Cold. It was a cold night.
Cold enough that the air outside the car seemed visible. Small clouds formed whenever I breathed against the window.
I sat in the passenger seat. My father drove. Neither of us spoke.
The road outside was completely empty. Streetlights passed one after another, briefly illuminating the interior of the car before disappearing behind us.
Yellow.
Dark.
Yellow.
Dark.
The warmth of the lights entered through the windows.
It was strange.
Outside was freezing. Inside was warm. The light was warm. It was warm.
I stared through the glass. I didn't know where we were going. I didn't know why my father hadn't told me anything about our destination since we took the road.
As I stared at my father, I had a feeling he was doing this because he loved me. My father always told me about it.
"I love you."
Every day since I was born into this world.
But today... It was strange. My father hadn't told me that today. It was almost midnight.
Maybe he forgot.
Then the thought came. I said it to myself.
"Oh God."
My hand moved toward the handle of the car door.
"I don't want this."
I pulled the handle. Nothing happened.
I tried again. Nothing.
I couldn't open the car door.
My breathing became faster.
I tried again.
And then I heard a clicking sound from the car door.
I looked at my father. I stopped. I waited. And waited. And waited.
My father still didn't say anything to me.
I said it to myself.
"Oh God."
And then I opened the car door.
Cold air rushed into the car.
My father still didn't say anything to me.
I let myself fall. The road rushed beneath me. Then—The ground. My body was thrown onto the street.
I couldn't move at all.
I stared upward. The sky was almost completely black. A streetlight stood above me. Warm. It was warm.
I stayed like this. And I stayed like this.
Hurt. My body was hurt.
I tried. I tried hard for myself and turned my head toward the car. Hurt. It hurt.
Then the thought came. I said it to myself.
"I can do it."
Hurt. It hurt. But I did it. I did it.
As I looked at the headlights, I saw that they were completely different. They were bright white. Almost painful to look at.
The car kept moving. It slowly disappeared down the road. The passenger door remained open. I watched it become smaller. And smaller.
Until the darkness swallowed it. The road became silent again.
I moved my head to the warm light i see before. Hurt. It hurt. But i did it. I did it.
I tried to reach into my pocket. Hurt. It hurt. But i did it. I did it.
My fingers closed around the only object I carried.
I tried to see the object in my own eye. Hurt. It hurt. But i did it. I did it.
I stared at it. A photo. For a long time. Tears. Tears streamed down my face.
I said it to myself.
"I'm still sorry for everything, and yet here i am."
As i thought to myself. My mind is burning. Just the way her face changed when she was genuinely happy. I remembered her voice. The little changes in it. The moments when she sounded tired. The moments when she laughed. The moments when she said things that seemed insignificant at the time but remained inside my head long afterward.
I said it to myself.
"And now it's my father."
The road remained silent.
And then, I heard something behind my head.
A slow, hollow tapping echoed through the air.
Tap.
Tap.
It sounded like a walking staff.
I lowered the photo in my hand to the ground. It's hurt. It's still hurt.
The thing moved closer. I caught a glimpse of what it was wearing. At the top was a curved metal hook. It looked almost like a bird's beak. Somehow, it reminded me of a plague doctor. The mask was pale and elongated. The hat was wide.
The figure stopped and stood completely still. I stared at it.
The plague doctor tilted his head and said
"Oh, poor you."
I said nothing.
I looked at the small object that remained in my hand. My fingers tightened around it. Then loosened.
I closed my eyes.
I said it to myself.
"I don't want this."
My voice broke. The plague doctor did not move. My shoulders began to shake.
I cried. I cried louder.
Hurt. My voice hurts.
Then the thought came. I screamed.
"Why did i choose to live?"
The plague doctor said
"I wonder."
Cold. It was a cold night.
Cold enough that my body began to shiver. I could feel my breath in the cold air.
Warm. The light was warm. My body still hurts. But at least it was warm.
I stared at the lightbulb above me. I can see something wrong with it. It flickered.
Once.
Twice.
Then it began to sway. There was no wind. I watched it move from side to side. Slowly. Then slowly.
Almost as if someone were holding it. The light kept flickering. And then the warm light was gone. Dark. It was dark.
I couldn't see anything. I noticed something in the dark. The bulb was moving. It was getting closer. Maybe it was going to fall onto me.
I tried to move. I couldn't.
I tried again. Nothing. I could only watch.
The darkness seemed to grow around me.
I closed my eyes.
And then it cracks on my head.
My eyes. I can't open my eyes. There was nothing.
No light. No road. No the plague doctor. No one.
Cold. And now it's all cold.
Somehow, I felt this was a blessing. Thinking about what was happening right now. I felt brave. Very brave.
Braver than yesterday. No. Braver than I had ever been in my whole life.
Smile. I begin to smiling.
I heard a voice beside me.
"Oh, poor you."
The plague doctor was still there.
Then the thought came. I reached blindly through the darkness. My fingers found pieces of broken glass scattered around my head and face.
I picked one.
Two.
Three.
Four.
I kept reaching for more. I knew what I was doing. Hurt. My hands hurt. Everything was painful.
And somehow. this pain felt easier for me to tolerate than anything else.
I brought the pieces toward my mouth. I started to chew on the broken glass. Perhaps. Somehow. This would make everything stop.
Maybe this was how it ended.
Or maybe
I was still waiting for something to stop me.
No. I wanted everything to end.
Perhaps. This could finally make everything quiet. I accept everything. Brave. I am very brave.
I heard a voice beside me.
"Oh, poor you."
As i said to the plague doctor.
"I'm sorry gxxxx, father."
Then I imagined something.
A field. A huge field.
Sunflowers stretched toward the horizon. The sky above them was cloudy. Grey clouds covered everything. Yet the flowers remained bright.
I imagined myself standing there. She was beside me. We were simply there. Together.
The plague doctor and my father watch over me from very far away.
I closed my eyes. Nothing. It's nothing.
I opened them again. The field remained.
It became clearer.
The sunflower petals moved gently beneath the wind. The clouds drifted slowly overhead.
She looked at me. I looked back at her. She didn't smile. I couldn't make out the words.
And somehow, that was enough. I began to cry.
I tried to hug her.
I couldn't. I tried again. I still couldn't.
I looked down at the ground. Everything slowly began to turn white. Faster. And faster.
I looked at her and said.
"I love you."
She responded back to me and said.
"I love you too."