Chapter 198: The Sannin's Dark Cuisine
The Senju Clan kitchen, recently renovated with the finest wood from the Land of Fire, was a warzone.
Shizune, apprentice to the Godaime Hokage (in this timeline/context) and a medical-nin of considerable skill, was hiding behind a reinforced pantry door.
She was beyond words. She was beyond fear. She was in a state of pure, existential dread.
"Next!"
Tsunade's voice, brimming with a terrifying and utterly misplaced confidence, boomed through the kitchen.
She had already, in the last ten minutes, caused a flour explosion that coated the room in a fine white powder, and subsequently tried to "wash" the flour off the counters with a Suiton (Water Release) jutsu, which had flooded the floor.
Now, she quickly recovered from her "minor blunder" and fixed her gaze on the pile of fresh vegetables.
"Hmph!" Tsunade declared, holding up a pristine, brand-new cookbook. "According to the book, preparing vegetables is all about 'speed.'"
She adopted a "master's" stance. "You need to slice them into even, thin pieces as quickly as possible. It's all about precision and velocity."
How hard can this be? Tsunade thought, her competitive spirit blazing. Kurenai thinks she's so impressive with her 'homemaker' skills. I'll show her what a true Sannin can do.
She picked up the kitchen knife again, her golden-brown eyes becoming incredibly sharp, the same look she had when analyzing a critical injury.
"Shing! Shing! Shing! Shing! Shing—!"
Instantly, the kitchen was filled with a dense, metallic sound, not of chopping, but of kenjutsu. It sounded like a torrential downpour of steel.
Tsunade's hand speed was extreme; only a blur, a silver-and-flesh-colored vortex, could be seen!
Shizune, peering out from her hiding spot, was dumbfounded.
"So… so amazing!" she whispered, her fear momentarily replaced by awe.
"As expected of Lady Tsunade! That speed... that precision... This knife skill! Even the most top-tier chefs in the capital probably can't compare!"
She truly, for one fleeting, beautiful second, believed that her master was a culinary genius.
However, when Tsunade stopped, her hand a blur that resolved back into stillness with a proud thwack...
...and Shizune clearly saw the "finished product" on the cutting board...
The admiration on her face instantly froze.
The potato on the cutting board was, indeed, cut.
But it hadn't turned into "even, thin slices."
Instead, there was one huge, almost untouched chunk... one piece that was a long, triangular wedge... and one single, paper-thin, translucent slice.
It was less a culinary preparation and more an abstract sculpture titled "Potato: A Tragedy in Three Parts."
The kitchen immediately became incredibly, painfully awkward.
A single drop of cold sweat, mixed with flour-paste, seeped from Tsunade's temple.
"Ahem… This… this is a new, irregular cutting method I developed!"
She forced an explanation, her voice loud to cover the shame.
"This cutting method ensures that every piece of ingredient has a unique heating surface when cooked! This, in turn, creates a distinct... layered texture! You mortals wouldn't understand!"
Shizune's mouth twitched uncontrollably.
"Lay… layered texture?" she muttered, horrified.
"Lady Tsunade, are you sure this isn't just... just the worst knife skill I have ever witnessed in my entire life?"
For the next hour, Tsunade's kitchen was not just a disaster zone. It was a candidate for a Level-4 quarantine.
The kitchen was a mess.
A complete, utter, and total wreck.
There were remnants of ingredients—and broken kitchen utensils—everywhere.
A fish had been scaled so violently with a chakra-infused spatula that the scales were now embedded in the ceiling.
An attempt to crack an egg using her monstrous strength had resulted in an atomized egg cloud, which now coated the stove, Tsunade's face, and a very confused Tonton.
Shizune was completely numb.
She had given up.
She hugged Tonton, who was trembling violently, and huddled in the far corner of the dining room, trembling with him.
She was silently holding a memorial service for this beautiful kitchen, which had been renovated less than half a year ago.
And our "legendary chef," Lady Tsunade, at this moment, finally realized a cruel, harsh, and undeniable reality.
That is—
She might… truly… have no talent whatsoever in the art of cooking.
"Damn it… why... why is it like this…"
Tsunade looked at the kitchen, which appeared as if it had been bombed by an S-rank Ninjutsu. Her face was filled with a rare, crushing defeat.
She was covered in flour, sticky egg liquid, fish guts, and various unknown sauces, looking utterly disheveled.
She didn't understand.
She was one of the Legendary Sannin! A woman standing at the absolute pinnacle of the Shinobi World!
She could restart a human heart! She could shatter a mountain! She could gamble away a nation's GDP!
Why couldn't she even manage something as simple as cooking?!
This was unscientific! It was illogical!
"No!"
Tsunade suddenly looked up, and the flames of competition (and denial) reignited in her eyes.
"I haven't lost yet!"
She had a flash of brilliance. A new, terrible idea.
"Individual dishes... they require too much skill! They require finesse! They aren't suitable for a power-type player like me!"
"But!"
She pointed at the largest, deepest pot in the kitchen—a cauldron fit for a giant.
"If I put everything together and stew a pot... then no skill is needed! It just... cooks!"
"That's right! That's it! A hodgepodge!"
