Chapter 20 Part 1
A brushstroke. Another. Another. Dip, drain the excess. A brushstroke, and again, and again... Wait half an hour, rinse.
"Not so bad," I commented, though that nagging dissatisfaction hadn't gone anywhere. With the fastidiousness of an elderly notary, I turned the little mirror in my hands, examining my head from every angle. What a drag: despite all my attempts to match the right color, the dyed hair's still a few shades darker than my original. Not super noticeable — but not perfect. That's what bugs me. I really do love my hair! It's my one little point of pride — that's why I grew out this whole mane and took such good care of it.
The reason I needed this questionable procedure at all was dead simple — the recent incident with the Fox. I still hadn't figured out exactly what happened at that moment, but it clearly hadn't been easy on me. Whatever went down — it hit my body hard: even five days later, I still feel that treacherous weakness in my limbs, and my spiritual powers? Not even worth mentioning. The simplest incantations still take everything I've got. Spiritually, I've gone practically deaf, blind, and crippled. The only reason I'm not screaming in panic is that my strength's slowly coming back — and that gives me hope. You could say whatever happened squeezed me dry. Spiritually. Physically. My cheeks're a little sunken, my skin's gone dull... and patches of gray have shown up in my hair. A patch over my left temple, a streak above the bridge of my nose, a tuft on the crown, a couple hairs here and there... The gray sprouted randomly. All over the place.
Damn it — the one thing I definitely did NOT plan was going gray before my time! If anyone can pull off dignified silver, it's sure as hell not me — and definitely not like this. So I had to grab the brush and dye. Plus — I really don't feel like explaining to certain people why fifteen percent of my hair suddenly went white.
Only one thing made me feel better — Naruko's okay. More than okay — she's as energetic as ever, bouncing around, causing trouble as usual. The incident with the Tailed Beast didn't seem to bother her at all.
Unlike me.
These last few days — I've thought a lot. About everything I did. And, most importantly — everything I DIDN'T do. The Fox incident was a Mistake. A mistake that nearly destroyed Naruko. Me. Everyone around us. My overconfidence — blind faith in Canon — played a cruel joke and almost became a catastrophe. This world's a little different from the one I know. I knew that. But I still didn't account for all the factors. Unforgivable carelessness. I drifted through life way too relaxed — just accepting "future" events like they were guaranteed. But this — this forced me to ask: what, in the name of the gods, am I even DOING?! I examined every move I'd made through the harshest lens: the journey to Konoha, the team, the Land of Waves, the Waterfall mission... I hunted for flaws in everything I'd done. And found them. It almost drove me insane. It took everything I had not to tear myself apart — not to spiral into depression from all the endless "I should've done it differently."
Maybe I took it too hard? But...
But.
It was my fault. My mistake. No concessions. No excuses. My heart couldn't just let it go — I'd walked too close to the Edge. It weighs on me. Presses down like a slab of stone. And the worst part? Knowing the future only makes that weight heavier.
The Chunin Exam. I knew it was coming — inevitable — but only now did I really start to grasp what that meant. Key elements surfaced from my memory like painful jabs: Gaara. Orochimaru. The attack on Sasuke (Sasuko). Sand and Sound assaulting Konoha. The Hokage's murder. Danzo's possible schemes. The Akatsuki. Suddenly everything felt so clear. So unavoidable.
I know the future of this world. Or — at least — a rough outline. I don't remember everything, and even more has faded over time. Details blurred. But the knowledge is still knowledge. And now I just don't know what to do.
Leave things as they are? Hundreds will die in the attack. Probably more. Way more. And those deaths will be on my conscience. Maybe not entirely — but partly. Definitely.
Tell everything? Then comes the obvious question — how do I know all this? More interrogations. Distrust. And a very real chance of vanishing into a cell forever — or spending the rest of my life as a drugged-up, drooling vegetable.
Self-preservation against conscience. It's tearing me apart. I'm grateful to Sarutobi. I don't want pointless deaths. But I'm terrified of what'll happen if my knowledge gets out.
All of this — it makes my head ache. I keep searching for a way out. A compromise. Can't find one.
"I need to stop thinking about this. NOW!" I ordered myself — trying to shove the dark thoughts deeper down. Can't show up in front of Naruko with a face like this. She's probably awake by now — and I've recovered enough to get to work.
Today she woke up earlier than usual. A long, stretching moo — Naruko extended until her bones cracked, the blanket ending up in a ball at her feet.
