it might be the other.
And yet, knowing was like a drug made to quell anxiety. Even if Tao Hua tried to rationalize with it, there was still a part of him that wanted an answer.
"I'm fine," he lied. Again.
"Okay. If you say so," Shan Si laughed. "Your tears are impactful, so in truth I am doing all of this because you wept. Is that the answer you were hoping to receive?"
"…no. Not really." Tao Hua's shoulders slumped, just as his forehead pressed against the back of Shan Si's head. He was disappointed, and his lowering eyelids showcased that well. Quietly, he said, "But I understan—"
"I don't think you do."
Tao Hua's brows furrowed, and his hands gripped Shan Si's collar.
"Exactly." With another jump, Shan Si caused Tao Hua to ram his face into the back of his head. "I can tell you still see it as a form of weakness. That's where you're both right and wrong. Do you recall what I told you back at your father's estate?"
Squeezing out the pain through a few blinks, Tao Hua mumbled. Remembering was difficult given the position he was in; therefore, the question was redundant. "A lot happened back home."
"Right. Well, I told you that some people need the consequences slapped in their face. What makes you think that I'm not subject to that very law? Is it pity?" asked Shan Si. Tao Hua stopped shaking off the pain, stopping to look down at Shan Si's head. "That's bullshit. Madness isn't an excuse, and I wasn't aware of that until you slapped it in my face."
It was the most humble Tao Hua had ever heard this man say. However, that washed away with the bark of a laugh.
"I handle it better than your father, though. Let's make that clear." The laughter stopped, and Shan Si's smug tone switched to something that sounded lighter, yet serious. "Truth be told, I have no idea what I'm doing—I don't think anyone really does, but they all need someone who thinks they know."
Another mention of others. Tao Hua didn't know how to react or feel. He just tilted his head to the side, his eyes falling on the man's ear and jawline.
"Some want that dressed in vibrant colours, while others need it dressed as a stern man capable of guiding a ship on storm-ridden seas. Most want it both ways, but they can't have it both ways. That doesn't stop them from demanding it," said Shan Si. He turned his head a bit, allowing Tao Hua to catch a glimpse of his side profile. "I'm sure you understand that, Tao Hua. Shameful, right? That I can be just as weak-minded and vulnerable as you? Now, don't flatter me all at once."
Tao Hua looked away, slightly offended. But Shan Si wasn't wrong. So, he just nodded reluctantly. "Even a human turned into a beast was once human."
"Oh my, a poet. Suiting for such a small flower," Shan Si joked, causing Tao Hua to regret ever speaking. Looking back at the road ahead, he added, "Nah. I know I'm right. It's the same as me seeing you as just as capable and strong-willed."
A joke, that's exactly how Tao Hua took Shan Si's words despite them being said without an ounce of ridicule. Instead, he focused on the more pressing issue—all the things he hadn't yet understood.
"Um, what exactly is it that you don't know, Shan Si?" asked Tao Hua, leaning his chin onto the man's shoulders. For a second, Tao Hua could have sworn he saw the man smile. It wasn't happy, nor was it angry. There was weight to this smile, yet Tao Hua couldn't quite place it on any particular emotion.
"No doubt you'll find out—most back home can't shut their goddamn mouths," Shan Si answered. The word "home" was one that shocked Tao Hua, making this man look more and more human under the blinding light now peeking through the barren branches. It fluttered over him like the reflection of water. "But let's not worry about that. Not now, at least. Who knows how close you are to despising me."
Something about the way Shan Si said that caused Tao Hua's heart to jump, almost seizing. It's true, he should absolutely hate him for everything he'd done that evening. Yet, he couldn't. Every action to expression revealed only made Tao Hua see Shan Si less than a beast, and more like a man dressed in beast's clothing.
He didn't reply, however. Tao Hua wasn't sure how he felt, or what was right to say. It was better not to say anything at all than to say something he'd regret.
"Oh, let's also keep this between us, okay?" Shan Si said. "If any of them heard I did this, they'd have a field day. It wouldn't be fun for either of us."
Another mention of whoever it was that they'd meet. This only made Tao Hua's curiosity get the better of him. He asked, "Why do they expect so much of you?"
"You'll also find that out. No need for me to waste any time on it."
"I don't get it," Tao Hua's cheek squashed into Shan Si's shoulder. He wasn't sure what it was that had Shan Si so adament on being around people he so easily seemed to be annoyed by.
But truth be told, Tao Hua hadn't any practice to apply to the situation. He was learning in real-time.
"You don't have to. Just experience it." Shan Si said. "But you don't need to yet; just relax and try to get some rest."
"…I'm sorry."
"Thank you," said Shan Si. Tao Hua somewhat lifted his head, confused, but Shan Si hadn't once looked at him. "I think that's what you meant to say."
Looking away, Tao Hua quietly replied, "Thank you."
Shan Si hadn't responded, just kept that same smile on his face as the two made their way through the woods. Though Tao Hua's mind was inundated with their conversation, it would be foolish to say he wasn't feeling the weight of his lids. Shan Si ran hotter than warm, thus it was comfortable.
But the same could have been said about Tao Hua's current state of affairs. The longer he lay there, staring up at Shan Si's focused expression, the more undefinable emotions emerged until his walls were torn down entirely.
One blink, two, three. Tao Hua struggled to keep his sights on Shan Si, as the image before him blurred. There was an attempt to keep himself awake, but with the way his eyes wandered across the man's collarbone, nape, his neck, and finally his eyes, Tao Hua found himself in a daze.
His mind wandered, and he wondered exactly what it was that ran through Shan Si's. What people he surrounded himself with, if he also had someone he had to adhere.
Basically, the more Tao Hua spoke to this man, the more surprised he felt. There was so much he wanted to learn and many questions he still had for Shan Si.
And none of it was anything he could read about in binged sessions. It was both exciting and excruciating.
Subconsciously, amid his thoughts, Tao Hua tightened his hold on Shan Si just as his eyelids finally fell. In a fucked up way, he was content. This version of Shan Si was the same as who he had met a day ago.
That made him happy, even if happy wasn't ideal. When was it ever?
Letting out a light yet long sigh, Tao Hua finally felt his heart slow, though dully ached. He thought, Is this all just him manipulating me, or is he being honest?
Tao Hua wanted to believe Shan Si was simply a man terrible with vulnerability, as much as Tao Hua was terrible with relationships. Even if it was delusional that kept him afloat, it was worth surviving for that sliver of sustenance.
Tao Hua's hands weakened, slowly letting go of the fabric, and with the slump of his head, it patted Shan Si's shoulders with every attempt Tao Hua made in trying to stay awake. So, he buried it deeper into Shan Si's neck.
Due to his current state of exhaustion, he hadn't noticed Shan Si hesitate, nor did he notice that the crunching sound of snow ceased. Not when the warmth and strong scent of pine engulfed his senses—he wanted to enjoy it once more, just in case there wouldn't be another time had Shan Si flipped again.
He heard the muffled sound of his name, spoken softly, but there wasn't enough time for Tao Hua to answer before his heavy lids got the better of him. The world flickered once, from morning to dark, before blurring out and becoming no more.
Tao Hua had finally fallen asleep.
Chapter end.
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