Tsunade, seeming to have found her last lifeline, began to move.
She threw all the recognizable—and unrecognizable—ingredients on the floor and counters...
...be it the "layered" potatoes, the beef membranes she'd failed to trim, the vegetable scraps, the lobster shells (for "flavor"), the rare mushrooms...
...all at once, into that huge iron pot!
Then, she picked up the entire spice rack and various seasonings from the shelf nearby.
Salt.
Sugar.
Soy sauce.
Vinegar.
Cooking wine.
Chili powder.
Curry cubes.
Mustard seeds.
Pickles.
Tsunade didn't measure the quantities. She just poured them into the pot one by one, based on pure, chaotic "feeling."
"Hmph. Needs salt!" she declared, dumping half a bag in.
"And sugar, for balance!" The entire jar.
"Soy sauce, for color!" A full bottle.
"Hmm… to enhance the flavor, to really give it a kick... let's add a bit of this too!"
Tsunade picked up a large, half-empty bottle of her favorite high-proof sake.
She took a long swig for herself, then, with a "GULP," poured the rest of the half-bottle into the stew.
Finally, she slammed the heavy lid on the pot and turned the heat to its absolute maximum!
"Heh heh... Heh heh heh heh… just you wait, Kurenai Yuhi!"
Tsunade stood with her hands on her hips, looking at the huge, vibrating iron pot. A truly villainous, slightly unhinged smile was on her face.
"When my legendary secret concentrated soup is ready... everyone will be amazed!"
"Akira won't know what hit him!"
Shizune, in the corner, looked at the rattling pot.
She looked at the eerie, purple-black steam already hissing from the edges of the lid.
She looked at the terrifying, cackling smile on Tsunade's face.
Her ominous premonition reached its absolute peak.
She had a strong, visceral feeling.
Something… very, very terrible was about to happen.
Under the intense, roaring heat, the iron pot quickly began to make "gurgling" sounds.
An indescribably strange, acrid, and extremely peculiar smell began to waft out in wisps from the gaps in the lid.
It smelled of burnt sugar, spoiled fish, rubbing alcohol, and... something that Shizune, as a medical-nin, could only identify as "acute suffering."
Shizune only took one sniff and felt her stomach churn. She almost threw up on the spot.
She quickly covered her nose.
"What… what is this smell?!"
"It's practically a biochemical weapon! It's a poison gas jutsu!"
Tonton, the pig, was even more direct.
His small nose twitched. His eyes rolled back. He foamed at the mouth, went stiff as a board, and fainted on the spot.
However, as the creator of this "legendary dish," Tsunade seemed completely unaffected.
She took a deep, longing breath, an even, enraptured expression appearing on her face.
"Hmm… this is the smell!"
"The essence of various ingredients, under the action of high temperature, has perfectly blended together! It's... it's emitting such a complex, yet layered, aroma!"
"This," she declared, tears of joy in her eyes, "this is the pinnacle of cooking!"
Shizune: "…"
Layered aroma?
Lady Tsunade, are you sure what you're smelling is the same thing I'm smelling?
Has your sense of smell suffered some... irreversible, catastrophic damage from years of drinking?!
As time passed, the commotion in the pot grew louder.
The "gurgling" sounds turned into "RUMBLING" thuds.
The entire heavy lid was violently jumping, clanging and clattering, as if it would fly off at any moment. The pot itself was vibrating, slowly moving across the stove.
A thick, purple foam started to bubble out from under the lid.
Shizune felt as if she were in some evil, forbidden jutsu ritual.
"It's… it's almost done, isn't it…" Tsunade said, her confidence finally wavering.
She looked at the eerie, apocalyptic scene before her, and her heart also began to pound a little.
This commotion… seemed a bit too loud.
Tsunade hesitated for a moment, then decided to open the lid to see what was inside.
She carefully, and with a slight tremor, reached out and grabbed the hot lid handle with a towel.
"Open!"
She let out a low cry and, using her Sannin strength, fiercely lifted the lid!
The moment the lid was lifted...
There was a second of terrible, pressurized silence.
A giant, black-purple, viscous bubble rose from the pot. It quivered.
"Boom—!!!"
A violent, pressurized explosion of... stew... shot out from the pot like a geyser.
Boom!
On the walls. On the ceiling. On the stove. On the floor.
Everything.
Everything was covered in the thick, lumpy, foul-smelling, black-purple liquid.
Tsunade and Shizune, naturally, were not spared.
Tsunade, who had been standing right over it, took the full force of the blast.
They were drenched from head to toe, instantly turning into two black-purple, dripping "mud people."
Shizune stood still, frozen in the dining room, letting the viscous, warm liquid drip down her cheeks and off her nose.
Her mind was blank.
"Am I… am I still alive?"
Tsunade was also stunned. She was frozen in place, still holding the lid.
She looked at the hellish, dripping scene before her.
She looked at her sticky, foul-smelling "masterpiece" all over her body.
It failed.
Completely. Utterly. Apocalyptically.
She not only failed to create a delicacy that could surpass Kurenai Yuhi...
...but she had instead created an unprecedented… ultimate dark cuisine.
A jutsu, perhaps, with mass destructive power.
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