In a secluded alley in Axel, the sunlight was cut into light and shadow by the tall walls.
Hardly anyone came through here. Aside from the occasional adventurer taking a shortcut, it was the perfect hunting ground.
Kōichi and Kazuma hid behind a wooden barrel at the mouth of the alley, showing only their eyes as they nervously watched Aqua in the distance.
"Listen carefully, Aqua." Before they began, Kōichi gave her one last round of instructions. "You need to act weak, lost, and like you desperately need help. Your eyes should look a little moist, and your pose should be a bit... you know, seductive. Like lightly biting your lip, or tugging your neckline down a little, not that you even have a neckline. Basically, you need to make people look at you and instantly want to take you home."
"Got it!" Aqua gave a confident thumbs-up. "Leave it to me! This Goddess has seen countless humans while they were praying. I know exactly how to make people's hearts race!"
Reality, however, was cruel.
When the first man, a lone-looking adventurer, walked into the alley, Aqua did not strike the pitiful pose Kōichi had imagined.
Instead, she sprang out of the shadows, planted her hands on her hips, struck an absurdly exaggerated bodybuilder pose, and shouted at the top of her lungs.
"Hey! You there, rich-looking human! Look at me! Aren't I gorgeous? Don't you want to hand over all your money to me? Hurry up and cough it up! Or I'll use divine punishment to turn you into a frog!"
The adventurer jumped in fright, and the grilled skewer in his hand dropped to the ground.
He stared at the blue-haired woman in front of him, beautiful, yes, but also very obviously out of her mind, and the amazement in his eyes instantly turned into contempt, the kind reserved for lunatics.
"Hah? Are you insane?" The adventurer picked up the skewer and dusted it off. "Pretty face, what a waste. You're an idiot. Get lost. Don't block my way."
"Who are you calling an idiot?!" Aqua exploded on the spot. She grabbed the adventurer by the collar, though she had to rise onto her toes because she was too short, and all the Goddess-like radiance vanished from her face, replaced by the ferocity of a street-side fishwife. "I'm Aqua-sama! The Goddess of Water! And you dare talk to me like that? Believe it or not, I'll drown you in Holy Water!"
"Let go! You crazy woman!" The adventurer got angry too and tried to shake her off. "Let go right now or I won't hold back! I'm an elite adventurer who just finished subjugating half-orcs!"
"Elite adventurer? More like elite baldy! Just look at that hairline. It's practically retreating to the back of your head! You must've done too many bad things and gotten hit with karma!" Aqua unleashed her verbal assault at full power, landing a direct hit on his sore spot.
"What did you say?! I'll kill you!!"
As the situation rapidly shifted from honey trap to street brawl, Kōichi and Kazuma, still hiding behind the barrel, covered their faces in despair.
"It's over..." Kazuma groaned painfully. "I knew this would happen. She has no idea what seduction means. All she knows how to do is provoke people."
"Quit talking and get in there!" Kōichi yanked Kazuma up and rushed out.
"Stop! Stop!" Kōichi shouted as he charged between them, dragging the still-flailing Aqua behind him. Then he immediately switched to an ingratiating smile and said to the furious adventurer, "Sorry! We're so sorry! Sir, this is my little sister. She's a bit... you know. She ran out before taking her medicine and caused you trouble. We're really sorry!"
Kazuma hurriedly bowed too. "Yes, yes! She's famous as Axel's number one lunatic. Please be magnanimous and don't stoop to the level of an idiot. We'll take her away right now. Right now!"
The adventurer looked at Kōichi and Kazuma's groveling attitude, then at Aqua behind them, who was still pulling faces, and spat in disgust.
"What rotten luck. Running into a pack of nutjobs the moment I step outside. Keep your crazy sister under control and don't let her come out and scare people again!"
With that, he left while cursing under his breath, leaving the three of them standing there in complete disarray.
"Hey! Why were you stopping me?!" Aqua still waved her fists indignantly. "That baldy actually dared to call me an idiot! I was going to teach him a lesson! I was going to turn the water in his flask into boiling water and scald him to death!"
"Enough!" Kōichi and Kazuma shouted in unison.
Kōichi pressed a hand to his temple, feeling his blood pressure soar. "Aqua, are you a pig? We told you to seduce him, not pick a fight with him! Did you look even slightly like a Goddess just now? You looked like some auntie screaming abuse in a marketplace!"
"But... but he called me an idiot..." Aqua pouted miserably, tears welling in her eyes. "And that seduction stuff is hard! I've never learned how to do it! You guys didn't teach me either!"
Looking at her stupidly cute and pitiful expression, Kōichi let out a sigh. He knew there was no reasoning with this idiot.
Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a glance and read the same desperate resolve in each other's eyes, the kind that came from giving up and smashing the pot anyway.
"Fine. If words won't work, then we'll have to demonstrate it." Kōichi gritted his teeth and steeled himself. "Kazuma, this is disgusting, but for the sake of our dinner, and for the sake of teaching this idiot what feminine charm actually is, we're going to have to make a sacrifice."
"I understand." Kazuma nodded with a grim, heroic look, like a martyr about to march to the execution grounds.