Enjoying the morning laziness, the girl rolled around a little — settling in — and only then finally opened her eyes.
She looked at the curtained window and sighed quietly. These last few days have been weird. Hard.
If she was honest with herself — Naruko felt awful about the whole thing. I mean — she'd screwed up so badly! The suckiest screw-up in the entire history of screw-ups!
"Uumm!" Groaning with frustration, Naruko shoved her face into the pillow. She was so ashamed she couldn't handle the Fox. It's humiliating. I was so sure of myself — and I almost died for it. But the Demon was just so strong. So... overwhelming. Like trying to fight a cliff.
And once again — Kaoru'd saved her. Same as always: her smiling friend, coming to help every time she did something stupid. Naruko felt the guilt keenly — because this time, the help had cost him. Badly. Naruko wasn't stupid — she could tell his smile wasn't the same. Thinking about it, Uzumaki realized her friend was struggling — but hiding it. Like he was exhausted but couldn't rest. Obviously — he'd pushed himself too far saving her.
It really worries me. But I don't know how to help him. It's my fault — because I couldn't fight off that monster inside me, Kaoru had to drive it back himself.
"But still — he did it." The blonde whispered it, pulling up her pajama top. There it was — the pattern she'd known her whole life. The Dead Demon Consuming Seal. She touched it — tracing the lines with her fingers, thoughtful. Maybe this is selfish — but I feel happy. THAT THING hasn't shown itself once since then. Now I get it: ever since Kaoru did... whatever he did... there's been this weird lightness in my stomach. Like unbuckling a too-tight belt. I can breathe easier. The shadow — that SOMETHING I've felt forever — it's just... gone. Almost like THAT THING vanished completely. But I know it hasn't. The Fox is still inside. I can feel it. Somehow.
Kaoru...
Naruko's thoughts drifted to her teammate. Her teacher. Her friend.
He'd always been different. Unlike everyone in Konoha — Kaoru had never once shown he disliked her. The opposite: polite, friendly, cheerful, kind. At first Naruko was almost shocked a person like that could even exist. He was probably one of the only ones — besides Granny Third and Iruka — who'd ever been that kind to her.
He's so kind.
Naruko held her breath for a second. How long's it been? Since I met someone I didn't have to prove myself to. It's so strange — Kaoru never seemed to want anything from me. Even Iruka and Granny expect things. Good grades, certain behavior... But Kaoru? He never expected anything. No — that's not quite right. He was ready to accept whatever I did. To accept Me.
Though — contradicting that "no expectations" — Kaoru could be strict. He scolded her when her antics crossed a line. Not mean — gentle, teaching — always making her feel guilty. Like a couple days ago: half the bathhouse was chasing Naruko because she'd snuck into the changing room and dusted everyone's clean clothes with itching powder. A really mean prank. Kaoru — caught up in the chaos — was genuinely angry with her. She'd been furious at the villagers back then — refused to admit she'd done anything wrong. But instead of getting mad, Kaoru tried to figure out what was really going on. He got her to admit someone had insulted her that morning — and in retaliation, she'd decided to punish the offender... plus everyone else who happened to be nearby. Collateral damage. Kaoru looked so disappointed — and that made her feel shame and anger. Shame at herself. Anger at everyone else. But then he calmed her down — found the right words — convinced her she shouldn't have played such a cruel joke. One person was at fault. But impulsive Uzumaki hadn't bothered to aim — and turned everyone against her.
"I'm such an idiot... But I still hate them!" She thought it, ashamed. She knew she'd done wrong — but her dislike for the villagers hadn't gone anywhere. The constant flare-ups were both sides' fault.
But I don't want to cause Kaoru more trouble! I'm so grateful. For everything he's done. His words. Just... having him in my life.
His smile's so warm.
Naruko sighed. Her friend's face appeared in her mind — so vivid it felt real. She squirmed as a strange thrill rippled through her. He was a little older — half a head taller — warm brown eyes, kind smile. It felt like he'd reach out any second — gentle touch — stroke her hair, mess it up — tilt his head — say something in that nice voice of his.
Hey, Naru-chan!
Naruko sighed again, fidgeting. That strange thrill kept building. She rolled in bed, feeling... weird.
"Umh..." A vague exhale. I feel so strange. An itch tormented her — she couldn't think about anything else.
Kaoru's kind smile. Makes my heart feel good.