This is the sixth time. But I still cannot get used to it.
He was supposed to be different from the others. He is not supposed to join the list of men who had hurt me. But he has now. He hurt me even more than them. It was too painful. One of my shoe heel had broken off. This is my favorite shoe. A Jimmy Choo 4inch stiletto. It is the only expensive, designer limited edition heel that I own. Neil had bought it for me soon after I began working at the company. I had scolded him for wasting money on it but my heart warned and fluttered at the gesture.
I had firmly attached the heel to the main part this morning with a glue when I discovered that it was threatening to break off. It breaking off just this morning had been a premonition that our relationship was about to break off too. I had wore it nearly everyday for the past three years. Cherishing it more than life because he bought it for me. Now I feel nothing but hurt and revulsion looking at it. I flung them away as hard as I could. The old couple who were taking a late night walk look at me like I was out of my mind. I heard the granny telling her husband to move to the other side of the driveway so they wouldn't pass by where I was. I gathered myself up to my feet, walking barefoot on the cold wet asphalt. I want to run away from there as far as my legs could carry me away from the hurt. But with that fall, I could only walk slowly. I don't know how long I've been walking. The city is loud around me. Bass from passing cars, someone laughing from an upper window, the hiss of wet tires on slick asphalt, and all of it sounds like it's happening underwater. Like I'm hearing the world from the bottom of a deep, dark abyss. The sky rumbles, making a warning that it was going to rain soon. I cry and laugh as I remember my happiest memories with Neil. How over the moon I had been the night that he proposed to me. How cozy and protected I felt when we cuddled in bed the first time we had sex. And how I felt every other time. I really believed then that the painful, twisted cycle of love and heartbreak had ended. That I could really be happy now. Everyone was happy for me especially my best friend Annie. She had witnessed some of my messy breakup and did her part in pulling me out of it. Every night when I lay in bed, I count down the days to the wedding and imagine what it will be like. And our life after. But now it is all ruined. Yet again. Just what did I do so wrong? All I want is to love and be loved in return. Is that an impossible feat universe? What heinous crime did I commit in my previous life that had condemned me to such fate? I let out a scream. Screaming at the top of my lungs with all the pain I am feeling inside. I don't know if the ones from before revisited or if it is just this one. It is too much to bottle up and hide. My chest is burning and squeezing tight. I would probably die if I don't scream to my heart's content. I went on until my voice refused to come out and my throat began hurting. Then I began bawling. Cars passed. One even splashed dirty road water on me where I was squatting on the sidewalk. I spit out repeatedly as some made it into my mouth. My fingers fumbled with my phone. The cracked screen slippery with tears and water as I try to pull up Annie's contact. The first answer was the sound of moans and groans and her voice sounding heavy. God, she is busy. Why didn't I remember today is Friday. The day she goes on her compulsory clubbing routine. Just as I was about to hang up, her voice sounded on the line asking what's up my ass. "Nothing. I was meaning to call someone else. Have fun." I lied. "Wait. Don't hang up!" She commanded sharply. I hear shuffling and a disgruntled groan. "Your voice sounds hoarse. Are you crying?" I swallow a choking lump in my throat for the third time. I tried to sound normal and keep the crying within me. But of course she would notice. Annie is too smart to fool and she has seen and heard me cry more than she heard me laugh. "What is going on? Talk to me Gwen."
"It's Neil." A sob wacked me that I resumed crying violently.
"What did that bastard do?" She seethes. I can imagine her eyes going wide with anger now.
"He..." I trail off, unable to bring myself to say the words. "Where are you? Send me the location." I hear shuffling, the sound of something falling and a key jiggle. She wants to come over to me.
"You don't have to both—"
"Send me your damn location Gwen!" She shouted. I complied and sent her my location pin.
"I'II right there. Don't move an inch and don't do anything stupid until I get there."
I stayed there as she ordered, not moving an inch even when rain started pouring down as. She had put aside her own pleasure for me. The last thing I want to do is make things difficult by moving away from where I was. While waiting, I reminisce my past heartbreaks. Cody, Tobias, Eric, Malcom and Mitchell. My relationship with each one ended in the same manner. Cody said I was just a little better than a corpse in bed. He likes a woman who is wild and adventurous and I just wasn't it. Almost the same thing with Tobias. I didn't stay behind long enough to hear Eric's explanation when I caught him in bed with another woman. Malcom left the country without so much as a word to me. I later found out that he is a married man who was just looking for spice and not the happy ending romance like me. Mitchell outrightly broke up with me all because I always refused to go down on him. And blowjobs were where his pleasure lies. I cried and begged for months for him to take me back. He did. And then we broke up shortly after because I still couldn't bring myself to put his dick in my mouth and suck it. And now the same thing with Neil. Mackie sucks his dick since I refuse to. None of them could understand me on that. Even Annie.