And so, under Aqua's dumbfounded stare, the two grown men put on a seduction lesson in the dark little alley, one so horrifying it could shake heaven and make ghosts weep.
Kōichi leaned against the wall with one foot slightly raised, his eyes hazy as his fingers twirled around imaginary strands of hair. In a pinched, affected voice, he said, "Oh my, handsome big brother, I'm lost~ Could you take me somewhere quiet~ I'll reward you properly, you know~"
Kazuma stood nearby, playing along as the passerby being seduced, rubbing his hands together with a lecherous grin. "Oho! What a cute little kitten! Since you put it that way, come along with big brother! Hehehe!"
Then Kōichi's expression changed abruptly. He put on the look of a startled little rabbit and gave Kazuma a half-hearted shove, resisting while seeming to welcome it at the same time. "Oh, stop it~ You're so bad~ But I like it so much~"
The scene was so painfully cringeworthy that even a stray cat passing by gagged.
But Aqua watched it with complete fascination. She even pulled out a little notebook and started taking notes, her eyes shining with sudden enlightenment.
"I get it! I get it!" Aqua clapped excitedly. "The key is acting coy and fake, right? And saying things like 'oh my' and 'you're so bad'! I get it now! I really get it this time! I'm a genius!"
Kōichi and Kazuma stopped, forced down the nausea churning in their stomachs, and wiped the cold sweat from their foreheads.
"Not sure what exactly you understood, but that's more or less the idea," Kōichi said weakly. "Remember, you need to seem delicate. You want to make people feel protective, not make them want to send you to a mental hospital."
"Don't worry! This time there definitely won't be a problem!" Aqua patted her chest confidently, though there was not much there to pat. "Just watch me!"
Just then, a heavy, orderly set of footsteps came from the mouth of the alley.
A patrol officer in uniform, with a longsword at his waist and righteousness written all over his face, was walking past in measured strides.
His gaze was sharp, clearly sweeping the street for trouble.
He was absolutely not a good target.
Anyone with even a little common sense would have avoided him.
But Aqua was obviously not someone burdened with common sense.
The moment she saw the patrol officer, her eyes lit up.
In her simple little mind, someone dressed that neatly had to be rich. And he looked so imposing that if she managed to seduce him, they would definitely make a fortune.
"That's the one!" Aqua whispered excitedly. Before Kōichi and Kazuma could react, she had already shot out like an arrow.
"Hey! That's a patrol officer! A cop!" Kazuma hissed in horror, but it was already too late.
Aqua dashed right up to the patrol officer, slammed to a stop, and struck the same coy pose Kōichi and Kazuma had just demonstrated. Her body twisted into a bizarre S-shape, one hand braced against the wall, nearly slipping, while the other covered her mouth in an affected gesture, and then she let out a horrifyingly cutesy voice.
"Oh my, handsome big brother~ I'm lost~ Could you take me somewhere quiet? I'll reward you properly~ Oh, stop it, you're so bad~"
The patrol officer stopped walking. His brows knit together, and one hand had already gone to the hilt of his sword.
He looked coldly at the blue-haired woman in front of him, with her strange behavior, shifty eyes, and thoroughly suspicious aura.
"Miss, what exactly are you doing? If you're not feeling well, I can take you to the hospital. But if you're involved in some kind of illegal sexual transaction or fraud..." His gaze sharpened. "Then I'll have to invite you to the guard station for a little chat."
"Oh, tea is fine too~ As long as handsome big brother is paying~" Aqua had no idea she was in danger and kept up the act. She even pushed it further and threw him a flirtatious wink, though it looked more like her eyelid was twitching. "I'm actually very expensive, you know~ But since you're so handsome, I can give you a discount. How about five thousand Eris?"
"Open solicitation?! And trying to bribe a law enforcement officer?!" The patrol officer's face darkened instantly as he pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "You're coming with me!"
Hidden in the shadows, Kōichi and Kazuma nearly had heart attacks.
"Run!"
There was no hesitation, no discussion, not even eye contact.
At exactly the same moment, Kōichi and Kazuma made the most correct decision possible.
The two of them spun around and bolted like startled rabbits, moving so fast they practically broke the limits of human speed.
"Hey! Kōichi! Kazuma! Where are you going?!" Hearing the commotion, Aqua turned around and saw that her two teammates were already nothing but retreating silhouettes. Panic immediately overtook her. "Wait for me! Don't leave me here alone! This big brother looks really angry! Help!"
"We don't know her! We don't know that crazy woman!" Kazuma shouted as he sprinted for his life, his voice full of desperate survival instinct.
"We were just passing by! We were just passing by!" Kōichi yelled too, somehow running even faster.
"Stop right there! Are you her accomplices?!" The patrol officer seemed to realize something and tried to go after them, but Aqua clung desperately to his leg.
"Waaah! You two heartless jerks! We were supposed to make money together and eat steak! How could you abandon the Goddess like this?! I'm going to curse you! I'm going to curse you to stay single for the rest of your lives!"
Aqua's cries echoed through the entire street.
As for Kōichi and Kazuma, they had already vanished into the maze of alleys, leaving behind nothing but a trail of dust and the shattered pieces of their consciences.